A Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (2024)

Chapter 1: The Devil Walks Into A Bar...

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Chapter 2: The Morning After

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Chapter 3: Is it really a funeral if you aren't dead?

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Chapter 4: Some much needed conversations

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Chapter 5: Ozzie and Froggie plan a date with Lucy

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'I'm doing much better now that I'm talking to you again'

'Btw, are you free this weekend?'

'I am free this weekend, yes. And still want to go on that second date.'

'I'm still very new to town so I don't know any good places. However, I would love to take you to a place of your choosing.'

'Yes.'

Chapter 6: Second Date: Part One

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'Dad! Dad! You won't believe what happened today, it's sooooo amazing!'

'Come on, guess!'

'Hdasghlkfhaskugk'

'Thank you for the heart attack, it was much appreciated'

'Dad, no! I was kidding. I appreciate what you said though.'

'I love you, dad.'

'Anyway, what I wanted to say that has me so excited is we have our first redemption-seeker! He came in today after seeing some of the flyers around Pentagram and decided to come join us!'

'His name is Angel Dust and he will be on the path to salvation in no time at all!'

'Dont worry about it! He's on the path to redemption and that's all that matters!'

Chapter 7: Second Date: Part Two

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Chapter 8: Second Date: Part Three

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Chapter 9: Interlude: Blitzy and Loony

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Chapter 10: Second Date: Finale

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Chapter 11: Back on the Isles

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In the woods surrounding Gravesfield, there was an old cabin.

Once, this cabin was run down and dilapidated, crumbling apart and falling to pieces as the owners had long since abandoned Gravesfield many, many long years ago. The cabin was the source of many urban legends throughout town: The Goatman lived there, a witch and her hellhound puppy lived there, a great and terrible owl-like beast nested there, a portal to Hell was there… the teens of Gravesfield High would regularly dare one another to try and spend the night in that old and ruined cabin in the woods.

Now, however, the cabin had been bought by the Noceda’s. The cabin had been refurbished by the combined efforts of Camila, Luz, and her friends: the rotting wood had been replaced, the shattered floors had been redone, the collapsing roof had been retiled. Now, the cabin looked like it was just another house like any other.

Why, exactly, the Noceda family had bought up the very rundown shack was a secret between them and the parallel dimension nestled past the front door.

The legends about the shack, you see, were completely true: It was a portal to a place known only as the Boiling Isles. A vast and endless ocean of boiling hot water spread out for miles in every direction as colossal entities lay decomposing atop the water like continents of bone. and from these titanic corpses sprang life. One such titan, the most complete skeleton of their kind, was the center of the kingdom that gave the Boiling Isles their name.

Magical plants and animals, magical weather, magical… everything. The Boiling Isles was a land where magic was as common as could be. Said magic was widely and commonly used by the twin races known as Witches and Demons, who had evolved from the blood and flesh of the fallen Titan. So many weird and wonderful forms of life grew out of the fallen Titan, aptly named ‘The Titan’, that it was believed amongst the citizens of the Isles that every myth and legend the Human Realm had was a result of something from the Isles coming over and getting extremely lost.

Red grass spread like water across the landscape while dark trees rose up like towers, beasts buzzed, slithered, walked, crawled, and flew through the air. All under the watchful gaze of the truly gargantuan skull that even now gave comfort and solace to many… despite being the sight of a near genocide.

Cities and towns dotted the grassy, earthen landscape of the fallen Titan, towns that even now had the scars of Belos’ regime and his final, crazed act of defiance against the inevitable end approaching him. The largest sign of his old rule was the colossal arm that even now reached towards the stars far above.

But it was felt by all: People with old coven sigils branded into their wrists, the statue garden outside the hospitals that tried desperately to reverse the petrification process, and the massive former citadel of the Collector laying on the Titan’s skull like a crown.

But his rule was done, the emperor was dead, and the Isles were finally free.

Wild Magic, once the bane of the common folks existence and the boogeyman of their wild imaginations now ran wild throughout the Isles just as it had for millennia before Belos. Students of the magical schools mixed magic just as they pleased while the people rediscovered what had been taken from them by the coven sigils: Abomination witches experimented with construction magic while Oracles mixed magic with Illusionists.

It was a time of freedom, rediscovered after its long absence.

Deep in the chest cavity of the Titan was a colossal tree. The tree was the last gift of The Titan before his spirit moved on: growing out of, and firmly destroying, the old castle of Emperor Belos the once tyrannical dictator of the Isles. Its roots spread deep within the earthen remains of the Titan while its colorful leaves spread out like a fan over a collection of Halls and Dormitories.

What was once the dark heart of a tyrant’s empire was now the premiere capital of wild magic itself.

The Boiling Isles University of Wild Magic was a very new entity: having only been completed two years ago once the last of the rebuilding was done. Stairways and rope bridges connected the halls and buildings of the university as the entire campus wrapped around the trunk and branches of the massive tree as wild and free as the people of the Isles now were.

Amity Blight, part time employee of the Boiling Isles Natural History Museum and reluctant part time CEO of the Blight Industries Corporate Empire following Odalia’s (she refused to call the woman mom) arrest couldn't be happier with the way life was currently going.

The lavender haired witch steered her abomination zeppelin towards the college and marveled at just how big a change it was from the old Castle: The castle had been all gold lining and white marble with smoke billowing from pipes and furnaces as it cast an oppressive glow down upon the masses from the safety of the bramble moat, and the collage was warm wood and open spaces that tied into the nature around it rather than attempt to destroy and replace it like Belos had done.

The abomination blimp was a marvel of magical engineering if she did say so herself, and handy for getting up to the higher reaches of The Arm without having to climb nowadays: Abomination goo formed a lightweight magical balloon that carried a brass carriage she had outfitted to resemble a great cat. She even gave it paws for landing gear and an adorable Cat-bomination head for both a prow and a handy set of headlights.

Amity designed it as her personal vehicle nowadays as she traveled from fallen Titan to fallen Titan while avoiding attacks from the Titan Trapper Army or Graverobbers plundering lost civilizations older than the Dreadwardian Era, however since taking over after Odalia she’d been pressured to present new products and items now that she had personally shut down all the shady dealings and weapons manufacturing under the old CEO.

So maybe she would allow the board to manufacture the Cat-bomination blimp into a new line of personal transportation for the masses. Alongside Abomination-Umbrella’s (the current hot new item that was selling like crazy due to the Boiling Rain)

As she maneuvered the blimp into a landing, the young woman hopped over the side and landed in what her wonderful Batata had once called a ‘Superhero Landing’ pose. Personally, Amity found it rather silly but Luz had gone all starry eyed at the sight so she made sure to do it as much as possible.

She landed on the wooden landing platform, startling a group of lower Knee Owls into flight as she stood up in her work uniform. Abomination goo, when hardened, could make for wonderful fabric and she had made a simple pair of loose pants over knee high boots that led into a rather snazzy looking black coat that was only slightly stained from using her abominations in constant fights.

Still, landing was hard on the knees and the spine so she cracked her back sufficiently and sighed deeply, taking in the sights and sounds of University: the sound of countless Palismen chittering with one another, lectures and lessons before eager students, wind rustling through the leaves and sending countless windchimes to ringing out in a chorus of beautiful music that made Amity smile just hearing it.

The university was more a home to her now than her actual home had ever been.

She winced. Okay, that wasn't fair: her dad was trying. It didn't make up for the years of following Odalia in lock-step but after everything he actually was trying to be better. She had gotten to a place where she was happy to see him, and happy to have him in her life.

Even if there were times that she wished Alador had been this way growing up.

Which reminded her… She got out her scroll and began typing.

‘I’m back on the Isles, dad.’

She planned to put her scroll away for later but was surprised by how fast he responded, a text bubble already appearing.

‘That’s great. I'm actually holding a little dinner tonight with your siblings, would you care to join?’

‘I’d love to, I'll see if Luz can join in.’

She smiled, walking underneath rope bridges filled with students and animals as the University went about its daily life. Talking with her dad… It was nice after so long apart. She let her feet take her wherever as she waited for her dad to respond.

‘Speaking of Luz, have you asked her yet?’

‘I literally only just learned about the dinner, how could I have asked her?’

‘Not that, about You Know What.’

She felt her brow furrow in confusion at the response. ‘You Know What?’, no she didnt. She was planning on talking to Luz later when they meet up again after classes but other than asking her to a family dinner the only other thing she was planning on asking her was-

Oh.

Oh sh*t!

Amity felt her face go nuclear as she almost dropped her scroll, pure embarrassment running through her. Her dad knew? How in the Titan’s name did her dad know?

‘How do you know that?????’

‘Amity, if you ply Eda with enough Appleblood she’ll basically become the chattiest witch in the Isles. Literally all I did was give her a glass during a meeting and she basically shouted it from the rooftops.’

She sighed deeply, her shoulders sagging. She… probably should have seen this coming if she were honest. Eda Clawthorne was many things: Most powerful witch on the Isles, one of the saviors of Witch and Demonkind, mentor to her wonderful Batata, and the adopted mother to a god.

She was not, however, reliable when it came to giant secrets like this. Especially ones concerning Luz.

‘How many people know?’

She practically ripped the scroll in half when she read the response.

‘I think the only person who doesn't know what you're planning is Luz herself, if i'm honest.’

Okay, that was going to be a problem. If Luz learned before she could go through with it… well, it wouldn't be the end of the world (she’d been there, done that, and had the trauma to prove it) but it would basically ruin every last plan she was cooking up in her mind.

Titan, but finding out what to do was hard.

Underneath the Grom Tree? Currently shifting out of winter mode so the leaves aren't quite there yet. Owl House? Possible, but it would be too risky to prepare anything without Luz finding out before it was done. Hexside? Perhaps, but it would have to be at a time when no students were there and could ruin anything.

And when to do it was just as hard a question. After the college term was done? That would make sense but it wasn’t going to happen for a while yet. Luz’s Twenty First Birthday? That was even longer away and wouldn't happen till October. Grom Night? Now that Grometheus was stuck in a tree there aren't anymore Grom Nights.

And now she reached the eternal impasse: what to even do? Odalia had planned out to the letter what would happen if this day ever came to pass but Amity had personally thrown all those binders into a bonfire since the idea of having a relationship like her dad and Odalia made her want to vomit.

‘I’m… planning on it. I don't know what to do.’

‘I’d help but my own relationship was, well, with Odalia.’

And the thought of trying to follow in her parent’s footsteps sent a shiver of disgust down her spine. She loved her dad, she really did, but Odalia could go choke.

Asking dad wouldn't help, but the thought that his first instinct eqs to try and help her did make her happy. Alador may not be perfect, but he wastrying and what more could you ask for in an imperfect father

‘I’ll figure something out, but thanks anyway dad.’

She paused, smiling as she typed out one last thing.

‘Love you, dad.’

There was silence on the other end of the line before a simple response came back.

‘Love you too, Mittens.’

She smiled, her dad was trying, and that would be enough.

She put the scroll back into her pocket and ran a hand through her thick pink locks. Life wwas good, and it looked to be even better when she finally womaned up and asked Luz to dress up and travel with her as more than just girlfriends.

Of course, that required finding her first. Not that she planned to do it today on a random Monday but her Batata Levels were depleted and she needed a concentration of vitamin Luz.

The University was truly beautiful from within the halls itself. He feet took her over rope bridges and open forums as she listened to countless classes. Eda had chosen her staff well: everyone who was employed here had a true and deep passion for their craft and wanted to share it with as many witches as possible.

She had thought about going here after Hexside but ultimately decided against it in the end. With her future now ultimately up to her to decide she had chosen instead the path of an adventurer.

Lilith, ever dependable Lilith who was becoming more like the mom she always wanted by the day, had happily and eagerly given her a high paying job going out into the wider world and discovering amazing artifacts and secrets. Amity had been a bit hesitant to accept, being away from everyone for so long would be painful, but luckily Luz and her friends would often take 'academic trips' where they would join her on her adventures.

Amity had a taste for adventure now, and she wouldn't give it up for anything. Life, she decided, was certainly great.

“Amity! You’re back!”

And it just got better. The lavender haired witch smiled brightly and ran up to hug the green haired and quite buff witch in forest green gym shorts and a blazing orange and yellow jacket over a white shirt. Willow Park, childhood best friend turned bullying victim turned friend again hugged Amity tightly enough to lift her off the ground and twirl her. Amity tried not to wince as she felt her bones start contracting, Willow was strong.

Willow smiled at her and Amity smiled back even as the rest of the Hexsquad ambled up: Gus Porter, dark skinned president of the Human Realm/Demon Realm Exchange Program had somehow grown another few inches and was now taller than her. His simple yellow coat jacket over a brown vest and dark slacks made him look professional, which was the vibe the Illusion Professor’s assistant was going for.

Hunter, the last witch of the Hexsquad, was in simple gray clothing as he stood beside Willow and smiled watching his girlfriend hug the life out of her. He’d forgone his apron for a simple jacket as the heavily scarred Grimwalker smiled, scars wrinkling across his face.

“Good to see you again Amity!” Gus said, slinging an arm around her shoulder as soon as Willow put her down. The dark skinned witch laughed as he rubbed the back of his head. “Guess I owe Hunter some snails.”

Amity blinked. “Why would you-”

“I bet Gus that Luz wouldn't get back before you did so I technically won since Luz is hanging with her mom.” Hunter scratched at his chin. “I mean, when Eda caved and gave Luz an entire week to spend with her you should have conceded then and there, Gus.”

“How was I supposed to know Eda would cave?”

“Because Eda loves Luz as much as she does King and would do anything for her.” Amity frowned, crossed her arms, and grumbled. “Even reveal stuff she totally shouldn't have.”

“Speaking of…”

Oh, oh no. Amity thought to herself as she looked up and found the Hexsquad staring at her impishly, sly smiles on their faces. Willow chuckled at her. “You gonna make me the Maid of Honor?”

She groaned in pure despair. “Did she tell everyone?”

“Yep.” They all said. Amity swore she would never again ask the Owl Lady for anything!

“Oh hey, Boots!” The voice of her current arch-nemesis called out. “You’re back just in time!”

Eda had aged gracefully, she was always aging gracefully since the Owl Curse sapped the vitality from her looks early but now that she was no longer fighting the curse tooth and nail and had entered some sort of… alliance with it, the physical aging had slowed back down to normal. Her long and bushy white hair was tied back into an impressive ponytail held back with several brass braids while her mechanical-arm (that she and dad had provided free of charge) ended in the golden hook she so loved despite it being impractical to the extreme.

Her red robes were shined to a fault and free of the clutter that usually followed the Owl Lady like a cloak, though she was willing to bet she had countless items stored in her incredibly bushy hair.

Eda would always be high in her esteem for all that she had done… but right now Amity was slightly mad.

“You told everyone!?” She yelled out, causing several classes to turn from their open forums and watch the drama unfold. Eda winced and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

“Okay… yes, I did. But-” She held up her hand and hook in defense as Amity snorted angrily. “In my defense I got a bit carried away celebrating.”

“But you don't even know if Luz will say yes yet!” Amity shouted, to which every person listening from both her friends, Eda herself, and the eavesdropping students just gave her incredibly unimpressed looks.

“Yeah, no.” Eda just chuckled. “She’s gonna say yes.”

“But what if-?”

“Amity.” Willow came around, placed her hands on her shoulders, and smiled at her. “She’s gonna say yes.”

“But-”

“Amity?” Willow looked her in the eyes, a stern expression on her face. “Do you love her?”

She paused, swallowed, and nodded.

“And do you know that she loves you?”

She nodded

Willow, sweet and honest Willow who had graciously decided to forgive her her many, many mistakes and whom was now as close to her as when they were kids just smiled at her. "Then you know deep down she'll say yes."

Amity smiled, the comfort filling her up and dispelling all doubts. Willow was a good friend. She had always been there for her… even when Amity didn't deserve it

She didn't deserve a friend like Willow.

After everything, after every insult she’d thrown and abuse she’d hurled… she didn't deserve this wonderful witch as her friend. And yet a friend she had in her. Amity did not cry, she simply hugged the plant prodigy closely so nobody could see the tears coming to the corners of her eyes.

‘You don't deserve this.’ An insidious part of her whispered, something that had always been there and would always be there. ‘You will never deserve this.’

‘Yeah, well, shut up.’ She told her own mind as she leaned back and schooled her features so as not to give off her true feelings right now. If the gentle smile on Willow’s face was anything she didn't do a very good job of it but that was okay, they were okay.

She blinked, wasn't she supposed to be mad about something?

“Ah, I remember how terrified I was about asking Raine.” Eda mused, resting her hook on her chin as she stared into the distance. “The flower field I wanted to do it in kinda fell into the Boiling Sea alongside most of the stuff on the Upper Arm so we had to improvise…”

Oh, right. She was supposed to be angry about Eda blabbering to literally everyone about her plans. “I cannot believe you would do this!” Amity said, stomping up to her angrily as her brow furrowed. “I thought you were going to help me, not blabber-”

“Relax, Boots.” Eda waved her hook lazily and rummaged around in her pocket for something with her good hand. “Did exactly what you asked me to and got it done extra nice.” She pulled her hand out where a small blue velvet box rested in her hand, an impish smirk on her face. “So if you don't want it-”

Amity didn't even give her time to finish her thoughts, rushing forward and grabbing ahold of the small box before rapidly stuffing it down a pocket. “Yesthankyouallisforgiven.” Her words slurred together with how fast they tumbled out, causing laughter amongst her friends as she furiously stepped back.

“Hey.”

She expected many things from Eda the Owl Lady when she looked up at her again: a crooked smile, mirth in her eyes and a laugh on her lips, an expression of amusem*nt… she wasn't prepared for the soft and almost motherly expression on her face. “She’ll love it, she really will.” she said gently, reaching out to ruffle her hair affectionately.

Amity swallowed and nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, when a figure flew through the trees at a rapid pace.

A very familiar palisman staff held a very familiar Human and that sent her heart a flutter as Luz, her wonderful girlfriend and Savior of the Boiling Isles, tried to hop off of Stringbean only to fall flat on her face. She then scrambled upright and leaned on the flying staff with a grin.

“Meant to do that.” Luz said with a finger gun as the Hexsquad rushed their friend. Amity barely took notice of how Vee and Masha were also on Stringbean, who shifted into her base form and curled around Luz’s arm like a bracelet.

Amity would be amazed that Vee, the basilisk who had sworn never to set foot on the Boiling Isles ever again, was now proudly walking along the University without fear at all later when she wasn't currently staring at her wonderful girlfriend.

Hunter caught her in a headlock while Gus hugged her tight before Willow captured them all in a group hug and there the Hexsquad remained for just a moment. All except for Amity who remained frozen with the sheer weight of the ring in her pocket weighing her down and rooting her to the spot.

The fact that they saw each other just a week ago was a small fact that was safely ignored.

“Luz! You bring me anything good from the human world?” Gus asked from the group hug while the others dispersed. “I’m running out of cool things from our summer stay and i could use more material for the Exchange Program so-”

“Gus, she just got back.” Willow chided as she rested a hand on Luz’s shoulder. “You can ask her for presents after someone comes up and says Hi like a normal witch.” Willow then, to Amity’s horror, shoved Luz forward till the two of them were inches apart.

“Sweet Potato!” Luz cried out happily as she caught her in a deep hug and planted a kiss on her cheek. “I missed you sooo much!”

Amity, steadfastly ignoring the waggling eyebrows of Willow and the rest of the Hexsquad, hugged her girlfriend tight. Thoughts about her newest mission tried to make themselves known but she shoved them down, not wanting to blurt out the question here and now like an idiot.

“I missed you too, Batata.”

The two girlfriends hugged one another as if they had been separated for years rather than mere days.

Eda, a pleased smile on her face, came over and ruffled Luz’s hair affectionately. “Hey kiddo, how was your other mom?”

Luz froze, and then broke free and rushed over to Vee and Masha, bringing the pair into the center and looking… strangely determined.

“Guys, something amazing has happened… or something potentially serious, we don't know yet.” Luz explained as Vee nodded along and Masha just stared at the massive tree in wondrous amazement.

“This is where you go to college, Luz?” Masha asked, amazed with their voice almost reverent. “Holy sh*t, did I pick the wrong place.”

“You can be sufficiently amazed by the University afterwards.” Vee said seriously before turning to the rest of the Hexsquad. “Alright gang, this is serious because-”

“Mom,” Luz said with sufficient drama in her voice. “Is dating again.”

The listening witches just blinked.

“Ha, good for Cam!” Eda called out happily. The rest of the Hexsquad reacted similarly as well, Willow and Hunter looking at one another happily while Gus just nodded happily.

Amity would have respond as well but she was staring at Luz and Vee, who were looking at one another worriedly. The sense of joy died down a bit as the two sisters seemed to have an entire conversation without words.

“It’s fine,” Luz said before frowning. “If he’s as harmless as he appears to be.”

“Which he might not be.” Vee said. “I don't know what he is, but he’s not what he seems.”

Amity was not the only one remembering Luz kind mother who gladly took them all in after the Collector forced them out of the Isles with potentially no way back, ever. She had fed them, care for them, helped them get over their trauma of almost seeing Belos destroy all the Isles…

“Tell us everything.” Hunter said, the former child soldier sounded dangerous as he frowned down at the ground.

“Yeah, not right now.”

The entire Hexsquad blinked and then looked at Eda, who was pinching the bridge of her nose in mild annoyance. “I still can’t believe I say this regularly, but I'm going to be the responsible one here: Your mom can handle herself fine for a few hours while you go to class.”

“I literally just got back, Eda.” Luz explained as she threw up her hands in exasperation.

“And you were supposed to be back yesterday, you know, the end of the weekend.” Eda stared her down. “Now it’s Monday and I can only hold off your instructors for so long before they start calling me out for blatant favoritism.”

“But… you do show blatant favoritism?” Gus said, confused.

“Yeah, because Luz is Luz.” She explained, to which the aforementioned human witch preened. “The rest of you get one free pass and that's about it.”

“But what if he-?” Vee began only to be cut off by the Owl Lady.

“Vee, you and Masha are welcome to fill me in on the nitty gritty but as for the rest of you, I'm still the Headmaster and have to be all responsible and sh*t, so go back to class and then plot whatever plan you will cook up regardless of what I tell you.” Eda sighed deeply and mumbled “If child-me could see me now…”

“Question?” Amity said, resisting the ingrained urge to raise her hand. Eda just chuckled.

“Boots, you're not a student here. You can go where you please.” Eda gave her a sly smile. “Like Bardic Studies, for example.”

Hunter, who shared Bardic Studies with the two of them groaned in despair. Bardic Studies, amongst the students of the University, was also known as the “Lumity Power Hour.”

Everyone else just called it “Luz and Amity try to one up each other in cheesy romance songs before a captive audience.”

“Alright.” Luz clenched a fist, determination set in. “First, we learn. And then…”

“We plan.”

Chapter 12: The Lumity Power Hour

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Bardic Studies, like many other classes in the University of Wild Magic, was open to all and as wild as Magic was.

Eda had implemented many rules and structures into the University to ensure that the restrictive and smothering nature of her own academic life would never again crush anyone else like it had her. There had been some who had rebelled against the idea of having the very first Wild Magic Institution be a place of academic anarchy, but Eda made her case well. And thus, the University was unlike any other.

Eda and the teachers had basically plundered the vaults of gold and treasure beneath Belos castle that he’d taken from Wild Witches and the Boiling Isles themselves over the decades so even after giving most of it away to help rebuild, tuition was a foreign concept and would be for many years to come.

There was no shortage of students as most people wanted to learn at the feet of the famous Owl Lady. She had personally selected the teachers who would bring their expertise to the next generation and craft a new Wild Age of Magic.

Bardic Studies was one such example.

Katya Katra, once member of the Bards Against The Throne who joined the Covens Against The Throne as well as one of the apprentices of the legendary Raine Whispers themselves, had basically begged to join the college to help spread the joys of bardic magic to anyone willing to listen. She had an energy about her that was infectious, so utterly happy to teach advanced bardic theory and practice to all who joined her classes.

Though currently she was standing with an awkward smile on her face as she watched the Lumity Power Hour.

“... and I just- I don't know who I would be without you.” Luz said, holding Amity’s hands as she spoke. The young woman was clad in her official uniform, which was basically the Hexside uniform with an added hood and poofier sleeves, and though the only sign of what magical field you were planning on majoring in was the hood itself Luz had taken it upon herself to paint her entire uniform in every color of magic available as an homage to her hexside uniform.

Amity, still in her explorer’s outfit, just smiled lovingly at her girlfriend. “You would be an amazing bonfire of a person, Luz. You’d shine your light for all to see. I don't know who I would be without you.”

“Amity…” Luz breathed happily.

“Luz…”

“None of this is Bardic Magic, you know.” Katya said, just staring at the two of them. She had long since given up trying to stop the flirting between the two of them but still made token efforts. “So not to try and put a damper on things, but-”

“Then let me rectify that.” Amity twirled her hand in the air, a deep red spell circle appearing as soft lights began to fall around the couple. Luz gasped at the sight.

Amity smiled warmly at her, and then she began to sing. “You have always done so much…”

She spread her arms out wide as she sang, her voice carrying over the class. “So many lives you’ve saved. So many souls you’ve touched.”

Luz had small tears in her eyes, a smile as bright as the sun on her face as they both began to move closer to one another while Amity sang. “And in the end, if it’s only me who hears-”

As if by some hidden signal, Luz opened her mouth to sing as well. The two women entered into a duet that swept over everyone listening. “There’s something that I've been wanting to say for years.” The two finally stood in front of one another as they looked into each other's eyes.

Slowly they began to twirl around, their feet drawing a red circle of Bardic magic that lifted them into the air as if they were stepping on clouds. With the sparkles still falling around them, it truly seemed like they were in their own little world.

“More than anything.” Amity sang, reaching over to cup Luz’s face gently. Luz softly pressed her cheek against it with a smile.

“More than anything.” Luz rang out, pressing her forehead against Amity’s as they held each other close.

“Need you to know I love you more than anything!” The two rang out as loud and proud as they could, their voices reaching a harmonious melody.

The two finally stared at one another softly and simply said. “More than anything…” and ended their duet with a kiss.

Hunter Noceda-Deamonne would have been happy for them if this wasn't the third song they’ve gone through by now… and if this wasn't the millionth time they used Bardic Studies to essentially flirt with one another. Hunter was happy for his adopted sister but by the Titan it had gotten very old very fast.

Hunter seemed to be the only one over the Lumity Power Hour however, as the class broke out into gracious applause and cheering. He would admit, it was a good song and he wondered if he should try singing it to Willow later.

He then dismissed that because copying Luz would cause endless teasing from the duo and that would be a fate worse than death. Titan, he was going to have to come up with his own song for her, wasn't he?

Luz and Amity broke apart and took a bow, both of them still holding hands as they did so.

Hunter started to clap sarcastically before Waffles, his bluebird palisman, tugged on his hair and got him to stop. If the impish smirk Luz sent him was anything to go by, she had noticed and enjoyed his suffering.

A buzz sounded off from his pocket and he got out his scroll to notice Willow had sent him a message.

‘How long did it take them this time?’

He found himself smiling shyly as he typed out his response.

‘About five minutes.’

‘Lol.’

He put the scroll away just in time to hear Katya praising the duo. “... wonderful display of beauty, and good use of spellcraft with the visuals.” Katya’s smile thinned a bit as she clapped her hands and looked at the two of them. “Now please, for the love of the Titan, let me teach my class uninterrupted for once.”

“It’s not my fault that Amity is the best girlfriend anyone could ask for!” Luz said, placing her hand atop Amity’s shoulder as she made her grand proclamation. The lavender haired witch smiled and hugged Luz in response. I can’t help but want to share it with the world!”

Small groans echoed out from the class. Luz and Amity were, without fail, the single cheesiest pair of girlfriends in all of existence to everyone’s exasperation at their antics.

“I mean, I was going to talk about the actual history of Bard Magic, but since you two want to keep singing to one another-”

“Wasn't bardic History covered back during Hexside?” Luz asked to which Katya actually became more energetic.

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But what was covered back then was the ‘official’ history of Magic underneath Belos- the actual history of things was destroyed and rewritten to fit his anti Wild Magic agenda.” Katya was now pacing back and forth, Luz going to sit down at her seat and taking Amity with her as the class eagerly wrote down what Katya was saying.

“It’s not just Bard Magic- every single magical art has a deep and rich history he tried to destroy and alter to make us hate our past selves and worship him as the savior of Witch and Demonkind.” Katya ripped out a piece of chalk and was now furiously writing down on a blackboard various snippets of history. “The Dreadwardian Era, the Brass Era, the Five Kingdoms Era… how much of our story has been lost because of him?”

She twirled around, her fangs glinting in the torchlight as she stared at them all. “I’m happy to announce before you all that we actually have some unaltered history to teach as of right now!”

“Thanks in part to the efforts of the Supernatural Museum of History and its curator, Lilith Clawthorne, we have been able to recreate some of the lost documents and history destroyed by the Emperor’s Coven.” Katya clapped her hands and did an illusion spell that created an image of wild witches from the Wild Ages, formerly known as the Savage Ages under Belos, dancing and singing beneath the gaze of the Titans Skull.

“Bardic Magic is one of the oldest forms of magic itself- even predating Abomination and Oracle magic. It is only predated by Construction and Illusion magic which formed the foundations of the earliest civilizations on the Isles.” Her voice captivated the audience as she spoke, her eyes dancing in the light. “We thought that the first forms of Bard Magic came from instruments, but new evidence suggests otherwise.”

“Our very own Amity Blight-” Amity gave a small wave and cheery smile as everyone turned to her while Katya spoke. “-Actually managed to come back with old stone tablets recovered from the Boiling Sea by the movement of The Arm and what these tablets have to say is fascinating.”

Katya twirled her hand and the image changed to that of two groups of witches and demons, one of them with musical instruments and the other without, engaging in diplomacy as they spoke to one another.

“From what we understand, the first instances of Bardic Magic were actually introduced to the Boiling Isles, rather than existing already. Witches and Demons learned from a teacher who came from another Titan that this teacher called ‘Hela.’” Katya spoke clearly and happily as the image she conjured changed to an image of the Titan lying alongside another colossal skeleton in the Boiling Ocean.

“Though all records of where Hela is have been lost, we have managed to uncover even this small part of history as one of the very earliest records of our civilization- dating back even farther than the development of bronze tools! The name ‘Amdusias’ keeps popping up…” Katya continued on as the class listened enraptured to her words.

‘Well,’ He thought to himself as he watched the illusions of lost history. ‘At least the Lumity Power Hour seems to have ended.’

As if sensing his thoughts, Luz turned back to him and smiled evilly as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. She then turned to her girlfriend and practically fell all over her. “Sweet Potato, your voice was sooo pretty!”

Amity seemed to have gotten the message as she rested her head atop Luz’s. “Your voice was prettier, Batata.”

“Your voice was prettier.”

“No, your voice was prettier.”

‘Oh dear Titan, end me.’ Hunter thought to himself as he pulled at his hair in frustration while the two lovebirds in front of him continued to pile on the compliments to each other.

**********

Thankfully, mercifully, the Lumity Power Hour that was Bardic Studies was the last class of the day.

As Luz and Amity walked in front of him, talking at length about everything and nothing at the same time, Hunter found himself just sort of thinking about things.

Once, he had been the Emperor’s right hand. He’d been the head of the Emperors’ Coven and Enforcer of his will upon the Isles. He’d been raised practically from birth- no, from creation, things like him weren't born but made. He’d been crafted perfectly to do his duty and be the best version of a long dead man he could be even without knowing it.

Any deviance was met with the back end of a blade, any failure met with cruel punishment. He was beaten like an animal just for failing to meet a set of impossible standards more days than most and it made him… it made him cruel.

He fell into his tasks with wild abandon, not noticing the effect it had on the people of the Isles and in the case of Luz and the Owl Lady: not caring. He’d fed countless palisman to the Emperor and only after meeting Flapjack did he realize just how utterly f*cked up his life was.

And now, after so long and so many atrocities, he was carving palisman for a living and helping his mentor Dell teach others the fine art of palisman carving.

Where once his hands gripped his techno-staff tightly as he fought and oppressed wild witches, now his hands held a carver's tools and helped bring some semblance of life back into the Isles after so long spent feeding the Emperor’s curse. Where once he had nothing outside of his duty, now he had trouble juggling his day-to-day life with all the activities he had filled it with: Palisman carving, flyer derby, university life, his relationship with Willow...

Where once he had nothing but Belos and the Coven, now he had everything.

The leaves above reflected the setting sun as they shone their light down upon the University, many different students rushing back to dormitories or going off to head on home if they lived close enough. Dancing torchlight shone out from many different alcoves around the tree as afternoon turned to evening around the trio.

Hunter simply kept his hands in his pockets, walking with the relaxed pace he had had to train himself to use (having battle reflexes and a soldier's instincts drilled into you from early childhood did not do any favors towards being normal.) as he wandered behind the chatting witches.

In all honesty, he didn't mind the Lumity Power Hour. After everything Luz and Amity had been through and done, they honestly deserved to act as cheesy and sappy as they pleased, even with a captive audience. His sister in all but blood deserved to be happy however she pleased after everything.

He was never going to say that, however, since he had a reputation to maintain and didn't want to give Luz any more teasing ammunition.

The trio wandered their way to the base of the tree where the last remnants of the old castle lay crumbling beneath the roots of the University. It was a stretch of wall that, miraculously, escaped Belos’ last act and now served as the hangout spot for the Hexsquad. White marble brick was tangled up in roots that seemed to nestle it in its boroughs to keep the room steady.

Inside the wall, there had been a simple room with spartan decorations and a simple bed that hadn’t been used in many years. A few stuffed toys lined the bed while fading newspaper clippings rotted away alongside a cork board full of knicknacks and Emperor’s Coven posters. It was, to put it bluntly, a very depressing room.

It was also his old room when he still served the Coven.

How exactly it had survived Belos turning into a pseudo-titan and the collapse of the castle following his defeat was a mystery for the ages, and not one he was keen on learning the truth of. The Hexsquad had made attempts to make the room far less depressing by adding light strings along the ceiling, posters from the human world along the walls, and pictures of their various hang-outs and adventures to the cork board. Gus had even brought in bean bag chairs for them all to sit in.

The room now served as a sort of hub for them all, allowing them to get away from the day to day by entering the solitude of the room or hanging out with friends here. Many movie nights and adventures were plotted out here over the years as the Hexsquad graduated from Hexside and entered the adult world.

It was here that he and Willow finally confessed to one another, here where they plotted their first adventure to another Titan, here where he had carved Waffles in honor of Flapjack, and here where Luz and Amity often escaped to make out with nobody watching.

The trio entered to find Willow and Gus waiting for them, Willow reclining on the bed while Gus checked his Penstagram page. Masha and Vee were sat in a bean bag as Masha was filled in on the specifics of the University as they groaned in despair over going to whatever a ‘community college’ was instead of here.

“Alright gang, Operation Stealthy Cupid revealed some interesting things.” Luz clapped her hands together as everyone jumped slightly and looked at her. He took the time to sit next to Willow and just sort of rest his head against her shoulder as she smiled at him.

“Sorry, hold on. What's Operation Stealthy Cupid?” Gus asked, putting his scroll away in his pocket as he looked at her confused.

“Masha, Vee, and I followed mom on her date to make sure he wasn't a creep or anything.” Luz explained, forming a few glyph combos to make an illusion of a dartboard with various clues and items strung together. “It was illuminating.”

“I’d just like to say I joined Stealthy Cupid under protest.” Masha said simply, crossing their arms defiantly.

“I didn't.” Vee said helpfully.

“Anyway,” Luz continued past them, clapping her hands together once more. “It's time we talked about Lucius Magne.”

Silence fell across the room.

“Who?” He asked.

“Camila’s date in the human realm- were you not listening to us on the way over here?” Amity asked, offended.

Hunter opened his mouth, paused, and then smirked. “Nope.” He chirped even as an abomination thread pillow impacted him across the face. ‘Worth it.’ he thought to himself.

“Luz and I talked about it for five minutes!” she yelled at him.

“I assumed you were still doing the Lumity Power Hour so I just sort of tuned you out.” He shot back and took delight in their blushing embarrassment.

The pillow swatted him again, his girlfriend Willow sending a small glare at him as she held it. “Don't be mean.” She said simply to which he held up his hands and nodded.

“Anyway,” Luz stressed. “For those of you who don't know, Lucius Magne is mom’s date and maybe boyfriend.”

“Luz, they've been on two dates.” Vee stressed, to which Luz responded, “With a third already planned!”

“Is… is there a limit for how many dates are required before one becomes a boyfriend?”

Luz opened her mouth and then paused before shrugging. “I wasn't really desirable enough for people to consider dating back in the human realm so I wouldn't know.”

Hunter frowned, so did everyone else. The more they learned of Luz’s social life before the Isles the less they enjoyed the humans around her save for Camila and Masha. Willow clenched her fists while he crossed his arms in annoyance.

“Well, it's their loss.” Amty slung an arm around Luz’s shoulder and planted a kiss on her cheek. “I’m not happy they didn't see how amazing you are, but I am happy you're dating me now.”

Luz smiled dopily as snickers went through the room at how cheesy they both were. He almost opened his mouth to tease about just how happy Amity was she was before he closed his mouth with a click. That would be… that would be cruel, revealing it to Luz before Amity was ready.

Revealing it to everyone else? That was fair game, but Luz would be a step to far and he was trying to make up for his many sins.

“In the human world, it usually takes a few dates to find out if you're compatible enough to be considered together.” Masha, ever dependable Masha, explained for the Hexsquad as they all forgot their anger at Luz’s human schooling to listen to the other human in the room. “Like, going on one date and declaring yourself dating is rushing things, whereas after three you've established enough of a pattern to-”

“So, it's basically the same as here on the Isles, got it.” Gus gave a thumbs up and began furiously scribbling into a notepad he had. “This will be great to tell the exchange program. Heck, I could make it another whole lesson: ‘Dating between species.’”

“Okay… good to know.” Masha looked interested besides themself, clearly curious. “Anything else I should know about that?”

“On the Isles, you show you're going steady by gifting a piece of your own jewelry to the person you're dating.” Gus explained to which Masha froze, grabbed at their necklace and then turned to Vee who smiled shyly.

“That's why you were so happy about getting my old earrings?” Vee blushed and nodded while Masha breathed through their nose. “Okay, so I basically proposed to my girlfriend by accident… cool, cool cool cool.”

“No take backs.” Vee said simply as she rested her head on their shoulder.

“ANYWAY!” Luz once more clapped her hands together to gain everyone’s attention, a look of seriousness on her face. “Moving on, we need to talk about Lucius.”

“Is he dangerous?” Willow asked seriously, the mirth on her face gone along with everyone else's.

Luz opened her mouth… before pausing and shrugging. “I don't know.”

The rest of the Hexsquad blinked and looked to one another before turning back to her. “Then… what's the problem?”

“He’s not normal.” Vee said, getting up and moving to the front of the room alongside Luz and Amity. “He smells of magic, but only sometimes. And the magic he smells like is… weird.” She frowned, looking down at the ground. “It was like eating a hot pepper covered in chili sauce, it actually burned a bit just from the ambience around it.”

All the non magic-eating basilisks in the room just looked at one another once more. “Is…” He began, his voice unsure. “Is that not normal?”

Vee blinked before pinching the bridge of her nose. “No, that's not normal. Magic has a distinct flavor to it, almost like a tangy fruit juice. It shouldn't be spicy at all.”

A general wave of understanding ran across the room as they all nodded along. Masha looked interested and joined Gus in writing down everything Vee was saying.

Willow, however, was focusing on the important bits. “So, he could be from a different Titan.”

Vee shrugged. “I’ve only ever eaten magic from this Titan, never another. He could be a witch in disguise.”

“He’s also rich.” Luz made a small alteration to the glyph combo and the image changed front he dartboard to an image of a very fancy, rather short looking man in a bright white suit. “I was a little distracted by everything surrounding the date-”

“By the way, if he ever gets out of jail we’re beating up Jacob Hopkins.” Masha said simply to which their girlfriend Vee nodded along viciously.

“Wait, what does Jacob have to do-”

Luz talked right over him. “-but I took note of how it’s possible mom snagged a vampire millionaire.”

“I thought you told me Vampires weren’t real?” Gus asked, confused.

“I said they probably weren’t real but recent events have made me think otherwise.” Luz began pacing back and forth, her expression severe. “His magical aura, his vast wealth, his odd behavior… I see two possibilities before me.”

She turned to the group. “Option one: He’s exactly what he appears to be, a vampire millionaire who just so happened to meet mom by happenstance and is now fighting against his inner nature to be the man she believes him to be all the while dodging supernatural enemies he’s made over the centuries.”

“I read that book, Luz.” Masha rolled their eyes. “It wasn't that good.”

Luz blushed and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “Option two: He’s a demon from another titan who fled to the human realm and is using his magic to make a fortune.” Luz began to pace once more. “Mom believes him to be some high-power executive from a company in New York and I can totally see a magical demon making a fortune off the stock market.”

“I… understood those were words.” Gus said, smiling embarrassedly as he kept writing in his notebook.

Stringbean floated around Luz’s head and began to speak to her, little “Meeps.” echoing off of the palisman as Luz nodded.

“Also, Stringbean wants me to tell you all an Isles demon made it into the human world and tried to crash the date.” She explained to which Stringbean shifted into a rather adorable goat beast in a plant like suit with what looked to be Night-Vision goggles on. “What he was doing there is a mystery, but it could be connected.”

“Or,” Vee said, looking expectantly at Luz. “It could be one of the many creatures Eda accidentally gave sentience and then abandoned behind a coffee shop.”

“There is also that possibility, yes. Eda did make talking racoons once so-”

Masha rocketed to their feet, their expression alarmed. “Wait, wait: The talking racoons are real!?”

Luz and Vee nodded to which Masha sat back down, shocked. “I thought Jeremy was pulling my leg about seeing those…”

“The point I'm trying to make is: Lucius is magical, has a vast fortune, and is possibly or possibly not connected to an Isles demon Stringbean had a fight with.” Luz looked at the Hexsquad and tried to convey the gravity of the situation. “I don't know if he’s a vampire or an Isles witch but he’s something and we’re not leaving this room until we figure it out!”

“I have the exchange program to get back to.” Gus explained.

“I have a date with Hunter.” Willow explained to which he nodded bashfully.

“I was actually going to see if you wanted to come to dinner with my dad and the twins.” Amity said.

Luz sighed. “Okay, we’re not leaving this room until at least an hour has passed.”

Chapter 13: To growing up!

Chapter Text

As afternoon turned to evening, Eda Clawthorne, headmistress of the University of Wild Magic, carefully waited for her sister.

The mature and bushy haired witch carefully nursed a glass of Apple Blood in her good hand as her hook tapped against the grain of the railing. Apple Blood was about her drink of choice most days though she had certainly cut back on overindulging like she had before.

Maturity and responsibility had come to her late in the game but they had come like a Gorenado.

She’d cut back on the hard liqueurs after kidnapping/adopting King off of that damn Island, she’d cut back on the scams and law-breaking once Luz came into her life, and now she was even cutting back on apple blood now that she was Headmistress of her dream institution.

Apple Blood! It was basically fermented blood from a slain apple and had the same kick as a Snaggleback: zero to none. Oh, if you drank enough of it you could get drunk off your ass but she… she didn't do that anymore.

She frowned into her drink as she considered that.

Once she was the most feared witch on the Boiling Isles, an outlaw who stuck it to the Emperor and got away with it due to being sneaky and conniving. She’d given up on a lot of her old dreams and aspirations as her curse got worse and worse and basically threw herself into living as she pleased no matter the consequences.

King had been her first wake up call: his first words would never leave her. But even King hadn’t been able to make her stop living like she did. She still flagrantly ignored almost every law, regularly assaulted members of the Emperor’s Coven, and scammed the sh*t out of everyone and everything she could.

And then along came Luz.

Luz Noceda, a plucky young teen wanting to do the impossible and be the first human witch. It was never going to happen but Eda let her stay and learn anyway.

The why of it was hotly debated amongst the people of the Isles, most of whom had never met either of them before but knew of them through osmosis: Eda had sensed the destiny that Luz would enact and so had taken her under her wing, or Luz was secretly the daughter of the Titan themself, or Eda had sensed the Titan’s will that day…

There were even some rumors that Luz was secretly the love child of Raine and Eda, sent off to the human realm to safeguard her against the agents of the Emperor only to come back at the hour of the Isles greatest need!

Raine and her had laughed themselves silly at that last one.

The why of what made Eda let Luz stay would be hotly debated until the bones of the Titan rotted away in a billion years and sank into the ocean below, and the truth Eda would take to her grave.

She just didn't want to be alone anymore.

At that point in life she had basically no friends, no Raine, her sister was off being Little Miss Perfect for the Emperor’s Coven, her mom… was being her mom, and her dad was still an agonizing reminder of her curse and its consequences. Even King, her lovely adopted son who she was raising alongside Raine, was more like a roommate back then than anything resembling family.

So why not let a human enter her home? Why not try to teach a human the impossible? It wouldn't hurt anything and at least she would have someone to talk to who wasn't Hooty.

And then somehow Luz turned all their lives upside down, opened her heart, made her reconcile with her sister, with her mom, with her dad, with Raine, and made her realize that she was never really alone unless she let herself be.

Oh, and she destroyed the Emperor’s Coven and helped kill Emperor dickhe*d. That was also important.

Eda smiled, swirling the dark red liquid in her mug as she just stared off into the distance at the lower half of the Titan’s colossal skeleton. Life hadn't been kind to her, but then again if you looked at it as a whole it wasn't too bad.

Now here she stood, in the high hall of her own personal office as headmistress of her own academy of Wild Magic. She was married to the love of her life, had two different kinda-sorta adopted kids, and couldn't ask for more.

The door to her office was kicked open, Luz sweeping in with determination with Stringbean close behind. “Eda! I need to ask you something!”

Well, she could always ask to ruminate in peace she supposed.

Eda downed the mug quickly, slamming the mug down on the railing as she turned around and made her way over to the massive oaken desk. It was a heavy and ornate thing, not her vibe at all, but it had been a gift from Alador after the apocalypse was all said and done so she accepted it with only mild complaining.

She rocked back in her simple swivel chair, kicked her feet up on the desk, and leveled her best Stern Teacher look at Luz. “Luz, I love you but you gotta stop kicking down my door.”

Luz rubbed the back of her head with a grimace and a laugh, looking awkwardly at the door she had come in through. “Okay… I’m sorry about that.” She then perked up and slammed both hands against the desk, her eyes alight. “But this is serious!”

Eda found herself leaning forward despite herself. Perhaps Boots (she mentally reminded herself to find an appropriate apology for blabbering about the proposal) had come by with some new adventure or ruin to explore on one of their ‘Action-Dates.’

Luz breathed in and out, gathering herself, before finally looking Eda in her mismatched eyes. “My mom texted me that her and Lucius’s date is in three days so I was wondering if you and Raine-”

"Let me stop you right there." she said, only a little disappointed all the seriousness was over something so silly. "I don't double-date. and I certainly won't spy while double-dating."

"But Eda-" Luz groaned, Stringbean morphing into a cute puppy on her shoulder and staring at her with big, wet eyes.

Eda was entirely unmoved.

"Look Luz, sometimes you gotta let things happen.” She explained carefully, mind rushing on how to explain her point when a stroke of brilliance hit her. She beamed, stood up, and put her good arm around Luz while her hook was thrust into the distance to help explain.

“Take me for example: Once while I was going under Marilyn I went to one of your human cities, Vegas or something, and lost it all gambling. Woulda left in shame had I not fallen in with some guy named Stan.” She laughed to herself remembering the man, he’d been handsome and she’d been lonely so they’d hit it off. Oh, he’d been a con artist without shame but so was she so they had something in common.

“Was into older guys back then so we got drunk, then got married, then we pretty much scammed an entire casino out of money. It was the best six hours I ever had in the human world!” She then frowned. “I think we technically divorced when I stole his car and he retaliated by stealing all the money, jokes on him though: the cops chased after him instead of me.” She sighed. “I still miss that car sometimes…”

"... Okay, I have several burning questions now, but those can wait!" Luz said.

Luz started pacing back and forth, her expression still determined. “I am more than happy that mom found someone after all this time: she deserves to be happy.” Luz nodded to herself, Stringbean curling around her arm comfortingly. “And I will protect and support her no matter what… but if he isn't what he appears to be, shouldn't we do something about it?”

Eda sighed as she leaned back against the desk, looking down at Luz and just thinking.

Titan, but it felt like yesterday she was discovering the Light Glyph and sending dozens of little balls of pure light up across her room after a terrible night full of curse weirdness. And now here she was, victorious over Ol’ Bellend and his band of cultist crazies and the savior of the Boiling Isles.

Where, exactly, did all the time go?

No matter how old she got though, it was good to know Luz would always still be the pure-hearted girl she was when they met. Beating up bad guys and discovering long-lost magical arts one day, worrying about her mom’s new boyfriend the next.

It made her want to reach out and ruffle her hair all maternally like a big sucker, so she did.

“Eda!” Luz complained, fighting away her good hand as Stringbean laughed at her witch. “I’m trying to be serious here!” Luz looked up to continue complaining when she saw the melancholic look on her face.

“Eda?”

“Hmm?”

“How much apple blood have you had?” Luz asked, crossing her arms and looking disappointed.

She drew herself up. “I’ll have you know that I’ve only drank one mug full of apple blood, thank you very much.”

Luz looked unimpressed. “And how many times did you ‘refill’ said mug of apple blood?”

“... I don't see what that has to do with anything.”

Before Luz and her palisman could look more disappointed in her she waved them away with her hook. “Look, kiddo, I'm not going to spy on your mom for you.”

Luz looked conflicted and she sighed. “Listen, I can't relate to what you’re going through but I can say that your mom is a fighter. I mean, sh*t, she followed you into the demon realm and faced down an apocalypse with you!”

Luz smiled wistfully. “She did, yeah…”

“I know you’re worried about her kid, but you gotta let her make her own decisions. Even bad ones.”

Before Luz could complain she cut her off. “From what Masha and Vee told me, whatever Lucius is he seems to be a massive dork in love overall so I'm pretty happy leaving this up to Cam.”

Luz… she just sighed and smiled. “He did do a little dance when mom told him she wanted to go on a third date.”

She snorted, the mental image was still funny even all these hours after Vee and Masha filled her in on all the details. Oh, for sure, she had been a bit worried as well when she first heard Cam was dating… whatever the f*ck a Vampire was, but the more the two of them talked the more it seemed like he was kind of harmless overall.

What you saw was apparently what you got: a massive dork just trying to find love again.

The nervous energy seemed to bleed out of Luz, her shoulders sagging as she just smiled gratefully at her. “Thanks Eda.”

And then Luz rushed up and hugged her.

Titan, but she had been so utterly confused the first time Luz had done this but she would admit it had grown on her. Eda smiled and hugged her back with her good arm, making sure not to scar her with her hook hand. She’d had lots of practice by now, since hugging with a wicked blade for a hand was hard to do when you didn't want to wound someone.

… maybe Lily was right, maybe the hook was a little impractical.

Eh, she could deal with it. The hook was cool as sh*t, she wasn't giving it up.

“Alright kid, let go.” She pushed her apprentice/daughter away and just laughed. “I have a meeting with Lily in a few minutes so best be off with you.”

Luz smirked at her. “What, you aren’t curious about Mr. Magne?”

“Yeah, I am.” Luz blinked and she started waving her off. “But I also probably won't meet him anytime soon so it's no big deal.”

Luz opened her mouth, paused, and then smirked mischievously at her. “There’s a betting pool.” She sang out.

… Titan damn it. “Put me down five hundred for ‘Weregiraffe.’”

Luz paused, “You mean like a Werewolf?”

“... what’s a werewolf?” She asked.

“What’s a weregiraffe?”

“The main subject of a trashy romance series. Sold out within days it was that popular, remember a bunch of teenagers fighting over being ‘team Romulus’ or ‘team Vlad’” She leaned in and chuckled evilly. “Fun fact: Lily was obsessed with them.”

Luz actually gasped, mock horror in her eyes. “Cool Auntie Lilith was a Twilight fan!?”

Eda blinked, “Actually it was called Midnight, and-” She sighed and shook her head. “Anyway, Lils and I are gonna talk about another research adventure for you brats so I’m going to need you to go back to getting more people in on the betting pool so I'm even richer when I win.”

”I’d rather not spread my mom’s personal life outside my friend group just so you can make a few snails.” Luz looked disappointed again but finally began moving away. “I do have something to do with Amity so I’ll head out and leave you alone.” she called out as she disappeared out of the room.

And thus, Eda was left alone once more.

She continued leaning back against the desk as she just kept thinking. Raine was off leading the new Government of the Isles and would be bogged down in meetings until sun up. Rebuilding the Isles into a new and free society after being ruled by a totalitarian megalomaniac with a f*cked up savior complex was hard.

It also meant that the few times her and Raine had off together were spent sleeping and cuddling. No energy for anything else when running an entire academic system and running an entire government respectively kept you wrung out most days.

Titan, when was the last time she and Raine just… had time to themselves? No Isles, no students, no apprentices, nothing to keep them apart? She couldn't remember-

Actually, wait, she could remember. The last time they had any free time together was the King-ceneara… two years ago now.

That was inexcusable. She swore then and there she was going to take Raine on a nice date as far away from their duties and responsibilities as physically possible or die trying. Screw it, she would go back to her wild days and stage a fake kidnapping if she had to just to get Raine away for a single evening.

Of course, that asked the question of ‘Where could you take Raine that the Isles won't follow?’

sh*t, she would have to think outside the bo-

“I don't double-date. And I certainly won't spy while double-dating.”

‘Maybe a double date wouldnt be the worst thing…’ she thought to herself. The human realm was far away, didn't have any reminders of the Isles, and would be worry free as far as Raine was concerned. She could take her spouse on a nice date and maybe tag along with Cam and… Lucius.

She groaned and slumped: Luz would never let her hear the end of this if she went through with it….

Screw it, Raine was worth some teasing.

Before she could talk herself out of it or figure out something else, a familiar brown owl palisman flew in through the window and landed on her shoulder, nuzzling the side of her face with his own. “Hey buddy.” She cooed as she scratched the top of his little head.

“Hello sister.”

“Lily!”

Lilith Clawthorne was aging gracefully. Since she had primarily avoided the rapid aging brought on by the curse by virtue of the alliance she made with the Owl Beast within weeks of her taking it on, she still had mostly bright orange curly hair with wicked looking gray streaks. Her blue coat looked good on her, very professional.

Honestly, Eda liked her more now that she was no longer dressing as either a cultist with a stick up their ass or a depressed hobo like she had back during the final year of Belos’ reign. She also just liked having her sister back after… everything.

Lilith jumped off of Barnabas, her dopey looking raven palisman, and caught her in a bone-crushing hug. “It’s so good to see you again, Edalyn!”

“We saw each other last week.” She carefully explained to which her once prissy and perfect sister simply rolled her mismatched eyes.

“Yes, but I do enjoy these cross academic talks of ours.” Lilith beamed at her. “When you mentioned wanting to send out another group of students on a ruin hunt I gathered as much material as I could and rushed over as fast as I-”

Eda placed both hand and hook on Lilith’s shoulders. “Lily, lily breathe.”

“I’m sorry, Eda.” Lilith thankfully began breathing, no longer trying to force out as many words as she could at once. The curator of the supernatural Museum of History brushed her coat down before beaming at her. “I just… you know how excited I get about history.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Eda bumped her shoulder into her with a smile. “Still the same big ol’ nerd even after all this time, huh?”

Lilith smiled. “I can't help it that I've found my passion.”

“Nerd.”

“You’re one to talk, Edalyn.” Lilith smirked. “Oh, I'm sorry, Headmistress Edalyn.”

She groaned in despair and walked over to the fridge to begin refilling her mug with apple blood. “Don't remind me. You know how hard it is to teach Glyph-Making when your son is the only one who can make them by proximity so far?”

She offered a glass to Lilith, who took it gratefully. “You seem to be doing well so far from what I've heard.”

“And would anyone say anything if I wasn’t?” She plopped herself back down in her chair and began drinking, the sweet yet spiced flavor a familiar friend. “I literally stomped Belos’ head in with my boot: who the f*ck would call me out for screwing up a class or two?”

“Raine also helped to stomp Belos' head in and they get called out all the time.” Lilith explained. “Everytime they try to make even the slightest change to society they get called the second coming of Belos. Even if it’s beneficial for all.” Lilith paused and then shook her head. “Actually, especially if it’s beneficial for all.”

She groaned. “Politics, Lily: not even once.”

Lilith shrugged, sipping at her own drink. “I’m just saying it happens more often than you think. You’re a great teacher, Edalyn. You taught Luz after all.”

She smiled. “That I did, Lils. That I did.”

The two sisters sat in comfortable silence for a moment. Barnabas and Owlbert talking to one another in the corner in the language of palismans. What they spoke of she couldn't say, though it involved lots of wing movements.

She stared down at her drink and thought for a moment. “Hey, Lils?”

“Hmm?”

She paused, swallowed, and then barreled forth. “You ever think about what our younger selves would think of us?”

Lilith choked on her apple blood, wiping at her mouth furiously. “Wha- what brought that on?”

She shrugged. “Just something I've been thinking of lately, is all.”

Lilith looked at her oddly before falling into contemplation, her brow furrowed as she thought. A dark and pained look passed through her eyes before she shook her head. “I… I think that though she would hate the path it took to get here, she would ultimately be proud of me.”

She looked up to the ceiling. “I did… awful things. Things I can never make up for. But ultimately here I am trying to do right by the world. I think, Edalyn, she’d be happy with what I am now.” She looked at her. “What about you?”

Eda thought for a moment. “She’d be disappointed I wasn't a professional grudgby superstar.”

Lilith gave her side eye. “I bare my soul and that's what you respond with?”

She sighed as her sister glared at her before relenting. “I think… I think she’d be happy with me too.”

Silence fell as they bothy thought about the past.

“Seriously, Edalyn.” Lilith looked at her with concern. “What brought that on?”

She smirked. “Just comparing who I was under Belos to now.” They both looked at the old wanted poster, once plastered across every town in the Boiling Isles and denoting her as the most dangerous criminal who ever lived.

Lilith looked even more concerned. “Eda, I don't think about who I was under Belos at all. We both know I was horrible as one of his enforcers.”

“You don't miss chasing after me at all?”

“Edalyn!”

She held up hand and hook in surrender. “Sorry Lily. I’m just… reminiscing.” She stared at the poster longingly. “Just thinking about how I grew up is all.”

Lilith paused, her head co*cking to the side as she stared at her sister like a puzzle that needed solving. “... you grew up?”

“Yeah, I grew up.” She spread her arms wide, her smile bright. “Now I'm all responsible and crap, have a steady job and everything. I'm basically raising endless generations of apprentices on how to be free and wild like magic.” she nodded. “I grew up.”

Lilith looked at her and began laughing, the fiery haired witch full of such mirth it was infectious as she joined Lilith in her laughter. Together they laughed, joy in their hearts and souls.

“To growing up!” Eda cried out, raising her mug to the air.

Lilith matched her with a smile. “To growing up.”

The two sisters toasted and laughed, and all was well.

Chapter 14: Of Royals and Apple Tarts

Chapter Text

In the halls of Envy, a somewhat important gathering was taking place.

A colossal crystalline structure spread out across a wide plain of snow and ice, great spires rising up to reach the skies while gemstones the size of city blocks were carved into great halls that could house thousands. It was opulence and splendor taken to its logical limit.

Nothing less would satisfy the ego’s of the Ars Goetia, however.

Those bickering families of powerful and power-hungry demons born in the seven rings of Hell upon its creation ten thousand years ago had splintered into seventy two royal houses that upheld the sovereignty and regality of Hell itself. Seventy two families that bickered, schemed, warred, plotted, and terrorized one another for thousands and thousands of years.

Though the Goetias were not immortal, they were extremely long lived and very hard to kill. Most would die simply of old age or illness but there were a chosen few who did not, who in fact died under mysterious circ*mstances. And then there were those who died under ‘mysterious’ circ*mstances like ‘How did an angelic knife find its way into your chest when the only other person home is your only heir and beneficiary of your estate?’

When one was as close to immortal as you could get without being a literal fallen one, politics tended to get a bit messy.

The massive crystalline structure of Envy was the Royal Convocation, seat of the only neutral ground that the seventy two families would ever recognize. Here was where Gremory, current head of the Convocation, would hold court as the families discussed the politics and structure of Hell.

Many arguments and eternal blood feuds had been born in this place, though as it was neutral ground none would ever openly attack another here. Though anything less than outright murder was acceptable to the Goetias: Thrones had been thrown, tables broken, fistfights, magic fights, curses and hexes often flew through the air as the royal families aired out their grudges from a… questionably safe distance.

Inside a glittering diamond the size of a school building was a pentagram shaped room. Several layers on four sides of the pentagram rose up in rows of tables and thrones for the Goetia nobles while at the head of the pentagram stood a tall court table with a throne at the apex of it, and slightly beneath that throne was another of ostentatious grandeur.

It was here that the Goetia gathered, it was here that the bureaucracy of Hell was performed.

Imp clerks would regularly scurry about and collect paperwork or clean up after the Goetias, the unendingly busy staff trying their best to make sure the crystal palace was as spotless and clean as could be for the demonic royalty.

However, for the first time since its founding, the Royal Convocation was almost silent as the grave as seventy two lords, ladies, and nonbinary nobles awkwardly looked to one another and waited for someone to break the silence first.

Stolas, current head of House Stolas since his fathers passing, tapped his fingers on the glittering gemstone table in front of him as he awkwardly glanced at his ex wife across the circular room they were all stuffed in.

Stella, vicious and abusive as she was, wasn't an idiot and simply relegated herself to glaring hatefully at him with her beak shut tight. Andrealphus preened next to her and leaned over, opening his beak to most likely throw out some back-handed compliment-

~tap tap tap~

Andrealphus closed his beak quietly and glanced fearfully at the one figure in the room that was causing all the fuss.

Gremory, the fiery feathered demoness and head of the Convocation by internal election, was chugging wine like she was dehydrated as she tried her best not to look behind and above her. Her midnight black dress had a few wine stains on it from her shaky hands as she dipped her long, pelican like beak into the wine glass and chugged like a sailor.

For behind her was a black iron throne, high backed and free of any gilding or gemstone lining like all the others. For who needed ostentation when you were the king of Hell.

Lucifer Morningstar, it seemed, was getting out of his long depression. Seven years of silence and before that centuries of spontaneous appearances around hell had given the Fallen One an almost cavalier persona. He showed up, rambled about something to do with ducks or making things, and then disappeared for a year. The only time the average demon would even see the King was during his yearly Sinmas Fireside Chat where he would address the state of Hell, his plans for the future, and then gush about his wife and child for an hour straight.

Seven years ago they ended abruptly around the same time a bunch of lawyers from Greed announced the Queen had hired them for divorce proceedings and nobody saw hide nor hair of the King since.

Except for reasons nobody could figure out, he had decided to attend his first meeting of the Convocation in centuries. Now he sat in the black iron throne, the short King of Hell in his regal white suit and top hat/crown as he looked down at all of them.

Well, that was the plan. In truth before anyone could say anything the King had gotten a text on his hellphone and promptly ignored them all for at least thirty minutes as he texted… someone.

Stolas didn't know who he was texting, none of them did, but he could guess if the childish giggling and the dopey smile on his face were anything to go by.

He’d felt the same whenever Blitzy- no, Blitz, whenever Blitz would text him.

He carefully side-stepped the enormous can of worms that was his relationship or lack-there-of with Blitz and focused on the king. He could cry about how enormously he had screwed everything up with the only person to care about him outside of his daughter later.

~tap tap tap~

The king kept texting, a happy smile on his face as his fingers flew over the phone like crazy.

He wondered, briefly, what sordid and salacious things the king and his paramour were texting one another.

**********

‘So why did the duck go to the chiropractor?’

‘Please stop, I can't keep laughing like this.’

‘To get his back quacked!’

‘My daughters would say Im supposed to do a Keyboard Smash now but I'll just say that you caused me to spill my coffee you incorrigible man.’

‘I'm glad I can make you laugh like this.’

'Oh really? I have one for you then: What time do ducks get up?’

‘?’

‘The quack of dawn! :D’

**********

The king nearly fell over giggling to himself and the royals looked to one another in confusion. He guffawed so loudly it echoed throughout the hall, bouncing off the walls of the Diamond Building and causing all to hear it.

Only when he died down did the silence continue and it was almost physical, it was so painful and all-consuming. Something had to give.

“Um… your majesty?”

Every eye in the hall laser focused on the one who had dared to talk to the king and he was horrified to find out it was himself. Andrealphus looked shocked while Stella looked like Sinmas had come early.

"What the f*ck are you doing?" Murmur, the midnight black co*ckatoo demon with a truly colossal headcrest, hissed next to him. Gremory looked at him like he had lost his mind while several other Goetia Demons looked ready to either bolt or start carving up his territory and holdings right then and there.

“Hmm?” Lucifer looked up from his phone and scanned the Convocation. “Someone say something?”

He was shaking in his throne, feathers puffing out as every last one of his long underused fight or flight responses went into overdrive. If he said nothing, maybe he could-

“My darling of an ex-husband wanted your attention, your majesty” Stella was preening, malicious joy in her eyes as she waved a hand in his direction. Andrealphus looked both impressed and horrified by his sister’s actions.

Lucifer looked at him and a noise like a dying frog escaped him. The king raised an eyebrow and he did what he did best: talk out of his ass.

“Well, your majesty,” He tugged at his collar as sweat ran down his feathers. His eyes shifted for anyone willing to help him but every last noble representative was perfectly ready and more than willing to watch him flounder and fail. He was alone.

“It’s just… ah, well, that is to say, we have a schedule to keep?”

Silence descended once more as the Convocation stared at him like he was as mad as his great-grandfather Amdusias. Maybe he was as crazy as old Amdusias: first he interrupts the king of hell while typing to his paramour and the next thing you know he’s being quietly put into an asylum in Sloth due to inane ramblings about large skeletons and a bunch of cave-people.

Lucifer blinked and Stolas tried to sink into the surface of this throne to escape-

“Oh, you're right!” The king looked a little embarrassed as he scratched at the side of his face. “Sorry everyone, was so bust text- i mean, talking to one of my under- no, won't call her that. Er, I was talking to… someone. Yes! I was talking to someone and lost track of the time.”

Why, exactly, the King was so willing to hide who he was dating was suspicious to the Convocation and almost all of them began to wonder who his paramour was: Was it one of their rivals? A minor house? Was that one sinner who hijacked an entire Voxnet channel for an hour to talk about Lucifer/Belphegor right and the King was dating one of his brethren from the Fall?

The only ones not focusing on the relationship drama were Stolas himself, too busy wiping the sweat from his brow in relief, and Gremory, who began to pound her gavel against the high-top table she sat at.

“Let the Royal Convocation of the Ars Goetia commence. First on the docket…” Gremory gathered together her notes and peered down her beak at them, her six eyes squinting. “... the resolution to finally disassemble the Malphas estates. Barbatos, you have the floor.”

Stolas was continuously amazed at how well behaved and respectful the entire Convocation was this day. Usually, arguments and infighting would have broken out by now between some houses, and yet nobody was willing to act out in the presence of the King.

His ex-wife would have sent a few smug insults his way about how she was currently winning the custody battle, or that he would never see Octavia again because he was “Clearly unfit to be a parent due to his proclivities with the lower class.” It was bullsh*t, his relationship with Blitz was being used as a weapon against him and he could do nothing because…

Because, at the end of the day, he had prioritized his relationship over his family. Stella had driven him into the arms of an imp and he had tried to keep everything together but it had all fallen apart so fast.

The Asmodean crystal he had would at least salvage something out of the burning trashfire that was Blitz and his relationship but he was growing more and more terrified that his little owlet would be taken away forever.

The Convocation was on Stella’s side, the infernal news media was on Stella’s side, everyone was on her side. And if Stella brought it up today (which he knew she would) he knew the King would be on her side as well because life was unfair.

He glanced at Stella out of the corner of his eyes and saw her glaring daggers at him, utter hate in her eyes. She’d always been cruel and sad*stic but now that he had essentially humiliated her in front of Hell she had… well, thrown herself into destroying him.

And she was winning.

He shook his head, if he thought anymore about his losing custody battle he would start crying and then the vultures would descend. He could at least pretend to listen to Barbatos and his latest unsuccessful attempt to swallow up the Malphas estates.

“... been gone for a full century, it is time to face the facts: he died up there and will never be seen again.” Barbatos, a bald headed vulture with a quite large peaco*ck like tail, made his latest case well. “I ask of you: would it not be better to swallow up his lands and estates now rather than wait into eternity for a dead demon to return?”

Muttering and agreements rang out as the representatives nodded to one another. This was how things usually went: Barbatos would make his case, he would make it well, the Convocation would agree-

“And like every time you bring it up, I ask of you: who gets his estates?” Gremory asked, staring down the vulture demon as he gulped. He scratched at his neck, looked about the room, and then sighed.

“I would, my lady.”

Discontent rang out as the representatives all began to argue why they, and only they, should get Malphas’ possessions.

- and then the Convocation would get bogged down trying to figure out who got what.

It was old hat by now and it was something Stolas tried to avoid. He didn't want Malphas’s old stuff, he never even met the demon! Oh, Stella had argued ceaselessly about why she wanted a new castle and why it should be Malphas’s back when they were married, but he didn't much care when the convocation failed to find a solution.

Zagan and Vine looked ready to come to blows, Belial was shouting about how Barbatos was “An imp loving fool!” and Astaroth was currently declaring about how he was half ready to tear up the Book of Damnation itself.

‘At least things are peaceful this time.’ he thought to himself as he rested his head in his hands and groaned in annoyance.

“Is it always this exciting?”

The voice, confused and full of awkward hesitation, cast an immediate lull in the infighting as everyone froze at the sound of the king’s question. Gremory, a look of embarrassed fury on her face, craned her neck up to look at the king who was currently leaning down and stage whispering to her.

“It, er, is usually more peaceful your majesty.”

“It looks fun!” He laughed a bit and cast his red eyes about the room nervously. “I mean, it's all just for show, right?”

The room of nobles all carefully and immediately began to pretend to be friends, shaking hands and laughing fakely with those they had been ready to kill not even seconds ago. It would not do to appear lesser in the eyes of the king.

Stella, having not engaged with any of the infighting, simply kept glaring at him like he was a bug she found on the bottom of her talons.

He awkwardly scratched at the side of his face again, unsure how to respond with the king watching their every move.

“Whats next?” The king looked awkward as he glanced at everyone, his gaze causing several Goetia to flinch and look away. Unfortunately, he didn't look away fast enough as Lucifer caught his gaze and looked him in the eyes.

“You there! Do you have anything to bring before the Convocation?”

Stolas had several things to bring before the Convocation but right now he couldn't think of any, he was too busy trying not to die from stage fright before the eyes of everyone in the hall.

“Well…” He began lamely, his gaze anywhere but at Lucifer. “I… ah, it is time… time to… er…”

“Time to…?” Lucifer looked confused, the Convocation looked furious, and Stella looked gleeful as he floundered before the King. Before he could try to save himself, Lucifer looked up and gasped.

“Oh my golly! Is that really the time?” Lucifer looked at the eternal clockwork time-keeper on the wall, the many gears and springs making sure all twenty four hours of the earth were kept up to date. The king rocketed to his feet in shock and rushed about, gathering his things. “I completely forgot about my plans today, what kind of boyfriend am i? I was going to take her on a lovely picnic and here i am wasting all of your valuable time-”

The king blinked, a look of worry crossing his face as he looked down at him. “You don't think it’s too early to be calling myself a boyfriend, do you?”

Every head in the hall turned from the king to him and once more he wanted to sink into the crystalline floor. “Er… no?”

“Is that… is that a question?”

His long neck retracted into himself as he started making dying noises. “No?”

Lucifer blinked before a happy smile crossed his face. “Ah, that's alright then. Thanks for the help… er-”

“Stolas, your majesty.” He slowly eased himself up onto his throne once more as he felt the immediate danger pass.

“Stolas, then.” And suddenly, between one moment and the next, the king was now in front of him shaking his hand. “By golly, I do appreciate you helping me out with that and reminding me about the time. I truly hope you have a wonderful rest of the day.”

“He was going to run off and meet his imp boytoy, your majesty.” Stella supplied helpfully, false sorrow in her voice as she waited for the king to recoil in disgust-

“That’s pretty cool. I hope things work out for you.”

He felt his beak fall open and he wasn't the only one, every Goetia in the Convocation was staring at either him or the King in open shock. He actually rose up and tried to look proud. “You mean that?”

“Of course! Love is love, so I'm happy you found it with someone” The king looked thoughtful and then rushed to the center of the hall, pounding his chest with a fist. “Also, it is my duty as the King to inform you all that I hereby give my full and explicit approval to the union of Asmodeus and Fizzarolli the Imp.”

A portal opened up behind him and the king actually smirked as he fell backwards into it. “Byeee!”

The portal closed… and chaos fell almost immediately.

“It’s the end times! The sinners were right, Armageddon is real!”

“My servants! They’ll get ideas now!”

“You mean to tell me I went through all the trouble of hiding my relations with an imp for f*cking nothing!?”

“Society is breaking down, Imps will rule us all soon!”

The bird-like demons of the Ars Goetia fell into panic and discord as they all but rioted, magic going haywire as the blue-blooded nobles reacted to a lowborn demon rising the ranks like any noble would: wild pandaemonium. The imp clerks, normally willing to clean up after their masters, were too busy celebrating Fizzarolli’s success in bagging one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

“Order! I say, I say Order!” Gremory called, her crimson feathers puffing up in annoyance and rage as she all but flew hexes at everyone present. “Sit the hell down, all of you!”

He focused on none of this, his gaze solely on his shell shocked ex-wife who even now looked like she was having trouble comprehending what she just heard. He preened, his every movement a prideful strut as he leaned over and planted both hands on the side of her desk as he leaned in.

“I’d like to renegotiate how much Alimony you get… and how much time I get to spend with ‘Via going forward.”

Stella shook herself out of her shock and glared hatefully at him. “Like I'm going to let you spend a moment with my daughter, you limp-dicked piece of sh*t!”

“She’s my daughter too, and since the king just blew away your entire basis for keeping her from me…” He took sad*stic pleasure in watching the woman who had abused him for decades falter, and even more pleasure from the fact that he would be able to spend time with his little owlet again. “I’m thinking, based on the fact that the king just approved of my relationship… half and half?”

“90/10 and you can choke on a dick!” Stella shrieked as she rose up and pressed her face right into his. Normally he would have backed down but he was riding high on pure adrenaline and for the first time since his affair had begun he saw a future for both Blitz and Octavia in his life.

“Half and half and if you refuse I'll go for Full Custody. You can have her every other week just like I will or never again.” He glared at her. “You abused me, berated me, and treated me like garbage our entire marriage and the only reason I am willing to let you have her at all is because you never raised a hand to her… only me.”

“The trial is basically over.” She hissed, her voice like honey coated poison. “I’m close to winning already-”

“Except you were more obsessed with hurting me than winning.” His True Form began to leak out, his feathers going dark and his eyes glowing red. “Except now you have nothing to wield against me, so I will have my daughter back in my life and there's not a single damned thing you can do to me now.”

“If you think this changes anything-”

“It changes everything!”

“f*ck you, Stolas!”

“Drop dead, Stella!”

As the custody battle reignited once again, Andrealphus sighed and wondered if he should disappear to the human realm and die like Malphas did.

**********

Gravesfield was such a contrast from Hell that Lucifer never wanted to leave.

He hated his kingdom and he hated his Ring, but he was sort of bound to them by the right of screwing up more than anyone else in all existence. It was his penance to rule Hell, even if ruling it was awkward and uncomfortable knowing what Hell was… or had been, before everything.

And yet as he got out of the portal behind a couple of trees, hidden from view from any pesky humans, he found that it was so pleasant here: the greenery looked pretty and smelled nice, the flowers weren’t fanged mouths hungry to feed on flesh and blood, and the trees didn't wail endlessly in pain and agony.

He would stay here forever if he could.

The park had been picked out by Camila: It was a simple one near the edge of town that was shaped in a simple square. A nice path ran around it with trees on each corner and benches were evenly spaced for easy access.

As he looked across the street from the copse of trees he was in, he found that it was nice.

He skipped, actually skipped, his way across the empty street and carefully began to lay out a blanket. He’d had it made special: blood red velvet thread with a black pentagram carved into it, the royal symbol of the Morningstar Dynasty bare for all the world to see.

He’d made sure it was free of any runes or sigils like the official seal would have, leaving a simple blanket with a simple black pentagram and nothing more.

He sat down on the blanket and waited for her to arrive. His picnic basket, laden with human-safe foods that they could both eat, sat next to him and he began taking out grilled cheeses and some grapes. He then sighed and brought out the apple tart.

Apples were about the only human food he could work with, one last sick joke by the universe to make it so the one food that he hated more than anything else in existence was both the only thing he could work with and feed Camila.

He arranged his food on little plates and began the waiting game.

The park was full of people, different groups out and about for the day as they enjoyed the spring air. An elderly couple sat together and fed some non-ducks with bits of bird seed while a group of teens walked around the path just talking. Non-ducks flocked into a tree and began trilling out bird song while across the street a church began tolling its bell.

He carefully ignored the Church and its bell, it wouldn't due to be annoyed about Father’s newest specialist boy.

Before he could fall into a depressive spiral of thinking about Father, a maroon car began to park next to the park itself and a familiar woman got out, to which he perked up while his heart began to speed up. He smiled goofily and began to wave to which Camila, a bottle of wine in her hands, smiled and waved back. She was clad in a simple white blouse and some jeans but she also looked extremely pretty.

Then again, she was pretty everytime he had seen her so it tracked.

“I have to admit,” She said once she arrived and sat down on the blanket with only an odd glance thrown at it. “I’m glad you showed up after what happened last time.”

“What, that weirdo? Like he could make me lose interest.” He attempted to be suave and was rewarded with a blush and a smile. ‘Thank you Ozzie.’ he thought, mentally telling himself to give Ozzie a rubber duck in thanks for giving him tips for compliments that weren’t weird and cringey.

“Ay dios- you absolute rapscallion!”

He grinned and leaned back against the blanket. “Took me a bit to get everything ready but I got us some nice food to have.”

“Oh, some fresh grapes! They look lovely and- is that a tart?”

He may have hated apples and the fact they were in there, but he wouldn't say no to some light boasting. “It is indeed, baked it myself for this occasion.”

It was thick and crunchy, tanned on top and with a weave patterned baked into the crust as the spiced apples within were still moist and delicious… hopefully. If they weren't he was out of options. He hadn't made a tart in years, not since Charlie was a small child and he and Lilith were still happy.

He hoped he wasn't rusty.

She smiled at him. “It looks delicious, you did a good job.”

“Thanks, I haven't baked in a while but thought this would be a good opportunity.”

“You really didn't have to go all out though.”

He looked her in the eyes. “I think you deserve all my effort, though.”

Aha, there was the adorable ear tuck he had been looking for! She giggled to herself and uncorked the wine bottle as she fished two simple glasses out of her purse. He smirked at her and she responded by flicking some wine at his face.

“I haven’t been to this park in what feels like ages.” She said as she poured. “Usually people go to the main square but… well, I don't like the statues there so I've been avoiding them.”

“What’re the statues of? Some eye-searing art piece by a hack?” Oh, Hell was full of those and every last artist who made them was some rich prick who spent his time on earth bullying others. He didn't miss the Renaissance but he did miss the artists: they might have been assholes as well but they at least tended to make him some muscle-bound adonis who tempted people to the dark side with his stunning good looks.

He was the Sin of Pride, sue him.

Cam rolled her eyes before she explained. “Just some old witch hunter and his brother. The witch hunter seems like a real asshole so I avoid the area, especially since Lu- I mean, some random person I don't know keeps defacing the statue with he-their friends.”

He stared, she offered a shaky smile.

“Well, I'd rather not have a picnic underneath a witch hunter if it's all the same to you.” He got out one of his grilled cheeses and offered it to her. “I’m trying to keep this low key and simple after the café.”

“No one can crash through a window if there are no windows, true. Although we're in a public park so it also means no kisses for you.” She said with a sly smile and he responded by pouting at her, causing her to laugh.

“Here’s to a lovely picnic.” She said, raising her glass.

“To a lovely picnic indeed.” together they toasted their glasses and began to dig in.

Chapter 15: This sure is a lovely picnic

Chapter Text

The Saint James Catholic Church of Gravesfield was a simple stone building: a basic tower with a bell rose up over the chapel and a gazebo stood out front in a nice and simple patch of garden that stretched all the way down to the Saint Mary’s Episcopal Church.

Father Lucas, overseer of Saint James, was a middle aged man who was unfortunately going quite bald quite fast. A small nose held up by big eyes was hidden behind thick black glasses as the black-robed man made his way through the church to his private Office.

Morning Mass had gone off without a hitch, with many people turning out to hear the Good Word. Granted, Gravesfield was to Connecticut what Salem was to Massachusetts, but that did not mean the town was in the devil's hands! Since the Civil War Gravesfield had been a bastion of God, churches popping up left and right as the people looked for divine salvation in the wake of earthly suffering.

When Lucas had moved to Gravesfield he had taken to his task with gusto: This was a town with a long history of weirdness and it would fall to him to try and do his job well enough to try and stem that weirdness even slightly.

He had been counseled against taking the position, his colleagues back in Bridgeport warning him about some nonsense about the town supposedly being ‘cursed.’

Cursed? Hah.

Oh, for sure, the town had some bad apples in it like the devil child Luz. An unfortunate girl, very unfortunate. He had tried to teach her during Sunday School but she was so obsessed with her witchcraft and devilry, often interrupting his class to rave about witches and demons, that he had quietly but firmly asked the mother never to bring her back.

And then there was Hopkins. Lucas shook his head at the thought of that unfortunate man, the town was shocked that he had given into his delusions and tried to attack someone but most sort of thought that it was only a matter of time. People like that didn't stay in their lane very long, after all.

The rumors of a few years ago, how he had been investigated by the cops for illegal surveillance of people around town with intent to kidnap and actually got locked away in his own trap by… someone, well those rumors never quite died down.

Personally, though he would never admit such out loud, he was quietly happy the annoying and insufferable man was going to jail. He had sought confession from a neighboring priest for thinking such but to be fair, most people in town hated the man.

So Gravesfield had a few bad apples, that didn't make the town cursed like so many claimed. Personally he blamed the young person running the museum now: they were big into occult nonsense and devil worship. He had tried to petition the Town Council to shut down that accursed Hayride through Old Gravesfield but never had enough signatures.

The youth of today were incredibly doomed.

Father Lucas sat himself down into his good chair, a plush and soft thing that one could almost sink into, and despaired at the state of the world.

He didn't understand the youth and the more he saw the less he wanted to. The devil walked among the people of today and he was whispering into plenty of ears. And it was unfortunate how many were willing to listen.

He wondered what poor soul was listening to the devil even now… and what evil acts they were planning to commit together.

**********

“Oh! Look, Cam: that one looks like a dog!”

“Oh, it does.”

Across the street from the Saint James Catholic Church of Gravesfield, Camila and Lucius were laying back on a lovely blanket and engaging in some cloud watching. The sun was bright and cheerful, the clouds were big and fluffy, and the air was neither too hot nor too cold.

All in all, it was a lovely day for a picnic

Lucius, she had found out, could make a very mean apple tart. It was somehow both crunchy and fluffy at the same time and the apples inside oozed with deliciousness. She had gone back for seconds, sue her: it was a nice tart and she was on a date.

They had finished their meals when Lucius had pointed out how one of the clouds looked like a duck. Personally, she still thought it looked like a swan but that had started her pointing out other clouds and now they just lay together and looked at the sky.

It was a lovely day indeed.

She remembered cloud watching with Manny, many years ago. It was something they often did when they got bored and just wanted to enjoy life. Once, those memories would have brought out a sharp sting of pain but now? Now she was making new memories.

Right now, she was happy as could be.

Her head was resting against his shoulder and together they sat on the odd red blanket that looked like something bought from an occult store. It was a nice blanket, though: Very nice and fluffy. She probably shoudl have felt bad about laying on something clearly occult in nature literally within yards of a church but she was having too much fun with her date to care.

“How did you get into Cosmic Frontier?” Lucius asked her suddenly and she blinked.

“What brought that on?”

“Just… just something I've been thinking of lately. My daughter- ah, well i brought her a box of her old books for her hotel and the Cosmic Frontier series was in there so I've had it on my mind recently.” He explained.

“My parents got me into it.” She said simply, thinking about her old mama and papa. There were good times to be had with them, many good times… didn't make up for how it ended but it was what it was.

He looked at her and said nothing, just staring without judgment. She was grateful for that, she truly was.

“My father…” She blinked as a cloud that looked like two hockey players colliding into one another passed them by overhead. “He would read me the stories before bedtime, a whole chapter a night. It’s actually how I learned to read if you believe it.”

“Really?”

“Mhmm.” She nodded. “I devoured the books like a drug, they were so fascinating to me. I always wanted to go out onto another world… to meet new species and civilizations.”

In a way, she had. The Boiling Isles counted as another world, and Witch and Demonkind counted as new species. It was amazing that her daughter was living the dream she had had as a kid herself. God above, she would always be proud of her Luz.

“That's amazing, Cam.” He shifted around a bit. “You… don't mind if I call you Cam, do you?”

She shook her head with a smile. “A few people call me that, actually. Though I need something for you if we’re breaking out pet names already.”

She pretended to think about it for a moment before smiling. “How about… Lucy?”

He looked at her and began to chuckle to himself, mirth in his eyes. “That's actually what my friends call me, yeah.” He looked at her warmly. “Like I told someone a week and a half ago: The best people call me Lucy.”

What was it with this charming man and his silver tongue? She giggled to herself and the mother of three pushed on his arm in mock annoyance. “You must have a lot of friends if you’re this smooth, huh?”

Silence met her. It went on longer than she expected and she turned to look at him. He had an almost pained look on his face as he just stared at the clouds, drawing his knees up slightly.

“I wasn’t… the best at making friends. Never have been.” Lucius admitted, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “Oh I had Oz and the gang but other than them I've always had trouble making connections. Like, the last time I tried it was with a… family friend of mine I suppose…”

**********

Thousands of years ago, through the deserts of Judea, a man walked through the dunes and endless plains.

He was deeply bronze skinned and dark haired, a simple shawl over his thick black locks and threadbare robes over the rest of him. His body was slightly emaciated as he kept walking: for forty days and forty nights he had fasted and kept to his faith and faith alone.

His name was Yeshua of Nazareth, son of Him On High. And one day he would be known as the King of Kings.

He was starving, he was dehydrated, and he was physically weak as he kept to his fasting and his walk… but his spirit? That was as indomitable as the mountains.

Yeshua would have been fine with this, would have been fine with his vigil and his place in the universe had it not been for the limpet currently clinging to his legs as he dragged them along.

“Please!” The black robed and extremely pale figure begged, clinging to Yeshua’s legs as he was pulled through the sands. “Just have one adventure with me!”

“Leave me alone, Lucifer.”

“Look, you'redoing this for dad and I get that! But i need more friends in my life and Mammon gave me some advice about how to influence people-”

“I said leave me alone, Lucifer.”

“Friends like gifts! I could get you some gold- Oh, or we could go down to Rome and paint the town red! Have you ever seen Rome? Oh, they have the best little bakery this side of the world-”

Ah, bread again. Lucifer was not original in his tricks. “I told you before: you won't tempt me with your devil bread.”

“You’re literally starving right now!”

“It’s necessary.” And it was, he had always known he was different but after the baptism, and the voice of God coming down to proclaim him the Son, he sort of figured out that things would only get weirder from there.

But that was fine, he was a patient man. And if he could save even one person he would be happy with things.

Lucifer clearly disagreed. “What, because Father said so? I could make you a f*cking King over the Mediterranean bro, what can he do?”

“Not cause the eternal damnation of my soul, for one.”

Lucifer paused, considered his options, and then clung harder to his legs and cried.

“I’m so lonely right now!”

Yeshua sighed.

“Lilith is off on a music tour and everyone else in the gang is too busy! I just want a friend!”

Yeshua sighed harder.

“All i have are ducks! It’s becoming unhealthy! Please hang out with me and get a drink with me, please please please please-'' Okay, this had gone so far beyond pathetic it was now annoying.

“Lucifer, get thee behind me and leave me alone!”

Finally, thankfully, he was able to shake the limpet off and move on, leaving the devil crying awkwardly in the sands as he slowly rolled down a dune. He felt bad and part of him yearned to go down and see if the Deceiver was alright, but then he remembered that he was literally the Devil and would probably be fine.

Finally, peace and quiet-

Trumpets played out, a beam of light shining down as three angels descended from on high. They were clad in their true and angelic forms… which for some reason looked like birds.

“We meet again, Yeshua. Though you do not remember it.” The tallest of them, a regal and gray skinned woman with thick pale ringlets of hair coming down to her mid back and eyes all over her avian form. She was taller than any man he had ever seen, possibly even taller than Goliath had been in the stories his father had read him from scripture. “I am Sera, Head Seraphim by the will of Him On High.”

“I am Uriel, Seraphim of the Northern Waters by the will of Him On High.” a colossal blue bird like creature stood in pristine white robes, a dozen eyes along the bottom that seemed to stare deep into his soul. Shining light bled out from all around their bird-like head and two wings spread out from the back of their headcrest and covered their eyes.

“And I'm Michael, Archangel over Judea by the will of Him On High and Virtue of Humility.” Next to her was- That was Lucifer. That was just Lucifer with blue cheek marks instead of red ones. He was clad in bright white and gold robes and he was… rather short. “You have done well to resist the temptations of the Fallen One. He is cunning and clever.”

Cunning and clever? That guy? Yeshua blinked and looked confused. “Was… was it supposed to be hard?”

The three of them laughed and slowly began to lay out a bountiful feast summoned out of thin air. After forty days of fasting he would admit to being a bit peckish. “For anyone else it would have but for the Son? We are proud of you.” Sera beamed down at him, her beak smiling as she summoned a massive pitcher of crystal clear water.

“You resisted the Devil himself, not many can claim such.”

“I mean,” he looked around awkwardly. “All I really did was drag him around for a few days while he tried to bribe me into being his friend.”

The angels all began to laugh like he had told a funny joke and now he just felt a bit awkward… and also like he was going to probably tell people the temptation had been an actual temptation rather than whatever the heck that was back there.

**********

“I… came off as needy and desperate and he might have taken it the wrong way. He certainly held it against me if the things his friends said about me are anything to go by.” He coughed into a fist and looked extremely uncomfortable.

“Let's just say I'm not good at connecting with people and leave it at that.” Lucius awkwardly tugged at his collar. “Like, I know I can come off as a bit… much. And that turns people off slightly.”

He laughed bitterly to himself for a moment before turning to her. “You’ve probably never gone through something like that.”

“Look out guys, it's Crazy Cami!”

“Urgh, she’s always reading those dumb nerd books of hers.”

“You think you’re sooo much better than us, huh four-eyes?”

“Whoops, were those your glasses, Crazy Cami? Sorry for stepping on them- oh no, I stepped on them again! And again! And again…”

She swallowed, her mouth dry as the memories rushed back all at once. She had swore she put those days behind her but… maybe she never would.

“Growing up… the world wasn't very nice to me.” She finally admitted to the third soul in her entire life who would understand. “I wasn't… the most popular. I didn't really have much of anything related to a social life until… until Manny.”

She smiled. “He was one of my first friends… my first everything, really.”

Lucius stared deep into her soul and she felt… she felt awkward and weird around him. “I'm truly sorry.” He said simply.

“It was many years ago, now.” She waved away the apology, her expression calm. “I’m, well, I’m okay.”

“Camila, you are one of the most fascinating women I've ever met.” He said and she began to blush again as he grabbed ahold of her hands and gently held them. “You would… you would do well in my hometown, i think. They would all like you there.”

“You think so, huh?”

“Michael and Gabriel, my siblings, they would have been lucky to know you.” He looked serious as the words tumbled out one after another. “I truly wish we knew each other growing up, I would have been your friend in a heartbeat.”

“And I like to think I would have been yours.”

They smiled at one another, warmth in their gazes as they held hands. It was nice, being understood.

He leaned back against the blanket and just stared at her. “It sucks though, not being able to connect with people.”

He got it, he truly got it. “Literally nobody got my interests except my parents. Do you know how much I had to explain to people that no, it wasn't an army officer I was dressed up as but a Stellar Union Exploration Captain for Halloween?”

“Oh don't get me started on outfits!” He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “Oh, first it starts off as: Oh, you should dress more like us if you want to fit in. But then they ask why you're dressed so weirdly and it's like: because you told me to!?”

She rolled her eyes. “I remember me and Manny got invited to a party once. Simple Halloween one, no biggie. Except the girl who invited us only told me that it was a costume party so she could laugh.”

“Sounds like a bitch.” He winced and looked apologetically to her.

She laughed. “No, she was a bitch. I would have blown up at her had Manny not broken away from his friends and did a rush job to look like Dr. Borg.”

“Ha, I always thought Dr. Borg looked cool.”

“He is cool.” She nodded. “A horrifying villain, but cool. We pretty much ditched the party and I think his friends lambasted her for pulling a stupid stunt like that.”

“Oh, I remember the first time the Archivists and I brought up a design idea to Father and his team. We were so excited about building something cool but we got told it was ‘too out there.’ so the plan was scrapped.”

He was building up steam, his words bitter with memory. “It was always like that: Oh, you're too out there! Your head is stuck in the clouds! You need to face facts and get with the program! It was apparently my fault I had big dreams about how everything was put together and nobody wanted to listen.”

“Urgh, your dad sounds kind of like a jerk.”

Lucius laughed awkwardly while the church bells around town began to ring out. “I wouldnt go that far-”

She shrugged, but kept thinking it. He sounded like he would get along with her parents. And the less she thought about them the better.

“Manny was a bit of a dreamer too, you know?” She smiled as she got lost in her own memories of her late husband. “He always wanted to do amazing things and live life tot he fullest. I love him so much.”

“Nice to know you had someone in your corner.” Lucius looked contemplative. “I… i had my father in there once but-”

A scream from a thousand mouths echoed out as the body kept falling into the abyss down below. Flesh grew out at a rapid pace as the thing that was once the third woman turned into horror beyond belief. Cracks spread through her body, red light spilling out as her body was transformed into something new.

Something horrible.

“That wasn't supposed to happen.” Lilith said, shock in her voice. She’s staring utterly transfixed by the falling giant that was once her replacement “It wasn't… she wasn't supposed to become- that.”

LUCIFER

He and Lilith looked up at the light far above, blinded by its radiance. He shivered, for the first time since his creation there was something besides love and patience in Father’s voice.

Pure and utter Horror.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, LUCIFER?

“I might have screwed up royally and gotten kicked out of the house.” He said, his voice odd and tight as he looked away from her.

She rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned against him. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“... yeah, me too.”

There they sat in silence as they just enjoyed the breeze flowing across them and flowering trees all around.

“Tell me something amazing about you.” She turns him slightly so she can look at him. She wants to try and get his mind off of things and this would be the best way to do so in her mind. “Something that you're passionate and interested in.”

He smiles at her, grateful for the distraction from whatever is going on in his mind. “I play the Fiddle.”

She blinked before a happy smile comes across her face. “Really?”

“Yep.” He's growing more energetic now, turning to face her fully as he rambles happily. “I took it up out of boredom one day and I never put it back down. Amazing instrument, utterly amazing!” He coughs slightly, an embarrassed smile on his face. “I… might have actually thought about bringing it today to serenade you?”

She laughs, her cheeks pink at the thought. “I’m- I'm truly flattered. I’ve never had anyone serenade me before.”

He looks cross at this. “Well, that's just a crime. You deserve serenading.” He reaches into one of his pockets before pausing, glancing at her, and then awkwardly taking his hand out and patting the pocket.

She’s too busy giggling and twirling her hair like she was a teenager again. “I would… I would love to hear you play for me one day.”

He then, to her amazement, plops his head down on her lap and stares up at her with big green eyes she's feeling herself get lost in. “I guess i could play on our next date… speaking of-”

“Yes.” She rolls her eyes with a chuckle. “Yes, we’re getting another date. I'm starting to like you.”

“Enough to call me a boyfriend?”

She pauses at that.

That is… it makes I all real, if she were being honest. Lucius was nice, he was charming, and he understood her like only Manny had before. She was falling for him if she continued being honest.

She hadn't had anyone in her life since him, and now she did. It was such an odd and confusing thing for her but she did know that she was feeling younger and desired like she hadn't been in years.

“Yes.” She breathed, staring at him. “Enough to call you my boyfriend.”

He closed his eyes and seemed to preen slightly, almost like a cat or a bird.

He leaned up and seemed to prepare himself to say something-

She cut him off. She leaned forward, placed a hand against his cheek, and placed her lips against his in a kiss.

His eyes widened slightly before closing, an arm reaching around to rest against her back as they fell to the blanket together. And there the two would continue making out for quite awhile.

One could say that the date went off without a hitch.

**********

The Gravesfield Bus Depot was only a mile out of the town proper, along the Interstate. Short and squat, it was as long as it needed to be.

The bus from Hartford to Gravesfield finally began to drive off, leaving behind the very few passengers who both wanted to travel between the towns and also didnt have access to a personal vehicle of their own.

Here, however, behind the building and inside the massive dumpster, three figures began to rifle through the garbage.

“Cletus, make sure that those old crackers don't get smushed.”

“I’ll be fine Collin, just make sure that sandwich stays above the trash line.”

“Ooh, ooh! I got some old cookies!”

Three slightly glowing shorties were rifling through the garbage like racoons as they hunted for anything and everything they could possibly eat. They were Cherubs, the servants of Heaven by the will of Him On High.

Or, at least, they used to be Cherubs. Now it was a little… unclear what they were.

Cletus, the toddler like Cherub, was ginger haired and of glowing pale skin. A simple yellow shirt underneath red overalls was all the Heavenborn angel needed alongside his wings and halo. Currently, his clothing was ragged and dirty from a year spent traveling from place to place like a hobo.

Collin, the purplish sheep Cherub, was soft and fluffy as was his need: he was once the cherished therapy animal for many Winners before he felt his services were needed elsewhere. Though he had spent many nights berating himself for leaving that after everything. The purple sheep Cherub was clad in a simple turquoise shirt and button pants as he flew in and out of the garbage like a dolphin.

Keenie, the yellowish sheep Cherub, was the last of the trio and currently was holding a discarded sleeve of Oreos like she had won a medal. Considering the ragged state of her yellow dress and how dirty she and the rest of them were it might as well have been one.

“Alright gang.” Cletus said, gathering his squad together as the put down their food for the next week. “We have acquired: One sleeve of Oreos, one half eaten sandwich, and one sleeve of slightly broken crackers.”

They stared at their food for the foreseeable future and began to cry.

“We’re going to starve!”

“I never should have left the therapy program!”

“This is all those Imps fault!”

The three of them hissed angrily, remembering that horrible night. They spent all their time trying to convince one old man not to kill himself and their reward was that he died by their technical hands and Heaven blamed them for it, so now they were fallen ones.

Except not really.

If they were true fallen ones, they would have ended up in Hell alongside the Morningstar but instead they were simply confined to Earth were they were stuck for… however long Heaven was going to keep being mad.

Now they had but one task: Find something to convince Heaven to let them back in and never set foot on the Earth ever again.

Cletus, getting his sobbing under control, finally offered a shaky smile to his compatriots. “Alright gang, this might be… incredibly bleak but we’re still kicking so that's something!”

“How long will that continue?” Keenie said bitterly, eating an Oreo slowly and angrily.

“As long as we have each other we’re going to be okay!”

“How?” Collin asked and Cletus faltered.

That was the question, wasn't it? What would get Heaven’s attention long enough to let them back in?

It had to be big, it had to be juicy, and it hopefully would have something to do with those wretched Imps who ruined everything.

Cletus looked up at the big friendly sign, a massive welcome sign that held a picture of two brothers on one side and a witch on the other while in between were the simple words: Welcome To Gravesfield!

“I have a good feeling about this town. We’ll find what we’re looking for here for sure!” Cletus said happily, before he descended on the half eaten sandwich like a piranha.

Chapter 16: Of Greed and Pets

Chapter Text

Unlike the rest of Hell, Greed had many rules.

You needed rules to break them, after all.

The smoggy, industrial pit of despair and hopelessness was, without fail, the single worst place to be in all of Hell. Thick black smog was pumped out of forests of factory chimneys to make a morass of black clouds that mixed with the ambient energy of Hell itself to make for a display of oily sky that shined like gasoline on water.

There were many districts in Greed: Mafia town, Cartel City, the Banking Borough… all of them separated by thick, heavily polluted rivers and canals that lead out from the many oceans and lakes that sent water throughout the seven rings themselves. Vast dams and water purifiers were built in Lust, the ring below Greed, to ensure the vast array of snitches, refuse, pollution, trash, and industrial waste did not contaminate the Ring below.

Greed was a horrid place to be in, worse still to live in.

Mammon, the Sin of Greed and jester of Hell, had constructed his Ring to be a massive stage performance of cops and robbers: It was a massive play that had an audience of one. Enforcers of Mammon’s will walked the streets to ensure that no crime was being committed without Mammon’s say so, while criminals did their sinful deeds while keeping an eye out for anyone not giving Mammon a cut of the profits.

Banks rose and fell, sending their money to the coffers of Mammon, vast corporations warred bothy secretly and openly, while criminal organizations of every type and flavor did every type of vice. All of it by design. Everyone in Greed gave Mammon a cut of whatever pie they were baking, and he gave out a pittance in return to the many residents of Greed who in turn used it to fuel their endless desire for profit… which in turn sent money back into the Sin of Greed’s coffers. It was a cycle without end.

At the dead center of the Ring was a colossal spider’s head shaped colosseum. It was a massive and gaudy thing capable of holding tens of thousands in attendance while the Spider himself watched carefully from his web above the crowd. The Cirque Du Capital was as terrifying as it was beautiful and It was here that the jester of Hell made his home, and it was here that the vast wealth of Hell was gathered.

When the Sin of Greed was not holding pageants and performances he was deep within the halls of the Cirque Du Capital to count his vast wealth, plan his next performance, or devise some new money-making scheme to give out to the greedy and the desperate of his realm. It was here that he planned the downfall of corporate empires, the staging of grand schemes for wealths sake, and which gang war or cartel battle to allow or disallow for none were allowed to battle and potentially damage that which was Mammon’s without his direct say so.

It was a realm ruled like a Gangland empire, taxed like nothing above or below, and where the hundreds of thousands who called it home were there either by choice or by lack of choice.

One shudders to imagine what horrors of finance and business were being planned out within the halls of the Cirque. What grand schemes of money lust were being invented that would reshape the face of Greed?

**********

“-king news out of Lust as resident pop sensation Verosika was seen having dinner with an Imp!” A group of glamorous succubi and incubi were arranged in a half circle on a glitzy couch before a live studio audience, the succubus who talked sounded shocked and a little disgusted as she read the report while behind her an image of Verosika Mayday was holding hands with an Imp Woman with curling horns and a crossed out brand on her forehead. The interlocked hands were blurred out. “The two women were seen… Asmodeus forgive me, they were seen holding hands and giggling like chaste maidens! I think there’s even an image of… of Verosika- no, i can’t say it!”

The succubus shivered and hugged herself while the incubus next to her looked like a shell-shocked veteran of war. “We wont show the image, as it’s very… romantic in nature and we care about our viewers too much. However: There exists ungraphic images of Verosika being spoon fed cake by an imp while they both blush at one another.”

The hellborn of Lust gasped out, horrified at the thought. One incubus passed out in a stupor and was carted out by medics.

The talk show of Hell was one of many, and yet since the King's nuclear announcement at the Royal Convocation all of Lust had been obsessed with watching all the new relationships that either formed or finally came out of hiding.

Verosika being in a relationship with an Imp was exciting and a show of how Lust overcomes any obstacle… until, of course, it was revealed she might have been in Love.

“We have sent many news Hellhounds to try and find out any information at all about the mysterious… is it Barb or Barbie? Either way, Barb or whatever was seen entering a café alongside Verosika so we sent our lovely camera demons to bring you the scoop.” One of the Incubi on the couch asked as the screen behind them showed a shaky image of Vortex, head of Verosika’s bodyguard detail, viciously and brutally beating a bunch of paparazzi to near death. “We were… unsuccessful.”

Silence descended before one of the hosts turned to the camera and put on a megawatt smile. “Speaking of… Our Show: Lust In The Morning, needs a new set of camera demons so if you want to apply-”

“You seeing this sh*t, Crim?”

Deep within the halls of the Cirque Du Capital was a room filled with money of every type. Gold coins formed vast pyramids while mountains of dollars rose high into the vaulted ceiling above. On a throne made from gold bars, Mammon reclined and glared hatefully at the massive diamond-encrusted television before him. The four-armed jester scratched at his pale white face and snarled as he threw a wad of hundreds at the screen.

“I don't know what Lucy was thinking: Now everyone thinks Imps are worth something!” He threw his hands up in the air and stared at the Imp next to the television. “You believe that sh*t, Crim?”

Crimson Colorionis, head of Mafia Town and the undisputed kingpin of the Greed Crime Syndicate, twitched one of his eyes as the Imp stood with his hands behind his back. The right hand of Mammon himself just grit his teeth and bore it. “I wouldn't know anything about that, boss.”

“I mean, now Fizzi thinks he’s hot sh*t! He sent me- do you know what he sent me?” Mammon turned to Crimson and held out a simple and dainty looking letter with the words ‘Eat sh*t! Love, Fizzi and Ozzie.’ above a bunch of hearts. “Look at what he sent me, Crim!”

“Looks like he’s disrespecting you, boss.” Crimson said carefully, only half listening. As the right hand of Mammon he was basically the emotional dart-board for the spider as he vented and raved about whatever pissed him off that day.

For the last few days, however, he’d been dragged in to listen to Mammon rant about uppity imps and how they were destroying society. Crimson, as an Imp himself, was only slightly offended.

“Like… take a look at this sh*t!” Mammon flipped the channel.

~click~

“- to announce that Phenex of the Ars Goetia has officially declared he is actually seeing his Butler!” The ram headed demon announced idly scratched at his beard as an image of the Phoenix like Goetia was strolling down the promenade of Envy with an imp in a high-waisted tux and top hat.

The ram demon frowned as he looked down at his papers. “I guess… you know what? Screw it, so am I! I’m in love with an Imp and I wont hide it anymore! Gregory, if you’re watching this, I'm so sorry for pushing you away. It was wrong of me and I want to try again out in the ope-”

“You see this sh*t, Crim?” Mammon asked as he turned once more to the only Imp in the room. Behind Crimson, the two Aquatic hellborn looked extremely uncomfortable as they awkwardly shuffled in place and tugged at their collars.

“Yes boss… yes, I see it.” Crimson growled out.

“Next thing you know, they’ll be pushing for rights for Hellhounds.” Mammon snarked as he flipped the channel once more.

~click~

"-proud to announce the start of this campaign!” Beelzebub, the Party Queen of Gluttony, said as she stood before a massive crowd of Hellhounds. “Imps are finally getting their time in the spotlight and that's great, but we shouldn't forget that Hellhounds are demons too!”

The four armed vulpine Sin looked serious as she pulled a massive, well-built hellhound towards her. “I am honored to announce the president of the newly formed Hellhound Rights Society and the king of my heart, my boyfriend of several years: Vortex!”

Beelzebub looked happy as she clapped furiously, the hundreds of hellhounds behind her howling in appreciation as a bashful Vortex took the microphone and looked out at the sea of reporters.

“Thank you all, I want to take a moment to talk about what Hellhound Rights would mean-”

A remote crashed into the Television and knocked it back onto the gold-plated ground. The screen shattered into thousands of pieces and the television broke in half as it fizzled and sparked on the ground. A side door opened and a team of Fizzibots in maid and butler outfits came out and carted the television away.

Mammon pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Do you know what this will mean, Crim?”

“No, Boss.”

“Less money for me! I'll have to put out protective rights for imps and sh*t! And now Hellhounds? This will cut into my bottom line, Crim!”

“Of course, boss.”

Mammon glared at the Imp who didn't even look bothered by it. Crimson was always too big for his britches and usually he would enjoy throwing him at pesky problems like cartels and gangs cutting into his tithes or Businesses and Banks not paying protection money.

Right now it was just pissing him off, however.

“Why are you even here, Crim?”

An ugly look passed the imps face. “I want to take a leave of absence for a bit to… tie up a loose end or three up in Pride.” He looked murderous as he clenched a fist tight. “I’ve been humiliated too many times and I plan to rectify that.”

Mammon blinked, looked at the imp, and then just co*cked his head. “You’re not thinking of going after your sh*tty son again, are you?”

Crimson was annoyingly silent.

Of course. Of course it was about Mixxie, or Moxxo, or whatever Crimson’s son was named. Honestly, Mammon didn't give enough of a sh*t about him to remember. Crimson had been so annoying about everything, always going on about his family troubles week after week. If you asked Crimson, his son was both the worst demon alive and a bane on his soul while also being a menace to Hellish society and a sign of the degradation of Hell itself at the same time.

Now, personally, he didn't care about Mixxo or whatever except that one day he would take over the family business and run the Crime Syndicate for him. He'd taken several reports about his progress from Crimson over the years until finally he got tired of hearing the Imp bitch about how worthless and pathetic Moxxer was and just cut off the reports.

There would be time to teach the boy properly once Crimson croaked, after all. He'd done a good job with Fizzi, raising and molding him into a superstar before Ozzie came in and ruined everything (Note to self, do not introduce the boy to another Sin, they ruined everything) so he could do the same with… with…

Moxxie, that was it.

Now personally, Mammon wanted for his businesses to be run tight. Crimson going after his stupid son in a blood vendetta would be detrimental to everything and after Ozzie stole Fizzi away, he didn't want to take any chances on another slice of the Greed pie falling out. And Crimson killing Moxxie when he didn't have any other kids because he and his wife had hated one another (which was a real shame, she had been a pretty little thing. Real shame what happened to her, real shame indeed.) Would lead to no one being In charge of the Criminal World upon Crimsons passing.

And that wouldn't do at all.

Mammon opened his mouth to tell off his subordinate and deny his request before the door opened and a butler imp looked in. “Sir, you have a visitor.”

“I told you: no visit-”

Before he could gather up enough money to throw at the butler, or even tell him off for failing his one task, the door opened fully and in stepped Lucifer Morningstar.

The King of Hell was in his full white suit and black knee-high boots as he stepped carefully around piles of money on the floor. His top hat/crown was shined to a fault as it caught the light and caused Mammon to squint his eyes. His cane tapped down hard against the hard floor as the King strode up before the golden throne.

“Hello, Mammon.”

Mammon sighed, this was going to take awhile. “Hello, Lucy.” He waved away Crimson and his mafiosos as he gave his full attention to the King. “Crim, get lost.”

“So can I-?”

“You can harass his friends all you like but the boy stays alive, Crim.” Crimson looked absolutely vicious as he and his goons left the Vault. He made a mental note to send a few thugs to look out for things and make sure Crimson didn't go overboard, since he absolutely knew the Imp would go and do that if left alone, and reclined on his massive pile of money like a dragon as he looked down at the King.

“What brings you here, Lucy?”

Lucifer tapped his cane and a chair made of black wood rose out of the floor, the Morningstar emblem emblazoned on the top of the seat. “A friend can't check in on another friend without needing something?” The king smiled awkwardly as he looked at Mammon.

Mammon crossed his arms and frowned. “You told me, and I'm quoting you word for word here, ‘Until that sellout hack shuts down his shameless ripoff he’s dead to me.’”

Now Lucifer frowned. “Loo Loo Land is a joke, Mammon. It’s an insult to the very theme park I myself made.”

“It has nothing to do with you, Lucy. It’s spelled with O’s. Can’t sue me for O’s.”

“You literally have an exact replica of my entire head built into one of the rides!”

“Coincidence.” He crossed his four arms even harder as he glared.

Lucifer was now vibrating in anger as he barely restrained himself from jumping forward in anger. “Appley the Apple? You couldn't even bother coming up with a different name! Appleton the Apple Knight was Charlie’s favorite mascot and you just… blatantly stole him for your stupid rip-off!”

Bringing up Charlie? That was a low blow, he actually puffed up in anger and gripped the golden bars of his money throne tightly in rage. “Appley the Apple is completely and legally distinct from Appleton the Apple Knight, for one thing they don't have armor or a sword.”

“It’s a giant, talking apple!”

He snarled. “Coincidence.”

This was a familiar argument between he two of them: Loo Loo Land versus Lu Lu World. Mammon had built Loo Loo Land as a cheap money making scheme. Did he know that Lu Lu World was built for his beloved niece when he made Loo Loo Land? No, he didn't. Would that have altered his course when coming up with the park? Probably.

Of course, he was in too deep now and couldn't admit defeat or wrong-doing in front of Hell least the vast pyramid of power he had built into Greed Society turn on him as a sign of weakness.

Lucifer breathed out of his nose harshly. “You know what? No, I'm not doing this again. I’ve already told you how I feel about your ripoff.” The king of Hell looked angry before he pinched the bridge of his nose tightly and breathed hard. “I wouldn't have come if I didn't need you so let’s just cut the bullsh*t and start over.”

Lucifer looked up and plastered a smile on his face. “How’re you doing, Mammon?” It was the most blatantly false and fake smile anyone had ever seen and yet he didn't care. He now had a far more willing audience to listen to his many woes because Crimson was… fine, but he was an underling.

He preferred bitching to his peers.

“Absolutely terrible.” He slumped and sighed. “My bottomless well of money up and ran away on me with Ozzie and now I don't have any leverage over them since you announced Imps are cool now.”

“I mean,” Lucifer looked uncomfortable. “I’m not going to apologize for that or anythi-”

“Glim and Glam- love them, I really do, but they just don't have the sheer star power that Fizzi did. The Fizzibots are disbanded because Ozzie is being a dick about copyright and now I have to make enough Glimbots and Glambots to shore up the difference but nobody who already has a Fizzi wants one and those who don't just want a Fizzi- which I can’t make anymore!” He raved, his voice leaking a bit of power as his form shifted and grew, his true form breaking out just a bit as lighting sparkled around him.

“I’m, er, sorry about that?” Lucifer tried.

Mammon glared balefully. “I don't want to talk about my money problems right now- look at this place!” He spread his right arms across the room, gesturing at the near endless piles of wealth. “You know how much money is in here?”

Lucifer opened his mouth-

“Billions, Lucy! I only have tens of billions!” He sighed and sank into his chair. “I should have hundreds of billions, not… not that.”

Lucifer just awkwardly sat in his chair. “Charlie says hi, by the way.” He said, moving the subject away from his money problems.

Mammon smiled, thoughts of his beloved niece warming his black and shriveled heart as he sat back up in his golden money throne. “Little Charlie said hi, did she?”

He had a soft spot for the princess, always had. She was sweet and charming and normally Mammon would have dismissed her completely like he did many of the other Sins but she had a backbone of pure steel and a heart as greedy as any other.

Oh yes, Charlie was greedy and envious as they came. Not for material things like wealth and riches, if she had wanted as deeply as she did for such things he might have respected her less than he actually did. Mammon craved money and wealth like nothing else but Charlie? She had her sights set on more ephemeral things.

She wanted a better life for demonkind. Sinner and Hellborn alike, she craved for the universe to bend to her whims and bring joy and happiness to Hell. She wanted a happy day in hell, she wanted it so deeply and so completely that the Sin of Greed couldn’t help but cheer her on.

Hers was a cup that could never be filled, never be satisfied unless Paradise came for Demonkind itself. She wanted, and wanted, and wanted some more and her greed for a happy day in hell was astonishing to witness.

It would never work, because Hell was a sh*thole and always would be, but for someone to Want as strongly as she did? Well, he couldn't help but nod along and pass her some pocket change every now and again for her efforts to achieve her deep wants.

It was the least he could do for a fellow aficionado of Greed, after all.

“How’s the little squirt doing, Lucy?” He reclined in his golden money throne and crooked his fingers together, grinning up towards one of his many golden pyramids as he hummed. “Haven’t seen Charlie since she came by asking for some starter capital for her hotel.”

Lucifer blinked. “She told you about the Hotel?”

“Course she did!” He spread his arms wide, sending a pile of cash down towards the floor. “Told her it was a crapshoot but she made her case so I gave her some dosh to begin with so she could invest in getting ahead of the competition.”

“There’s… literally no other service offering redemption.” Lucifer explained. “There is, by default, no competition.”

“I know!” Mammon wiped a tear away from one of his eyes. “Baby’s first monopoly- I’m so proud! First she corners the market, gets those ingrates to fall in line with her redemption plan, and then next thing you know she has a corporate empire of hotels throughout Pride and beyond! I’ve already got several factories on standby waiting to start making merch for her hotels. You want a Charlie Shirt?” Mammon twirled a finger, summoned a small portal of green lightning, and pulled out a bundle of cloth before unrolling it and holding up a simple T-shirt with a cartoon Charlie on it giving a thumbs up and saying “You Can Do It!”

“I’ll take several, actually.” Lucifer smiled and flung a gold bar out of his pocket into one of the many money piles around him and Mammon nodded, appeased.

“She still into that weird nerd sh*t from Earth?” He asked, remembering her nerd phase like it was yesterday. She had read them cover to cover back when they were the new hotness on Earth. Personally, Mammon didn't give two sh*ts about what humans did or thought but she had found out if she annoyed him enough with her interests he would pay her to go away and so would do that regularly to get an extra allowance.

He was so proud of her… and so damn tired of hearing about damnable Captain Avery and his stupid adventures in space.

“She hasn't read those in forever, actually.” Lucifer scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “I’ve… actually been reading them myself because I may have told someone I'm a fan and now I'm stuck in a lie.”

Mammon grinned. “Ah, the consequences of your own actions.” He scoffed. “Never suffered them myself so I wouldn't know.”

“Yeah, except they’re a bit more interesting than I thought: you know, the science isn't that half baked and Captain Avery is actually quite interesting if you get to know him more and his friendship with O'Bailey is quite fun to read about as they go about trying to salvage the fractured peace between Earth and Jupiter-”

“So really, I'd love to shoot the sh*t with ya Lucy, but I really wanna know why you’re here.” The spider cut off the rambling king and simply stared him down, crooking his fingers together as he mentally began filtering out anything and everything to do with Cosmic Frontier.

“Well… if you must know, I actually need some advice.”

Mammon blinked and cleaned out an ear. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“... why?”

“Because nobody knows about business more than you.”

Mammon paused and then leapt off his throne, sending it tumbling into a massive pile of money as he flung both his left arms over Lucifer’s shoulders before lifting him up and shaking him back and forth. “Why didn't you say so! Always knew the best way out of a depression was money! Whoever said money can’t buy happiness is full of sh*t.”

“That’s not-”

“There’s not a soul alive that knows more about money and business than me, Lucy!” Mammon grinned, his razor fangs glinting off the light of the gold around him. “Why, I taught many a scholar of the wealthy arts! There was this one group of people who wanted to go to some place called ‘India’ and start up a trading company so I told them how to do it right-”

“Mammon, if you could-”

“-Then I got summoned again by someone named Adam Smith, he wanted to learn all my secrets so I told him all about how I ran things in Greed. He got so interested in it he wrote a book about it! Can't remember what it’s called but-”

“Mammon!” Lucifer finally got a word in edgewise, dusting down his coat. “I… appreciate the enthusiasm but I simply want to know how to run a business as an executive.”

“That all?” the Sin of Greed snorted in amusem*nt. “I'll teach you everything you need to know about how to be successful in business.”

Lucifer nodded and sat back down in his chair. “I might have told someone I ran my own business empire and now I need to know everything I can to make sure the lie holds.”

Mammon smiled. “Alrighty, then let's get to learning!”

He sat his massive bulk down on the nearest pile of gold and got out a ruler, waving it back and forth like a baton. “Now, the first thing you’re gonna need to know about being successful is how to launder money- you writing this down, Lucy? You need to start writing this sh*t down.”

Lucifer, ever the diligent student, began to write down everything Mammon said.

**********

The Gravesfield Veterinary Clinic was a simple, well loved building. Two stories of white stone that glowed in the sun. Friendly murals of many animals playing in a field decorated the walls thanks to many local artists who had used their services and it was, without fail, a very nice place to work at.

There were technically two buildings, the two story small animal clinic and the barn-like large animal clinic: both buildings had their own staff who were experts in their field.

Camila, who worked in the small animal clinic and was their star employee, hummed happily to herself as she made sure that the fluffy dog in front of her had all his shots. “You’re being such a good boy for me.” She said in a low and soothing voice, making sure her movements were not too sudden or rushed so as not to frighten the already scared dog as she administered his last shot.

She loved her work, truly did. She had always had a weakness for small animals… children too, which was why if she hadn’t gone into Vet work she would have tried to get a degree in pediatric care. And yet, here she was working with cute, friendly animals.

Life couldn't get any better.

“I’m still amazed, Cam.” Jenny Waters, her assistant in all things dog related, said as she entered the new medical info into the system. She was a younger woman in her twenties who had graduated college before coming back home to take care of her elderly grandparents. They were, well, they were friendly co-workers so she supposed her and Jenny were friends. “That dog hasn’t let anyone get close at all and you just… casually get all up in his business.” The red haired vet sounded in awe as she stared at the older woman.

“What can I say: I have the touch.” She found herself giggling and humming the Transformers theme as she patted the fluffy German Shepard on the side. “You’re good to go, Matty.”

The dog barked happily and licked her face before jumping down and pawing at the door. She opened it up and the dog practically barreled into his owner, knocking the elderly man back down into his chair.

“All fixed up, are ya Matty?” The bald and liver-spotted gentleman smiled at her. “You do the Lord’s work, Ms. Noceda. Thank you, really.”

She waved away the compliment with a smile. “It’s alright, now we managed to administer his shots and did an overall check for any disease or abnormality and Matty came up negative for everything. He’s in excellent health, Jean.”

“I try my best, Ms. Noceda.”

“You know where the front desk is.” She moonwalked a few steps before twirling around and walking back towards her room. She turned as the door opened and did some finger-guns as Helen Goldstein and her cat Whiskers came in the door. “Looking good, Whiskers!”

The cat meowed and Helen laughed.

She did a little dance as she entered the room, smiling to herself even as Jenny stared at her like a puzzle waiting to be solved. She co*cked her head to the side and Camila blinked.

“There something on my face?”

Jenny shook her head. “I… don't take this the wrong way, Cam, but I haven’t seen you this happy since you barged in and announced your daughter made her first girlfriend.”

“Luz and Amity are adorable and I will stand by that statement.” She said as she began to dispose of the used needles and start cleaning her equipment.

“I’ve seen the pictures you showed me… everyone has.” Jenny said with a smirk and she laughed. She had practically gushed to everyone who came in about her daughter's relationship after Luz showed her the powerpoint presentation. Oh, she had known weeks before Luz had come out because the two couldn't help but be lovey dovey at every opportunity, but she had kept her silence and said nothing until her darling daughter was ready to come out.

She would not have a repeat of her own experience.

“Can’t help but feel proud of mi hija.”

“Always liked Luz, glad to see she’s finally found her place in the world.” Jenny said as she began sweeping up a few of the mats they had snipped off of their last patient, sweeping them into a waste bin.

“She and Vee are doing much better now after all the… unpleasantness.” It was hard, trying to explain what exactly happened that year. Once all the dust had settled and everyone was fine and recovered from the near apocalypse… or, well, the second near apocalypse, she had sat down with Luz and Vee to try and get their stories straight just like they had the night after the Hexsquad had shown up at her front door.

“You ever going to tell anyone what happened?” She knew Jenny was curious. Jenny, Ramirez, Benjamin, and Dr. Nancy all wanted to know the exact details of what happened that year but she wouldn't tell.

She’d thrown enough false breadcrumbs out for them to think, well, any number of wild theories that were as far away from the truth as possible. She’s pretty sure her boss, Dr. Nancy, thinks that the Hexsquad had run away from a human trafficking ring and that she had sheltered them while the heat cooled off.

The fact that Hunter, while he volunteered at the Vet, would casually throw out some of the most off-putting tidbits about his life in whatever the Emperor’s Coven was… well, it had certainly ensured that no sane or rational story would win out.

She smiled and mimed zipping her lips to which Jenny shook her head. “I’ll get the truth out of you one day, Cam.”

“You’re certainly welcome to try, Jenny.”

The two friends laughed together and went back to work in silen-

“Hey! Wait a minute!” Jenny shouted as she whirled around and mockingly glared at her. “You’re not going to distract me with your little mysteries this time, Cam. You are practically glowing with happiness so spill.”

She shook her head ruefully and smiled to herself. “I… might have a boyfriend now.”

And there it was. She and Lucius were officially dating. They had… well, they had straight up made out on the picnic blanket for several minutes before they had broken off and continued cloud watching. It was the perfect end to a perfect date.

She was dating again, she had a boyfriend again. Life was looking upwards. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she remembered the taste of his lips on hers and she giggled to herself like a schoolgirl. Gosh, but he had a sway over her.

Jenny blinked and then smiled happily at her. “Oh my god, Cam. That's amazing!”

“I know!” She would certainly be extremely happy about her current relationship.

“You gotta tell me everything, Cam!”

“Tell you everything about what?”

Dr. Mary Nancy was an elderly woman who had a gentle disposition with the animals she worked with. She had her stringy gray hair in a tight bun and a pair of tortoise shell glasses over her pale green eyes. A simple doctors coat over scrubs was bedazzled with many different buttons and pins that she and her wife had collected over the many years together.

She was the best kind of boss that Camila could ask for. Though right now it was starting to get crowded in her room.

“Camila has a boyfriend, Dr. Nancy!” Jenny chirped out happily. “She was going to tell me all about him and what he was like and-”

“-And you can do that when you aren’t on the clock.” Dr. Nancy said, giving Jenny an eye and a raised eyebrow as the red haired nurse blushed and got back to work. “That being said: Cam, aren’t you about to go on a lunch break?”

Camila sighed as she saw the eager and curious eyes behind Mary’s glasses, this was going to be a while. “Yes, Mary, I'll tell you all about my boyfriend over lunch.”

“Oh, I wouldn't want to impose but if you insist-” Dr. Nancy grabbed ahold of her arm and led her towards the employee break room.

The employee break room was a nice little room: big enough to house the full staff of both clinics and painted a nice sky blue. It had all the amenities a break room needed. It had a nice fridge, a nice microwave, a little toaster over, a toaster, and comfy chairs. It also had two large windows looking out towards the forest behind the clinic, currently open to let in the spring air.

“You know,” Dr. Nancy began as she sat down in a chair with a cup of tea before her. “You don't have to spill any details if you don't want to.”

“I know for a fact that you want to know as much as possible about my love life.” She countered to which her boss just crooked an eyebrow.

“Cam… I want to know about everyone’s love life.”

Well, that was true. Her boss was a nosey person who took great delight in learning little secrets and details about people's personal lives. Honestly, Camila had once believed she would have made a great detective with how she got information out of people but Mary just smiled at her and said nothing when she brought that up at the christmas party.

“I met him at a bar, actually.” She finally fessed up, tired of Mary’s raised eyebrow. “He’s… i think he’s a big city executive but i… havent really asked him about the name of his company.”

Dr. Nancy just nodded and she continued. “He’s… he’s charming, and sweet, and a big dork-”

“Aww!”

Both of them turned to find Jenny and Ramirez, the afro-cuban nurse who was trying to become the next doctor in the place, looking at them from the doorway.

“That’s sweet!” Jenny chirped happily. “I’m glad you found a kindred soul.” Ramirez just gave her a thumbs up and a nod of approval.

“Don't you two have work to do?” Dr. Nancy asked, annoyed.

“We just went on our lunch break, actually.” Jenny replied as they both pulled up a chair and sat down, to which the head doctor just sighed in annoyance.

“Seriously, Noceda, it’s nice that you found someone.” Ramirez said simply as he reclined in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. “Good to know love never ends and all that jazz.”

Camila smiled as Jenny and he began gushing about her boyfriend, to which she kept on offering tidbit after tidbit. She felt on cloud nine as she gushed about Lucius, about their picnic date and about the nice café they went to.

She might have left out the explosive end to the café date and the… well, steamy make-out she had at the end of the picnic date but she figured they got the point.

It was… it was nice, having friends she could just gush about things with nowadays.

Before Camila could continue, the sound of crashing trash cans echoed in from the open window. Hissing, snarling, and the chorus of animals fighting came in.

Again.

“God- damn it, the racoons are back.” Dr. Nancy shook her head annoyed. “If they keep fighting like this they’ll have plenty of infections setting in. Camila, I hate to ask this, but could you deal with this?”

“What, the raccoon's injuries? I don't think-”

“I meant the trash.” Dr. Nancy explained patiently. “I would have an intern go out and do it but, well, you’re here already so…”

She made a simple salute and made her way out of the breakroom and towards the back of the vet clinic. A few rooms had some of her coworkers in them and yet more were empty as she made her way out the back door.

The crisp afternoon air was nice after being cooped up in her little windowless op room and she rolled her shoulders, working out a kink or two as she made her way to the back.

The second her footsteps got loud enough to betray being close she saw a small squadron of raccoons rush off, ill gotten gains in their mouths as they scurried towards the tree line and out of sight.

She was about to continue when she heard the weirdest thing she could: sobbing.

It was gentle, quiet crying like someone was trying to stifle their voice but it was crying nonetheless.

“Hello?” She called out as she turned the corner towards the back of the clinic. “Is anyone there?”

There was a sound like crinkling trash as something tried to hide. She looked out across the scene: The few trash cans they had around the back were all tipped over with garbage scattered all around the area. A simple sack full of rotten food was ripped open and practically empty while a garbage bag overflowing with trash was currently shaking like something was hiding behind it and holding it in place.

Something too small to be a person.

She was very careful as she made her way slowly forward, one hand going into her pocket to where she kept her mace. She had been keeping it on her person at all times after that Cabron tried to get her with a knife and she would probably be keeping it close at hand for years to come.

Step after step, she made towards the rustling bag as she very carefully got close enough to see what was behind the bag.

It was a sheep, a purple sheep in an incredibly dirty and frayed little suit. His fur was matted, dirty, and full of brambles and detritus while he cowered away from her.

She very carefully got her hand out of her pocket and made sure her movements were slow and steady. Her hands were outstretched to show she was no threat as she took a knee before the sheep. “Hey- hey… I'm going to reach out, just stay still please.”

She carefully reached a hand out and moved the garbage bag out of the way. She finally got a better look at him: He had a few cuts and scratches on his gangly limbs, probably from the racoons. He was curled up in a defensive ball and was trying not to look at her.

Her heart broke. She always did have a soft spot for cute and cuddly animals and seeing one so clearly hurt, even one that was bright purple and wearing a little suit, it hurt to see.

“Hey.” She said slowly as she retracted her hands and made sure to appear non-threatening. “Those cuts look like they hurt. Do you want some help?”

The sheep, because it was a sheep, did not respond except to shiver some more so she carefully picked him up and took him back with her. She may have suspected he came from beyond the door in her second home… but he was still a small animal that needed help and she would do everything in her power to help him.

She took the incognito angel into the veterinary clinic and closed the door behind her.

Chapter 17: Collins Awful, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Chapter Text

Through the streets of Gravesfield, a cherub embarked on an important mission.

Collin, former therapy cherub turned agent turned pseudo-fallen one crouched low to the ground as he slowly made his way to the end of the hedge row towards the sidewalk. The purple sheep had seen better days: his lilac suit was torn to near shreds, his fur was matted and dirty, and he was pretty sure his mane was as filthy as the rest of him. And yet his resolve was as unstoppable as the pillars of Heaven itself.

He crouched even lower, his belly practically scratching along the grassy yard as he stared unblinking at the human man currently unloading the back of his vehicle. He was a typical human: two hands, two feet, head, eyes… and muscles for days, the man looked like he was a permanent resident of a gym. Now, normally, he would avoid dangerous looking humans like this if it weren't for the fact that the back of his car was filled with groceries.

Delicious, delicious groceries.

An entire bag of oranges! A full package of corn-on-the-cob! An entire bag full of chips! It was an endless bounty of food and he had taken to stea- no! Angels didn’t steal. He was merely… strategically transporting edibles to an alternate location. Said alternate location being the bag on his back.

Which was fine and dandy to the very hungry cherub.

It was his turn to begin foraging and he had done it well. He had gone from trash can to trash can, dumpster to dumpster as he collected whatever he could that was even slightly edible: moldy fruit, stale bread, half-eaten sandwiches… if it could be chewed, it was put into the sack he held on his back to take back for eating amongst his friends and him. But right now he had the opportunity to take more than just trash. He could get real food.

His friends would be so happy with him if he pulled this off. They could use a pick-me-up after everything.

Cletus and Keenie were back at the hide-out they had chosen and were currently planning their next moves. If he knew his friends, Keenie was gung-ho about planning out their journey to the next town once this one gave its last while Cletus was coming up with plans and schemes to get back into Heaven’s good graces.

He hoped that Cletus would come up with a good plan, their last one had sort of… blown up in their face. Literally.

Apparently trying to hijack a radio-station to broadcast to the office of the Joybringer herself was an explosive endeavor.

He shook his head, thoughts of the youngest Seraphim and his former boss twice over would just make him sad. Well, sadder than he already was being stuck on earth potentially for eternity.

And anyway, his chance had finally come!

The human had picked up a massive thing of dog food and was carting it inside over his shoulder while he carried in a thing of soda in his free hand. Which meant that as soon as the door to his domicile closed the van full of food would be unguarded and he could rummage to his heart's content.

The human went inside and closed the door with his foot and Collin, once the favored therapy cherub of many different winners, charged forward like a mad animal and dove straight into the bags. He shoved a whole roast chicken into his bag, the package of corn, and a frozen meat pie.

He had hit the motherload of food.

He was just about to grab the bag of chips when the door to the human house opened and the very large and very muscular human person stepped outside and saw him.

“Hey! Get out of my car you little bastard!”

Collin burst into action, his every movement jittery and full of manic energy as he forced himself to bolt like he had never bolted before. This was his food now, the human could deal. He used the back of the… van, that's what it was called. He used the back of the van to launch himself backwards and clattered against the ground and started pumping his legs like crazy.

This wasn't the first time he had been seen: more than a few humans had seen him in the act of taking food for the group. This was just the first time he had been seen by a human built like a brick wall who looked like they could snap him in half.

“Get back here you- what the…!?” The human stopped in his tracks as soon as he got a good look at him, after all It wasn't everyday that a human saw a chest high purple sheep in a dirty lilac suit with a sack of stolen food rush away with terrified bleating, little hooves practically sparking the concrete as he rushed away.

Of course, the human's loss was his bag jumped up and down as he bravely ran away out of sight.

Mission successful.

Food acquired.

**********

“Lets see… with that we have, hmm, enough for three weeks if we ration.”

Collin was safely hidden behind a large white building near the edge of town. He had fled as fast and as far as his hooves could take him and now he was hiding behind something known as the “Gravesfield Veterinary Clinic.” It was a decent enough building with many different murals of friendly cherub-like animals all around it frolicking and having fun and it had a decent view of the vast forest behind it.

He’d never seen a clinic before, Heaven didn't have any need for them since it was… well, literal perfection. He wondered what this one did or what a ‘Veterinary’ was. There was a smell like a bunch of animals in the air and it just made him more confused as to what this place was.

Of course, the smell of actual fresh food is more important than the place he was hiding behind so he put it out of his thoughts and began tallying up his new spoils.

“Chicken, I know Cletus will like that… Corn, Keenie always did like corn, half a chicken pot pie…”

Yep, this was a good haul. With his new spoils added onto the less than perfect food he had acquired beforehand. Cletus and Keenie would be so proud of him! They might even give him headpats like… like Emily used to.

Before he could descend into another spiral of shame and self-loathing, however, there was a rustling in the treeline before him and the most curious of God’s creatures emerged out of the bushes.

It was… well, a raccoon. The creature had the trademark bandit eyes and bushy ringed tail coming out of a furry body. It hopped close and co*cked its head to the side.

He smiled, he was great with animals! They responded to the Grace within all angels and would naturally leave them in peace. Now, granted, mixing Grace with Infernal energy tends to make animals… freak out slightly but there were no awful, horrid, monstrous, evil evil evil Imps around to make the little guy hostile.

He liked his chances.

“Hey there little guy!” He said, his voice cheerful as he lowered himself slightly to meet the creature's gaze at eye level. “You miss your family too?”

Two other raccoons emerged from the bushes, all three of their gazes on the bag full of food next to him. “Looks like your family missed you too.” He chirped only to frown as they began to move closer to him.

He chuckled nervously and sidled close to the bag, his expression anxious as the raccoons drew closer. “Now, um, this would be my food right now so I would like to ask you not to steal from me. My friends and I… we need it more.”

The raccoons just stayed put, their gaze turning towards him and not leaving as they just… waited.

He smiled. “See? That's the spiri-”

There was a sound of chittering right next to his ear and he turned his head to look directly into the eyes of a fourth raccoon, sitting on top of one of the garbage cans next to him almost a hair’s breadth away.

“Clever girl.” He said simply as the other three raccoons charged forward and the fourth leapt at him like a, well, a rabid animal.

**********

Failure.

That was all that Collin could feel as he huddled in on himself, the pain of the many scratches and bites sending lances of agony through him. The raccoons were basically gorging themselves on his bounty, leaving nothing at all for the cherub to bring back to his friends.

A cherub of the High Holy could recover from most ailments, and get over most injuries. Raccoons shouldn't have even left a single mark on him if he didn't want them too… except he wasn’t a cherub of the High Holy anymore, was he?

Failure, he was a failure.

His thoughts were spiraling, it was all he could do as little sobs of pain left his muzzle.

He hadn't been such a pathetic thing before. Once, he was a therapy cherub: One of those heavenborn designed to give comfort to those winners who had died in not-so-nice ways. He had basically basked in the adoration of thousands as his days were filled with head-pats, tummy rubs, and making sure that the winners he was assigned to acclimated to death.

He had soothed nightmares, he had helped people through panic attacks, he had been a shoulder to cry on… he was a pro at giving comfort to people.

And now here he was curled up into a bloody ball as his every bounty was stolen by filthy trash pandas.

He should never have listened to Cletus, he should have stayed a therapy cherub and never joined the servants of Emily the Joybringer. He would never blame the youngest seraphim for his current situation: she had formed the many branches of C.H.E.R.U.B to bring joy and happiness to the loved ones of winners so that those on earth could bask in the joys she brought to Heaven always. There was nothing wrong with that.

No, he blamed Cletus and his… his darn desire to be bigger than just a servant! It was the natural order for cherubs to be servants, trying to break that order led to filthy evil Imps making you accidentally kill your target and get cast out of Heaven.

Actually, Cletus wasn't even at fault for this. It was those darn… no, those Damn imps! If it wasn't for those horrid things he would be back in Heaven sipping pina coladas with the other cherubs instead of curled up in a ball, surrounded by garbage, being beaten bloody by raccoons who wanted to steal the trash he had stolen in the first place.

More sobs left him as he tried to curl in tighter.

He was such a piece of garbage. He should have never given into peer pressure, he was… he was such a failure.

Footsteps began to echo, the sound of an approaching human coming closer and closer causing the trash pandas to scatter away with his loot. And thus Collin, once a cherub of the High Holy and now a nothing of the nowhere, was left alone with literally nothing to his name.

He might as well just lay there and let the human stomp him into the ground, it was all he was good for. Maybe he could be good fertilizer for plantlife? That would be nice, becoming a plant… no more pain, no more hunger, no more scavenging for food…

He wanted to lay there forever… but he also kind of didn't want to get stomped into the ground just yet so he dragged himself, with great difficulty, behind the trashcan the raccoon had launched itself off of and hid.

It wasn't like he could stop whatever big, scary human was coming from doing whatever but maybe his pathetic whimpering would lead to the human at least taking a moment's pity before bashing his head in for being basically garbage?

Either way, the human had found him and he curled tighter still, his bloody leg lancing pain through him as he did so. He shivered like mad, awaiting his fate-

“Hey- hey… I'm going to reach out, just stay still please.”

That… that wasn't a scary voice. That was actually a nice voice.

He didn't dare move a muscle besides his pained twitching as the garbage bag was moved out of the way, his whole body now in plain view of the human standing above him. He didn't dare hold out hope that she, for it sounded like a she although he could be wrong since he was in a lot of pain right now, would help him.

“Those cuts look like they hurt. Do you want some help?”

She sounded very nice, like a warm blanket. He smothered his every instinct to flinch or start flailing to get away as she picked him up carefully, like he mattered. Did she know he was a fallen one? Did she know he had blood on his hands?

If she did she would send him away and then gather together a mob to hunt down his friends. That couldn't happen at any cost.

As he was carefully taken away from the garbage and the filth he decided he would pretend to be a normal sheep. How hard could it be?

**********

Camila Noceda, Vet extraordinaire, placed the purple sheep on the table and began to prep her tools. She wasn't sure how her tools would work on what was either an obvious Isles demon or one of Eda’s accidentally sapient mistakes but she would help the small creature either way.

Just from a cursory glance she could tell she would need disinfectant, gauze, and some heavy duty trimmers for the mats and detritus all tangled up in his fur. He could also do with a bath, so she got some towels out to dry the poor little guy off afterwards.

She brushed a bit of the rotten foodstuff off of him and got to work.

Disinfectant was put on a swab and she started dabbing at his bites and scratches.

“Ow!” The sheep cried out, only to freeze up and stare at her in horror. “I mean, Baa!” He said ‘baa’, rather than simply baa’ing.

It was kind of adorable.

She kept dabbing and she was amazed at the color of his blood: pure gold with an almost ethereal shine to it underneath the light. Each and every wound on his body was golden colored, even the bites. Actually, especially the bites since they covered more area.

Golden blood… she carefully crossed out ‘Gained sentience thanks to Eda’ and chocked it up to ‘Isles Demon.’

She had never taken care of an Isles Demon before… Well, okay, that was a lie. King, Eda’s adorable son and the cutest little guy she’d ever seen in her life, had once fallen and skinned his knee while playing catch with Eda and the… the bird tube.

She carefully sidestepped thoughts of the bird tube. She had seen the video Luz had of that… that thing removing its own skin. She had never been able to see the creature the same way ever again.

So her practice taking care of Isles Demons was exactly one, not a great sample size all things considered. Well, two now.

A few more dabs and she was ready to apply the first bit of gauze, carefully wrapping up the wound as she made sure to be as gentle as she could be. The little guy was in enough pain as it was and she didn't want to amplify that. She glared at one of the trickier placed wounds and got out her trimmers to get rid of some of the mats and dirt around it.

“You know, I’ve never taken care of a real one of you guys before.” She said simply as she began trimming away, clearing up some of the fur buildup and giving him a nice styling while she was at it. “I mean, I hope I'm not hurting you.”

“Baa.” The purple sheep said again, a panicky look in his eyes as he remained perfectly still.

She smiled again. Putting away her trimmers she began to dab away more golden blood with disinfectant as she got to work. Wound after wound, she made sure that the sheep was well taken care of.

She had just gotten to a bite on his back when the door opened. “Hey, Cam? Have you seen…?”

Benjamin Cohen was an intern from the local college who was trying to get a full employment after he graduated. Dr. Nancy liked his work and honestly? So did she. He may not have been as good as Hunter was with the more skittish and abused animals but he was still gentle and kind, both good things to look for in a vet.

Short and slick black hair alongside a bushy beard, the olive skinned man was a godsend to the clinic. He was clad in his scrubs and was currently looking into the room with confusion and shock.

She could understand: it wasn't every day you saw a purple sheep in a dirty suit covered in golden blood.

The sheep looked terrified, Ben looked increasingly shocked, and Camila went into overdrive.

“Would you believe a circus just abandoned this poor boy?” She said, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible and looking as casual as she could. “Just… painted him purple, splashed him with gold, and then threw him out in a suit.”

“That…” Ben looked confused. “A circus?”

“I mean, what other reason would I have to have a purple sheep in a suit?” Camila smiled as brightly as she could.

Ben looked at her and a trail of sweat went down her forehead.

“I… really don't know.” He grabbed a holder of syringes off the table and slowly closed the door, staring at her oddly even as the door closed behind him.

She sighed in relief. That was a close one.

She turned around to see the sheep staring at her oddly, the fear gone from his eyes and more curiosity in it now. She smiled gently and got back to taking care of and dressing his wounds.

“I hope he doesn't bring Dr. Nancy into things,” She explained, dabbing away the last of the blood from him. “I can maybe fool him but not Mary, she sees too much.”

She smiled down at him. He was still in a dirty and torn suit but now the detritus and dirt was gone and he was… well, more clean than he had been. He had gauze and bandages on him all over but overall he looked clean and healthy.

She nodded to herself. “Now time for the shots.”

He flinched away and she went into comfort mode. “No, no no no, it’ll be alright. Those raccoons may have given you a disease so I just need to give you a little needle prick and you’ll be all better.”

She held out her hands and made sure he could watch her movements, slowly making her way towards the cabinet. “I don't want you to get any nasty sicknesses from those bites and scratches so I just need a needle or two.” She stared him in his eyes. “I promise I won't hurt you.”

He shivered but he nodded.

It was odd, helping an animal that understood what you were doing on a human level. Pets were smart, they understood more than most people gave them credit for but that didn't mean they understood understood. This Isles Demon actually knew what she was doing, understood her words, and could speak right back to her.

She had to change up how she did things slightly.

She made sure the vials of medicine were in sight as she got her shots ready, her hands moving slowly and carefully as she kept one eye on the demon aside from her. “These are the shots I'm going to administer.” She explained, making sure he could see her every action. They were simple enough treatments: Rabies, Roundworm, and Salmonella.

“This is the Rabies shot.” She explained, moving aside his fur and lining up her shot before inserting it quickly.

“Ow!” The demon yelped

"It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“You promi- I mean, ‘Baa!’”

She smiled and shook her head, inserting the second shot.

“Ow!”

“You’re okay, we’re almost done.”

“This does hurt!”

“And here’s the Salmonella shot.”

“Wait, wait wai- ow!”

She smiled and stepped back, the sheep demon moving away slightly annoyed and glaring at her. It was… well, it was absolutely adorable. She giggled slightly at the sight and the demon just pouted harder.

“You were a good boy.” She said.

“B-baa.” He grumbled and she ruffled his head. A look of immense sadness came across his face as she did so and she actually paused, only for him to push his head against her hand.

“I know you probably miss home, buddy.” The demon froze up like an icicle underneath her hand. “I bet it’s been scary here in the human realm.”

He looked up at her with big wet eyes. “You… you know what I am?”

“Of course I do.” She explained, brushing off a few strands of fur from his little suit. “I’ve met beings like you before, you know-”

“You have!?” He practically shouted and she quickly shushed him, hunching over and looking over her shoulder.

“Look,” She explained. “I know what you are and I want to help, but my coworkers don't and they probably won't understand so I need you to be very quiet for me right now, okay?

The demon nodded.

“What’s your name?” She asked, moving over to begin cleaning up her room of any evidence he was ever here. She just needed to get him to her car after her area was clean of any evidence and she could take him to the portal door.

“C-Collin, ma’am.” He explained, a look of such intense hope on his face that she felt herself smile. “I’ve been… it’s been a hard year for me and my friends since we got trapped here.”

“You’re not the only one here?”

“No ma’am.” He explained, a look of shame on his face. “We’ve been stuck here for at least a year now.”

Her heart broke slightly. To be cut off from your home for so long was… it sounded awful. “You’re trapped here?”

He winced and looked at her like he was expecting her to yell at him, causing her heart to break all over again. “It’s… there was some, ah, unpleasantness with an old man and we were sort of… kicked out.”

Ah.

She had a feeling she knew exactly what old man was the source of said ‘unpleasantness.’ Once again, that old bastard Belos or Philip or whatever he called himself was ruining lives. Though it was a bit odd he would simply throw demons out rather than... what was it called? Petrification? Maybe Luz or Eda would know more but it was neither here nor there right now since she was needed here.

“Well, I'm very sorry that happened to you.” She said as she crouched down a few inches. “I think that it's very brave of you to survive as long as you have.”

“It’s hard.” He nodded.

“I hope my help can save you guys more trouble.”

He froze up again, staring at her in open shock. “You… want to help us?”

She frowned and crossed her arms. “Of course i do, i always help those in need and you guys have suffered enough.”

He looked so grateful to her that he jumped forward and hugged her tight, clinging to her like a lost child. “Thank you…” He breathed, sounding close to tears.

She smiled and hugged him back.

“When my friends learn we have some help they’ll be so happy!” He almost sobbed into her shoulder and she pat his back. A few minutes passed and finally he pulled away with a sniffle and a gracious smile.

She returned it, trying not to think of the logistics of how to get him out of here without raising any questions. “Now, I cant exactly keep you here but I have-”

“Oh, don't worry about that ma’am,” He chirped, looking happy as, to her astonishment, a pair of wings popped up out from behind him and started fluttering, causing him to hover at head height now. “I have a plan!”

She smiled and opened her mouth to ask how, exactly, he planned to get to the portal door-

“Camila? Can you come out here for a second?”

She winced, that was Dr. Nancy. “Just… ah, be casual.” She said hurriedly, the Isles demon saluting and looking determined as she carefully opened and left her op room to find Dr. Nancy and Ben looking at her confused.

Oh. Oh dear.

“Do you mind explaining why young Ben here said there was a purple sheep in your work room?” Dr. Nancy asked, an eyebrow raised as she stared at her.

“... it was abandoned by a circus.” She said again, sticking to her story.

Dr. Nancy raised her eyebrow higher.

“A circus?”

She nodded and Dr. Nancy sighed. “Cam, you’re a model employee so I'll cut you some slack and believe you this time. Please don't do anything stupid.”

She sagged in relief as the two of them turned and left, Ben looking back at her in confusion and disbelief. Maybe she wasn't as believable as she could have been but at least nothing else was going to go wrong.

“Alright,” She said, opening the door back up and entering her work room again. “I need to get you to my car before we can… get you… home…” She trailed off and stared at the completely empty room. The demon was gone without a trace.

“Hey!” Jenny yelled from the breakroom. “Who stole all our pizzas?”

Almost without a trace.

**********

“I have returned!”

The trek back to the hideout was far more simple than the trek to the vet clinic. For one thing, nobody went into the old part of town anymore from what they had managed to scrape together in the few days they were here. It was abandoned long ago, the perfect place for formerly heavenly creatures to hide out.

It was an old shack that the cherubs had chosen as their hideout, trash and ‘borrowed’ foodstuff all around. A simple table was in the center of the cabin and both the toddler-like Cletus and the yellow sheep-like Keenie were pouring over an old map to plan out their next move.

Cletus and Keenie, his two best friends in the whole of Heaven and Earth, both looked up from the map they were hunched over and stared at him in shock. “What in the Lord’s Name happened to you?” Keenie almost yelled out.

It wasn't hard to see why: His fur was clean, his mane was styled, and he was covered in bandages and gauze. He looked both cleaner than he had since this nightmare began and almost as damaged as that time they accidentally wandered into a coyote pack's territory looking for shelter.

That had been a bad night.

Collin, freshly cleaned and bandaged, held his pizzas high. He had survived the raccoons and survived the human lair and now he was returned triumphant. “I brought… I think it’s called pepperoni.”

“Gimme gimme gimme!” Cletus called out hungrily, his stomach growling audibly as he flew over as fast as he could only to be tugged back by Keenie.

“Hold on there, buster.” She said, still staring at him. “What happened to you?”

“Oh, I was almost killed by raccoons.” he said dismissively as he placed the pizza boxes over the map on the table.

“You were what!?” Keenie shouted as Cletus looked up from his near-starvation induced trance to start hovering around his friend.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay? They didn't hurt you did they?” He asked worriedly.

“Of course they did, Cletus! Look at him!”

“It’s okay!” He said with a laugh, his hands waving them away. “I found… well, you’re not going to believe this but I found the most amazing person!”

He began to hover as he described his experiences: the attack of the raccoons, his hiding, the lady taking him in and dressing his wounds, being cleaned, and then learning that she knew all along that he was a cherub of the High Holy and wanted to help them.

“She wants to help us?” Cletus asked, shock in his voice as the toddler-like cherub sat down in disbelief. “Why?”

“Because she’s an agent of the Joybringer!” He said happily. The two stared at him in shock.

“She works for Emily!?” Cletus asked, his motuh hanging open.

“It makes sense!” He said as he began rattling off his evidence. “She’s helped cherubs like us before, she knows what we did and doesn’t care, and she is kind like you wouldn't believe- she even held my cover in the face of another human!”

“She’s helped cherubs before?”

“Said it herself, she’s met beings like us before.” He explained

Cletus nodded while Keenie looked unsure. “I just… isn’t she human?”

“Maybe she’s a winner in disguise?” Cletus asked, hope returning to his voice for the first time in months. “Like, Emily works with Winners all the time! Remember that one guy she’s always hanging out with nowadays? He’s a winner.”

The evidence made sense. “So… Heaven didn't really abandon us?” Keenie asked, her voice full of growing hope.

“I knew we weren’t fallen ones! We were just being temporarily punished!” Cletus said with a cheer, fist-pumping the air as he started doing figure eights with his wings. “They’re letting us back in! We can go home!”

The three cherubs hugged tightly, spinning around in the air with such utter joy that nothing at all could ruin. Heaven hadn’t abandoned them, they would soon be home.

“Alright, new plan!” Cletus said once they broke apart. “We eat, then we go find this woman and she can help us get back. Then we never, ever, ever set foot in the human world ever again.”

He and Keenie nodded along to the plan, determination in their eyes.

The next few days would be absolutely critical, soon they would be home and nothing would stand in their way. They had to start stocking up and fast, gathering together anything they wanted to bring back to Heaven, and preparing for however long it would take to go home.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

“So what’s her name again?” Keenie asked and he froze up underneath her and Cletus’ gazes.

“I… didn't ask?” He said with a wince.

**********

They say that Old Gravesfield is haunted, though nobody truly believed in that nonsense. It was, much like the Tale of the Brothers Wittebane, a folk legend with no real basis in reality.

However, if anyone was near the old town tonight, they would quickly become believers if they heard the twin screams of rage that echoed through the lands and sent flocks of birds flying in fright.

It was probably just the wind though.

Chapter 18: Dinnertime Conversations

Chapter Text

Closing the door to her house, Camila sighed and began to roll her shoulders. It had been a long day.

Between having to explain that no, she didn't know where Collin the Isles Demon had gone (not that she had called him a demon, of course) to promising she would buy the pizza’s next time and pay back Jenny… well, she had a lot of questions to answer, none of which she could give the truth to.

Luckily, the idea that Collin wasn't a normal sheep was so outlandish that nobody considered it. Oh, she bet they thought him some chemically sick thing that escaped from a lab somewhere but nobody was going around saying “Oh by the way, there's an entire different universe attached to an old house in the woods and the purple sheep escaped from there and also can talk.”

Although, to be honest, if Camila’s life wasn't so weird and strange nowadays she probably wouldn't have believed that Collin was anything other than an escaped lab experiment either.

She should probably send a message to Luz about finding some Isles demons roaming around town. She knew that sometimes Witches would come over and try to intermingle with the town as part of an exchange program that Gus had set up but they tended to be less… obviously homeless and suffering than Collin had been.

He’d said he and his friends had been here for a year now… the more she thought of that, the more her mind said that something was wrong with that timeline. If he had fallen through a… what had Luz called it? Titan’s Blood? If they had fallen through a pool of that then surely they could have been able to go back? She wasn't sure how long it took for magical god blood to dry up but she was at least willing to bet that it took a while.

And if it wasn't a pool of magical super blood, then it had to be the portal door… but if they were banished through that, then why not just go back in?

She shook her head, the Collin and the many questions she had about him were not really relevant right now: He had escaped and she was a little miffed about all the trouble said escaping had caused. Not miffed enough to not help him, but she would at least frown a bit at him and his friends.

She walked through the house, kicking her shoes off and hanging up her coat as she made her way to the couch and just sank into it.

She loved her job, she really did, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard on her sometimes. She had some scratches and bites here and there collected over the years and yes, lifting some of the bigger animals was hard on the knees nowadays but that didn't mean she was going to give up or anything: Her dream was to run the entire clinic one day and help a new generation of vets to enjoy a life of helping pets and animals just like she did.

Just her and her own little animal clinic… She smiled and flicked on the TV, just shaking her head. Maybe one day…

She casually got out her phone and checked her messages, checking for any new ones. Just a simple text from Luz asking her about her day and one from Vee saying she was going to be staying with Masha for the night.

Essentially, she had the house to herself for the evening. She smiled and quickly brought up the recording she made of the TV adaptation for Cosmic Frontier: The Trek For Stars.

It was hilariously bad as far as adaptations go: It tried to make it edgy and serious and the actors were… not the best. Oh, she bet that they could be great but the scripts were so full of themselves that she couldn't help but laugh herself silly rather than rage at all the unnecessary changes and alterations to the source material they made.

It was good popcorn fodder that she could enjoy for being absolute nonsense. Oh, she was sure that the younger fans of Cosmic Frontier hated the show with a passion but then, she had seen worse.

A vision of salamanders danced through her head and she shuddered. So much worse…

Either way, now was a time to make some popcorn and laugh at a sh*tty adaptation.

She had just gotten the first bag out of the pantry and into the microwave when her phone began to vibrate in her pocket incessantly. The sound of popcorn popping rang in her ears as she took a look at who was calling her and was only slightly hoping it wasn’t work calling.

La Lechuza the phone contact said happily, an owl emoji next to the name.

She felt a smile appear on her face as she swiped open the phone and put it to her ear. “Hello Eda!”

The bushy haired and heterochromatic witch who had taken in her daughter and protected her and mentored her in the Demon Realm for months sounded happy as she chirped out “Cam! Hey, it’s been too long.”

She turned the microwave off and went to sit in a chair, smiling despite herself. “That it has, it certainly has. What, the last time we met was Halloween right?”

“You mean Samhain?”

She shook her head. Samhain, Solstice, King’s Tide… she had sort of thrown herself into learning the major holidays the demon realm had so that she and Luz could connect on something else. She had sort of been lied to by Urban Fantasy in that magical worlds would have the same sort of holidays that humans did.

Her daughter's other family had looked so confused when, during her time at Hexside, she had tried to set up meetings and visits for holidays that just straight up didn’t exist over on the Isles. Halloween, or Samhain as they called it, was one such example.

“I guess it was the Samhain party.” She agreed, drumming her fingers against the phone. “Still, that was a while ago now. Why don't we hang out much anymore?”

“Because I'm running a giant university and you’re doing Human Beastkeeping.”

She frowned. “I didn't want an actual answer.”

She could hear the shrug through the phone. “Eh, you asked.”

“Why did you call, Eda?”

There was silence on the other line for a few moments before Eda came back on. “I actually had an offer to make you.”

Now she was raising an eyebrow, simply waiting. She liked Eda, she really did. She owed the woman a debt that could never be repaid for what she had done for Luz during her stay on the Boiling Isles. She had taken the girl into her home and under her wing and from there helped her mija flourish into her full potential.

She owed Eda more than could ever be repaid… but that didn't mean she was blind to the woman's faults.

“So before that, I gotta say: Congrats on the new relationship.”

Okay, a bit of a turn but she wasn't going to complain. “Ay, thank you Eda. It’s still a bit new but we’re going steady now so I'm pretty happy about everything.” She was smiling happily now, kicking her feet back and forth as she talked.

“Luz and Vee may have mentioned him being a bit suspicious when they visited.” Eda had a teasing wilt to her voice now. “Gotta say, it’s sweet that they’re both willing to look out for you.”

She laughed to herself. “Ah, they can be sweet when they’re not spying on dates.”

“See, the most I ever got was King biting someone’s leg when they got shouty. You get actual date crashers. Not sure if I should be jealous or not”

“They did help dog-pile Hopkins and kick him in the ribs a bit.”

The sound that came out of the phone was like the crunching of glass mixed with a cicada’s chirping. “That f*cker didn't actually stab you, did he?”

“Got tackled by a good samaritan before he could.”

“What’s a samaritan?”

She blinked. “It’s a religious term for- well, that doesn't matter actually. He didn't get me and got tackled to the ground and I got him in the face with some mace.”

“Ha, I always knew you were hardcore- carrying a mace around is pretty sick! I’m more of a flail and knife woman myself but-”

Oh, she wasn't going to dispute that even if it wasn't quite true. Eda might have been the kind of person to keep actual weapons on her person just for giggles but she was happy simply having some pepper spray.

She blinked, there was something bothering her… something she should be bringing up but for the life of her she couldn’t-

A purple sheep, a pair of wings sticking out of his back as he flew around her work room while staring at her with big ol’ eyes.

Ah, right. “Eda? Before you bring up…. Whatever it is you called about, can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot.”

“Is it possible that a pair of Isles Demons could have escaped through the door and simply… forgot about it?”

Silence on the other end for a hot minute and her frown deepened.

“Eda-”

“No, I heard you. I’m just wondering how that would work because the answer is no. Collector didn't really make any alterations to the door that would affect memory at all… which brings me to my newest question: why do you want to know?”

She began to talk, telling everything she knew about the Isles demon she had found injured and hurting behind the Vet. She talked about the specifics he had mentioned: Being there for a year with friends after some unpleasantness with an ‘old man.’

“... and when I went back in both he and the pizzas were gone.” She finished up, pacing back and forth while the popcorn got cold in front of her. “Is it possible they simply forgot going through the door?”

“No, it's impossible.” Eda sounded confused, and that was concerning. “Maybe they fell down a pool of Titan’s Blood but there shouldn’t be any more! It all dried up and those natural springs that still existed disappeared after Belos did his whole Godhood crap.”

“So their story is nonsense?” She asked, suddenly worried.

“No, it's got to have some elements of truth to it since they’re there instead of here… I dont know, Cam. It's very weird.”

“What about the old man they mentioned?”

“Could be Belos… A few of the Coven Heads tried their hand at being his heir after everything was said and done. Nothing really came from it because they were more focused on fighting each other than conquering the Isles but Adrian actually came close.”

Eda slipped into lecture mode, her voice giving off a natural instructor’s cadence that made her a wonderful teacher. “The Illusionist tried to pretend that Belos had come back from the dead, even collected his remains in a little jar… He made the mistake of messing with Luz’s friends, though, and so he got his ass kicked and his petty empire crumbled. It’s not… impossible that his Belos banished the poor schmucks before Luz kicked him in the head a bunch.”

She sighed, not enjoying hearing that her daughter was getting into fights- though should she be happy she was getting into fights with imperialist tyrants? She would split the difference and simply feel concerned for her safety.

“I’ll try to find them again but I doubt they’re going to want to show their faces anytime soon if they aren't actually telling the truth.” She sat back into her chair and sighed, annoyed and tired by everything.

“They’ll probably turn up sooner or later, with our luck.”

Sadly, that was probably true. Though she didn't want to think about such depressing thoughts right now. “Moving on, you wanted to ask me something?”

“sh*t, I forgot! Are you and your boyfriend free this weekend?”

She blinked, where on earth did that come from? “... yes?”

“Great! Me and Raine were actually thinking of asking if you wanted to go on a double date so, well, would you be?”

A double date with Eda… the thought wasn’t objectionable, though it did seem like it came out of left field slightly. Eda had once told her she didn't do double dates, been pretty adamant about it, so it was odd that she was willing to do so for her so soon after Luz-

… Ah.

“Did Luz put you up to this?”

“She tried, oh Titan did she try.” She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed as Eda laughed. “It was actually quite cute but no, this isnt on Luz’s behalf. It’s been awhile since Raine and I actually had some time to ourselves so I was going to take them on a date to the human realm… and who better to show us the sights than a human couple, eh?”

She thought it over.

It had been a long time since she and Eda had seen one another, and Raine was an amazing person she wouldn't mind seeing again. They could play such beautiful music with their violin and was quite the talented performer when they got over their stage fright.

She did want to go on another date with Lucius, it was true, but did she want to go on one with others?

“If I say yes, will you promise to be on your best behavior?”

“Who are you, my mom?” Eda snarked and she frowned. “Fine, fine, I wont do anything untoward while out in public… I haven't really been much of a wild woman lately so you have nothing to fear from me.”

She breathed a sigh of relief even as Eda complained about said sigh over the phone. “Then yes, you and Raine can accompany us on a date.”

“Ha, great! I promise you wont regret it at all Cam. Nothing will go wrong.”

**********

Deep within the halls of the Morningstar Pride Palace/Governmental Complex, Charlie idly picked at some Roasted Wailing Tree Greens and wondered about life.

Ever since her Aborted Coronation, her dad had been trying his best to make up for seven years of severe neglect. She… she appreciated it a lot: knowing that he still loved her and that her worst fears that she had driven her parents away were just, well, nonsense. She really did appreciate his efforts.

And said efforts led to today.

Every few days he would invite her to one of the many Morningstar Estates throughout the Seven Rings and they would just hang out and have family time. They’d eat dinner or lunch together, talk about whatever, and try to overcome seven years of awkward depression in single nights.

She dragged the crispy and well seasoned leaf around in the vinaigrette and sighed.

She loved her father, she really did, and she appreciated it so much that he was willing to do this. She just wished…

She shook her head. No, she wasn't going to think about that tonight, she was going to have a lovely evening with her father and recreate the relationship they once had.

Lucifer, clad in a casual suit and bow-tie, was waving his hellboar cutlet clad fork through the air as he spoke animatedly about politics. “... need to be better at dealing with societal changes and what not than your old man.” He said, tearing a chunk out of his cutlet. “I just, I didn't think that it would lead to full scale rioting amongst the Goetias.”

“Mhmm.”

“Like, half the estates throughout Envy now look like fortresses with how much defenses and barricades are in and around them.” He said in between chewing. “I’m pretty sure that they’re hiring anyone that can wield a weapon to fight amongst one another.”

“Yeah, that sounds bad.”

“I’m going to have to make a whole new proclamation to try and quell the fighting and the rioting. Who knew that trying to do right by your uncle would lead to… well, wide-scale anarchy?”

She said nothing, simply continuing to move around her food listlessly.

Lucifer paused, looking at her confused as his brow furrowed. “Char-char? Everything alright?”

'No, everything isn't alright and none of it I can talk about.' She carefully didn't say.

The extermination was only slightly more than a week away and her mood always soured as Heaven’s yearly genocide came closer and closer. She could protect the Happy Hotel easily enough but… she couldn't protect everyone in Pride. Even if she were to put a giant bubble over Pentagram there were still hundreds of other cities and towns that would be hit by the Exorcists and she couldn't do anything about it at all. Millions of her people, many of whom merely made one little mistake or a dozen even smaller mistakes to end up here, were about to be brutally murdered and there wasn't anything she could do about it.

She could’ve dealt with it, could’ve dealt with it fine before even coming over except there was nobody to help her out back at the Happy Hotel. Vaggie, Razzle, and Dazzle were off in Imp City helping her new security team pack up their things and get ready to move to Pentagram. She didn't like to believe she was… clingy, but she definitely didn't like being away from her lovely girlfriend for long periods of time.

She knew one day Vaggie would leave her, knew that one day Vaggie would shed her sinner status and become a winner in heaven. she was just so… so perfect that if anyone deserved to be redeemed from their sins it would be her. And perhaps she hadn't been the best girlfriend by selfishly never popping the question so Vaggie would remain having premarital sex out of wedlock with her and thus living in sin but she didn't want to say goodbye just yet.

Charlie was a selfish person who didn't want her girlfriend to leave her, sue her.

Vaggie had been… Well, she hadn't shot down the idea of never getting married so that she would stay living in sin, so she counted that as a win in her book to be honest. But it still hurt to know she was denying her girlfriend eternal paradise because she had issues about people leaving her now.

Her phone sat heavy in her pocket like a lead weight, the sound of unread texts and unanswered calls echoing through her head.

Mom… mom was probably busy doing something important. Too busy to talk to her for seven years since the divorce. She was off figuring out how to save Hell from the exterminations most likely. She didn't drive away her mom, just like she didn't break up her parent’s marriage.

She didn't do that… she didn't drive her away…

The familiar feeling of deep sadness threatened to overtake her and she struggled to force it down and bottle it up like all the other issues around her mom she had, plastering on a bright smile for her dad as she looked him in the eye. “I’m doing just fine, dad!”

He frowned sadly at her. “Charlie… you were silent for several minutes before answering.”

Oh. sh*t.

Lucifer looked sadly at her before sighing. “Anything you want to talk about?”

“Can you tell me more about your new girlfriend?” She asked before she could stop herself. Lucifer blinked at her and she tried desperately to not freak out and cry a dozen or so apologies.

There, that was it and now it was out in the open.

Camila was a human, that much she knew… and that was it. Lucifer didn't want to talk about his girlfriend with her and that was fine. It was fine! Sure, not knowing anything led her to getting upset and thinking all kinds of crazy things about his new girlfriend. Sure, the Infernal News Media had painted a picture of some sort of horrible nightmare woman who would use him up and throw him away once she got what she wanted. Sure, if he would just tell her one little thing about her she would feel so much better…

Okay, it wasn't fine but to be fair she… she hadn't made it easy for him.

She had wished and wished and wished (she hadn’t prayed, she wasn't an idiot despite what most of her subjects thought) that her parents would get back together but that was never going to happen again.

She wanted her dad to be happy, she really did! She was over the blood moon that he was happy! She just didn't want him to get hurt again. And unfortunately with nothing to go on, she was worried that he would.

“Charlie… I know talking about it upsets you-”

“Because you don't want to talk about it!” She yelled out, jumping out of her chair and glaring. That was the crux of it, he wouldn't tell her anything and she got upset about it because she knew nothing at all. She wanted something, anything at all to prove her worst fears wrong.

Anxiety bubbled up in her as Lucifer stared at her, she felt like sinking into the floor as her guts started churning in worry. She wished Vaggie were here, her girlfriend would be able to steady her just with presence alone but she was off in the Circle of Murder and here she was in Tyranny with her dad.

They were hundreds of miles apart from one another.

“I just…” She breathed in and out before sinking back into her chair again. “I just want you to trust me.”

A look of pain crossed his face, something broken and depressed, before a small smile graced his lips. “What do you want to know?”

She grunted with annoyance before the meaning of his words sank into her brain, her head jerking up quick as she stared at him in shock and hope. “You mean it?”

He nodded and a million and one questions bubbled up to the surface and she struggled to find even a single one to ask. Her mouth opened and closed as a stream of pure consciousness threatened to break free over and over.

And finally a question bubbled up free from the others. “What does she do?”

He smiled happily. “She actually works with animals as a vet. She helps them get-”

“I know what a vet is.” She had actually gone down to Sloth to train under Auntie Belphy to learn the tricks and tips of helping others back when she began her road to the Happy Hotel. Belphy had given her so much in the way of ideas and advice and she would be forever grateful to the Sin of Sloth.

She missed helping Hellhound puppies. It had been nice… granted, she had spent most of her time playing with them rather than actually doing her job which may have contributed to her being asked to leave after only a few months but she couldn't help it! They were so cute!

Auntie Bee wouldn't have blamed her.

“She works with animals?” She hadn’t known that, and it was something. Working with animals was something that she could work with.

She still wasn't… well, she was still iffy about her but at least she knew she was good with animals.

That was something at least.

“Can you tell me anything more about her animal work?” She asked, curious despite herself. Her father smiled and she felt one cross her face as well.

**********

Lucifer wasn't blind. He knew that Charlie was upset about many different things but none of them he could fix.

He knew she liked the sinners of Hell for… some reason. He was trying, he really was, to see things from her perspective when it came to them but it was so hard when all the news wanted to talk about was a 24-hour cycle of violence, sex, drugs, and horror that everyone inflicted on everyone else.

If he turned on the TV and heard about one more territorial gang war he was going to lose it.

On top of that, he had an entire dimension sized kingdom to run so if he happened to let Pride fall to the wayside, well, they should have tried better when they were alive. He and Lilith had given them free will and this is what they did with it? Endless debauchery and violence on a scale unimagined?

He had tried his best with them in the early days. He had tried what Charlie was doing right now (granted, the concept of a hotel hadn't been invented yet so it was a little different) and he had gone above and beyond to try and prove to Heaven and Father he hadn't screwed up royally with the Apple.

Granted it had done unspeakable things to Eve but… no, there was no But: he was in here for that forever.

He shook his head, feeling the weight of a hundred eyes on him from all around the room. That happened sometimes when he thought of Eve while down here: he would feel eyes on him from nowhere, a voice on the wind whispering nothing, his Fight Or Flight would start acting up like he was some small prey animal in the presence of a predator…

He didn't like thinking about Eve no matter the location, though Hell was slightly worse than most.

And yet, as he spoke to his daughter about Camila’s vet work, he found himself thinking about a problem that needed direct fixing sooner rather than later.

Camila and Charlie.

He knew Charlie still idolized Lilith and there was nothing wrong with that! But… It made talking about his new girlfriend a bit awkward. He knew that she still hoped that Lilith would come back but it was looking increasingly likely that Lilith would never return to Hell.

He could forgive many things from the woman that he… that if he were honest, a part of him would always love, but hurting Charlie with her negligence like he had was a step too far.

But that was another problem entirely. First he should focus on Camila and Charlie.

He wasn't planning on breaking up with Cam, which meant that she would probably be in his life for a long while. A part of him wanted to just say f*ck it and let everyone deal with the consequences but that was the same selfish part of him that stayed days in bed doing nothing but existing and wishing he didnt.

He would… he would talk to Cam about possibly pushing the families meeting a bit sooner than later. He needed something that they could all do together to get everyone to get along and make peace with one another.

The problem is that he didn't know anything. He didn't really know much of anything outside of Gravesfield and even then, he barely knew Gravesfield. His options for where to have everyone meet were limited when it came to the human world.

Because he would quite literally rather throw himself at his Brother’s ‘mercy’ than bring Camila or her lovely seeming family anywhere near Hell.

He kept his thoughts to himself, however, as he spoke.

Still, he should probably ask her about having a date sometime soon… probably after the dinner since he didn't want to spend time on his phone during family time. He would have to be sneaky about bringing Charlie up to the human world, however. It wouldn't due to arouse Heaven’s suspicions.

If they learnt that he was regularly visiting the human world, or Father forbid if they learnt that he was planning on taking Charlie… well, they wouldn't learn.

They wouldn’t.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

As Lucifer delighted his daughter with tales of cute animals being treated well by a less-than-literal angel, he tried to think of how to solve the many problems before him.

Chapter 19: Interlude: The imps formerly known as I.M.P...

Chapter Text

Wrath was perhaps the wildest and most rugged of the Rings of Hell.

From the moment of its creation, born from the blood and bones that made up Hell itself, it had been a wild frontier of a Ring: Vast volcanoes dotted the landscape, each one holding a molten orb of pure rage that bled liquid magma into the caldera below. They rose and fell with a certainty that one could determine between night and day depending on their height in the sky.

Barely anything grew in Wrath, the heat-scorched ground too baked in many places for plant-life. Those oases of natural splendor were rare and coveted by farms and ranches for their natural bounties.

For everyone else, they relied on the local Goetia to use their vast magic to make crops grow. Plots full of Black Corn, entire grounds covered in Carnivorous Lettuce, groves of Wailing Trees, and vast fields of Bladed Wheat were grown using magic to ensure that the breadbasket of Hell never stopped giving.

Oh, and apples. Apples grew in abundance throughout all of Hell.

Every year the Goetia would gather their local estates and farms together to curse the farms with the light of the True Harvest Moon, ensuring a bumper crop of produce that would feed the hordes of hell for another year.

To be a farmer in Wrath was to be a hardy and simple folk. Though it was slightly easier for Ranchers in that the beasts and monsters of hell were in abundance throughout the wastelands of Wrath. Was it any wonder that Satan’s Paradise was home to the vast majority of imps throughout all of Hell?

They flocked to the scorched ring, starting farming communities or escaping from the suffering of Pride far above. Satan allowed them into his Ring on the promise that they would revere him as a god. And so Impkind worshiped the Strongman of Hell and formed small communities around satanic temples.

In a distant locale of Wrath, bathed in the light of three volcanoes, was a simple ranch owned and operated by the same family since the founding of Wrath itself. Back then imps had simply come up with whatever they wished for a last name and one imp and her family had jokingly said that they had no last name.

And thus was the Knolastname Family, and their ranch simply known as the “Rough N’ Tumbleweed Ranch” born.

Producers of the finest hellboars for several dozen miles, the Knolastnames had ruggedly carved out a simple existence for themselves and found that it was good. They were farmers to their core and nothing at all would change that.

Moxxie Knolastname, he had taken Millie’s name in the marriage, was currently hyperventilating into a paper bag as he watched his very pregnant wife ride a hellboar standing up.

“YEEHAW!” Millie Knolastname, his beloved wife he worshiped every day, was several months pregnant at this point and yet the short woman had only gotten more active in her daily life: throwing herself into physical activities with a smile on her face and a laugh on her lips. Personally, Moxxie would have preferred if she didn't do any of the dangerous activities she had been up to… but at least she agreed to come down to Wrath until the baby was born.

Getting into firefights and bloodbaths would probably not be the best thing for the baby. Not that riding a hellboar around its pen while holding a knife in one hand and the reins in the other while standing up was any better but at least no bullets were flying towards her.

He hyperventilated yet again into the bag and tried not to panic as she reared the hellboar up and brought her knife to its throat with a crazed laugh.

“Calm down, boy.” A meaty hand slapped him on the back, sending him stumbling forward. Joe Knolastname was… well, he was a bit of a hardass. He had once disapproved of Millie and his relationship but now? Now things were, well, slightly better. Sure, he occasionally recommended he hit a gym to bulk up but he no longer vocally disapproved of his relationship.

Helping Millie take on an assassin posing as a farmhand and giving them a grandchild went a long way to mending bridges.

Joe looked down at him with an understanding in his eyes. “Lin was the same way when she was pregnant with Millie, she’ll be fine.” He co*cked his head at the boar wrangling Millie with a smile. “Sign that your kid is gonna be a wild child. You have my sympathies in advance: they're gonna be a handful.”

He let out a despairing wheeze as Millie flipped the boar over in the air, still riding it’s back, and brought it down into a dead stop on the ground.

“Nice one, honey!” Lin Knolastname, Millie’s mother and co-owner of the ranch, said from over by the house. The imp woman was currently sharpening a few knives as she watched her daughter begin fricasseeing the hellboar with a murderous gusto. “You show that beastie who’s boss!”

“Thanks ma!” Millie called out, Standing up from her kill and cracking her back, the babybump on her stomach pronounced. She shook her black locks free of dirt and looked towards him and Joe. “Dinner’s ready!”

He let out a little whine while Joe hopped over the fence and began collecting what meat he could from the messy butcher job Millie had done. Behind them in the other pens, massive and ferocious looking hellboars all cowered in total fear of the return of the destroyer known simply as Millie.

Millie struggled over the fence herself, the baby bump causing her to stumble slightly, before she stood before her adoring husband with a proud smile. “You see that, Moxxie? Five months pregnant and i still got it!”

“I’m-” He swallowed his nerves and fears and offered a shaky smile and a thumbs up that only slightly wobbled. “I’m very happy for you, sweetie.”

She offered a gentle smile, “Mox, I know you’re… not comfortable with me being active while all this is happening, but thanks for understanding.”

He smiled at his lovely wife. “Course, Mil. I’ll always have your back.” Even if he really, really wished she would maybe do less physically strenuous activities while pregnant. He wasn't willing to make an argument over it, however.

Behind her, gathering bloody meat into his arms, Joe offered him a simple nod of his head and he almost fell over crying.

The small family of imps made their way inside where Sallie May Knolastname, proud sister of Millie and local bloodsport aficionado, kicked her feet up on the table and read a rather racy looking romance novel while Barry and Terry Knolastname, elder brothers of the family, grappled and fought on the ground.

The exact reason for their current fight was unclear and long forgotten, they simply fought for fighting's sake.

Larry Knolastname, eldest brother and firstborn child as well as heir to the ranch, was putting the finishing touches on the table while making sure that his brother's fight didn't mess with the plates or utensils.

“‘Bout time y’all came in.” Larry said with a smile, his table setting now finished. “Just got the last of the fine silverware out for dinner. You actually get dinner, Mil?”

Joe went over to start up the oven, getting out homemade cast-iron cookware and beginning to fry up the hellboar meat. “Course she did. She’s a vicious little thing, ain't she?”

“Oh, stop it dad!” Millie complained as he helped his wife into a seat, getting an annoyed glance at his hovering. “Mox, I can sit down fine by myself. I’m pregnant, not injured.”

“I know, I know…” He sighed and offered a shaky smile. “I just… I want to be there for you every step of the way.” Millie smiled at him and he smiled back-

“Simp.” Sallie May said simply, turning a page in her book as he deflated and Millie glared at her sister.

“Big talk for someone whose last relationship was several years ago.” She snarked and Sallie May simply co*cked an eyebrow over her book and grinned co*ckily.

“That you know of.”

“... what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Yeah, Sallie May.” Lin leveled a stern glance at her younger daughter, causing the imp to startle. “What does that mean?”

Sallie May looked at all her family members staring at her, even Barry and Terry, and simply sighed. “sh*t, shouldn’t have said that.”

As Lin grilled her younger daughter about any and all potential relationships she didn't know about, Larry came forward with a glass of water and a nervous look on his face.

“So sis, i was thinking…” He coughed into his fist and tried to look serious. “I don’t know if you have thought about who you’re going to make the hellfather, but i’d like to throw my hat into the ring as-”

He and his wife smiled at one another as Millie cut her brother off. “Actually, we know exactly who we’re going to make the hellfather. He may be a bit… much, but we couldn’t think of anyone better for the job.”

Moxxie sighed and chuckled to himself. “Blitz is definitely more than a bit much, but we kind of talked it over and wanted him to be the hellfather from jump.”

Larry looked disappointed briefly before a sly smile crossed his face. “Then I guess I'll have to be the favorite uncle, then.”

“Satan’s mercy you aint!” Barry and Terry both launched themselves at their brother and began a three way war for the future title of favorite uncle.

Moxxie simply smiled at the scene.

His childhood had been… nightmarish was one way to put it, that was for sure. He had fled the family business first chance he got after getting out of Mammon’s Funtime Prison Industrial Complex alongside Blitz and never once looked back. The family business was not for him, the Ring of Greed wasn't for him. He left for pride alongside his newfound friend and made a pitstop in Wrath where he met the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and the rest, as they say, was history.

Oh, for sure, Joe and Lin hadn’t liked him at first but it was fine. They didn't hate him, he knew for a fact what hatred felt like thanks to Crimson, so he knew he had a chance of winning them over and getting the happy family life he had always wanted. And now he had a child on the way, his in-laws liked him… well, they didn't treat him coldly any more, and he had a well paying job with a boss who may have been eccentric out the ears but was at the end of the day a far sight better than any of the thugs, mules, enforcers, and hitmen he had grown up around.

Blitz would be a good hellfather… even if he was going to be insufferably smug about being picked.

‘Speak of Satan and he shall appear…’ he thought to himself as his phone began to ring, the familiar circus tunes playing out as Blitz called him.

He opened the phone and began to speak. “Sir, i know it’s been a few weeks but-” A veritable wall of noise came out of the phone and he pulled away to get a better listen. “Sorry, sorry, what?”

Millie kicked her feet back and forth as her father finally finished his prep for the future meal of Barbecue they would all enjoy. “So, Y’all think about names yet?” he asked from his position at the stove.

“We’ve actually been struggling with that for a bit.” Millie explained, downing her glass of water quickly. “Been looking online for any that speak up but haven't seen any.”

“I’m sorry, what happened to the business?” Moxxie asked, his brow furrowed as he walked back and forth.

“Ain't gonna find a good name on your interwebs or whatever.” Joe said, frowning down as he added brown sugar and butter to the pan to make the hellboar meat extra tasty. “Didn't have any of that new-fangled Voxxerwebs or whatever when we came up with y’alls names now did we, hun?”

“Sure didn't, sweetie.” Lin said, temporarily stopping her grilling of Sallie May to turn to her elder daughter. “We just threw a bunch of names into a hat and pulled them out each time one of y’all was born.”

Moxxie immediately began to choke on air as his eyes bulged out and he clawed at his throat with his freehand.

“You’re kidding, that’s how we all got our names?” Millie asked, shocked as even Sallie May looked at their mom oddly.

“Gotta admit, that's kinda weird that we didn't get wacked out names or anything.” The younger daughter said before she threw a confused glance at Moxxie. “Is… is, um, your husband alright or anything?”

Millie turned around in her chair to look at a horrified and shocked Moxxie who was scrambling to not drop his phone. “Babe, everything alri-”

“What do you mean I.M.P. Doesn’t exist anymore!?” He screeched, his voice reaching a higher octave than normal.

EVeryone paused before the silence was broken by Sallie May laughing herself silly, sinking into her chair as she loudfly guffawed. Joe turned around and began filling a cup full of beer, a sigh of disappointment on his lips. “Knew an imp running his own business was a recipe for trouble…” He grumbled to himself.

The brothers stopped their war as Larry loudly proclaimed “Satan yes! I still have a chance!”

“Mox, is that true?” Millie was absolutely shocked, they hadn't even been gone a month yet!

“Blitz just said that the business is shuttered and gone now, royal orders.” He said listlessly, a growing panic in his voice. “Oh crumbs, we’re jobless hobos now!”

“Like hell I'm letting my daughter be a hobo, y’all can stay here and work the farm like Satan intended.” Lin said seriously, crossing her arms and nodding to herself. Joe just settled into his chair and began to drink from his beer glass.

“Mox won't last a week.” Sallie May said simply with an impish smile, causing Millie to glare at her sister.

“I don't understand, sir! We were only gone a- Wait, what?” Moxxie held the phone to his ear and listened before his eyes bulged out and he dropped the phone entirely.

Before anyone could respond he dropped to the ground and scrambled to pick up the phone, pressing it tightly to his ear with a wild look on his face.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE WORK FOR THE MORNINGSTARS NOW!?” Moxxie screeched like a banshee.

Silence descended for a few moments until Joe dropped his cup and started coughing hard, the porcelain shattering on the wooden floor. Lin gasped, staring at her son in law with shocked eyes. Sallie May blinked a bit and co*cked her head to the side with a simple "Bullsh*t.”

Larry, Barry, and Terry all stopped their fight on the floor, shocked looks on their face as they stared at their sister and brother-in-law.

Millie? She immediately scrambled out of her chair, pressing her face flush against his and practically yanked the phone towards her, the screen cracking slightly with how hard she was gripping it. “What'dya mean we work for the Royal Family!?” She yelled, her accent tripling in thickness from shock.

**********

“I mean we work for the peak of royalty now! We're basically the greatest imps who ever lived now! Satan himself will be looking at us in respect!” Blitz was reclining in his swivel chair, spinning around lazily as he talked to his missing employees… did they still count as employees or coworkers now?

Eh, he would figure it out later.

All the personal effects and knicknacks he had collected over his life were now stored away in boxes as his desk was being carried out by flying red goat demons that looked more like stuffed toys than any demon he’d ever seen in his life. Pretty strong bastards too, they didn't even break a sweat as the two miniature demons lifted the oaken desk up and out of the room.

Loona was currently emptying out her desk alongside… Was it Vaggie or Maggie? He hadn’t exactly been paying attention when they first met and they’d spent the entire trip over with her grilling him about every aspect of his life and looking for any reason to kick him and Loona to the curb.

She did not like the two of them. Which was fair, he didn't like her either so far.

“Sir, how in the f*ck did we end up going from assassins to bodyguards in the span of a month!?” Moxxie, poor and smooth-brained Moxxie, asked all the way from Wrath. He threw a bouncy ball into the air and caught it with a grin.

“Well, first of all: we were never assassins, it never happened at all and nothing you say can change that. Secondly: Loona and I saved the King of Hell himself from a crazy homeless man with a knife and got rewarded by not dying!”

“... how does that at all-”

“Then,” he continued, blatantly ignoring Mox as he spoke aloud his recollection of events. “We made our way over to the princesses' big hotel and applied for a job. You should’ve seen it, Mox! It was glorious…” Blitz coughed into a fist and began his tale

**********

Blitz, mighty and glorious, strode into the Happy Hotel like a greek god atop a burning Hellsteed. The creature was midnight black with liquid flame all around it as it pranced and danced its way into the hotel just like he had taught it to.

“I have decided that the assassination game is too boring, and that I wish to do right by Hell and protect the Princess.” He said, his all natural horns curling gracefully down his back.

“Growl.” Said the gray-skinned sinner Maggie, hunched over like a gremlin and glaring at everything around her. “Growl, snarl snarl, growl.”

“Maggie is right, we are super grateful you’ll be here to protect us.” Charlie Morningstar was sitting on a literal rainbow, quieves puppies frolicking around her as phoenixes rested on her arms and trilled birdsong with her every word. “Though I would like to know your references.”

“My references?” He scoffed, his laugh powerful and absolutely masculine, his horse Buttercup whinnying in amusem*nt at someone doubting his master. “You don't need my references! I can kill anyone anywhere, and I'm the first imp to ever run his own business as his own boss!”

“Growl?” Maggie the sinner asked, her head co*cked to the side. “Snarl, snarl growl.”

“That is impressive, you’re right again Maggie.” Charlie reached into hammerspace and drew out a flank of steak, throwing it to the sinner who grabbed it with her teeth and began to death-roll like an alligator.

“I can’t believe that I'm in the presence of the greatest imp to ever live!” Charlie descended from her rainbow, babies laughing and flowers blooming around her hooves as she stepped onto the ground. “Tales of how you brave the human world have reached even my ears and I got to say: My dad was totally wrong, you guys rock!”

“It’s just the job, princess.” He said, cleaning his teeth with a toothpick like an absolute badass. “And now my job is protecting you from whatever dangers threaten you.”

“That's so wonderful!” Charlie reached into her pockets and began hurling diamonds at him. “Have all the money in Hell you glorious cut of beef, you!”

“You see that, that's why my dad is the best!” Loony said happily from behind him, staring at him like he personally wrestled God and gave him a noogie while she wore her “My dad could beat up your dad!” Shirt that he had bought her one sinmas that he never saw her wore. Except now she was because she was so proud of him.

“That’s right my darling daughter who can do no wrong!” He said proudly, reaching down to ruffle her mane while she laughed and started singing his praises. “I am the best!”

Buttercup whinnied in agreement and everyone laughed with him about how great he was.

“You sure are, Blitz.” A grand procession came forth as Lucifer stood at the head of the royal guard, his expression amused from atop his golden throne carried by a hundred sinners. “And in recognition of your services I have decided to make a grand reversal of fortune.”

Stolas, big and beautiful arrogant Stolas, was led in on a leash while he bowed before him like royalty. “Blitz, I know that I have only ever seen you as a toy but that stops now. I have decided to make you the newest head of my house while I become your lowly servant.”

“So now you shall understand how it feels to be caught up in a royals web.” He nodded to himself and Stolas preened. “No more derogatory names or treating me like a toy, from now on you shall treat me like an equal.”

“Of course, my lord Blitz.” Stolas bowed while the Morningstars approached.

“Blitz, for being such a stand up guy we have decided that you and your daughter shall be named Demons Of The Century for being so great and awesome.” Lucifer explained while a literal beam of light shot down from Heaven and wrapped around Princess Charlie like a blanket.

“I can't wait to work for you, Blitz. Your horns are huge and absolutely all natural.” She said with a titter.

“What can i say: I’m too much man for most to handle.” He bragged while his horns, now so long and large that they reached the floor and now curled back up to meet his chin, shone in the light. Maggie, now covered from head to toe in blood, hopped over and handed her spear to him.

“Growl.” She explained, nodding. “Growl snarl.”

He held the spear up high, Buttercup rearing up with a loud cry so he looked absolutely amazing, while Stolas clung to his legs like a demure maiden from those books that Barbie pretended she never read. Everyone clapped for him and chanted his name.

“Blitz! Blitz! Blitz! Blitz… Blitz… Blitz?”

**********

“Blitz? Are you even listening to me? That's not at all what happened.”

He was so stuck in explaining his accurate summation of events that Loona was able to sneak up on him and grab the phone out of his hands. “Hey! I was still using that!”

“Loona, is that you?” Moxxie said from the other end. “I was sort of waiting for somebody to tell me the truth about what happened to make us work for the Morningstars and-”

“What happened was that Blitz opened the door, threw away the careful speech i had written for him, and then threw himself at the princesses hooves to complain about loosing the business and how he ‘needed to provide for me’ so if she could please hire us before we become homeless that would be great.” Loona, his darling traitor of a daughter, shot holes into his absolutely similar to reality and 99% accurate retelling of events.

“It could've happened that way…” He crossed his arms petulant and frowned into the distance.

“No, Blitz.” She said, leveling a Look at him. “No it couldn't.”

“So… Do we still have jobs?” Millie asked from over the phone, the pregnant imp sounding terrified. “Please tell me we still have jobs!”

“That is… a great question.” Loona turned to look at him with a confused expression. “I mean, we lied to the king about you both working for us to save you from execution-”

“Wait, hold on, what!?” Moxxie screeched, his voice audible even from where he sat.

“Do that again and I'm hanging up.” Loona snarled before pinching the space between her eyes. “Basically, it's unclear if you still have jobs but the answer is probably… probably.”

“Well that's… something I guess.” Moxxie sounded so confused about everything that he didn't know whether to laugh or ask after him, so he settled for continuing to throw the ball into the air over and over. “Should we come back, or-”

Blitz let the ball fall to the ground as he scrambled out of the chair, yanking the phone back out of Loona’s hands as he shoved her away. “You and Mil just stay cooped up in Wrath, you crazy kids you. Feel free to visit after the Extermination though.”

“Also,” He stared down at the phone with a look of determination. “Since me and Loony now work for the King of Hell, it means if you choose anyone but me for Hellfather you’ll be cursed for several generations!”

Silence carried over the line for several moments. “Sir, you were always-”

“What was that, Moxxie? Of course the man who just got us all a job with the big boss of hell himself is going to be the hellfather? Oh, you shouldn't have!”

“Sir-”

“Tell Millie’s sh*tty brothers they can suck it! I’m hellfather now bitch!” He cut the call and collapsed down into the swivel chair once more, spinning around with a laugh. Loona rolled her eyes and went back to packing up her things while the door to their (former) office opened once more and Maggie the sinner strolled in with her ever present scowl on her face.

“I was waiting for several minutes- where were you two?” She asked, fists on her hips while the two flying squeaky toys dove in and began collecting boxes like Mammon Brand Gachamon.

He grinned and rolled the swivel chair out till he was looking up at Maggie. “Well, Maggie-”

“I have told you a hundred times it’s Vaggie.”

“Vaggie, then.” He continued as he rolled his way over to the company fridge, pulling out an energy drink before one of the flying goat butlers pulled the entire fridge up and added it to the impossibly big pile of boxes and equipment they were carrying without any struggle at all. “See Vaggie, an absolute baller like me has many friends-”

“No, he doesn't.” Loona said simply as she stuffed her monitor down into her box of personal effects.

“-and so i was simply telling future employees of mine that we’ll be working for the princess for the foreseeable future.” He finished grumpily, shooting a small glare at Loona who simply shrugged her shoulders.

Vaggie sighed and pinched her nose. “So you’re saying that you were on the phone this entire time while I was getting your van ready for transport?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” He said, bringing the swivel chair back towards her. “Shoulda brought the spider slu*t with you.”

“Angel dust was too busy flirting with the Lust hellborn fixing up the hotel to come along.” She said simply, trying to ignore the memory of his terribly horny flirting with the incubi who had come on Asmodeus’ orders. Already, a lot of the cracks and detritus of the hotel was gone and they were fixing it up under Charlie’s supervision.

Although it was taking forever because Angel kept distracting the hellborn with his… himself.

He shrugged, not knowing enough about the fluffy spider guy to determine whether he liked him or not. He was obnoxiously horny but had yet to talk down to him for being an Imp and he hadn't flirted with Loony so he was leaning towards liking the guy.

The spider had flirted with him though, so that was nice.

“Look,” Vaggie said, trying to keep calm as she paced around the rapidly emptying room. “I can't fill the Van more than I already have so we’ll need to start tying things to the roof before we can leave.” She leveled a stern glance at the both of them. “I am going to need your full cooperation and assistance with this, no more distractions.”

There was a knock on the door and she sighed in annoyance. “Or we could just have even more distractions. Screw it, why not?”

Whoever was on the other side knocked again while Blitz remained in his swivel chair and Loona kept packing up. “Are either of you going to get that?” Vaggie asked, her eye twitching.

“Nah, I'm not a secretary anymore.” Loona said simply.

“I would but it’s just so far away…” He said with an impish grin, reaching out and waving his hand through the air as he pretended to reach for the door.

Vaggie sighed even harder this time and marched over to the door, throwing it open and glaring at whoever was on the other side. “I.M.P is closed, come back later.”

“Whatever do you mean it’s closed?” A beautifully annoyingly familiar voice said from the hallway and he jumped to his feet and rushed over to see Stolas, big and beautiful haughty Stolas, looking confused in his fine red garments that looked like they cost more than his entire apartment.

“Stolas, what are you doing here?” He asked, refusing to admit how happy he was to see the giant Goetia again. But he was confused because why in Hell would he be here? He had ruined everything by not going to the hospital like he ruined every other relationship he had ever had.

Not that they had a relationship, mind you, because Stolas saw him as a toy and nothing more. So technically he hadn’t ruined anything because there was nothing there to ruin.

Christ on a stick, he was lonely…

“Oh sh*t, Stolas is here?” Loona came over and looked around behind him. “‘Tavia here at all?”

“Right here, Loona.” Octavia, heiress of the Noble House Of Stolas, peaked around from behind her father and smiled at her fellow goth. “Thought i would swing by when I learned dad was coming over here. Haven’t seen you in forever.”

Loona hopped over and the two goths, one a hellhound and the other an avian Goetia, made their way down the hall as they talked about weird taxidermy and occult magic together.

Stolas smiled at the sight, his beak shining in the light of the overhead. “I… Well, I am glad that she had more friends. Most of her old ones left when… certain things about me came out.”

“You mean when you and I boned for the first time?” He asked with a co*cked eyebrow and a sly grin, taking guilty delight at how the tall Goetia noble blushed and squirmed. The full impact of what he was implying hit him a second later and he winced. “sh*t, sorry about-”

“No, no no, it’s fine. Well, i mean, it's not fine but it is what it is.” Stolas said with an awkward chuckle. The beautiful co*cky noble scratched the back of his head. “Nobility isn't… well, noble’s aren’t always noble if you understand my meaning.”

“Honestly, I haven't met many other than Charlie so I wouldn’t know.” Vaggie inserted herself expertly into the conversation, leaning against the doorframe and looking up at the giant Goetia demon. “Hi, Vaggie.” She thrust out a hand.

Stolas blinked, looking down at the offered hand and reached out to shake it. “I… actually think i remember you from our princesses coronation, you were the sinner she made us give a temporary pass to the lower rings.”

“Yep, that’s me.”

“Allow me to introduce myself properly to our princesses' paramour.” Stolas made a sweeping bow, his black top hat almost falling off of his feathery head as he leaned over in front of her. “My name is Stolas, of the Noble House Of Stolas. It is a true pleasure to meet the one who has caught our princesses’ eye.”

A genuine smile appeared on Vaggie’s face as she dropped into an impressive curtsy, the sinner and the Goetia showed respect to one another and he felt… strange about it. Resentful that the sinner had never shown him an ounce of that respect and yet strangely happy that Stolas and she got along.

It was weird and confusing and he did what he did with all emotions he didn't like: Bottled them up and forced them deep down where they couldn't bother him anymore.

“Well isnt this just a nice little picture.” He forced himself between the two of them and brought his arms over their shoulders, bringing them close to him as he smiled at the two. “Vaggie, Stolas. Stolas, Vaggie. She’s kind of a coworker of mine now.”

“Oh, you work with Blitz now?” Stolas asked and he blinked. No Blitzy? No horny bird flirting? Just… his name and what almost felt like respect? Life had certainly gotten odd since he and Loona date-crashed the king.

“You… could say that, I guess.” Vaggie looked confused as she got out of his grip and looked the two of them over. “So what's the deal with-”

The two flying toys came by laden with more boxes and materials than a team of strongmen could carry, flying out towards the stairway as the elevator would never hold them up. They flew past the three of them and made their way downwards as they continued the task that literally everyone else involved with had abandoned.

“Oh, sh*t! I gotta make sure they don't break the van!” Vaggie rushed off. “If you guys break it we’ll be trapped here for days!”

The two of them watched her go before looking at one another again. A million emotions roared through his heart and he smothered them all in a wave of professional disinterest.

“Sup.”

The Goetia looked confused. “Are you and your little team moving out?”

How to tell your kind-of sort-of boyfriend except not really that you did the one thing he asked you not to: get caught, and by the one demon you never wanted to learn what you were doing? Simple, you don't. “Something like that.” He said instead of an answer. “What brings your bird ass over, anyway?”

Stolas hesitated and waffled before finally blurting out, “I would like to offer you something!”

He blinked and Stolas looked pained and heartbroken as he began speaking softly. “I… have been a terrible bore. I treated you like, like you would always be at my beck and call and it’s… it’s not right!”

Whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn't that. His mind began to bluescreen as Stolas began to… apologize.

To him.

“I… I have done a lot of thinking these past few months, about the… transactional nature of our relationship.” The beautiful bird breathed in and out, wringing his fluffy hands together as he looked him in the eye like he mattered. “I want… I want you, Blitz. But I don't want you just because I have the book you need.”

He reached into his back pocket and brought out an asmodean crystal, the pink gem shining in the light. “I pulled some strings and… I managed to get you this. It’s… a replacement for the book.”

Stolas looked ready to cry. “You don't need the book anymore with this. You can give it back to me and we can… we can never speak to each other again if that would be what you prefer. You wont need me anymore with this so if you never wish to see me again it will now be in your power.”

The big, beautiful bastard offered the gem out to him like a prized diamond, except it was so much more than that. “You may give me back the book at any time you please… and we can go our separate ways. Though if you would like to start over… Well, I would very much prefer that we start over.” He looked him right in the eyes. “Because no matter how much I love you, I want you to decide.”

It was everything he had ever wanted out of Stolas. It was… it was everything he had wished for: Confirmation Stolas cared, freedom from under his thumb, a way to become equal to the beautiful bird, a tool to cut all the strings pulling him. It was everything he had wanted.

A storm of emotions roared through him as he stared at the gem, his eyes never once leaving the pink crystal in fear of breaking down if he even glanced at Stolas. Stolas, who cared about him. Stolas who cared enough to do this.

Stolas, who he had hurt over and over thinking he didn't care at all.

Stolas, who he had left alone in the hospital because he thought the bird didn't give a sh*t about him other than sex.

Stolas, who he had callously left alone after the disaster at Ozzie’s because… because he had never once believed himself worthy of love. Not from Fizzi, not from Verosika, and not from Stolas.

He ruined everything he touched, destroyed lives simply by entering them… I mean, Stolas said it himself: simply by sleeping with the bird bastard his daughter’s social life was ruined! If that wasn't a sign he was cursed goods then he didn't know what was.

Maybe his father was right… maybe he did deserve the back of his hand all those times during childhood. Maybe he was just a leech that dragged everyone down just by existing.

Maybe he deserved Cash’s belt.

He ruined everything and yet here was Stolas offering him everything he had wanted out of the Goetia. No more Blitzy’s, no more transactional f*cking, no more being treated like a pet.

Just Stolas. Just his love.

Love.

Why in Hell would Stolas ever do this? He knew the answer but couldn't accept it at all. His feelings were reciprocated. Why? Why in Hell would Stolas care about him in the first place?

He stared at the gem that was a sign of everything he had ever wanted to ask for. All the emotions raging inside him fought for dominance and he felt his mouth open and words come out without his say so.

“I.M.P. Doesn't exist anymore.”

Stolas blinked, his eyes confused as he just looked at… at the imp he loved. “I beg your pardon?”

“We, uh, we got found out on our last mission and now we’re changing jobs to a bodyguard service.” He said casually, his voice low and even as he struggled to get a handle on his emotions.

Stolas looked at him and then glanced down at the gem. “So, ah…”

“Yeah, I don't really need the gem anymore.” He explained, his knees shaking slightly.

Stolas blinked again before the full force of his words hit him and he dropped the gem and grabbed ahold of him by the shoulders, shaking him slightly as his beak practically pressed against his face. “You were found out!?” He hissed, his voice panicked and yet quiet as he threw a nervous glance towards the elevator and stairwell for any signs of demons coming forward. “Who found you!?”

“The… ah, king himself?” He offered lamely, a nervous smile on his face.

Stolas’ feathers puffed up in agitation as he dropped him and began to pace back and forth anxiously. “The king himself!?” He began to hyperventilate. “If it gets out I helped you, I'm done for. Forget losing custody of Octavia, I'll be killed as a traitor to hell itself!” The bird began to freak out before something occurred to him and he rushed over to him.

“You- you’re alright, yes? The king didn't hurt you, did he? I don't- I don't want you to be hurt!”

And now the Goetia was worried. For him.

Because he cared about him for some reason. Love, the reason was love.

A million more emotions raged in him as he tried to comfort the Goetia. “Hey, hey, I'm okay. I managed to impress the king and none of us are getting executed.”

“Is,” Stolas swallowed nervously, still looking worried for him. “Does this have anything to do with your job change?”

“Actually… yeah.” He admitted. “I work for the princess now as a bodyguard.”

Stolas blinked and stared at him. “You… work for the Morningstars now?”

He nodded.

“You got found breaking the laws of Hell… and Lucifer Morningstar offered you a job?”

He nodded again.

Stolas let out a confused noise halfway between a hoot and a squeak. “Why?”

“I might have-” Wait, sh*t, does the king want to keep his date underwraps? He shouldnt test his luck with Lucifer again. “Actually, I can't say. Classified.” He shrugged. “You know how it is.”

Stolas looked at him before a nervous giggle left his beak. “I’m- I’m glad you’re happy.” A sad look crossed his face. “I guess… I guess you won't be needing this then?” He reached down and picked back up the asmodean crystal.

A look of pain mixed with happiness was on the beautiful bastard's face as he wavered slightly. “I… if you don't want to see me after this then-” He swallowed before continuing. “Then I'll understand. I treated you… most terribly and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to see me.” He laughed, a bitter and broken thing that sounded in pain. “Of course I would never keep Octavia from continuing her friendship with your daughter and I hope you feel the same, so we can just be… acquaintances. Professional acquaintances who know each other and nothing more.”

Stolas turned to leave and something in him broke.

Anger, it was anger.

“You absolute piece of sh*t!” He yelled out, causing the bird to slump even further. “You don't get to just cut me out of your life after dropping all of that on me!”

Stolas actually stopped and turned around, something in his eyes that couldn't be identified.

“Oh no, you were a rich royal asshole! Big f*cking deal!” He stomped forward and began to poke the bird in his fancy vested chest. “I’m poison to everyone around me and yet you still wanted to be with me! I’ve been thinking for months you didn't even like me and now you not only drop this on me you go, ‘Oh bluh bluh, i'm just gonna leave and never talk to him again!’ Are you high!?”

He was snarling, rage and anger and love and comfort rushing through him as he glared up at the bastard who… who had a stranglehold on his emotions. “You don't get to decide if I want to keep you in my life or not, asshole! If i want to kiss you on your beautiful beak then you better believe i'll do it! In public! Where everyone can see!”

Stolas stared at him and there was actual hope in his eyes. “You… you want to kiss me?”

“Of course I want to kiss you, you absolute piece of sh*t!” Oh Satan was he blushing? He was absolutely blushing before the giant bird. This was terrible. “You said you loved me so guess what? You’re stuck with me now whether you like it or not!”

Stolas looked at him and a hoot escaped his beak, more and more slipping out before he was straight up laughing to himself. “Hell have mercy, i’m still being a terrible boyfriend aren't I?”

“Yeah, well, i'm also a terrible boyfriend so I guess it works out I guess.” He crossed his arms and looked away, still blushing despite himself.

“I guess we should- start over then?”

He looked back at the beautiful Goetia and smiled co*ckily, a devil-may-care attitude leaking out of him. “Sup, the name’s Blitzø, the ø is silent. You come here often, beautiful?”

Stolas just stared for several moments before giggling like a schoolboy. “That was terrible.”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“Because it was terrible.”

“Still haven’t told me your name, beautiful.”

Stolas smiled and offered a dainty hand to him. “Stolas, head of the most Noble House Of Stolas. Charmed to make your acquaintance.”

“Oh, you'll be meeting more of me than that.” He winked and the Goetia laughed, blushing like crazy. He frowned up at him when a stray thought crossed his mind. “So, about the kissing thing-”

Stolas looked down at him nervously. “Do… Do you still want to?”

The two demons awkwardly stared at one another before he began to lean in, Stolas leaning down to meet him as their lips and beak reached one another-

“Oh, for the love of Hell could you two just get a room!?”

Stolas and him broke apart with shock, turning to look at Loona and Octavia standing at the end of the hallway. Octavia had her beanie pulled down over her eyes while Loona looked annoyed at the two of them.

“Seriously, we leave the two of you alone for five minutes and you start having a giant sappy talk and try to kiss each other like a couple of virgins?” Loona looked annoyed, crossing her arms while Octavia just let out a noise of pure despair.

“Please, just go find a motel if you want to sort out whatever the hell the two of you are.” Octavia said simply, turning around to show her back to them both. “Like, I'm happy you’re happy dad but… I don't want to see you stick your tongue down his throat. Again.”

Stolas blushed and tugged at his collar with embarrassment. “Well, I'll… try to keep it to a minimum, my little owlet.”

“Don't make a promise you can’t keep.” He said with another co*cky grin, enjoying the way the giant demon squirmed. Stolas cared about him, he didn't deserve it but he had the giant demon's love. He was… happy? Yeah, he was definitely happy.

Things were looking up for him right now: He was definitely going to be the hellfather to M and M’s little tyke, Stolas loved him, he was working with royalty, Stolas loved him, he wasn't going to be punished for breaking Hell’s laws… did he mention that Stolas loved him?

Because Stolas f*cking loved him.

Nothing could break his happiness right now!

The elevator opened up and Vaggie stepped out, an annoyed expression on her face as the two goat butlers fluttered about like a halo. “So the van broke down and now we’re stuck here.” She explained casually before glancing up and seeing the odd tableau around her. “Did… did I miss something?”

“Yeah, hold that thought- You broke my van!?” Okay, he was wrong, something could in fact make him less happy about Stolas loving him. “Why is the van broken!?”

“Because despite telling you both that I needed help setting it up, you both decided to hang out rather than actually do the one thing I asked you to.” She said, annoyance in her voice.

“So now my van is broken and we’re stuck here!?” He squawked out, angry despite learning that Stolas loved him.

He was never going to get over that no matter what. Him, a living failure of a demon, had the love of a Goetia. Even his van being broken couldn't ruin things.

Though it could certainly try.

“Yes, we’re stuck here.” She glared at him. “Because, again, neither of you helped me!”

“Now now, lets all settle down.” Stolas stepped between the two of them, holding out fluffy hands to try and calm them down. “You may all stay at my estate for the night while I send for… what are they called? Mechanics? Yes, while I send for them you may stay with us for the night.”

“Oh, thank you.” Vaggie looked grateful and did another curtsy. "I, I don't know what to say."

Stolas waved her away. “Nonsense, my dear. Even if you weren’t the princesses’ paramour I would let you stay. You're Blitz’s friend after all.”

“Friend is a strong word…”

“Coworker then.” The Goetia smiled at her. “Come, come. I'll have some servants swing by to finish up the loading and we’ll get you all situated for the night.”

Vaggie smiled. “Well, this might not be a total loss.”

“Oh, it will be.” Loona grabbed ahold of her shoulder and offered a look of pure pain. “You'll wish you were sleeping on the streets before the night's done.”

Vaggie rose an eyebrow, raising it further when Octavia nodded sadly. “Tonight will be horrible.”

“And… that is because…?” The one eyed woman asked.

“My father and Blitz just confirmed their love for one another and are now going to spend the evening in the same home: what do you think is going to happen?” Octavia asked and a look of worry crossed Vaggie’s face.

“Well, I mean, so long as they’re not loud-”

“They are.”

Vaggie looked pained. “Oh.”

“This is going to be the hardest night of my life.” The Goetia heiress said sadly while Loona typed away at her phone.

“I'm just going to get a hotel.” The hellhound said and both Vaggie and Octavia immediately began to beg her to take them with her.

Chapter 20: Double Date: Part 1

Chapter Text

Raine Clawthorne, once head of the Bard Coven, turned head of the Bards Against the Throne, turned head of the Covens Against the Throne, and now head of the entire Boiling Isles, briefly considered whether or not simply riding out into the sunset and never looking back would be at all possible.

“... need to face the facts: we cannot return to the times of tyranny that ensnared us for so many decades.” Who the person before them was, well, Raine didn't actually remember. Derwin had told them and then a bunch of councilors had started arguing like they always did and now here they all were listening to an hour long soliloquy about freedom and liberty.

They would have liked it so much more if it weren’t for the reason this entire oration, belabored as it was, had even come up.

“Friends!” The multi-eyed demon said loudly, turning all around the room to all the new elected representatives and councilors that made up the new Republic of the Isles. “Titanfolk, witches and demons one and all: lend me your ears and tell me that I am wrong! Tell me that any in this room would prefer the tyrant Belos, that they would like to return to when our magic was restricted and our lives regimented. Tell me-”

He went on and on, and, at some point, they just stopped listening entirely. They looked around at all the others in the room and found that many of them were also nodding off.

“Our new Sovereign, long may they reign, has brought us to the first pitfall of any burgeoning home of the free: what to do when your monarch is wrong.” The multi-eyed demon, in their snazzy looking suit, cast a wide arm around the room. “Titanfolk, is it not right for us to question authority? Is that not what the Owl Lady preached? Should we not follow her example? Friends, we-”

They cut him off. “We’re not changing the emblem on the flag,” Raine Whispers, duly appointed Sovereign of the Republic Of The Isles by popular demand, said simply before they sighed deeply and sank into their throne. It was a simple one, no bigger than any of the other seats in the room, so as not to give them a big head.

That book Luz had given them, about some human country named Camelot, had made very sure to insist that a good and noble ruler ensured their subjects had equal say. There wasn't a round table big enough to fit the room so a round room was made instead.

“Tyrant!” the demon shouted. “The voice of the people has spoken, and it says that the flag is hideous and we need to change it!”

“We’ve changed the flag several times already!” one of the councilors from Glandula shouted out. “We can't keep changing it every time someone complains!”

“Then we have already lost our civil liberties!” the multi-eyed demon shouted out. “First we cannot change our flag and then what’s next? We can't change our leaders? Our Sovereign? Will we be moved about like pieces on a game board for some sick noble’s game!?”

And once again the Round Room fell into in-fighting and argument.

Raine would never wish to return to the Time of Tyranny… but by the Titan did they wish they could get away with just telling people to shut up and never talk about it ever again.

They hadn’t wanted the job; they had wanted to just safely retire and sleep for weeks and weeks cuddled up to Eda. Except everyone went crazy in the aftermath of the Emperor turning into a “giant kaiju” as Luz so eloquently put it (note to self: find out what a kaiju is) and nearly destroying the entire Boiling Isles for the second time in half a year.

Terra Snapdragon had wanted to be Empress, Hettie Cutburn had wanted to be Empress, Adrian Graye Vernworth had wanted to resurrect the Emperor and start a new crusade against all the non-believers… It was crazy. Raine had just wanted one moment of quiet to marry Eda and retire to the Owl House for the rest of their days.

Except doing that would lead to one of the Emperor’s lackeys taking over so they had rolled up their sleeves, taken their anxiety potions, and promptly got sh*t done. Through Derwin and Amber, because the idea of talking to the entire Boiling Isles all at once was still a terrifying experience despite going through two apocalypses and an attempted genocide.

And now here they were in the new capital of Bonesborough, in a rather quickly constructed capital building that they had fought tooth and nail to not have it resemble a castle.

The building was entirely circular, with a massive dome that topped the building. Many columns and arches held up the building and all around it were statues dedicated both to the nine forms of magic but also to the many ways said magic could mix and match into new, entirely unheard of forms.

In the center of the building, past the offices and meeting rooms, was a colossal chamber with many slowly rising tiers holding a number of equally sized and spartan thrones for all the elected representatives and councilors that the many towns and cities of the Isles had decided would represent them the best. Above the chamber was a beautiful mosaic of wild witches practicing multi-magic throughout the ages, while the center stage of the chamber, where members of the new Government or even anyone with an appointment could speak, was a massive glyph-circle that once would have produced a dazzling display of magical beauty.

Now it was simply decorative.

Raine had tried, oh how they had tried, to get away with having their throne simply be another one in the crowd: one that was just… there. One that anyone could mistake for anyone else’s. They had wanted it to be something that the people to their sides could sometimes be confused by and accidentally take as their own.

Unfortunately, life didn't happen like that.

What happened instead was that Raine had a whole vertical row to themselves. Though they had shut down any and all attempts to build a raised platform underneath their throne as that would defeat the entire purpose of having the Sovereign be a servant of the people, rather than just another Belos.

And now here the mature enby sat, holding their head in one hand as the other drummed divots into the arm of their throne as the entire council chamber dissolved into in-fighting over the pettiest of things.

Again.

‘Titan, what I would give for a distraction…’ they thought to themselves as a comforting weight settled itself upon their shoulders.

‘My witch is hurting again,’ Tilly, their red fox palisman that for so long had been hidden away as a simple violin head to avoid Belos devouring him, rubbed his head against their face as his words appeared in their head. They were constantly amazed at how soft and fluffy a creature made out of magical wood was, and yet petting Tilly was like petting a real fox.

“I’m just annoyed at everything,” they said, scratching the top of the Palisman’s head, still amazed at being able to do this after hiding them for so many years. They mused to themself, “I kind of thought ruling the Isles would be easier than trying to overthrow a tyrannical dictator and yet-”

“IT IS OUR TITAN GIVEN RIGHT TO COMPLAIN IF WE WANT TO!” a councilor yelled at the top of their lungs as several other witches and demons began shouting about marching into the Bonesborough Library and ripping up the new constitution of the Isles.

“I WILL SEE YOU ALL IN COURT FOR THIS!”

“WHY DON'T YOU GO JOIN THE TITAN-TRAPPERS YOU SWINE!”

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK!”

“...And yet here we are,” they said, annoyed, as Tilly curled up in their lap and looked up at them with understanding.

“Should Tilly go find Eda?” he asked them, his voice full of curiosity. “Eda will be able to make them all stop.”

“Eda would probably try to solve all of this by storming the building and punching people, so… no. Please do not go get my wife.” They loved Eda, always had, ever since they sat across from her at the IFWOT. Well, to be quite honest they hadn’t loved her then, mostly just thought, ” Wow, that girl is really pretty and kinda cool. I should go say ‘hi’.”

And from there attraction turned to a crush, which turned to love, and now after so many different hardships and strife: Eda’s curse, the breakup over said curse, Eda going criminal, Raine going revolutionary, battle, uprising, attempted genocide, and two different apocalypses… Well, now they both had the storybook ending to their storybook romance.

Raine loved Eda with all their heart and soul… but that did not mean they were completely blind to the fact that the infamous Owl Lady would usually act first and then think about the consequences never.

There was in fact a very good reason they had never invited Eda to come with them to work: it was because Eda had her own high-focus job and also because Eda was… Eda.

“Eda is good for Raine.’”Tilly said, nodding his little fox head. “Eda makes Raine happy, so who cares if Eda causes chaos?”

“Eda does make me happy, yeah…” they said with a small smile, scratching underneath Tilly’s chin. “But, uh, I would rather just get through this day and get to afterwards.”

Because afterwards, for the first time in what felt like years, they had a date.

Maybe it had been years, their engagement and wedding was rather quick, all things considered. They both didn't want to potentially die in a third apocalypse (however unlikely one may be) not having been together like they always should have been and thus they had talked it over, made some plans, and then Eda invited them to the flower field they had asked each other out in, had practiced wild magic together in… and eventually broke up in. It was their field.

So they were kinda bummed out by the fact that the flower field fell into the boiling ocean with the lifting of the Left Arm.

f*cking Belos.

Either way, it had been a long time since the two of them had even just sat down and blatantly ignored any and all responsibilities and duties to just… be with one another and be happy. They were absolutely looking forward to this.

“Raine is happy.” Tilly said with a purr. “If Raine is happy then Tilly is happy.”

“Yeah,” They said with a smile. “Yeah, I am happy.”

“And thank goodness for that, you were looking incredibly stressed there for a moment, Clawthorne.”

Darius Deamonne, former head of the Abomination Coven and now, he himself duly elected, Vice Sovereign, came over in their fluid and ever shifting Abomination-leather suit. The purple muck twisted and turned like water in a machine atop his head as the dark-skinned witch sat down and watched the proceedings.

“You would think they would get tired of acting like witchlets at one point, wouldn’t you?” Darius muttered, his fine black and red leather suit matched with purple abomination leather lining shining under the torchlight. “I don't think I've ever seen them ever get along.”

“Neither have I, if I'm honest.” they said, slumping in their throne as the councilors continued their bickering. Oh, they were fighting about petty grudges and old, supposedly irrelevant, feuds and yet it all boiled down to the fact that this time they were fighting about whether the symbol of the new republic should be Luz ripping Belos out of the Titan’s Heart, or the Titan’s Skull looking down proudly at nine multi-colored witches and demons.

“Tilly wishes they would stop.” the red fox told them sadly. “Tilly wishes they would stop making Raine sad.”

“Me too, buddy.” they said simply. “Me too.”

They pinched the bridge of their nose and sighed deeply, a pounding headache coming on. If this continued they would be far too irritable and stressed for any sort of date.

A buzzing in their pocket finally drew their attention away from the political quagmire that was the nascent bureaucracy of the new Republic of the Isles and idly opened their scroll.

“Hey Rainestorm! You ready to paint the human realm red?! 😛 “ a cheery message read.

Ah, even seeing a message from Eda brought a smile to their face. A night on the town, a night without worries, no responsibilities… It sounded like their birthday came early this year. As soon as they were out they would finally be free.

“Derwin?” they asked the dark-skinned witch standing just beneath their throne in his own little podium desk. Derwin Wroot was a good kid, he had joined the BATT’s and then the CATT’s in the fight against Belos and had joined them in helping to create a new government out of the ashes the Emperor left in his wake. Now Derwin served as something of a seneschal/secretary for the Republic Council and was happy, if overworked, in his position. “How many more cases do we have this afternoon?” Raine asked.

“Eager to get to your fancy dinner date?” Derwin asked, humor in his voice and a laugh on his lips as they blushed and scratched the back of their head. “Yeah, let me just… Oh.”

There was a frown on his face, which suddenly sparked a mote of worry. “What is it?” they inquired tenuously.

“We have… ah, twelve more petitions from various councilors on the docket.” he winced as, simultaneously, a cold feeling spread through them. “I’m… I'm very sorry Raine- er, Sovereign Clawthorne”

“Please, for the love of the Titan, just call me Raine.”

They would not become a tyrant just by being called their title by everyone, but that didn't make them feel better about or more comfortable with it. “Are you sure there’s anyway I could-”

“I mean, you could call it early and save everything for tomorrow, but it will still take forever to pack everything up and get out of here so you might, ah, be a bit-”

Late.

Their first date in years and they’re gonna be late to it.

Disappointment and sadness rushed through them as they typed away.

'Work is overfilled right now and it will take forever to get out of here… I might be kind of late,' they lamented.

Silence for several moments. They began to chew on their nails: what if Eda was disappointed? Or mad? Or would just go on without them and leave them to their bureaucratic fate?

Finally, a response.

‘Nah.’

… what the-

'What do you mean, ‘nah?’'

‘I mean, ‘Nah.’’

What in the name of the Titan did “Nah,” mean?

They sat in their throne for what felt like hours, maybe even days, as the arguments finally died down and the councilors actually, shocker of shockers, talked to one another like adults.

“... don't understand what the problem with the original emblem was.” Councilor Strada said, scratching at the side of his head. “I mean, nine slices of a circle to demonstrate the nine forms of magic… It was simple and to the point.”

“It was incredibly boring and I'm glad we got rid of it.” Darius said unhelpfully. “Now, why did we get rid of the-”

The doors to the Round Room broke open with a mighty “Weh.” as a cone of power ripped through the wood, sending gusts of wind blowing out all around the circular chamber. King Clawthorne, part-time student of Hexside and full-time Titan Child, stood on all fours as his skull head closed, the Titan power dying out as he scrambled his way down the steps.

“Raine!” the cutest kid in the entire Isles, as far as they were concerned, said. “We got your message!”

A cold feeling settled into their guts. They stammered out a breathless, “We?”

“Yep, ‘we’,”

Riding atop her mighty staff, red robes fluttering in the breeze still rolling through the chamber and bushy hair wild and untamed, her usually ever-present hook replaced with a rather real looking prosthetic, Eda Clawthorne stood tall and unstoppable atop her staff as she glanced around the room and settled her mismatched eyes on them. Behind her, the guards that protected the burgeoning Republic had all either been frozen up to their waists or wrapped up in thornless vines.

A genuine and loving smile spread across her face. “Hey Rainestorm,” she crooned with such love that they struggled to be angry at her.

“What is the meaning of this!?” the multi-eyed demon who started this entire mess asked indignantly, still rubbing his many eyes. “Who broke down the- Eda the Owl Lady!?”

“Yep, that’s me,” she stated, rather bluntly, as Owlbert floated in slowly, making her entry as dramatic as possible for maximum effect.

“Show off,” they thought with an indulgent smile.

“I am here to rebuild my rap-sheet,” she pronounced happily, their son scrambling onto the staff and looking far too pleased with himself.

“Yep, we’re re-entering a life of crime!”

“And we’ll start… by kidnapping the Sovereign themselves!”

Eda clapped her hands together, spell glyphs activating and sending out thornless vines to ensnare them and bring them up to the staff. Outside, a few of the guards had managed to cut or burn their way free of the glyph magic traps and rushed in to try and tackle the Owl Lady only for Eda to grab some glyphs and activate them, sending a new wave of vines to snare up the guards.

Darius just face-palmed and groaned in annoyed despair.

“Hear me, Republic of the Isles: You will get your Sovereign back after tonight, safe and unharmed!” Eda cried out, barely stopping herself from laughing. “But for tonight… They are mine!”

And with that, Eda activated a last glyph that sent a mighty fireball arcing high above to burn a hole through the ceiling. She smirked and began to fly Owlbert upward before she flew out of the entire capital with a mad cackle, King laughing alongside her as the three of them flew off into the setting sun.

“Should we… do something?” Derwin, left behind in a heap of wooden splinters and bent gilding as the guard awkwardly began to repair the door with some construction magic. Everyone looked to the Vice-Sovereign who just sighed deeply in disappointment.

“Why are they like this?” Darius asked instead, pinching the bridge of his nose.

**********

“Eda! I had important work to do!” Raine tried to protest, struggling to say anything at all as the wind whipped their graying teal hair around, and yet the sight of Bonesborough far below sent a thrill through their soul as they watched the homes and buildings pass on by.

“And I said, ‘Nah’,” came Eda’s muffled, if firm, response.

Eda was still in her headmistress's uniform, no longer standing atop the staff but more safely riding it like any normal witch would do. King, clad in an adorable young hexside students uniform, scrambled backwards slowly and hugged them tight.

“Mom said that I could help you get out of boring government work so I agreed!” King looked up at them, his eyes alight with happiness. “You know what that means?”

“That your mom has no respect for authority and will do what she pleases even when I specifically ask her not to?” they murmured simply, moving an arm out of the vines and slowly petting their son atop his smooth, bony head.

“What? No!... well, yes,” King admitted sheepishly as he pressed his head against their hand. “But no, it means that I'm now getting my own rap-sheet!"

He sounded so, very, exuberantly proud and they almost didn't want to ruin their joy. They could, after all, see how happy and joyous his eyes were. Almost, but not quite.

"You're not going to be a criminal, King," they said.

"But we kidnapped you already?" King protested, a faint note of disappointment creeping into his voice.

They sighed, already dreading the absolute quagmire that would ensue in resolving all of this before the Republic Conclave. Oh, for sure, they would probably try to appease them by trying to sweep everything under the rug... but that would set a bad precedent. Also, it would let Eda off the hook for this absolute chaos.

They kept petting their adopted son on his boney head as they considered how, exactly, to tell-off their wife.

Before they could get a word out, King turned to them and began talking rapidly, joy in his every word. "You wont believe it, but I discovered another glyph today!”

They paused, and then looked at the thick vines all around them. There hadn’t been a plant glyph last time they checked… “King! I’m so happy for you!” They cried out, hugging the young Titan close. “When we get back, I'll bake you a cake!”

“Yes! Chocolate for days!”

Oh, they would regret that before long, but right now they were just so dang happy for their adopted son that they didn't even care about the fact that Eda kidnapped them from their job.

… wait a minute.

“Eda,” they began tersely. “Why did you kidnap me?”

“Because you’re not going to be late to our first date in years, Rainestorm,” she declared with mirth in her every word. Clouds strode across their view like fluffy giants, glowing in the light of the sun as the rays of the setting orb shone out like flame from a beacon. Eda looked truly magnificent as they angled their staff towards the Owl House. “You need to get a break from that place more than you already-”

“No, you misunderstand me,” they cut her off, perhaps more sharply than they intended, eyes closed in annoyance. “What I mean is: Why did you kidnap me instead of literally anything else!?”

Eda paused, considered it, and then shrugged her shoulders. “It was the first thing I thought of so I went with it.”

“Eda!” they protested.

“What?” she asked, sounding genuinely confused. “You’re not missing our date just because a bunch of suits want you to decide when they should wake up in the morning or whether they have toast or griffon eggs for breakfast.”

“It’s… a bit more involved than that,” they tried to explain, only for Eda to blow a raspberry at them in return.

“It's basically a bunch of overgrown witchlets arguing about the dumbest things possible for as long as physically possible and you know it.” As Owlbert landed before the Owl House, the ancient house built long ago, with its crumbling tower and eyeball glassware, Eda co*cked an eyebrow at them from over her shoulder. “Or are you going to argue that those idiots need you to settle their every problem?”

They opened their mouth… and then after a long moment closed it again with a sigh of defeat. Eda slapped an arm around their shoulder and pulled them into a tight hug. “You see? Now come get ready for a wonderful time in the human world with me. King,” she said as she turned to the smallest Clawthorne and leveled a stern look. “You’re in charge of the house while we’re gone. Please do not destroy the house while we’re gone.”

“It was one time!” He complained as they all entered the house, scrambling off towards his own room. "I didn't even make the house walk like Luz did!"

"Luz," She said with a shake of her head, "Did that accidentally alongside her friends. You deliberately tried to turn the house into your own private castle with a moat by making your toys come to life... again."

"Moats are cool!"

As King scrambled his way up the stairs, they looked at the door and the rather… fleshy looking hole in it. “Hooty off again?”

“Visiting Lily, who's visiting our parents, so he’s hanging out over there for the time being,” she explained as she traced her good hand over the wooden door. “Seems everyone is flying the coop these days… Titan, I'll be a mess when King gets older.”

“You mean we’ll be a mess when King gets older,” they mused with a small smile, resting a hand on Eda’s shoulder, who placed her own above it and held it gently. They stood in silence for several minutes.

“We should probably get ready before we’re late,” they said simply, moving away and making their way towards the stairway.

“Oh come on, it’s only…” Eda checked her scroll and winced. “Yeah, let's get ready.”

**********

Throughout the evening sky of the human world, two witches rode their magic staffs towards downtown Gravesfield.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Raine, now clad in a rather fetching pair of slim brown slacks with a white button up and a aquamarine jacket tied over their shoulders, asked nervously as they kept glancing worriedly downwards at the many humans who could, at any moment, look up and see proof of the supernatural.

Well, supernatural to them anyway.

“Relax, it’ll be fine! Everything I've seen says that humans are as addicted to their scrolls as witches and demons are,” Eda rejoined. She, meanwhile, was wearing one of her old red velvet dresses with darker red fabric over the chest. She’d managed to carefully insert her prosthetic arm into one of the sleeves and had successfully, if to her displeasure, been talked down from bringing the hook.

The hook may have been badass but it was not appropriate dateware.

“You know that Cam will grill us if another human gets a snapshot of either of us flying,” they said, anxiety starting to fill them at the thought of being seen where they shouldn't be.

“And I said it’s fine, Rainestorm. Nobody’s going to see us.”

They shivered in anxiety as the two witches flew through the air above the town, cutting through low hanging clouds as the sun began to dip down in the sky. Rays of light shone through the clouds and cast various colorful lights across the surface of said clouds into a dazzling display.

It was beautiful.

They had only been to the human realm once before: after Belos's mad rampage and attempted absorption of the entire Isles was over, Eda had taken them with her to negotiate custody of Luz after all was said and done. They had been far too nervous about the possibility of scaring off their girlfriend’s mentee's mom to actually take in the sights of the human realm.

And what sights they were.

The human realm was so different from the Boiling Isles: instead of red foliage, the trees rose as high and green as plant magic while the grass was like a sea of emeralds. The sky was many different hues as the evening sun shone its light upon the land but there were still hints of blue throughout it. Blue sky, what an intriguing concept!

The landscape all around the town was just as fascinating. Vast forests surrounded the town and seemed to blend in with the edges, making it impossible to tell where the town ended and the forest began. Rolling hills rose up like eaves all around as the trees, still bright and green like everything else, covered them like a blanket.

The wind was pleasant and calm, almost chilly this high up, and the scent of a multitude of flowering plants, numberless in their variety, rose up to meet their nose.

They actually paused in their flight, bringing Tilly to a halt as they simply luxuriated in the sensations of the human realm. A smile spread across their face as they just leaned back slightly and... existed.

"It's nice, isn't it?"

They turned to Eda, the bushy haired witch smiling as she circled around them with a smile. "I remember the first time I came to the human realm, it was... magnificent." She breathed, looking at the distant moon hanging low in the sky but slowly rising, donning itself as a crown over a vast field of stars began to peak like gems from the violet-tinted heavens.

"It does have a charm to it I can't place," they said with a smile, running a hand through their short and graying teal hair. "I've never been this cold flying except when I'm by The Knees."

"The human realm is colder than the Isles, it's true," Eda said as shook her hair back and forth like a dog. "You never get used to it, but it's nice, right?"

"I guess..." they said, just existing free of stress and duty. "It's actually quite nice."

"Good enough to want to be kidnapped again?"

They sighed. "Eda?"

"Hmm?"

"How about tonight, we forget about politics? No job talk, no politics, no duties, no responsibilities... let's just take tonight for ourselves and deal with the consequences tomorrow," they conceded, finally.

Eda's smile was radiant. "I'd love to."

They sat together in comfortable silence: two childhood friends turned high school sweethearts turned loving spouses. Nothing at all could ruin the moment now as the sun slowly slid fully behind the hills, the last rays dying out as the light disappeared fully.

"I don't want to leave this moment," they said with a smile, reaching over the gap between Staggs to grab ahold of Edas hand. She gripped it tight and smiled at her.

"Neither do I... but I also want to see Cam and her new boytoy, so let's boogie," she crowed as she took off again. They took off behind her, close at hand.

Through the air they cut as they made their way over building after building, until a familiar purple car caught Eda’s eye and with a pointed finger they made their way downward.

They finally touched down in an alleyway behind a fancy looking restaurant. Or at least as fancy as small town Americana could get. It was rather nice looking, all things considered: black stone with white signage, “marble” columns built into the sides to give it the appearance of an ancient Italianate villa, and a rather nice herb-garden out back with a topiary garden, or as much as the hedges interwound with flowering vines could make one, out front to give an air of ambiance to anyone walking by.

“Look, Rainestorm, nobody here knows we’re witches, so what we’re gonna do is pretend like we’re human out the wazoo,” Eda commanded, looking deadly serious. They sighed, a small smile on their face.

“I know, Eda. I wasn’t going to go off showing my magical powers in front of anyone tonight. Just gonna… gonna be normal and not anxious in front of a person I can't let anything slip to,” they swallowed, tugging at their collar as a bead of sweat trickled slowly down their forehead. “No pressure.”

“Camila and her boyfriend are gonna be here any minute so let’s get our covers straight: I live in California with you and we both teach at Luz’s college,” she stated firmly.

“What’s a California?” they inquired, somewhat peevish at a conversation that should have happened hours before their arrival.

“I don't know but Cam said to mention we’re from there, i think she may have used it as an excuse before so….”

As Eda went over every possibility, they found themself smiling at the thought of just… having a nice night with nothing to worry about: No politics, no pressure, no duties, no responsibilities. Just their wife, a good friend and said friend's new boyfriend, and maybe some good food.

A nice night with no worries was just what the healer ordered.

Chapter 21: Double Date: Part 2

Chapter Text

Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell, stared into the mirror of his personal dressing room of his palatial bedroom, his human disguise up and covering him. Many mountains of rubber ducks surrounded him on all sides of his room in the Morningstar Palace and yet there was now meaning to the madness: he had actually managed to organize the ducks into something somewhat resembling order.

He could even see his bed again.

“Alright Lucy, you’re pumped up.” He said to himself, twisting his head back and forth. “You’re gonna go out tonight, romance the sh*t out of your girlfriend, meet her friends, and be the perfect boyfriend!”

He hopped back and began to shadowbox like a fighter. “You’re gonna get this done right! You’re gonna be the perfect Gentleman and nothing will go wrong!” He laughed to himself as he summoned his clothes for the evening and clad himself in his chosen attire.

Blood red velvet shirt that was slightly unbuttoned, pristine white slacks, and a nice looking white suit jacket with red underlining that Ozzie had instructed him to wear over his shoulders like a cloak rather than actually wear. He grabbed a comb and began to fix up his golden locks until they looked properly stylish.

He wanted to look his best, after all.

He had attended all sorts of different functions throughout the Seven Rings of Hell and the Nine Circles of Pride. He had held balls in sweeping palaces and attended court in glorious halls, he had been dragged from Goetia Castle to Goetia Castle and had made his home into the most opulent and decadent citadel in all of Hell in an attempt to try and recreate paradise to no avail.

Lilith had enjoyed his attempts to make Hell more livable for the two of them and he had enjoyed making her smile. She had always enjoyed his many attempts to praise and worship her through his actions and flirting… he wondered when she had stopped.

He crushed down the growing shadow of depression within him and focused on the positives: he had attended and held many ritzy functions before this and thus had experience looking his best. Which he would need for his date tonight.

Camila had invited him to a nice restaurant, something classier than their first official date had been, and invited some friends on a double date. He had been ecstatic: not only an attempt to romance Camila again, but an attempt to impress her human friends and leave a good impression on them? Sign him the hell up!

He popped his shirt collar and tried for a devilish grin… before cringing away from how corny it looked. Devilish and I-Dont-Care were not good looks for him, plus it might turn away her friends which was the last thing he wanted. No, tonight was a night for being classy.

He could do classy, he was the King of Hell for Father’s sake!

“Alright… and that should… about… do it!” He cried out happily as he finished up his hair and stepped away. He looked into the mirror and liked what he saw, a smile blooming on his lips as he twirled around and began to pace back and forth.

Meeting her friends was an important step, he wouldn’t want to ruin any of this and leave a bad impression: doing that and he may as well kiss his relationship with Cam goodbye and then what will he do? Stay cooped up in his room for another seven years with his rubber ducks!?

No, never again. He wouldn't let his depression win like that again.

He carefully didn't look at the bottle of antidepressants sitting on his bedside table that Belphegor had gifted him. No, he certainly wouldn't let his depression win again…

The horrible beast inside his mind tried to rear up but he fought it back, forcing it back in the corner where it would wait for another opportunity to come forward and reap havoc throughout his mind. More nights left just sitting around doing nothing, being nothing…

No, no no no. Nope. No time for depression when he had a wonderful date tonight.

A date he would succeed in: he would win over Cam’s friends and win over Cam’s heart tonight. He had even talked with his friends about what to do: He had Mammon's advice for his human disguise and Ozzie’s for flirting, he had this in the bag.

Thoughts of his troupe of Sins brought a frown to his face. Cam was introducing him to her friends so it would stand to reason that pretty soon he would have to introduce her… to them. They were his troupe: his best friends who had fallen with him after everything went down with the Apple and Eve. Where even his Archivists had turned their noses up at him and left him to his fate, they were there to tell Father to screw off and fall with him and Lilith out of solidarity.

He would always be grateful for knowing them and since Cam was introducing her friends to him it was only fair he did the same.

That… would be a slight problem.

He wasn't ashamed of them or anything… okay, he was sometimes ashamed of knowing Mammon but only sometimes! He could be kind of nice when he wasn't being a misogynistic, greedy, classist piece of sh*t. And Satan: he was like another brother to him when he wasn't being a roided-up rage machine obsessed with fighting anything that moved.

… okay, maybe he should keep it cool and drip feed his troupe to her. Maybe just start with Bee or Ozzie and go from there. Bee was a riot and knew how to rein herself in from her overindulgence when the chips were down and Ozzie? Ozzie was such a hoot! A deeply and openly sexual one but a good friend nonetheless.

He could invite Fizz! And what’s his name that was making the Goetia even madder than they already are, Tornado maybe? No, it started with a V… either way, it would be nice to just hang out with his friends again and introduce Cam to them.

Oh Father, he was going to have to spill the beans about Cam being human… and his trips to the human realm… and coach them on how to pretend to be human. It was working for him so far so why not them? He hadn't raised a single suspicion so far so he was clearly good at pretending to be human.

This could work, reciprocating a Friend Meeting between Cam and the Sins could work… He could even invite Charlie along and make it a family meeting! Really get the ball rolling on setting up a family meeting between them all.

He was certain that if he could just get Char-char and Cam into the same room his darling daughter would see the same thing in Cam that he did and everything would be swell afterwards. The plan began knitting together in his mind as he summoned up his royal scepter/cane and opened a portal to the human world: all he needed was to broach the topic to Cam in an organic and totally-not-at-all rushed way. He could do that, he convinced Lilith to marry him… somehow.

He felt a smirk appear across his lips as he danced through the portal. Yes, indeed, everything was knitting together perfectly. First he sweeps Cam off her feet, then he completely charms her friends, then he brings up introducing Char-char, then everyone is happy forever.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

**********

Lucifer did a little shimmy as he made his way down the sidewalk of Gravesfield. He was hyped up and ready for romance!

Tonight was going to go swimmingly, he just knew it. So long as he didn't forget the advice or tips he had been given then he was pretty much going to absolutely nail this.

“Alright Lucy, just remember what Ozzie told you and everything will be okay.” He mumbled to himself as made his way through the town. The evening air was gentle and decently chilled as the last rays of light bathed the town in a myriad of warm colors. People were out and about as they enjoyed the nice weather and he found himself smiling along and even complimenting people he passed by.

“You look nice today!” He told an elderly looking priest as he passed him by, the balding man with thick glasses pausing to smile brightly at him.

“Why thank you, sir! May God bless you on this wonderful eve.” The priest smiled brightly and he smiled even brighter.

“He won't, but thank you anyway!” The balding man paused, frowned, and then shrugged and walked away.

Yes indeed, Lucifer Morningstar found this to be a quite enjoyable evening indeed and it hadn't even truly begun yet.

As he passed by an Italian eatery, he grabbed a hold of a lamppost and began to swing around it gracefully, a laugh on his lips as he just enjoyed life. The lamppost turned on above him alongside the rest of the street lights, the shadows of clouds passing overhead while far quicker shadows darted between them.

He actually skipped off the concrete post holder and did one last shimmy before turning the corner towards the entrance where Camila said she’d be waiting. He had exactly one chance to not screw up his entrance and he would take it. Ozzie’s advice came up in his mind and he smiled before quickly turning and entering what he considered a cool and relaxed pose.

“Hey, Good Lookin’” He drawled, his eyes closed and a finger beneath his chin. “What brings you to… to a… a…” He made a critical error.

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

Every last piece of advice fled his mind as he looked at the truly beautiful woman before him in a gorgeous black dress that was slim on the body and yet poofy in the sleeves. The top around her chest seemed to be embroidered with rhinestones and it matched the simple purse she wore on her side.

Camila looked absolutely stunning and he couldn’t think of a word to say, not one bit of advice from the Sin of Lust staying in his mind as he simply stared with his jaw hanging open like an absolute idiot.

Cam looked at him and smiled, her cheeks a bit pink. “Oh my! You certainly look stunning this evening.” She smiled at him and he swore he almost forgot his own name.

‘Say something you idiot!’ One half of his mind yelled at him.

‘Pretty lady… pretty…’ the other half mumbled distractedly.

All his carefully laid and interwoven plans, all ruined because Cam looked like an absolute knockout.

She waited for him to say something back, which was fair because he was waiting for the same thing to happen. Finally a look of confusion came across her face and something ended up being blurted out.

“Pretty!”

Oh dear Father, he felt like a freshly created angel again! Where was the suave and cool King he promised Ozzie he would be? Where was the calm and collected Sin of Pride now?

‘Ozzie, I'm sorry. I failed you.’ He mentally wailed as his face burned with embarrassment and Cam quickly hid a titter with her hand. “I mean,” He stressed. “You look very pretty tonight, Camila.”

“It’s certainly been a very long time since I've gotten that reaction out of anyone.” She laughed to herself and he finally found an inroad.

“Then the people of this town must be blind.” He said with a grin and a wink.

She laughed and pushed his shoulder slightly, a mad blush on her cheeks as she looked him up and down, a smirk appearing on her lips. “Do you own anything that doesn't look more expensive than my house?”

He blinked and looked down at his clothes. “That depends,” he asked, with genuine concern in his voice. “How much is your house?”

A snort and a laugh was all the answer he got as he decided to lean against one of the fake marble columns out in front. He didn't even need to look to know they were fake, he’d seen enough Lust Ring home remodeling shows to know real marble from fake.

Also, you know, he was the King of Hell and his palace in Envy was made of Marble.

“I’m sorry,” He said suddenly. “I’m still kind of stuck on how great you look tonight.” Wait, sh*t, Ozzie had warned him about something like this. “Not that you don't normally look great!” He panicked. “You look just as great as always, but-”

“Lucius?” She interrupted him, with both burning cheeks and a gentle smile on her face.

“I get it… and thank you.”

He rubbed the back of his head and chuckled nervously. “So… uh, what made you decide to introduce me to your friends?”

She leaned against the column next to him, looking up at the sky. “Oh, Eda called me up and asked if she and Raine could join us on a date. The two of them haven't been on one in a while and I thought it would be nice of them to join us.”

He made a noise of agreement, another lance of guilt working its way through him at the thought that he had yet to introduce anyone from his side of things to her. He may have wanted her as far away from Hell as physically possible but… but she was introducing her life to him so it was only fair that he do the same.

At least, the parts of his life that he actually wanted to show off.

“I promise to live up to your trust then.” He said, to which she pushed on his shoulder again.

“You’ll be fine.” Her smile turned brittle and a little nervous as she looked away from him. “ It’s not you I'm worried about this evening…”

“Hmm?”

“Oh, nothing!” She waved away his raised eyebrow with a loud laugh as they both fell into companionable silence.

“Anything you can tell me about the two of them?” He asked her as the silence dragged on.

“Oh!” She continued looking away from him so he couldn't see her face. “They’re both from… California! Yes, California. They met Luz in art school and are teaching her magi- Movie Magic!”

Oh, he knew what those were! California was supposed to be the Ring of Pride except on Earth while movie magic- “Luz is thinking of being an actress?” He may not have experience with movies and what not but if she wanted to be an actress then more power to her, he would never rain on someone’s dreams.

Not even Charlie’s, no matter how much it would devastate him when Heaven took her dream and destroyed it before her very eyes. Part of him wanted to intervene-

“I want my father back.”

-but he wouldn’t. He would support her no matter what because he had failed miserably already and refused to do so again. Speaking of Charlie…

“You know…” He began, fiddling with his thumbs and looking to the side. “I’ve… kind of met your family, you know?”

“I wouldn't call ‘Helping my daughters calm down after Jacob came at me with a knife.’ meeting them but I suppose it counts.” She said, watching the clouds pass on by.

He smothered up the flare of rage at the impudent human filth man and focused on the important bits. “Well… then how about we make it an official meeting?” He reached up to tug at his collar nervously. “I was thinking-”

“Hey, Cam! What’s up?”

One of the oddest women Lucifer had ever seen in his life walked up to the pair of them. He actually blinked just from the sight. She was taller than him, because most people and demons were, except she was almost taller than Charlie and her incredibly bushy white hair was tied back with three golden bands. A mismatched pair of eyes, one gray and the other golden, stared out happily at his girlfriend while a bronze prosthetic hand waved at the two of them. She was clad in a knee-length red dress with a black diadem right below the neck and what looked to be an owl on her shoulder.

Beside her was a far more normal looking person: graying teal hair and tanned skin with some particularly large and tear shaped scars running down their eyes like streams. An aquamarine jacket was hung over their shoulders much like his was and they wore a pair of dark brown slacks and a white button up. A fox fur scarf was wrapped around their neck as the pair walked up to them.

“Eda! Good to see you again.” Cam rushed forward and hugged the bushy haired titaness tightly, the heterochromatic mystery lady now known as Eda reaching over with their bronze prosthetic and ruffling Cam’s hair fondly.

He, meanwhile, was focused on making his first good impression on Cam’s friends. “Hey!” He called out to the mystery person with the fox scarf, smiling widely as he started finger gunning. “You have a coat cape- I have a coat cape! Coat cape buddies!”

He paused for his hilarious and absolutely relatable statement to win over the teal haired person before him. They just stared slightly confused at him as Cam and her friend Eda looked ready to laugh.

“So this is your new boyfriend?” The bushy haired Eda asked with a swallowed chuckle.

“Ay- be nice.” Cam warned with a giggle, walking over to sling an arm over his shoulder. “I think he’s cute.”

“It was kind of adorable, I’ll give him that.” The teal haired person said with a small smile before reaching out a hand. “Hi, I’m Raine.”

“Lucius.” So far so good. He had this in the bag so far.

“And I’m Eda!” The bushy haired woman leaned over and looked him up and down. “You’re a lot shorter than I expected.”

“Eda.” Camila and Raine both said with frowns but he simply laughed and waved it off.

“You’d be surprised how often I hear that.” He rolled his eyes. “So… you’re the mysterious friend that Cam wanted to introduce this evening.”

“Yep!” She drew herself up and struck a pose. “You’re looking at Eda Clawthorne, the infamous-”

Raine coughed into a fist and nudged their wife. “-Headmistress of the-”

Camila coughed and now Eda was just straight up frowning. “-University of California.” She finished lamely.

He blinked and co*cked his head to the side. “How does being a headmistress make you infamous?”

Both Cam and Raine leveled stern looks at the bushy haired woman who simply shrugged. “I’ll tell you when I figure it out myself.”

“Wha-”

“Anyway!” She pulled Raine in close and stared lovingly at them. “This is my adorable spouse, Raine. They're a… musician.”

“Oh?” He perked up, happy to find another in road. “What do you play?”

Raine smiled bashfully and rubbed the back of their head, their gaze turned away from his. “I… play the violin.”

“No way! Me too!”

All three of them stared at him as he became overly excitable once more. “I actually started off on the Kinnor but kept up with various instruments over the years. The fiddle is my favorite and I’m… well, I’m not terrible at it.”

Whatever nervousness existed in Raine seemed to evaporate like morning mist as they stared at him kindly. “I actually got my start around my teens when I met my pal- well, when I found an instrument that’s stuck with me for years and years.” The scarf seemed to move slightly but it was probably the wind. “I usually play Left Arm Swing or Shin Waltz.”

Cam sighed and he shrugged at the confusing terms. “I have no idea what either of those are, but I play Bluegrass.” He co*cked a grin, “Maybe a bit of country but only with Sa-aaam. With Sam. My friend Sam.”

“I usually play with a few of my students, last time we played at an… antigovernmental protest.”

“Oh, that’s cool. The last time my friends and I played music together we were in Georgia and lost badly to some schmuck named Johnny.” He grumbled and kicked the air. “Lost my favorite fiddle to that nerd…”

“Sorry to hear that.” Raine looked sympathetic as they stared at him. They raised a hand to rub along the fox fur around their neck as they looked away. “Can’t imagine losing my violin to anyone. I actually used to hide it away because I was afraid of… my boss finding it.”

“Your boss sounds like a dick if he doesn't like violins.”

All three of them laughed and he wondered if he was missing something.

“As much as I want to see Raine geek out over music, we should probably get in the restaurant.” Eda patted her stomach as she sauntered her way towards the doors. “I’m kind of hungry to be honest.”

Lucifer nodded and squared his shoulders, a look of determination on his face.

Tonight he would be on his absolute best. He would win over Cam’s friends, romance the sh*t out of her, absolutely slay at being human, and set up a cross family meeting that may or may not include the Sins. Or maybe he would focus on Charlie first and then the Sins. Either way, tonight would go well.

**********

“Alright, so that was another bust.”

Cletus, the head of their little squad of former-cherubs, sighed deeply as the toddler-like cherub rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Well, at least we know who it isn’t. That’s something, right?”

Keenie glared, the golden-wooled sheep cherub crossing her arms and leveling a look at him that caused him to flinch away. “No, Cletus,” She hissed. “No it isn’t. If we don't find Emily’s mystery agent we’ll never get home!”

“She’s here somewhere, Keenie.” Cletus explained, frowning back at the golden sheep cherub. “It’s a finite area, we’ll find her… we just have to.”

“Don't worry, we’ll know her when we see her.” Collin replied happily, causing the two other cherubs to glare balefully at their third friend. Collin was still all shiny and clean even after everything, he had gone out of his way to ensure that his mystery saviors work didn't go away, and the other two cherubs slightly resented him for it whenever they were reminded of how raggedy and dirty their own clothes and bodies were after a year of homelessness.

“That’s easy for you to say, Mr. ‘ I don't know how to ask for names. ’” Keenie snarked, the purple furred cherub flinching away from her venomous glare. “You still have her blessing about you.”

“Not for lack of trying on the universe's part.” Collin preened slightly and his fur fluffed up. “You know how quickly all this work would go away if I went into that dumpster?”

Cletus and Keenie, the two cherubs currently sitting inside a dumpster as they planned their next move, both grumbled only slightly hatefully as they looked away from the shiny fur on their friend. They had been making their way through town for days now trying to find any sign of Collin’s mysterious savior.

Of course, they made their way to the Vet clinic first and waited for hours for her to come back except they had been driven off by the raccoons before they could see her. Every time they approached the clinic the trash panda’s would be waiting, eagerly anticipating their next scuffle with the displaced cherubs.

It had gotten to the point that when they got back into Heaven, Cletus was going to petition the High Council to excommunicate Raccoons from the grace of God entirely. Filthy little bastards deserved it.

Cletus sighed as he shifted into a more comfortable position on his little trash pile. It wasn't the raccoons that were annoying him… well, okay, the raccoons were almost as annoying as the filthy, filthy imps but that was neither here nor there.

No, it was the thought that Heaven was so close and yet so far once more that was getting to him. They’d spent so long wallowing in grief over losing access to their home and just as long trying in what seemed to be vain to find a way back that Cletus was beginning to wonder if he should just buckle down and make do with living in the human world.

Except the human world was awful! Oh, Miss Emily would give him such a disappointed look if she heard him think that but it was true! Whatever kind and wondrous feelings he had towards humanity and their world had soured completely after a year scrounging after them like wretches… Well, he was very bitter.

He might need a therapy cherub of his own after all of this, or he would just go back to being a servant to winners like cherubs were born to be. All he knew was that after this was all over he was never setting foot in the human world ever again.

Heaven and its wonders were so close now, they could almost taste it! The mystery agent of Emily’s would lead them back to paradise if only they could find her, and that was the rub wasn’t it? They didn't know the first thing about where she was or even what her name was so they couldn't even look her up or anything.

It wasn't fair. But then, nothing about their time in the human world had been fair so it made sense.

He leaned against his bed of trash and looked up to the sky despondently. The clouds passed by as Keenie and Collin argued about how to find the mystery lady and he just… he just existed. The clouds reminded him of Heaven, there were even people flying amongst them.

“Hide!” He hissed as he started to close the lid on the dumpster.

“Wha- what’s going on Cletus?” Keenie turned her gaze towards him and he pointed upwards at the descending people.

“Are they flying!?”

“Who cares? Just get in here and hide!”

“But my wool! It’s still clean and-”

Keenie and him grabbed ahold of Collin’s hooves and pulled him into the trash, pulling the lid of the dumpster closed until they were safely hidden in darkness. “My wool. My precious wool…” Collin bemoaned in the darkness.

“Shush it!” Keenie hissed angrily as voices appeared. He and Keenie looked through a crack in the dumpster at two pointy eared figures, one with bushy hair and the other with grayish teal hair, talking about cover stories and someone named ‘Cam.’

“Did any of Adam’s descendants ever have pointy ears?” He asked to which Keenie just shrugged, her eyes never leaving the figures outside. They fiddled with the ornaments on their staffs before the busy haired woman got a living owl that hopped on her shoulder and the teal haired person had a fox run up their arm and around their throat like a scarf.

“I have so many questions.” Keenie muttered. Collin could be heard trying to force his way to the front to look out the hole as well while also bemoaning his now dirty wool.

“Do any of those questions help us get to Emily’s agent?” Keenie paused, looked conflicted, and then shook her head. He nodded and continued with his point.“Then we can pass it along to someone in Heaven that there’s, I don't know, flying magical people now?”

“Maybe they’re warlocks making pacts with demons for magical powers?” Collin muttered bitterly, still sore about his now dirty again form. The three of them listened in close as the two mystery figures began speaking again.

“Look, Rainestorm, nobody here knows we’re witches, so what we’re gonna do is pretend like we’re human out the wazoo,” The first figure with the incredibly bushy hair said, a metal hand on their hip as they turned to the teal haired person.

“I know, Eda. I wasn’t going to go off showing my magical powers in front of anyone tonight. Just gonna… gonna be normal and not anxious in front of a person I can't let anything slip to,” The teal haired witch, because they were a witch apparently, replied.

The cherubs looked at one another once more.

“Shouldn’t we do something?” Collin asked, sniffling as he did so.

“Like what?”

He waited for any answer and just sighed when silence was the only response. “I get that we’re all a little testy after everything, but we’re not Archangels or even regular angels- we’re just cherubs.”

He could feel Keenie and Collin begin to grow depressed over his words so he rushed to try and change the subject before things could spiral out of control even further. “I’m sure that whoever is in charge of… magical flying witches will be very impressed with us for finding a pair for them when we get back.” He turned around, his back pressed against the wall of the dumpster, and smiled at his two friends in the darkness. “Just think- as soon as we get back we can do whatever we want!”

“Go back to being a therapy cherub…” Collin muttered dreamily.

“Helping Miss Emily again…” Keenie giggled to herself.

“Yeah! Just focus on that and forget about the flying warlock witches.” He angled himself back around to check on whether the coast was clear and was pleased that the magical flying people were moving on towards the end of the side alley and around to the front of the restaurant.

With a shimmy, he opened back up the dumpster and let light shine down upon them once more. Keenie looked much the same, if a bit happier now that the end of their long torment was in sight, while Collin still looked bummed out and was staring at his now once more dirty wool and clothes with a pitiable gaze.

He flapped his wings and made it over the edge and out of the dumpster, turning around to start waving his friends on. “Come on, gang: We have an agent to find!”

Keenie cheered while Collin just let out a sarcastic ‘yay.’ He would forgive the purple sheep cherub for that this one time since they had technically ruined his blessing from Emily’s agent. They would apologize later, for now it was time to find out where said agent was.

Collin fluttered in front of Keenie and him, flying lazily to the ground as he looked around the corner only to freeze up like a statue and immediately press his back flush against the wall while waving them both forward furiously.

“It’s her!” He hissed and they almost broke several records with how fast they made their way over to the corner.

“You found the agent?” Keenie gasped, sparkles in her eyes as Collin nodded furiously and pointed around the corner.

He was afraid, afraid of looking around the corner and seeing the agent because what if this was another dream he was about to wake up from? What if he was about to wake up to disappointment again? He swallowed nervously, wiped away some sweat from his brow, and inched his eye past the corner at a glacial pace.

The two magical flying people from earlier were talking to a pretty looking tan-skinned woman in a beautiful black dress and a normal human man in a white suit and red shirt. Nothing odd there at all so he focused back on the pretty lady. She had a nice smile and kind eyes as she spoke, and her voice was just as gentle as the rest of her seemed.

He could see why Emily would choose this woman to be her agent in the human realm.

“So that’s her… our ticket back into Heaven.” He muttered as he leaned back into the alleyway and looked at his friends. Keenie was practically vibrating in pure excitement while Collin was hopping from hoof to hoof in joy.

“It’s her! It’s really her!” He giggled to himself. “We’re going home!”

“We just gotta wait for the magical witches to be done with her.” He said happily.

They all paused, digested his words, and then scrambled back to looking around the corner just in time to see the witches, the human guy, and Emily’s agent walking into the restaurant. Panic began to fill them once more.

“They’re here to steal her soul!” Keenie wailed, shock and horror in her voice.

“They’re gonna kill her and sacrifice her to the Morningstar!” Collin shivered, fear of the First Fallen keeping him rooted to the spot.

“We’ll never get back into Heaven if she gets kicked out herself!” He wailed, big fat tears running down his chubby cheeks. Collin and Keenie glared at him before the full force of his words hit them and they began to hyperventilate and cry themselves.

“We can barely feed ourselves!” Keenie cried out with horror. “We can’t add a fourth person to our band, especially someone the size of a full human: we’ll all starve to death within the first month!”

Collin was shivering and hugging himself as he rocked back and forth in the air. “I can't lose hope again… I can't lose hope again… I can’t-”

“Okay C.H.E.R.U.B. Saddle up time!”

The two sheep looked confusedly at him as he rose up in the air with a finger pointed to the sky above. “We finally found Emily’s agent and she’s in trouble! Emily has always been there for Cherubs so it’s time we returned the favor: we’re going to go in there and save her agent from those witches before they can do anything evil to her!”

“Yeah… Yeah!” Keenie and Collin both began to hype themselves up as they flew around one another in celebration. “We’ll go in there and save her!”

“Miss Emily took the time to try and save us so it’s only fair we try and return the favor!”

The three of them cheered into the evening sky.

“Wait,” Collin asked, his head co*cked to the side. “How?”

Cletus… did not have an answer yet.