A Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (2024)

Table of Contents
Chapter 1: The Devil Walks Into A Bar... Chapter Text Chapter 2: The Morning After Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 3: Is it really a funeral if you aren't dead? Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 4: Some much needed conversations Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 5: Ozzie and Froggie plan a date with Lucy Summary: Chapter Text Chapter 6: Second Date: Part One Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 7: Second Date: Part Two Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 8: Second Date: Part Three Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 9: Interlude: Blitzy and Loony Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 10: Second Date: Finale Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 11: Back on the Isles Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 12: The Lumity Power Hour Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 13: To growing up! Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 14: Of Royals and Apple Tarts Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 15: This sure is a lovely picnic Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 16: Of Greed and Pets Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 17: Collins Awful, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 18: Dinnertime Conversations Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 19: Interlude: The imps formerly known as I.M.P... Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 20: Double Date: Part 1 Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes: Chapter 21: Double Date: Part 2 Summary: Notes: Chapter Text Notes:

Chapter 1: The Devil Walks Into A Bar...

Chapter Text

A Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (1)

Deep in the seventh ring of Hell, a very important meeting was taking place.

The seventh ring, known as the Ring of Envy, was cold and lonely, filled with the greatest estates of the Goetia Royal families. Mansions and castles line golden-brick roads as snow falls from the cloudy cavern roof far above. Mighty stalactites hung low through the cloud layer, some of the mightier Goetia having made their homes within them.

But none could compare to the center of the Ring.

The Morningstar Palace was built on the ancient, long frozen shores of the Cocytus, known to all as the wailing river. The opulent structure was a sight to behold: spiraling towers topped with golden domes, beautiful gardens full of plants taken from throughout the universe, fountains that were taller than even the mighty Goliath, and vast keeps with extravagant halls that could hold over ten thousand souls. Everything led to a central, cathedral-like structure that was the beating heart of all of Hell.

It was in this extravagant and exquisite manse that the seven rulers of the rings of Hell talked about their liege lord and master. It was he who they served most dearly and fell from Heaven with. The Sin of Pride himself, and he who ruled the seven rings of Hell with an iron fist: Lucifer Samael Morningstar.

One shudders to imagine what sinister plots were being cooked up. What horrible events were being planned out by the denizens of this horrid hall? What atrocities were being brought to light by the Seven Deadly Sins themselves?

"Maybe if we got him drunk that would cheer him up?" Queen Bee-lzebub, ruler of the ring of Gluttony, asked nervously, ringing her four hands together as the amalgamation of fox, insect, and wolf looked at her comrades.

"It's gotta be better than Ozzie boy's idea," Mammon said, the spider-like jester of Greed picking his razor-like fangs with a claw as he threw a glare at the ever-burning Asmodeus of Lust.

"I said I was sorry, alright?" Asmodeus snarled, angry and not the least bit embarrassed, "It was a stupid idea and I really wish you'd all drop it."

Belphegor, three headed goat lord of Sloth, scratched one of her chins and looked Ozzie in the eyes, "No. No, we're holding that over your head. Why would you think getting some dancers would cheer up Lucy?"


"It was a sh*t idea and we all know it!" Satan, lord of Wrath and the closest thing to the human ideal of The Devil, yelled as he cracked the armchairs of his throne.

Rather than using the meeting chamber of the Sins to plot the demise of the world, or the birth of the Antichrist, or anything most humans would assume the Seven Deadly Sins would do, the six highest ranking beings in Hell under the Morning Star himself were discussing how best to cheer up their boss.

Lucifer, as they'd known for the last six years, wasseverelydepressed. When Lilith left him suddenly, divorcing the man she'd been married to for almost ten thousand years for reasons unknown and unexplained, the first fallen angel had closed himself off from the world. And so, in his office he remained…for almostseven whole yearsnext month.

Queen Bee had gathered the Sins together because, after so long, she'd been worried he'd killed himself. How that'd even work was unknown to the ruler of Gluttony, but she hadn't been willing to take a chance.

The other Sins had been against it, wanting to spend time in their own rings. None of them had thought the problem to be that bad. But then they saw the mountain of rubber ducks their master had made. They saw the rubber duck he made of his currently estranged daughter…and the one he made of his wife.

Even Mammon felt a twinge of worry in his black and greedy heart after that.

Currently, the Sins were in deep discussion about how to remedy the situation before things got worse. Though since they were immaterial beings who fell from Heaven alongside Lucifer, their knowledge of how to do so was limited.

"...think just getting him some strippers would make him feel better? Are you high!?" Mammon ranted and raved as Asmodeus lost control and turned to his true form: A colossal bonfire of a demon with three burning heads surrounded by blue and purple flames.

"I have had it with you and your DAMN INSULTS, YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF-" Asmodeus raged, the Sin of Lust getting right up in Mammon's face as his claws sharpened. Mammon shed his form to show his true self as well: A massive arachnid beast with a dozen burning eyes atop his pale white face and fanged mouth. The two Sins looked ready for blows.

"Enough!" Queen Bee-lzebub shouted, turning into her monstrous True Form as well: A colossal fox like-demon with burning eyes and more arms than most, standing taller than anyone else in the room,"This is getting annoying and it's not helpful!"

"Hate to agree, but…yeah," Belphegor scratched the side of her third head and looked awkwardly at the others, "If we want to help Lucifer, this isn't going to do it."

Asmodeus and Mammon both glared hatefully at one another, still ready to fight. Eventually, they both released their true selves and powered down, refusing to look at one another.

Satan scratched at his chin and a light went off in his eyes, "You know, Bee didn't have that bad an idea. Let's get him drunk."

"Just giving him a drink won't cut it though," Bee explained as she tried to convey seriousness to all the other Sins, "If we just get him drunk then he'll get depressed and all, well...sad n' sh*t." The party queen of Gluttony spread her arms wide, "We gotta give him a party!"

"Preferably one that doesn't remind him of all his problems," Belphegor said helpfully, making Bee wince. All of Hell would remind him of that, it was his eternal imprisonment for the Garden fiasco.

"Where in Hell could we go that wouldn't remind him of her though?" Satan asked to which mischievous chuckling broke out from Asmodeus, the Sin of Lust twirling a crystal between his fingers.

"Nowhere," He said with three grins, "We might have to branch out. Okay, just hear me out on this…" He talked and talked and talked until smiles and grins appeared on every Sin's face.

Even Mammon was smiling.

"Also, Mammon's paying," Asmodeus said with a co*cky smirk.

Mammon was no longer smiling.


Lucifer Samael Morningstar tried to smile. He really did. However, he was pretty sure that it came off as an awkward grimace.

The ruler of the Seven Rings of Hell was currently sitting up in the human world, in human disguise, as the other six Sins supplied him with drinks to keep his mind off of his many troubles.

It was some human nightclub. He couldn't remember the name and he didn't know if he cared to find out.

He and the rest of his fellow Fallen Ones were clad in human disguise, though all he'd changed was his chalk-white skin tone to that of a normal human pale. He also left all his snake and apple iconography back at the palace on Asmodeus' orders. Said it was so he didn't"Scare off the locals and draw unwanted attention."

He was currently sitting in a booth as his Sins mingled with the crowd of humans like lifelong friends. Belphegor had remained behind to stay with him while the others went to get drinks, promptly getting distracted in the process.

Queen Bee had basically taken over the bar as she forced the bartender out and started making her own concoctions after taking a single sip of something called "Bud-weiser", declaring it a travesty. Ozzie was currently tearing up the dancefloor to much applause. Mammon had stayed with Bee to steal drinks off of her. Satan was arm-wrestling various people to much applause. Leviathan was…somewhere. Nobody was certain where exactly they'd gone off to after getting a single hit off a joint.

Belphegor was the only one who hadn't left him. Wasn'tthata sad thought?

The blonde-haired lord of Hell looked to his three-headed friend, currently disguised as a tan-skinned woman wearing a wide brimmed hat atop her dark curls, as she continued on, "-really! I mean, who would want to pass up on a guy like you?"

"Lilith, apparently," Lucifer said glumly, holding something called a Long Island Iced Tea in his hands and resting his depressed head down on the hard table before him.

"Well, like I was saying, it's her loss, your majesty."

Lucifer said nothing and just continued to listen to the absolute wall of noise going on around him. The music was giving him a headache if he were honest, and the constant flashing lights were getting annoying.

But his friends had brought him here, so here he would stay.

"Belph…how long have we known each other?" He asked suddenly.

The tanned woman paused, scratching at her chin as she thought about it, "About ten thousand years next month, your majesty."

"Do you ever miss it?"

There was no need to ask what 'it' was.

"...sometimes," Belphegor admitted with a grimace. She looked away and stared into the distance, "I think…I think when the days are quiet with nothing to do, we all think about that place. I know I find myself thinking about it whenever there's only myself and my thoughts for company."

Lucifer said nothing, just stared at his drink, "I think…I think sometimes it would have been better had I never messed with the apple at all."

Silence met his declaration as Belphegor stared at him in shock. She abruptly stood up and said, "Excuse me a moment your majesty!"

And like that, she rushed off.

Oh great, now even Belphegor's abandoned me…he thought miserably.

The club, he decided, was not a fun place to be. There was only one thing left to do.


"Bee! Bee grab your sh*t and get back to the table! We have an emergency!"

Bee was just done mixing one of her famous Beelzejuice co*cktails when Belphegor arrived in a tizzy, her expression alarmed. "Relaaaax, it's fine!" Bee waved off, "Once I get these humans their drinks I'll come ba-"

"He just said he regretted the apple entirely, Bee."

Bee dropped her glass, breaking it as she turned to the sin of Sloth and asked, "He didwhat?"

"Started asking me if I missed Heaven and then mentioned regretting ever messing with the apple!" She shouted.

Bee blinked and then sent her kegs of Beelzejuice back to the pocket dimension they resided in. Turning to her patrons, she yelled, "Bar's closed everyone! Go home!"

The humans got angry and uppity and some rando who pretended to be a bartender said something about being the real bartender and that no, it wasn't closed. But he served substandard alcohol, so Bee throat-punched him and went off to drag everyone back to the table.

"Sorry about the wait, your majesty! Had to deal with some things but I…just wanted… to…" Bee petered off, the Sins now staring at an empty booth where the King of Hell had been sitting just moments ago.

"Maybe he went home?" Ozzie suggested, rubbing his hands together with pure anxiety.

When they tried to call him only for it to go directly to voicemail, they began to freak out.


The dingy bar he found himself in was quite refreshing, actually. It was lonely and quiet, nobody to bother him and nobody to keep an act up. Some human song played over the speaker as the bartender kept him stocked up with Hard Apple Cider.

He'd taken off once he saw how much fun the Sins were having and didn't want to bring down the mood. The music was loud, the lights were too bright, and he was just sitting awkwardly by himself, staring into his drink.

So he left, wandering aimlessly and teleporting from place to place as he saw the world, eventually ending up in some hole-in-the-wall town in some hole-in-the-wall bar.

Lucifer said nothing, just nursing his drink and continuing to wallow.

Charlie was off on her own, taking up shop in the Ring of Pride doing…something. He remembered her mentioning she'd bought a plot of land and was planning to build something, but he'd still been reeling over Lilith leaving. So when she explained it, he just tuned her out.

Father help him, he was a piece of sh*t, wasn't he? Drove off the reason he fell in the first place, drove off his daughter, drove off his butlers as they went to go help out said daughter…

And Lucifer was alone.

He'd have continued wallowing had the sound of the door opening not alerted him to the fact that another had joined him in solitude.

He heard, rather than saw, said figure join him at the counter as he just continued staring at his drink.

"I like your suit."

The voice was female, mature and comforting as he finally looked up.

She was pretty, that much he could say: Warm tanned skin, dark chocolate hair with some streaks of gray in it, a pair of glasses over hazel eyes and laugh lines that crinkled up when she smiled. Which she was doing now, staring at him.

He blinked at her and the smile dropped.

"Sorry, you just…you looked so sad that I thought you could use a compliment. I'll just-" She made to leave. Perhaps it was the alcohol from earlier mixing with the alcohol of the now, because what he blurted out to save himself was:

"Thanks, I like your suit too!"

She was not, in fact, wearing a suit. She was, in fact, wearing a comfortable sweater and some jeans.

His face burned and she just stared at him before chuckling, "Ay dios mio, thank you!" She rolled with it, sitting back down and smiling at him, "I'm Camila."

"I'm-" Well, sh*t, he hadn't planned on talking to any humans while up here, so he didn't have an alias ready. "I'm Luciiiiiius, Lucius. Lucius is my name," He smiled as a trickle of sweat worked its way down his neck. That, he decided, was very close.

The pretty woman, Camila, just kept smiling at him, "I didn't expect to find anyone in this bar, actually. It's sort of old and past its prime."

Lucifer shrugged, "I just found myself in the area and went to the first bar I found so…you know? I guess it's luck or something?"

"Ah, out of towner?"

"Something like that," He really hoped she wouldn't ask any follow up questions. To avoid that, he blurted out, "So what brings you to a place like this?"

The smile dropped off her face, "My husband loved this place." Oh. Oh dear. His stomach fell out of him as she stared sadly down at her drink, "I try to come once a year, just to…to remember him."

And suddenly his crippling depression was back.

"I guess now that they're closing the place down I'll have to find a new place to get drunk and remember," She offered a shaky smile and something in him snapped.

"My wife and I…we had this spot," Lucifer remembered the Garden. Those innocent days before that damn apple ruined everything, "It was a magical place. Peaceful, quiet, and just for us. Well, mostly for us, but the other guy wasn't using it very much so we didn't care."

She listened, she was actually listening to him so he kept talking, "Eventually…eventually, I did something stupid and my father…he overreacted, I think. Got kicked out of H-town, got kicked out of town." He swirled his drink, lost in memories, "Wish I could see it one last time."

"I'm sure your wife appreciates just being with you," She chuckled, a pained noise underneath it, "I know Manny wouldn't care if the bar got torn down, but I understand where you're coming from."

"My wife and I…we're no longer together." He explained to which she nodded and smiled sadly.

"At least she's still alive."

He raised his glass of Apple Cider, "To lost loves, I suppose."

She stared for a moment before she raised her glass as well, "To lost loves."

They downed their drinks and smiled sadly at one another.

"Do you…want to talk about him?" He asked nervously.


They talked of many things, over many drinks, as the night went on.

They talked about their children…

"Oh, my darling girl is the apple of my eye!" He gushed, warmth and love radiating off of his tipsy form from all over, "I remember when she was only up to my knee. She came to me one day - giggling like mad, before jumping out from behind a wall dressed like a duck!"

Camila laughed hard, her cheeks flushed from drink as the two parents bonded over their kids, "Oh my goodness! That sounds adorable!"

"She shouted out 'I'm Charduck, dad!'" He laughed uproariously at that. "It was the cutest thing I'd ever seen and I nearly died of a heart attack! It was too sweet!"

"Que lindo- I remember once, Luz tried sticking her head through the railings of the stairs," Camila said warmly, giggles threatening to break out of her.

"No! She didn't," He laughed.

"She did, she totally did! We had to call the fire department because we couldn't get her out all the while she was just smiling and singing along to the TV," Camila gasped suddenly and reached for her pockets, "I think I still have pictures!"

"Please, I'll show you some of Char-char."

They talked about ducks…

"...bit of a hobby of mine," He was far more drunk now, his voice slurring near the edges every couple of words, "I mean it's not cosplay levels of cool but-"

"No, no," Camila, who had been matching him drink for drink, said, "I'd love to see it."

He awkwardly fished around in one of his coat pockets and produced a simple duck he made: this one dressed similarly to him but with the added top hat he usually wore.

"Aww, he's a cute little guy!" She cooed, reaching out to grab ahold of the simple squeaky toy and turn it over in her hands, "You know, Luz used to make me these tinfoil swans. My heart melted whenever she did it and I tried to keep as many as I could."

"She still make them?" He asked, curious.

"There was this period where I thought she became 'too grown up' to do so, but luckily there was…err, another reason so she still does it sometimes," She awkwardly rubbed the back of her head and chuckled.

Lucifer, however, focused on another part of what she said.

"Urgh, don't get me started on Char-char's 'Emo' phase," He groaned and slumped in his seat, "Always calling me 'Old Man' this and 'stop hugging me, it's lame!' that." He blew a raspberry and rolled his eyes, "As if there's anything less lame than hugging your father."

Camila laughed, "I think I'm lucky Luz avoided that, mostly."

"Yeah, it sucked!" he groaned in embarrassment, "I much preferred when she got into Cosmic Frontier."

Camila began to vibrate in excitement, "She likes Cosmic Frontier?"

Lucifer chuckled awkwardly, "Well, I mean, she doesn't like it-"

"I love Cosmic Frontier!" She laughed and stared at him with happy eyes.

"-that is to say, not as much as I do!" He drew himself up and desperately began trying to remember what he could of the books, if only to keep the smile on her face.

And they talked at length about their lost loves once Camila was ready.

"I remember when he proposed, you know?" She was nearly silent, her eyes glassy as she recounted, "It was in a park outside the convention hall we met at. He pushed me on the swings like we were children and I just…I just felt alive like nothing else."

Lucifer said nothing, just listening with rapt attention. He felt like disrespecting either of them by talking would be…would be evil. So he held his tongue and kept his ears open.

"I remember when I fell out of the swing with a laugh and tackled him. We just rolled around for a bit underneath the stars and…and the ring fell out of his pocket," She laughed, little hiccupy giggles that were marred by tears, "He became so embarrassed that I tried to do it all over again just so he could do it perfectly."

"He sounds like an amazing guy," Lucifer admitted.

She smiled at him and for reasons he couldn't explain, his drunken heart flipped in place.

"He was…he really was."

And now they were talking about Lilith.Drunkenlytalking about Lilith.

"And she just left! No call, no sign, no nothing! Just left me and Char-Char alone forever!" Lucifer ranted, his arms waving about as he drunkenly raved, "So who needs her! I don't!"

"Yeah!" Camila called out, her head resting drunkenly on his shoulder, "Yeah, we don't need her!"

"I'm my own demon!"

"Yes you are!" Camila yelled, and then started blinking, "Wait, did you just say-"

"I can do what I want!" Lucifer finished with a drunken yell.

Camila chalked the weirdness up to being absolutely hammered and promptly ignored it…and then immediately forgot it, "Yeah, we don't need her at all!"

"But you wanna know what I need?" A gruff voice asked and the two drunken patrons turned to see the bartender glaring at them, arms crossed, "For you both to pay your tab and get the hell out. It's closing time."

"No it isn't," Lucifer said angrily, turning his head to the clock on the wall, "It's only…two thirty? Yeah, two thirty!"

"And the bar closes at two," The bartender said, "Look, I don't care what you two do, but you can't stay here and you need to pay." He raised an eyebrow and angled himself in front of the door just in case they tried to drunkenly make a run for it, "Preferably, pay now."

Lucifer, not caring about his human disguise, fished around in the pocket dimension sewn into his coat and pulled out a bar of solid gold. He dropped it on the table where it sent the small pyramid of beer glasses falling over onto the side with nobody on it.

The bartender gaped at the sight before marveling over the fact that the gold bar was real. He moved out of the way and let them pass, immediately leaving for the nearest pawn shop.

The night air was cold, that much Lucifer knew. He stood straight up and wobbled only slightly as he looked about. Some human place called a "Denny's" was lit up like a beacon in the night across the street, while another called the "Budget Motel" was right next to it.

Motel…motel…there was something about the word that tickled the back of his head. For some reason, he felt it had to do with Charlie.

"Oh for- my phone died!" Camila swore something in Spanish as she turned to him again, also swaying, "Can I borrow yours? I have to call my daughter to come pick me up and…no wait, she's off at college." She sighed, "And the other is in Michigan."

"Do you- err, do you want some help?" He asked lamely, not quite sure what he could offer but willing to try for his new buddy all the same.

She smiled at him and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "I think…I think I'm just going to crash at the motel over there until I'm sober enough to drive."

He nodded and there they stood in silence, her looking at him expectantly and him not understanding what to say due to being drunk.

She stared at him and a pinkness filtered into her cheeks, "This has been a fun night. I liked talking to you," She chuckled warmly, "Your daughter is lucky to have you."

He looked up suddenly, staring at her, "Look, this has been…honestly the most fun I've had in six years. Since Lil left me…I don't know, I've been sad?" That was a lame way to put it, but he was trying to be cool for once, "Severely depressed? One or the other. This has been great. You've been great. Really great…" He chuckled and rubbed the back of his head nervously.

Camila, meanwhile, just stared at him with her cheeks flushed.

"I'm going to…err, crash at that motel too," In truth, it would be until he got through the door so he could teleport back to Pride in peace, but she didn't need to know that, "I can offer to pay for a separate room, of course, but once you're sober could I trouble you for your num-"

There were lips on his. His brain suddenly sobered up enough to realize that Camila was kissing him.

She had grabbed the edges of his fancy jacket and was kissing him.

He…hadn't been kissed like this in years.Centuriesif he was being honest with himself.

"Maybe…you could pay for a single room?" She smiled shyly.

Lucifer, drunk off happiness…and also alcohol, readily agreed.


Camila woke up alone.

She hadn't planned on waking up alone but that's what happened.

Last night was…fun. More fun than she'd had in years. She went to mourn the closing of one of Manny's favorite spots but found someone who truly got it! Someone who got her, someone who understood the pain of losing one close to them and who had a child they loved…and who was a massive dork.

She thought they truly hit it off…and now she was alone.

She sighed, getting up and collecting her clothes before dressing sadly. Of course she was going to wake up alone: the kind of storybook romance she had dreamt of as a kid was over and done with. Now she was left alone after a one night stand.

Maybe…maybe it was time to just accept that she would be alone till she went off to see Manny again?

He hadn't even had the decency to leave a note.

She was just thinking about what to tell Luz and Vee when she got home when the door to the room opened, slamming into the wall with a loud bang.

"Whoooowants pancakes?" Lucius, the man from the bar, was standing in his crumpled fine white suit with a tray of Denny's breakfast in his arms, his smile wide and his eyes shone like stars, "Didn't know what kind you wanted so I got ALL kinds!"

Camila stared. She stared until he finally stopped smiling and began to panic, "Oh… do you not want pancakes? I can go back and-"

"You came back?" She asked, holding back a dozen different emotions.

He just blinked and looked at her with what she was willing to admit was quite adorable confusion, "Why wouldn't I come back?"

Camila…Camila laughed with tears in her eyes and sat back down on the bed.

"I'd love some pancakes," She admitted.

Chapter 2: The Morning After


Lucifer angsts... until he doesn't

And then relationship talk over humanities greatest invention: pancakes

The Sins, meanwhile, are absolutely not freaking the hell out thank you very much


Huh, wonder if people like this. I should probably check the comments...

*checks comments*

Oh. Oh wow. Thank you guys so very much, I have plans for this and want to continue fluffy romance as someone who very much likes writing romance fics. But really, thank you so much for your kind comments!

I will definitely continue this now... I mean I always was because I have a ton of ideas for it but it's the thought that counts.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Last night…


Lucifer Morningstar thought to himself.

That was, to be fair, about the only thing he was capable of thinking right now, though he might have broken out a'Golly Gee'at one point.

The king of Hell stared into the bathroom mirror of the motel room, half dressed with his suit jacket around him like a blanket. His disguise was gone, natural chalk-white skin, fangs, and red circles on his dimples bare for all the world to see.

Gosh,He thought to himself again.

That had been…well,a lot. It had definitely been a lot. It was enjoyable, that was for certain.Veryenjoyable. He wouldn't mind it happening again, if he were honest.

Golly gee,he thought absent-mindedly as he splashed water into his face, looking into the mirror as his midnight swirled.

His thoughts were everywhere, nowhere, and both at the same time. As we're his emotions.

He'd just slept with a woman who wasn't Lilith.

He just had a pleasant and enjoyable evening with a lovely woman whowasn'tLilith.

There was a woman sleeping in the bed he just came out ofwho wasn't Lilith.

He frowned, his mood turning sour. Thoughts of his now ex-wife brought back memories of her: her honey blonde hair, her striking eyes, her massive curling horns, the grace she carried herself with, and her silk-like voice.

He remembered the Garden, where her depressed cries over how much of a reprehensible leech Adam was had drawn his aching heart to her. He remembered the long nights where they danced beneath the stars, where he showed her the constellations his brothers and sisters were making.

He remembers when they planned to offer Eve the apple together.

Falling together, establishing Hell into a proper kingdom together, building a life together, raising a beautiful baby girl together.

And now, almost ten-thousand years later, all he had to show for it was a wedding band on his finger. He still wore it, even after the divorce had been finalized.

Sighing, he looked into the mirror, golden hair a mess and eyes tired.

Part of him had hoped that perhaps he could win her back. That he could do something,anything, to convince her to be with him again.

And now here he was, with another woman.

Camila was…she was truly great. Lucifer wouldn't say he loved her, since that would be aninsanething to say after a single night. He wasn't sohorrificallydepressed that he declared eternal love at the first sign of basic affection, but he did find her charming and enjoyable company. She was funny, quirky, loved his rubber ducks, and had a daughter she loved just as much as he loved his. She was obviously a good parent, which he admired, but…

…but was he really willing to give up on Lilith?

He held up his hand, staring at the simple golden band around his ring finger. It was the last thing he had from his now failed marriage.

He knew they'd been growing more distant, growing further and further apart as Lilith consumed herself in empowering demonkind through her music, all while he governed his sh*tty kingdom full of sh*tty people. He hadn't realized how bad it was until she calmly told him over breakfast that she was leaving him.

Thathad been a rough morning. It only got rougher once he realized she was not only serious, but already had infernal lawyers from Greed hired and ready to finalize everything.

He had…he wasn't too proud to admit that he had completely fallen apart after she left. He'd closed himself off in his palace and just…existed. He didn't live, he existed. He didn't sleep, he barely ate, he never called anyone unless it was to ask for something…not even his daughter. He only called her to ask for stuff.Holy sh*t, he was a terrible parent!

How did he even begin to repair his relationship with his daughter?

He'd fully planned to just wallow in his crushing despair until Armageddon. But now, that wasn't his only option anymore.

The ring glinted in the light and Lucifer saw two roads ahead of him.

On one road: He slipped out like a bandit without another word, never said anything to anyone about what happened here, and never returned to the human realm while throwing himself completely into winning Lilith back, most likely failing over and over again. He saw a road of continued disappointment and failure, but with thevery slimpossibility of recapturing what he'd lost.

On the other road: He could go back to the bed and see where things went with Camila. Maybe they'd worked out. Maybe things would be great, or maybe they failed just like with Lilith, leaving him even more heartbroken and depressed than before.

It was a choice between a long and hard road of pain, more pain, and even more pain with the very slight chance that he may be happy at the very end…or he could accept the coin flip that was seeing where things went here.

With Camila.

The ring glinted, and he made his choice.



"Whoooowants pancakes?" Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell and Sin of Pride, called out happily as he came into the motel room with an entire stack of pancakes on his arms, "Didn't know what kind you wanted so I got ALL kinds!"

Pancakes, he decided long ago, were the greatest thing humanity had ever invented. They were fluffy, delicious, and he loved them so much! If pancakes were the end of what humans did with Free Will, he would have been a much happier King of Hell.

Shame it wasn't, but he wasn't going to let that bring him down.

It was a delight to see all the kinds of pancake toppings they'd made: strawberries and cream, blueberries and cream, blackberry jam, raspberry jam…basically a lot of berries. He didn't mind, since finding out what type of pancake you liked was part of the fun.

Camila stood awkwardly by the bed, fully clothed, and just stared at him until he began panicking.

If she didn't like pancakes then…well, he had basically however much human money he could summon, so it wasn't like he was out of anything. Though he would be slightly annoyed at having to go back and buy something else that wasn't fluffy and delicious fried batter.

He even made sure to get all kinds of syrup and…okay, that was a filthy lie. He got everythingexceptapple flavored things.

"Oh…do you not want Pancakes? I can go back and-" he began, trying and failing not to let his mind wander into worst case scenarios.

"You came back?" She asked, his mind going even further into worst case scenarios.

Oh dear god, she wants me to leave and thinks this is a mistake and that I sucked and she's gonna never want to see me again!Lucifer mentally wailed in agony as he made sure his face betrayed none of his thoughts. Broken hearted and left alone after a single night. He speedran that sh*t, apparently.

"Why wouldn't I come back?" He asked, mentally preparing himself for the answer. Instead, he was left blinking when she suddenly laughed.

She had a cute laugh, he realized, as she sat back down on the bed with tears in her eyes and a very shaky smile.

"I'd love some pancakes."


Pancakes, Camila decided, were great for a hangover. But then, the company she found herself with was even greater.

Her morning so far was quite nice, as far as she was concerned. There was justsomethingabout having breakfast in bed alongside someone that…that rekindled something she hadn't felt in a very long time.
Lucius, as she was finding out, was quite handsome in the morning. His bright and golden hair was still tousled and unkempt, but it gave him an almost bad boy appeal. She felt the almost childish urge to reach over and play with his floppy hair.

Gosh, this really was a good morning.

"Last night was fun," Lucius said, laying down on the bed and just looking up at the ceiling, "I didn't…well, I didn't expect my evening to go like that, but I'm not complaining."

"Neither did I," She admitted, her cheeks flushing at the memories of last night.Gosh, she found herself thinking. She'd been thinking it a lot if she were honest, "And I'm not complaining either."

The two were left smiling at each other.

"Should we…I don't know…" He blinked and looked shocked for a moment, as if some great truth had been revealed to him, "I don't know what I'm doing."

Since he'd already said he had no regrets, she simply listened to him rather than make assumptions on what he meant.

"I'm not-er, that is to say, I have no idea what to do next," He finally admitted, turning over so he was laying on his side, resting his head on his hand, "Do I…do I ask for your number? Would that be okay?"

Camila blinked and chuckled slightly.

"I think, considering all we've done so far, asking for my number would be more than okay," She teased a bit, taking enjoyment from the way his cheeks reddened.

"Well then, I suppose I should do it properly," He moved upward till he was sitting down on the bed facing her, his expression nervous. "Camila…" He blinked, a look of embarrassment crossing his face, "I might have forgotten to ask for your last name."

Camila giggled before realizing that she didn't know his last name either.

"Well, my full name is Camila Noceda," She said, looking at him expectantly, "What's yours?"

Silence. He seemed to be concentrating very hard. She opened her mouth to ask what was wrong when he finally blurted out, "Magne."

He blinked and flushed, "Sorry, just still hungover ya know?" He laughed nervously, "But my name is Lucius Magne." Before she could ask any follow up questions, he did the last thing she ever expected: He grabbed her hand and placed a gentle kiss upon her knuckles, "It's a true pleasure to meet you, Camila Noceda."

Golly Gee,she thought to herself again. Camila couldn't help but blush at the cheesy display. A few girlish giggles escaped her lips as she quickly turned to her breakfast and began to eat, mostly to avoid saying something embarrassing.

She'd rather die than say something like Crikey. Again. In front of another man she kinda/sorta liked.

Once was enough, thank you very much.

"So do we exchange numbers now or…?" Lucius asked as he ate away at his own pancakes. Camila reached out to grab her phone before remembering it was dead.

"I'll have to get a pen and paper to jot yours down since my phone's still dead," She grumbled, "Wish I remembered to charge it last night."

"To be fair," Lucius began with a smirk, "We were quite distracted."

He got a dollop of whipped cream flung at him for his troubles, the red cheeked woman laughing at the sight of him with the white foam on his face.

"Either way," she began once her chuckles died down, "I had fun last night, and would like to do it again."

"Same." He had a look of concentration on his face as he fell quiet for a moment. "My…my job is pretty hands off nowadays, so I should be free whenever I wish to be," he rubbed the back of his head again, "I mean, I'd still have to send notice and inform all of my…employees that I'm heading out, but they're dece-they're goo-they're…they're okay."

"My job isn't," Camila explained, wondering if he was some big city executive or something like that. Talking about jobs sounded like a second date thing. Did this count as a first date? Yes, she decided with a smile. Yes it did.

"I work some long hours most days but my weekends are…well, sometimes free. However," she said, cutting him off when he made to say something, "I think it would be for the best if we just…play it by ear, so to speak."

"Just…leave it to chance?"

She smiled and nodded.

He offered an uncertain smile and nodded back. Together the two newly formed lovebirds kept eating their pancakes. As they were eating, though, a memory from last night at the bar began to surface in her mind and demand her attention. Something that needed asking.

"By the way," Camila began, her expression unsure as the handsome man before her continued eating his breakfast, "Won't your friends be looking for you?"

Lucius thought about it for a moment before shrugging the question away with a wave of his fork.

"My friends are wise, powerful, and generally levelheaded. They'll be fine," He said.


The Six Sins were not, in fact, doing fine.

"I've got every hellhound I could shanghai into this running themselves ragged, Satan! What more do you want!?" Queen Bee, Sin of Gluttony, roared angrily as she shook the red-skinned, hooved, horned, and heavyset Sin of Wrath like a ragdoll. The party queen was, in a word, frazzled as her fur stood up on end, her ever burning mane went wild from stress.

"For us to have not lost him in the first place, damn it!" Satan screamed, his nerves frayed and broken after searching across Hell and Earth for their missing master.

The Sins, after realizing their boss had up and disappeared, hadn't quite panicked at first.

No, what they'd done was go back to the Morningstar Palace in Envy to look for him there. When they didn't find him there, they quickly, and quietly, made their way around the nine circles of the Pride Ring to see if he'd dropped back into his main palace.

Only when they turned up empty at both places did they begin panicking, with a side of freaking the hell out.

Queen Bee paused, registered his words...and then began to cry. It was awkward and weird as Satan patted her back uncomfortably.

"We're terrible friends!" She wailed.

"Yeah..." He muttered sadly.

"We should have just gone with Ozzie's terrible idea!"

"Yeah..." He muttered again.

A pillar of blue and purple flame roared to life as Asmodeus, Sin of Lust, appeared and immediately rushed over to them, "None of my succubi or incubi have seen or heard anything!"

"You told them!?" Bee and Satan both cried, grabbing him by his suspenders and bringing him down to their eye level.

"Of course not!" He said, offended, "I just gave them a description and told them to look, nothing more!"

The three Sins argued until another pillar of flame, this one green and crackling with electricity, shot up and Mammon hopped out.

"Put a bounty for any info on him," Mammon said proudly, "My boys are the best. They'll find him."

The other three Sins paused, stared at him, and began to shake with rage.

"You put a bounty out...on our boss?" Satan asked calmly, very calmly. Suspiciously calmly, even.

"Yep!" Mammon said proudly, "Don't mean to brag, but I've basically saved the da-" the other three Sins tackled him to the ground and began to beat him senseless.

This would have continued had a dark pillar of flame not shot out of the ground and Belphegor, Sin of Sloth, stepped out. The three headed goat mother looked proud of herself as she stood on her hooves and made a pose.

"I got help!" She cried out happily, only to pause and take in the brawl that was happening between the Sins, "Is this a bad time?"

"Yes, itisa bad time," Bee said, having Mammon in a headlock, "You can tell us about your help later."

"Actually, I think you can tell me now."

All the Sins, save for Belphegor, froze up. They stared at the Sin of Sloth in horror, for they knew that voice.

"Belphy..." Ozzie began, fear running through his burning body, "You didn't?"

Belphegor awkwardly scratched the side of her left head and stared down at them.

"I mean, she knows him best, so I just thought she could help," she smiled and stepped aside, revealing the'help'she'd brought.

Princess Charlie Morningstar, heiress to Hell by right of blood, smiled as sweetly as she could at her aunt and uncles. It was a look marred only by the danger in her eyes and the aura of pure malevolence around her.

"Charlie, sweetie, before you get mad, just remember who babysat you growing up!" Asmodeus tried desperately, only to quail at the look in her eyes.

"So, who wants to tell me how you all lost my father?"


"Totally fine," Lucius said.


In the next chapter: Lucifer crashes his own funeral while giggling like a schoolgirl while Luz wonders why her moms glowing

Chapter 3: Is it really a funeral if you aren't dead?


Lucifer finds out that Hell was very well behaved while he was radio silent and certainly didnt overreact at all.

Just once, he would like a plan of his to go right.

Plus a cameo from God's Favorite Princess and the Most Interesting Girl In The World.


(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The Morningstar Palace in the Ring of Envy was empty right up until a burst of fire lit up Lucifer's Workshop. The King of Hell practically skipped out with a grin on his lips. He didn't care that several mountains of rubber ducks fell over and covered the gorgeous runic rugs. He was too busy clearing his bed before flinging himself on it with a smile.

He opened his Hellphone and just stared at the new contact within.


His feet began to kick back and forth slowly in the air as he just stared at the name, his smile never once fading. He even found himself twirling a strand of hair around his finger.

Maybe things wouldn't work out. Maybe things would end up crashing and burning. But so far, they seemed to be going well, and that's what mattered. They'd agreed to keep in touch and see if their schedules matched up to allow a second date.

He had a second date!

Idly, he wondered if he should text her this evening. Would that be too needy? Too clingy? Would he be an asshole if he waited a few days to text? Should he use long paragraphs and full sentences? Or just emojis and l33t Speak like the kids used nowadays?

Dating, it seemed, was going to be hard. He'd never really dated before.

With Lilith, he'd fallen hard and fast, their romance like a raging wildfire. No need for dating to find compatibility when both were quite literally designed to be different flavors of perfect.

Maybe that had been the problem? Maybe they should have dated a bit before declaring eternal love for one another and deciding to fall for each other both metaphorically and, unfortunately, quite literally?

He would think about that later.Muchlater. As innever.

Ah well, back to worrying if he should text or not. Not to mention how he was going to tell his daughter that he may be seeing someone again.

That brought out a new can of worms that he wasn't quite ready to deal with.

Charlie…she idolized her mother, and rightfully so! He'd never begrudge her that and would encourage her to keep loving her mom. But the marriage was over, quite definitively if Lilith's comments had been anything to go by. She hadn't'wanted a break'or wanted to'take some time away.'

She just straight up didn't want to be married anymore. And the second the ink was dry on the paper, she disappeared without a trace, never to be seen again.

And Charlie…

Lucifer knew she'd hoped the two of them would get back together, but Lilith made it clear that would never happen. For a long while, he also hoped that Lilith would turn around and come back. It made him miserable the longer time went on where she didn't.

And now, after almost seven years, he'd decided to try his hand at another relationship.

Oh dear Father in heaven how would he even begin to explain that?

Hey Char-char, so I kinda sorta had a drunken one-night stand and decided to turn it into an actual relationship…Lucifer shook his head. That'd be stupid and tactless. He needed to be precise, comforting, and clear on his intentions.

Maybe he could invite her over to dinner and break the news in gently? It'd been a long time since he and Charlie had actually just sat down and had a family dinner together. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time they had any sort of contact that wasn't short and to the point in the last seven years.

Okay,he thought, Step one: tell your daughter you're dating. Step two: repair your relationship with her.

He lied down and wondered how Camila was breaking the news to her daughters? Was there even news yet? Or would she wait till they had a second date before doing so? Should he ask her?

Lucifer stared at the phone some more before he flung it against the pillow, pressed his face against the mattress, and groaned in annoyance.

He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't want another failed relationship on his hands. That'd be liable to break him entirely.

Maybe he should look up a dating guide on the internet? Guides were good, or so he heard. He may have never used one before, but surely the internet would be helpful and respectful about this if he asked for help. Right?

Either way, he needed to take his mind off things for a bit before he lost it.

He did a quick flash teleport from his room to the main foyer, landing on the colossal couch with an "Oomph!" as he reclined and just stared at the humongous TV. He obviously hadn't used it in a while, if the sheen of dust across it was anything to go by, but right now he didn't care.

Right now, he was going to watch some TV and wait to calm down before gathering his thoughts to figure out this whole 'dating' thing.

He flicked on the television-


"Breaking news as the search for our missing king reaches its twentieth hour. I'm Katie Killjoy!" The blonde haired and snap necked sinner in a bright red dress suit said with a murderous grin.

The gasmask wearing sinner in the blue suit next to her collected his papers and then cleared his throat, "And I'm Tom-"

"Nobody gives a single sh*t, Tom!" Katie said, pushing Tom out of his chair and onto the ground with a yell of pain, "The people care more about the fact that our king, Lucifer Morningstar, is most definitely dead in a ditch somewhere in the human world."

A little cartoon appeared next to Katie: Lucifer Morningstar, his tongue sticking out and X's over his eyes, laying in a freshly dug grave with the phrase "Long Live The King" underneath.

The screen cut to scenes of rioting throughout the seven rings as hellborn lost their minds. Aquatic demons from Greed were burning down whole neighborhoods, imps from Wrath were flocking to satanic temples for news from their Sin and God, while Succubi and Incubi throughout Lust held candlelight vigils.

Chaos, it seemed, had befallen every last ring of Hell.

Tom, slowly crawling his way back up to the table, groaned out weakly, "Now, while we don't know that he's dead-"

Katie, a grimace on her face, brought a fist down on Tom's head and sent him back down, "We also don't know if he's alive so it's most likely he died by human hands. Those freaks are nasty!"

Immediately the words 'Breaking News' flashed across the screen in a complex and stylish flare before cutting to the icy plains of Envy, the lowest ring of Hell. A hellhound wearing a black suit was standing outside the icy palace of one of the Goetia Royal Families. Colossal crystal spires and glittering halls carved from humongous gemstones shined like a star behind the clearly freezing hellhound.

"We now go Live to our senior political analyst: Roger. Roger, what's the situation in Envy?" Katie's voice rang out as the hellhound, Roger, grimaced slightly.

"I've told you, my name is Ronald," He began, only to be cut off again.

"You got it Robert."

The hellhound grimaced again before continuing on with a plastered, fake smile, "Katie, I'm here before the Royal Convocation as the Ars Goetia and the Six Sins hold an emergency coronation for Princess Charlie Morningstar in the wake of her father's disappearance and likely death." An image of Charlie, shaking Asmodeus back and forth like a rag doll while crying her eyes out played in the corner of the screen.

"Again, we don't know for sure-"

"Shut up, Tom!" Both Katie and Ronald the Hellhound said at the same time. The disgruntled reporter's grumbling was heard off camera.

"Mammon appeared to be the last of the Sins entering the convocation and when pressed for comment, had this to say," The freezing hellhound was replaced with the colossal, four-armed bulk of Mammon, the Sin of Greed. An awkward grimace was on his fanged face as his pure yellow eyes shifted about.

"Look, I didn't even want to be there, ya know?" Mammon began, sleaze exiting his every word, "I was all, 'Bee, buddy, he's probably fine.' but then she showed me a bunch of rubber ducks-"

"I'm sorry, did he say ducks?" Katie Killjoy asked from the studio.

"-and so I decided," Mammon continued, his voice now filling with pride as the spider placed one of his four hands against his chest, "Out of the generosity of my heart, mind you, to pay for Lucy's drinks, but he was such a downer! He kept going on and on about how sad he was and how his wife left him, and when we all went to go get drinks, we come back to find he up and disappeared!"

He then shrugged and picked his fangs with a claw, "So yeah, he probably off'd himself and it's all Bee's fault."

Once more, the 'Breaking News' flare played out and it then turned to Gluttony, where fires had broken out throughout the ring as hellborn burned half of Gluttony into ashes.

"Breaking news out of Gluttony: it appears Mammon's comments have started wide scale anarchy as demonkind rises up against our king's murderer," Tom, finally getting a word in edgewise, drawled out, "When asked for comment, Queen Bee-lzebub declared she would 'skin that fat bastard down to his fat guts for this!' end quote."

The breaking news flare played again as Katie Killjoy overrode Tom for the upteenth time. The scene turned to a massive crystal hall packed to the brim with reporters, anchors, news hellhounds, news imps, news demons of every shape and size from every news outlet from every ring of Hell. They were all pointing camera and microphone towards the stage set up at the front, where Asmodeus and Charlie awkwardly sat together while what looked to be an imp and a gray skinned, one-eyed sinner stood guard over them on either side. Behind them, a truly gargantuan portrait of Lucifer sitting in his throne was surrounded by flowers and wreaths.

A funeral. They were having a funeral.

"Breaking news!" Katie took far too much enjoyment from overriding Tom, "Asmodeus, Sin of Lust, and the source of many controversies over his continued romantic entanglement with an imp, is holding a press conference to announce that our king is definitely dead, absolutely killed himself out of grief, and that Charlie Morningstar is now the new ruler of Hell!"

Asmodeus, far off on the stage, pressed a burning hand to a furry ear and snarled as he turned into his True Form, disappearing in a burst of fire.

The imp standing before the camera, clad in Channel 666 news apparel, looked quite pleased to be on camera as he opened his mouth to confirm what Katie said-

-only to scream as Asmodeus appeared right behind him, grabbed the camera out of the tech's hand, and began shouting into it,"HE'S NOT DEAD YET, YOU JACKALS! IT'S ONLY BEEN TWENTY HOURS AND IF YOU IDIOTS KEEP REPEATING THIS LIE, I SWEAR TO LUST I'LL-"

A cartoon picture of smoking gears with an imp in a workman's uniform looking confused at it appeared above the words "We're experiencing technical difficulties!"


-and then he turned off the television.

Lucifer stared at the screen and just slumped into his couch and groaned.

It hadn't even been a day!


Charlie Morningstar had not imagined her day would go like this.

She'd finally finished the last touches on the Happy Hotel the other night, leaving it basically ready for guests to arrive for redemption at any moment. After that, her and Vaggie spent the night cuddling together and watching a movie before falling asleep in each other's arms.

There may or may not have been kissing involved.

A perfect end to a perfect day.

She'd woken up and had Razzle and Dazzle make her a lovely breakfast in bed for her lovely girlfriend when Auntie Belph appeared in a tizzy. Before Charlie could even ask anything, the Sin of Sloth dropped the colossal bombshell that they lost her father after taking him to a human club up above.

She may have lost her temper on her Aunt Bee and her uncles. To be fair, they kinda deserved it. And once she worked her way through the simmering anger that they lost her father, she then fell into the absolute panic that theylost her father!

Thingskindasorta escalated from there.

She'd sent Razzle and Dazzle out to find him and then promptly began panicking, shaking Uncle Ozzie back and forth while screaming like a crazy woman (which was, unfortunately, the image that Infernal News Media caught a picture of and broadcasted). Well, that and desperately asking the Sins why they'd be stupid enough to take their king to the surface world, where anything could happen to him, in the first place.

Things continued to escalate from there.

Turns out, gathering half the rings to look for your boss tends to lead to many, many loose lips. Said loose lips reached the Goetia Families who, rather than be helpful and send out their armies of servants to look for her dad, instead dragged her to a meeting and declared that, until he was found or confirmed to be dead, she would be the queen. Charlie almost blew the entire Royal Convocation away in a blast of pure rage when a much more friendly royal stepped in.

She couldn't quite remember his name, but she was willing to bet money on being Jonas...or maybe Stolas? Either way, he'd sat her down and promised his house's full support in finding her father, alive or dead, so long as she didn't blow up the Convocation building.

Things…hadn't actually escalated from there, if only because they could no longer escalate further.

She had her dad's Top Hat/Crown atop her head and now she sat on a simple throne next to Asmodeus and his…boyfriend? Lover? Husband? Whatever Fizzarolli the imp was, he stood next to the purple bulk of the Sin of Lust with a nervous expression as all the eyes of Hell were upon them. He'd ditched his jester's outfit for something more relaxed, but still a bit clowny: A bowtie and suspenders alongside striped pants and a simple white button up, which helped him look very smart.

Which of course imps could be!

Charlie winced at her unintentional slight. She wasn't classist, she wasn't! She actually had a plan to enforce class desegregation amongst the Hellborn in the very short time she was going to be queen. Because it would be a short time.

They would find her dad.

A comforting hand lay on her shoulder, and she pressed her own against it, looking lovingly into a single pinkish iris.

Her lovely girlfriend, Vaggie, stood beside her and kept a careful eye out for anything remotely resembling trouble. The sinner had been nervous about leaving Pride, but Charlie made an exception andmight havestrong-armed the Goetia Families into giving Vaggie a special pass, letting her leave the topmost ring.

Currently, Vaggie was in a very smart suit that accentuated her muscles. Normally Charlie would be gushing over how beautiful her girlfriend was, but right now, it was taking everything she had to not hyperventilate.

Here she was, garbed in a hastily made royal dress that closely resembled an ancient greek toga, serpent bracelets going up from her wrists all the way to her biceps. She held the royal scepter in hand and carefully, most definitelydid notfreak out as all of Hell awaited the announcement of her reign as queen.

Her reign was going to be focused entirely on finding her dad.

"-and now, without further ado, I would like to present the newest ruler of the seven rings," Beelzebub, in her basic form as she floated about before the mic, looked like she was in shock as she made her announcement, "The new queen of Hell: Charlie Morningstar."

Flashes went off like fireworks as a million cameras fought for her attention. She didn't squint, thankfully, and made her way carefully to the front, blatantly ignoring Bee. She was still mad.

She took a deep breath. Showtime.

"Thank you al-"

A burst of fire shot out from the stage. Ozzie and Bee shifted to their true forms and moved to defend Charlie while every camera in Hell focused on the flame. Much to the shock of everyone, Charlie especially,her fatherrushed out and grabbed his knees, panting in exertion.

"I'm not dead!" Lucifer cried desperately, still gasping for breath, "I'm not…I'm not dead!"

He then stood up, fixed his bowtie, and tried for a suave grin while slicking his golden hair back, "Rumors of my dea-"

Before he could continue with his well-rehearsed and totally very cool introduction, he was tackled to the ground by a crying Charlie, Ozzie, and Bee.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry for abandoning you!" Auntie Bee sobbed, hugging her dear leader and friend close.

"Don't you ever scare us like that again!" Ozzie cried happily.

Charlie…she just cried. Big fat tears were streaming down her face. She was pretty sure snot was ruining her carefully prepared make-up, but she didn't care. Her dad was back!

"Alright, alright," Lucifer groaned under the weight of two Sins and a daughter as he carefully maneuvered his way towards the mic, dragging the three along like limpets. It was the most undignified display that Hell had ever seen.

That did not stop the seven rings from celebrating at their king's return.

Asmodeus, upon seeing that Lucifer wasn't going to reach the mic anytime soon, got up and fixed his suit before grabbing it, "It appears… well, that our king has returned."

A million and one questions emerged from the colossal crowd of hellborn reporters. They asked where he'd been, why he'd left, what he'd been doing, and if he was going to have a repeat performance in the near future.

Charlie, focusing on that last question, resolved then and there that if her aunts and uncles wanted to take her dad anywhere, it would be to her Happy Hotel where they could be safe and watched over like a hawk.

As she hugged her king and friend close, Queen Bee paused as a particular scent caught her nose. Somethingveryfamiliar and distinct. It almost smelled like a women's perfume. She took a few more sniffs to confirm, her eyes going wide.

"No way…" She muttered in shock.

Lucifer, still hugging his crying daughter closely, glanced at the crowd of hellborn reporters. Even now, they looked ready to pounce. Charlie didn't care one bit though; just happy her father wasn't lost or missing anymore.

"Now I know you all want to learn where I was," the King of Hell began, "But I assure you it was a deeply political…thing. A thing that is very important and classified-"

"YOU GOTLAID!?" Queen Bee yelled out.

The entire hall fell silent as every last eye turned to the now nervously sweating Lucifer. Across all seven rings, everyone, from the lowliest imp to the highest-born Goetia with the bluest of blood, stared slack-jawed at the screen. Some turned to their compatriots to ask if they heard that right? Others cleaned their ears. Meanwhile, many more simply wondered how the king was going to dismiss such an obvious falsehood. All this and more happened while a bead of moisture worked down his brow as in his arms, Charlie went very still.

"Err…" Lucifer began, which was all the confirmation the infernal news media needed.

A veritable wall of noise rushed forward, almost physical in its intensity as everyone everywhere wanted every answer to their every possible question. Imps crawled over hellhounds, who tackled imps, who crawled over piles of hellborn from every ring, who all shot forward. The reporters shouted and screamed their questions as they rushed in a literal tide of bodies. Many guards and infernal soldiers fought to keep the peace.

Pandemonium was the word of the day in Hell, their King confirmed as having left the kingdom behind to get laid.

"Shut the cameras down, now!" Asmodeus cried into the mic as he carefully directed the royal family off the stage and behind the curtains before anyone could get an interview.

"Are you kidding me, Ozzie? This is media gold!"Mammon replied from his web above the stage, cackling with glee at the chaos.

Charlie barely noticed any of it as she tried to keep her thoughts under control.

Her father, who she'd been worried sick about and actually cried over when no trace of him could be found, had gone off to have a hook-up? She'd been panicking all morning as the entire kingdom learned the news, leaving her half convinced he might be dead…

And he was just off hooking up with someone?

For a moment, Charlie thought he hooked up with some random person but quickly dismissed it. He wouldn't betray mom like that. Yeah, they were currently…separated, so to speak, but they'd fix things and be together again. They had to, they justhadto.

He wouldn't betray mom. He loved her and would fight for her.

And apparently her father had spent last nightandthis morning hooking up with Mom again. Ever since she'd heard her parents were splitting, Charlie had hoped, nay, wished that they'd resolve whatever differences drove them apart and get back together.

She just hadn't wanted it like this.

The rush of happiness at her parents being on speaking terms again and finally starting to fix their issues wasfarovershadowed by the anger she felt at her father basically scaring her half to death. She was so mad she could hit him!

So she did.

"You jerk!" Charlie cried, tears in her eyes as she pounded her fists against her father's chest. He had a look of pain on his face as he held his crying, angry daughter. Vaggie gently pried her away from him, holding Charlie close as the princess cried tears of rage and relief.

"Babe, it's okay. He's back, he's safe," Vaggie murmured softly and comforted her. Normally, Charlie would melt into her girlfriend's embrace, but right now she didn't want to be comforted. She wanted to be mad! So she broke free and started poking her stupid dad in his stupid chest.

"I thought you were hurt!" She cried, feeling guilty over the small embers of pleasure she felt from the look of regret on his face, "I didn't know if you were bleeding out somewhere, or poisoned from something, or kidnapped, or-or…"

Her father gathered her back in his arms and hugged her close, rubbing her hair like when she was little and having a nightmare.

She accepted the embrace. Maybe she did want to be comforted.

"...I'm glad you're okay," She muttered, holding her father tight as if he'd disappear any second.

"I'm so sorry, Charlie," He was using her full name, not one of the little pet names he had for her. It meant he was serious and she appreciated that, "If I'd known…I should have said something to the Sins before I left. Should have done a…a number of things differently." He held her away so he could look up into her eyes. "But I will never leave you, Charlie.Ever."

She smiled and hugged her father close, feeling her anger dim, even if it was still present.

"You know, you could have just told me you and Mom were speaking again," She said, smiling atop his head. For some reason he froze up at that.

"I agree, Lucy" Uncle Ozzie said, Fizz riding atop his shoulder as they both stared at the Morningstar family, "Here we were trying to cheer you up, and you just disappeared to hook up with the queen?" He chuckled deeply before shooting her dad a wink and some finger guns.

"-Mammon, if you don't turn off those damn cameras, I swear to Gluttony they're going up your ass!"Queen Bee, currently raging in her true form, snarled as she slowly powered down and rushed over to Lucifer with sparkles in her eyes, "Lucy, baby, tell meeverything!"

"Where has the queen been?" Vaggie asked, curious despite herself.

"Why didn't you call?" Asmodeus kept to the important questions.

"Are you and Mom getting back together?" Charlie practically vibrated from excitement as she stared at her dad.

Lucifer…Lucifer awkwardly chuckled, tugged on his shirt collar, and then began shifting his eyes anywhere but them.

"So, uh…" He laughed some more, anxiety in his tone. He looked at Charlie and he just seemed to wince, "This…this certainly isn't how I wanted to tell you all this. I was expecting some time, maybe a day or two to get my thoughts together, but…"

Everyone stared at him as he just sighed. Charlie felt a cold feeling in her gut, not liking where this was going…

"I wasn't with Lilith last night," He said simply before smiling shyly, "I…I actually met someone else. Someone…someone I clicked with and we sort of, well, that is to say…" He took a deep breath, "I'm dating someone now."

Uncle Ozzie and Auntie Bee just stared before asking several questions, not that she noticed at all though.

"Charlie?" Vaggie asked from a million miles away, Charlie feeling her fervent wish for her parents to reconcile shatter into hundreds of little pieces.


Luz Noceda, wild magic prodigy, happily stood before the house she grew up in.

She'd woken up in her dorm, unfinished glyph combos and homework scattered around, rolled out of bed, and wandered about to get ready for the day. She hadn't really planned on anything school related since the Boiling Isles University of Wild Magic didn't have classes on weekends, but that just meant she could enjoy herself.

And what better way than to spend the day with her mom?

She hadn't been home in a few weeks, exploring the underside of the arm that even now was revealing new caves and crevices for any eager explorer to dig into. In her defense, Boiling Isles archeology made her feel like a witchy Indiana Jones. Stringbean even turned into a cool hat or whip to complete the set! There weren't any Emperor's Coven remnants to punch in epic duels, but she did have fights with a few grave robbers before they started begging for forgiveness upon realizing exactly who they were messing with. She even got into a sword fight...or several.

All in all, Luz's time at Wild Magic University was just as action-packed and exciting as her time at Hexside, and she wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Still didn't excuse not visiting her mom for a month, so she resolved to spend the entire week back at home. It'd originally been just a weekend, but since the headmaster of the University was her beloved mentor, Eda, she'd gotten a whole week out of it simply by saying,'So it's been a while since I've seen mom…'

Vee had promised to swing by with Masha after they got back to Connecticut from their cross-country road trip. The second she was old enough, the basilisk had taken off to explore as much of the human world as possible alongside her significant other and Cabin 7.

Luz was only slightly sad about that. Just because the Boiling Isles were now free of Belos and the Emperor's Coven, that didn't mean Vee wanted to go back to the place she had fought tooth and nail to escape from, save for important situations. Joining her sister in Wild Magic college to have fun adventures was, sadly, not one of them.

But despite her disappointment, Luz respected the decision. After all, Vee loved the human realm as much as she did the demon realm.

So here she stood now, just taking in the sight of her house. Having a normal week with her mom was just what the doctor ordered.

Stringbean, her beloved snake-shifter Palisman, was currently in the form of a golden retriever. She looked quite convincing if one ignored how she was bright purple with darker splotches all around…or how her tail ended in a bright green, gem-like rattle.

"You happy to be home, buddy?" Luz asked the excited Palisman, who jumped up and shifted into a bird, landing on her shoulder in excitement.

'Yes, yes. Love home. Love Camila. See her soon?' Stringbean asked, her voice echoing through Luz's brain as she nuzzled her head against theirs.

"Yeah, buddy. We'll see her in a bit."

Stringbean, accepting that answer, shifted into her base form and curled around her neck like a comfy scarf.

She loved the little gal so damn much.

No matter how much Luz loved the demon realm, it was always nice to be home. It never really changed: the same paint, the same blue tile roof, the same freshly cut lawn, the same flowering bushes along the front wall. It was like nothing changed since she left.

She smiled, though she did feel an odd sensation in her gut. That was a good thing, right? Either way, deep thoughts about life, the universe, and everything could come after she said hi to her mom.

However, the second she entered the door, she did notice an oddity: The smell of fried plantains.

Her mom only ever made fried plantains for special occasions: her first tooth falling out, first day of kindergarten, the night she got back from the Boiling Isles with her friends, the night after she basically saved the whole world with the power of the Titan, her King-ceanera…

And her mom was making fried plantains on a random day, when she didn't even know she was coming over. And even if she'd known, well, she hadn't made any all the other times she was over so…huh.

She carefully made her way over to the front, looking around the wall towards the kitchen as her mom sang along to a nameless tune only she could hear. She was moving to an internal beat: swaying back and forth as she hummed and made plantains.

Her mom…she was practically glowing in happiness, smiling ear to ear as she finished flipping the plantains and began to do a little dance.

Luz blinked at that. Whatever was going on, her mom was really happy about it.

Finally, Camila twirled around with a laugh, gasping as she saw Luz standing and staring. "Mija!" She cried out happily and swept her up into a big hug, "Oh, you should have told me you were coming over! I would have made more."

Luz, of course, hugged her mom back, "It's alright, mama. I ate before I got here," She would be dead before she ever gave up her Gryphon Egg Breakfast Burritos nowadays, "Still…fried plantains? On a Saturday?"

Camila tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and chuckled. It reminded Luz of herself whenever she was thinking of Amity.

Fried Plantains…glowing with happiness…ear tuck…

"I had…I've had a wonderful weekend, Luz," Camila laughed warmly and moved to sit down, taking Luz with her. Before Luz could speak of any of her suspicions, her mom beat her to the punch, "I…I was going to tell you next time I called you, but since you're already here…"

Her mama grabbed her hands and absolutely beamed, "I actually met someone this weekend!"

Luz blinked.

Okay,she thought as countless emotions fought for dominance,Maybe this won't be a normal week with my mom.


So this chapter had less Luz in it than I wanted, mostly because the real MEAT of her presence is saved for next chapter and I didn't want to spoil the main entrée so to speak... speaking of

Next Chapter: Charlie and Luz react to their parents dating again. It goes about as well as expected: emotions, angst, tears, liberal use of comforting butler-goats/palisman...

Chapter 4: Some much needed conversations


Luz takes the news rather well, all things considered.

Charlie... not so much.


*puts on a conductor's hat* All aboard the Charlie Angst train babies, choo choo!

But in all seriousness i got a bit teary eyed while writing Charlie's thoughts and feelings this chapter so... you know, it's probably gonna be sad.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Luz Noceda expected many things when she came home: Help her mom at the shelter, do some repair work on the portal house, buy some human world gifts for her friends, get something nice for her girlfriend…

Never did she expect to hear that her mom had apparently found someone and was planning to go out on a second date with them.

Here she sat on the couch in her old living room, staring at her mom as she twiddled her thumbs after that bombshell. Her mom was…seeing someone?

Her mom was seeing someone!

A bunch of conflicting emotions roiled in her chest as she tried to find out how she felt about this. A comforting weight settled around her shoulders as Stringbean, now in her small Dragon form, hugged her close.

'Love you, Luz,'her Palisman said simply.

It was enough to ground her, allowing Luz to gather her thoughts.

"How…um, how did this happen?" She decided to start with a simple enough question, "Did you join a dating app or…?"

"It was pretty spontaneous, actually," Her mom smiled gently, "We just sort of bumped into one another and started talking. He looked very…well, that doesn't matter, but he got all adorably flustered after we got started." She laughed at something only she could see, a small dusting of pink on her cheeks.

"So, you bumped into him at, what, a coffee shop? A restaurant?" She could deal with this, her conflicting emotions already calming. Having a meet-cute at a cafe? She'd definitely read that fanfiction.

Hell, she'dwrittenthat fanfiction.

For some reason, her mom looked nervous, "Actually, we met at a bar."

A bar? Okay, Luz may have read quite a few fanfics about such a thing. Bars were only slightly less popular than cafes or coffee shops for'All Human AU's'. But what did that have to do with why Mom looked nervous? It wasn't like they hooked up at dad's favorite bar or…anything…


"You met at Sheridan's?" Luz's voice was very small as a brief flash of pain shot through her. That was dad's favorite bar, and Mom went there for a hook-up? Dad's favorite spot outside of the Hartford Comic-Con? She met a guy at dad's place? Her thoughts began to spiral-

Stringbean hugged her tight, letting Luz lay a hand against her. Mom quickly grabbed her daughter's hands too, opening and closing her mouth before nodding.

With the confirmation, Luz felt the shock go through her. It was an old pain from an old wound as a dozen bad memories ran across her mind. But in the end, it was just that: an old wound.

It'd been more than ten years since Dad had…passed, and no matter what, it would always hurt. But she was working through the pain and had a far bigger family than she did back then.

Around her neck, the eclipse necklace Amity had given her for their one-year anniversary hung low like a comforting blanket. As did the Flapjack tattoo she'd gotten with her friends to remember the little Palisman. Not to mention the rings she got from Eda and Stringbean herself. All of it made her remember one simple truth:

'Camila loves you,'Stringbean said in a calming voice,'You are loved.'

She breathed in and out. Her mom loved her, just as much as she had loved dad. So, Luz would ignore the pain and listen.

Camila squeezed her hands tight with a comforting smile, "Mija, I didn't go there to meet someone. It just sort of happened. We got to talking, and he got it! He actually understood me and what I was going through…" her smile grew sad, "He understood the pain of lost love, even if his was still alive."

Luz supposed if anyone would manage to get through to Mom, it'd be a divorcee.

"We were only planning on talking about what we'd lost, but we just…we just kept finding things we had in common," Her voice sounded wistful, staring happily off into space, "We both had children we loved more than anything-" here, mom squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back. "- we both were more into nerdy things. Do you know he makes his own rubber ducks?"

"No, no I didn't." Luz said, to which Mom just laughed and rubbed the back of her head.

"Ay…why did I ask that? How would you know?" She shook her head, "He does make rubber ducks though, they're the cutest little things I've ever seen."

"Even cuter than King?" Luz had a small smile on her lips now. Mom's happiness was infectious as the two had their spirits lifted.

"Let's not go that far."

Luz laughed alongside her mom while Stringbean pouted. The Palisman batted her head against Luz's chin in playful mock annoyance at being second best to King.

"Yes, yes, you're cute too," Luz rubbed the snakeshifter's head lovingly as she formed into an actual snake. She curled around Luz's arm, resting her head against the top of the human's hand.

Between the infectious happiness and the presence of her beloved Palisman, Luz was glad to say that her tumultuous emotions were basically gone. She brought her now purple snake clad arm up to her necklace and frowned.

"I guess I just have one more question," she said, Mom looking curiously at her with a small chuckle.

"Are you happy?"

The chuckling died as Camila just looked at her daughter. Luz swallowed and braved on into uncertain territories.

"I…I know it's only been a single date, and a spontaneous one too, but…do you feel happy?"

Mom just stared down at her hands, falling silently into thought. Luz didn't rush her, nor did she say anything. Instead, she just sat there and waited.

"...he made me laugh," Camila finally said, glancing at her daughter, "I told him I was into cosplay, and he made a corny joke before offering to show me a rubber duck he made. He was overflowing with love when he talked about his daughter and…and when I talked about Manny, he listened."

Mom looked her in the eye, a seriousness there she hadn't seen since that night so long ago. When they stood before the new portal, and she had declared she was going to the demon realm with her.

"I can't say he makes me happy after a single date, Luz…but I think he could. I really do. And even if he doesn't and we end up drifting apart, I want to give it a try anyway."

Luz could do nothing at that proclamation except hug her mother tightly. Mother and daughter held one another close as they all just sat together: A girl, her mom, and the shape-shifting wooden snake that served as a family pet.

"I'm happy for you mom, I really am," Luz said, and she saw a few tears in her mom's eyes that she furiously wiped away.

"Sooo…when's the next date?" Luz teased.

Camila went bright red, "Mija, it's only been a day! I'll…I'll see if he's available next weekend." She laughed with a note of happiness in her voice as a timer went off in the kitchen, "The plantains are done!"

Luz waited for her mom to leave, a spring in her step as she made her way for the kitchen, before she leapt off the couch and bolted upstairs to her old room. She practically flung the door open as she fell on top of the floor.

She didn't even try to get up, furiously ripping everything and anything out of her pockets as that wasn't her phone. Her house keys plonked against the window and almost cracked them, her fresh stack of sticky-notes was flung into the side of the wall, loose coinage was thrown about like ballistic weaponry, and her stack of emergency glyphs…

Well, her stack of emergency glyphs wasn't flung about willy nilly, but carefully placed on the ground where it couldn't be damaged or accidentally activated. The nano-second it was on the ground though, she returned to digging through her pockets like a madwoman and would have continued fruitlessly had she not been interrupted.

'Here Luz!'Stringbean said, the floating Palisman having her iPhone in mouth and looking at Luz affectionately,'Silly Luz! Forgot you gave the phone to Stringbean. Stringbean keep.'

Luz quickly thanked her Palisman and was vibrating in excitement as she scrolled to quick-dial and selected the little slug emoji.

Ringing, ringing, ringing…

"I'm sorry," the tiny voice of the message box said, "But the person you are-"

She dialed again.

"I'm sorry, but the-"

And again.

"I'm sorry, bu-"

And again.

"I'm so-"

With every failed call, another followed through, Luz's excitement growing each time. She was practically hovering, her hands shaking as she held the phone in a vice grip-

'Breath Luz,'Stringbean, ever dependable and reliable, was there to calm her down with some Palisman snuggles,'Sister will be there no matter what.'

Luz calmed down, deeply breathing in and out. She repeated this process until she was as relaxed as possible. Admittedly, it wasn't much, but it was better than before. Finally, she decided she would only call one last time and that would be it. Her fingers hit the recall button and she waited.

Ringing, ringing, ringi-

"HOLY sh*t!" Her adopted sister's voice was full of annoyance, and a not so little amount of anger, as the sounds of a restaurant echoed in the background,"What is so important that you decided to call me fifteen times in a row!?"

"HolycrapVeeguesswhat!?" Luz practically screamed into the phone, the excitement from earlier not only reaching previous levels, but exceeding them. Beside her, Stringbean sighed and shook her head.

"Luz, I'm in the middle of dinner, withMasha,"She stressed her significant other's name on the last bit, her voice still incredibly annoyed,"Please tell me it's an emergency and-actually, no wai-"

"Momisdatingagainandsheseemssohappy!" The string of words Luz said blended together into a mish-mash of noise that, while somewhat resembling human language, was nothing even close. The confused noise that Vee let out was an indication of her failure to get across the monumental news, so she prepared to let out another string of noise-

'Breath, silly girl,'Stringbean said, nuzzling the back of her head.

-and instead took a deep breath, centering herself as she got her excitement under control.

"Luz, look, I really want to treat Masha to something special. So if it isn't an emergency, could you-?"

"Mom is dating someone and they hooked up last night!" Luz said as calmly as she could. There was a sound like someone was choking, the sound of a phone hitting something hard, raised voices, and then Vee came back on the line.

"What!?" The basilisk amongst humanity yelled into the phone, shock and excitement evident in her voice.

"Mom," Luz began again with just as much excitement, "Is now dating someone and they hooked up last night."

The noise Vee let out could only be described as a squee.

"Babe, what the hell is going on?"Masha asked from the background.

"GRAB THE BREADSTICKS, MASHA! WE'RE GOING BACK TO GRAVESFIELD YESTERDAY!"Vee screamed as there was a lot of movement in the background. Luz also heard yelling for someone to pay.

"Screw it. If we're dining and dashing, I'm taking the lasagne too."

"Crazy girls must pay! That lasagne belongs to the Di Martello family!"


Vee yelled out, the sounds of screaming, more yelling, and crashing glass echoed out of the phone,"MOVE IT HOT STUFF! MOVE IT!"

Luz heard a car door open and close before an engine roaring came through.

"Luz?"Vee's voice was calmer now, but still just as excited,"Luz, tell me everything: Who's this person? What's their name? Where're they from? How'd they meet mom? Have you met them yet? What-?"

The questions continued and Luz answered each and every one as best she could. Outside the door, Camila smiled and walked back downstairs. She was glad that both her girls were taking the news well.

She wondered briefly if Lucius' family was doing the same.


"And we're back with our top story! 'Lucifer Morningstar: Single and Ready to Mingle'?"

A shaky camera footage played of Charlie, Lucifer, Bee, and Ozzie talking behind the stage of the Royal Convocation. The video was taken from above, as if the taker was hanging from the rafters.

"I wasn't with Lilith last night," Lucifer said shyly, his voice only slightly garbled from the camera quality, "I…I actually met someone else. Someone…someone I clicked with and we sort of, well, that is to say…" He took a deep breath and smiled, "I'm dating someone now."

"Oi, what're ya doing there ya freeloader?" Mammon's voice interrupted the Sins and Charlie's reaction. The gloved hand of Greed himself came down and crushed the camera, "No free movies-"

The video cut off and it shifted back to the original speakers: a group of well dressed, if scantily clad, succubi and incubi sitting on a massive round couch in a glitzy studio.

"what does the King of Hell being back on the market mean for yo-"


Five imps in suits and ties argued incessantly while an ever-growing conspiracy board webbed out behind them. They'd clearly been arguing for a while. Currently, an image of succubus pop sensation, Verosika Mayday, was on screen behind them, pressing her hand into the camera angrily as she walked away from the shot. The words "Verosika Mayday denies sleeping with Lucifer Morningstar" were present beneath the picture.

"Why in Satan's name would Verosika Mayday deny dating the king if she was actually boning him? Do you know what kind of glory she could snag with the Morningstar Dynasty behind her pop-empire?" One of them, a heavyset imp with obviously fake horns yelled out at a thin and reedy looking imp in glasses. Said imp also had fake horns.

"It makes more sense than your stupid 'Oh, actually, the Greek Gods are real and he's dating Aphrodite' theory," The imp said as another imp, also with fake horns, nodded along, "Verosika's rich, famous, and just bitchy enough to make our king cheat on his wife. Also, unlike Aphrodite, she's real."

A stocky looking imp with, you guessed it, fake horns snorted to himself, "You're only calling her a bitch cause she refused to autograph your chest."

The second imp let out a war cry and launched himself over the desk and at him, "I told you that inCONFIDENCEyou di-"


"-ck again with everyone's favorite new game show: Lucifer's Next Sidepiece! I'm your host, Scaramouche! And today, we're going to explore who could be the next queen of hell!"

The unseen audience clapped along as the aquatic hellborn from Greed, his many fangs glinting behind a golden grill, smiled and waved to the cameras. A massive neon sign dropped down from the ceiling in front of golden threaded curtains and above a line-up of gorgeous demons. All of whom were of every shape, size, and gender.

The host was currently shaking hands with a Goetia Demoness, her white, snow-like feathers standing out as she sneered at both the audience and her competition.

"I'm standing here with Stella of the Ars Goetia. Now Stella, tell us: What brought you to the show?"

The towering Goetia laughed. It was a cruel and haughty thing as she actually pressed a feathered hand against her mouth like a villain, "Simple, Scaradouche: Money. I live a very lavish lifestyle and since my limp-dick ex-husband divorced me most cruelly-"

Boos echoed out from the crowd, only half of them half-hearted.

"-I need a new wallet with legs to fund me for eternity. Who better than the King of Hell?" She preened and looked pleased with herself.

The host looked a little uncomfortable as he looked from Stella to the rest of the demons behind them, "And…um, who else came because of money?"

With many an awkward shuffle and hastily avoided eye-contact, every demon (each one glammed out to the nines with enough jewelry to fund a small nation) raised their hands.

"Christ on a stick…" The host muttered.


A flashy intro played out as the Voxnet logo appeared on screen. Vox, head of the Vees (The overlord triad of Hell, not the basilisk of Earth) was presiding over his studio. The flat-screen TV headed Overlord, garbed in his electric blue pinstripe suit, sat behind his desk. A cup of something steaming and hot was in his hands as he interviewed one of his fellow Vees.

"-back again with my good friend, Velvette. Vel, honey, sweetie: who do you think the king's newest piece of ass is?" Vox asked, amusem*nt dripping from his voice as the Sinstagram sensation and Overlord of the fashion/modeling industry chuckled. She co*cked a grin at the screen.

The TV screen that is, not Vox's screen.

"Well Voxy-" The dark skinned and dark pink haired Overlord looked snazzy today in her designer jacket and skinny jeans. She kicked her heel clad feet on top of the table and filed her nails, "Some out there are saying it's that old hag, Carmine, but puh-lease! She's way past the hill. It's probably a human witch wanting to birth the antichrist into existence... Or someone wanting access to the power and prestige that being the Devil's mistress will bring."

"Sounding a little envious there, Vel," Vox said with a laugh, his Laugh Track playing in the background.

"It's like this: If I were them, I would've jumped him a long time ago for even a fraction of his money and power."

"Ha! Like you'd leave Val and I for him, right Vel?"

Velvette continued to file her nails in silence.

"Vel? Vel, I noticed you haven't answered my questi-"


"Okay!" A clearly disturbed looking sinner was standing before an even worse looking conspiracy board that had Belphegor and Lucifer connected by at least twenty seven different strings, "Here's how Lucegor can still win folks-"


"-as a number of sinners across Pride rise up to claim that they and they alone are our King's newest sugar baby!" Tom Trench, sinner and eternal anchorman, said into the mic as the glossy eyes of his gasmask stared into the camera.

His fellow sinner and eternal nemesis, Katie Killjoy, grinned hastily, "Already we've had several high note rises and falls as every gold-digger, skan*, leech, psycho, and every other flavor of desperate all crawl out of the woodwork to claim their time in the spotlight before inevitably falling down into the ditch."

The scene cuts to the outskirts of Pride where a giant crowd of sinners and hellborn gathered outside the gates of the Morningstar Government Office/Castle. All of them desperate to claim the King of Hell's eye for less than reputable reasons.

"We actually have twenty three interviews with various claimants for Lucifer's rebound. They've already got book deals and Voxnet slots for upcoming shows-"


Charlie finally gave up and just turned the TV off, falling back to bed with a dazed groan. She grabbed her pillow and pressed it against her face in a vain attempt to block out the world.

It didn't work. The world still existed.

Two comforting weights snuggled up on her chest. Razzle and Dazzle, her adorable and cute little goat-butlers, curled up on their mistress's chest in an attempt to comfort her. It still didn't work, but she appreciated the effort enough to hug them back as they made cooing noises in response.

She was still clad in her sleep clothes, not really feeling the need to get dressed as she just lay there listlessly. Eventually, she got bored of covering her face with a pillow and let go of Dazzle (who let out the most adorable whine ever) and flung the pillow away…somewhere. She didn't know where, nor did she care. Not when the chances of her parents getting back together were nonexistent.

When Charlie was a child, her parents had been the be all and end all of romance. How could they not be? They were the original dreamers! The original star-crossed lovers!The Story of Hellwas practically about them falling in a love so pure and passionate that Heaven itself trembled.

When she was young, she wanted a romance just like her parents'. The King and Queen of Hell were the example by which she compared all her previous relationships.

And now that relationship is over and done with.

When she had heard her parents were divorcing, she had been confused and shocked. The original dreamers were splitting? Why? What's gone wrong? Could she fix it?

She spent a long time blaming herself. She knew she shouldn't have, but she did. If she'd been more observant, maybe she would have seen whatever problems they were having and helped fix them.

Maybe she could have spent more time with them? Maybe she could have talked to them together? Maybe she could have seen or said something that would have fixed things? Maybe, maybe, maybe…

Except it was too late to do anything now. Her parents were split, and Dad had moved on.

Ten thousand years of marriage over and done with. The romance that created Hell and set the bar for relationships was just…justdone.

And after almost seven years of barely talking to her, Dad disappears for a day and makes the whole realm think he's dead, only so he could run off and shack up with some…some…somescarlet woman!

A white-hot spark of rage works through her, but it's quickly consumed by guilt. She didn't even know the woman and she was resorting to name calling? She was utterly pathetic. Couldn't save her parents' marriage, and now blaming someone just for her dad giving up on mom?

That was something Charlie didn't want to think about. Not the ten-thousand years of marriage he was giving up on, not the kingdom he left behind to do so, not whatever gold-digging hussy he had decided to hook up with…

Where does he get the damn nerve!?Charlie sat up, Razzle and Dazzle flapping about in worry as she hugged her knees to her chest,Where does he get the damn nerve to just…just forget about mom and move on after only seven years!?

An ugly, black feeling pooled in her gut. It was something insidious, hateful, hurting, and wanted to make itself someone else's problem. She tried to crush it down, but it returned even stronger.

Ten-thousand years of marriage gone, yet only after seven years did Dad decide,'You know what? Working to get it back is too hard. I think I'll just bum around and sleep with whoever.'

Why wasn't he fighting for mom? Why didn't he care enough to fight?

Charlie grabbed Razzle close, the goat-butler letting out an adorable squeak as she hugged him tightly against her chest. Dazzle flew atop her head and landed like a crown upon her hair, sticking his tongue out and looking at her cutely.

The dark anger was fading, but not completely.

Charlie bet it was whoever he was seeing! They'd suckered him in with…with physical affection! Of a sexual nature! Oh, she could just see it now: The floozy, after convincing her father to fall for her…herphysical wiles, was whispering in his ear and making him forget about Lilith entirely!

Or maybe they aren't that bad, an annoyingly loud part of her said, the same part that believed in second chances for the people of Hell,Maybe they thought he didn't have a woman worth fighting for?

Another wave of guilt washed through her. Once again, she was blaming someone she'd never met for her father's mistake.

Where did he get off just giving up on mom!? Why did he think this was okay!? Why did he do it?

A cold realization washed over her and she froze up completely. Maybe the problem wasn't whatever floozy he was seeing.

Maybe it was with her?

She'd lived with her parents too and hadn't seen anything. Not a damn thing wrong and yet something must have been happening! Maybe she was blind? Maybe she was a naive idiot who didn't know anything, just like everyone said she was behind her back?

Or maybe it was worse than that. Dadbarelytalked to her, after all. He only called when he wanted something. Mom hadn't talked to her in seven years, not since the divorce was finalized and she disappeared off the face of Hell. Tears began to fall from her face as the evidence continued to mount.

Dad had been so happy when she moved out. Oh sure, he said it was because he was proud of her, but what if that was a lie? After all, he only called when he absolutely needed to for some favor or chore. Never to see how she was actually doing.

Mom never talked to her, never returned her calls, and never responded to her texts. Charlie always believed it to be because she was off doing something important, but what if that was just wishful thinking?

Charlie gripped her legs so tightly that she drew blood. Her fingernails turned into claws as she lost control of her emotions and physical form.

Was she what drove her parents apart? Ten thousand years of happy, blissful marriage, and only when she comes into existence do they decide to split up. Her mom would empower Hell through song but stopped after the divorce. Her dad would govern the realm but stopped after the divorce.

Am I the problem?

Two red comets collided with her as the tears began to fall. Razzle and Dazzle curled up next to her, booping her gently with their squishy little noses. All she could think about was how her father was now in the arms of a gold-digger, how her mom left everyone, and it wascompletely her fault!

The door to her room opened and Vaggie poked her head in, "Charlie, you have a visi-"

The hidden angel gasped as she saw Charlie openly weeping, curled up on the bed in her full demon form. Razzle and Dazzle hugged her and gently baa'd in an effort to provide comfort. At the sight, Vaggie flung the door open and rushed to her girlfriend's side.

"Charlie! Charlie, what's-"

"Vaggie-" Charlie tried to speak through her tears, letting out hiccups from how hard she was crying, "I-I-I broke up my parents and it's all my fault and-and-and-"

Vaggie grabbed hold of Charlie as she cried her eyes out, "Charlie, you didn't-"

"Yes I did!" She wailed, clinging to Vaggie while Razzle and Dazzle held her close, "They were together for so long! Then ten thousand years o-over and done with only when I come around because everyone was right about me an-and-and-"

"Charlie. Baby, listen to me," Vaggie held her girlfriend's shoulders tightly, staring deep into the princess' eyes with her own. The one-eyed angel tried to convey as much love and support as she could.

"This? None of this is your fault. Your dad…he screwed up, not you. The marriage ending had nothing to do with you. And I never want to hear you say something so horrible about yourself ever again."

"But it's true," she said, her heart breaking, "Mom is gone and she never talks to me. Dad never talks to me-"

"And that's on him," Vaggie was deathly afraid of the Morning Star. All heavenly creatures were, but she was perfectly willing to throw down with the King of Hell himself for making her beloved cry. Even if she failed, she swore she'd punch him in his stupid face one day.

"He didn't call you. He didn't even try. That's on him, not you," Vaggie kept her words light, her voice comforting as she stroked Charlie's golden locks, "If you ask me, he's the problem, not you."

"She's right."

The two girls looked to see Lucifer standing sadly by the door, wringing his hands as he looked at them. Vaggie leveled a venomous glare at him as she held Charlie close, the princess staring with watery eyes at her father.

"...dad?" Charlie asked in such a small voice that Lucifer's heart broke all over again.

Lucifer sighed, his shoulders sagging as he made his way over to the bed. He took special note of how lovingly the one-eyed woman was holding his daughter, but resolved to follow that up later. Right now, his daughter needs him.

Even Razzle and Dazzle were glaring at him, though they looked more disappointed in him than mad. Somehow, that was far worse.

"I don't know what I did, but Lilith made it clear she didn't want to be married anymore," Lucifer explained, looking down at his hands, "She…we'd been growing distant for a while at that point, but I never…I didnt think-"

"So I was blind then?" Charlie gave out a bitter laugh through her tears, "Stupid Charlie didn't see anything again-"

"Charlie, no. Don't say that!" Vaggie held her girlfriend in a comforting hug and glared at the king from over her shoulder, angrily mouthing,'Fix this.'

"I didn't see anything either," Lucifer said with another bone-deep sigh. It hurt to admit it, rankling the Sin of Pride to his core. But he'd weather the discomfort a thousand times over for his daughter, "It struck me out of the blue, the morning your Mother told me she wanted to leave. I didn't see it coming at all…and maybe that's why it hurt so badly that I fell apart."

He began to stroke his daughter's hair, calming her down as she slowly stopped crying. Vaggie kept murmuring words of encouragement into her ear while Razzle and Dazzle cuddled up to her.

It was a family circle of love, and one that Charlie desperately needed.

"I love you Charlie, I love you so much. I know I…I haven't been a good father lately. But it's not because of you. It's me." Charlie snorted and he went on quickly, "I mean it! I fell apart hard and just…just stopped caring about a lot of things. I was a sh*tty parent, ignoring you in favor of wallowing in my grief. My problems are my problems, none of them because of you." Lucifer swallowed nervously with an uncertain expression, "I…I hope one day you can forgive me."

Charlie slowly extracted herself from everyone to look at him. Her eyes were completely puffy with tear tracks running down her face. A shot of pure guilt ran through Lucifer as he realized this, this pain his daughter was suffering, washisdoing.

"If you-" Charlie began with a sniffle, her voice shaky, "If you really mean it, if you really want me to forgive you then…then justtalkto me. No more long silences, no more asking me for chores as the only reason you reach out, no more…just…I…" She stared right in the eye and into the very core of his being, "I want my father back."

What could Lucifer do but nod? What could he do but echo a promise to be there more and more? At the sight of the shaky smile on her face, he felt immense relief. They were far from fixed, but hopefully, with time, they could recapture what was lost.

"What, uh…what do you want to talk about first?" He asked lamely, his eyes shifting all over the room for anything he could strike up a conversation about. It would be the first one in a while where his depression did not drag him down into a slump of non-existence, so it had to be perfect.

His eyes fell on Vaggie, who stiffened under the King of Hell's gaze as she crossed her arms defiantly.

"Maybe we could start by talking about your, uh…friend?" He tried, giving Charlie an in as Vaggie started wringing her hands and looking away.

"Um, well," Charlie nervously smiled and dragged Vaggie in front of her. The one-eyed woman gave an awkward smile of her own and waved hello, "This…this is Vaggie. She's my girlfriend."

Lucifer blinked, but a happy grin broke out across his face. "Oh my golly- you like girls? So do I! We have so much in common!" He grabbed the two of them into a hug, his movements forcibly energetic, "How did you two meet? Was it nice? Oh, I have so many things to ask about-"

Charlie couldn't help but laugh. It was a shaky thing, but it was there. She laughed, the pain slowly replacing itself with love as she and her dad talked,trulytalked, for the first time in years.

Despite that, she still wasn't okay. She wasn't sure what she was going to do about her mom, about her dad, or about the woman her dad was dating now, especially if her worst fears were true and she really was some horrible power/gold seeker out to use her father in some scheme and then throw him away afterwards.

Charlie wasn't okay.

But she was getting there, and that's what mattered.


I can see no canon changes arising from this.

In the next chapter: Finally, blessedly, a second date is planned

Chapter 5: Ozzie and Froggie plan a date with Lucy


Lucifer, not knowing how to do a date, asks the only person he knows in a happy relationship (that he isn't mad at right now) how to plan a date

Chapter Text

In Lust, there was only one rule: Go forth and be happy (with consent).

Above the ring was the swirling maelstrom through which the energy of Hell permeated into dazzling lights and auroras. Vast forests of crystalline trees rose up into breath-taking sights as delicate mountains cast a lovely shade upon the denizens of the ring.

Just don't ask what shape the mountains were.

At the center was a megacity made up of the sex-shops, brothels, strip-clubs, and other venues of both affordable affection and the supplies thereof. It wasn't the congested and heavily polluted morass of Greed, the wild lands of Wrath, the gilded glamor of Gluttony, the cold void of Envy, nor was it the medical labyrinthine Sloth.

No, Lust was designed to be pleasing to the eye by the explicit order of Asmodeus himself.

High above the central megacity was a truly colossal art-piece of a skyscraper that rose high above the skyline. Colored a bright pink with many office complexes and side-towers, it was the personal home of Asmodeus, and a testament to the beauty of Lust.

The penthouse atop it was shaped to resemble a wind-chime, slowly turning so the skyline would change with the hour to those who resided inside. Succubi and Incubi, working alongside simple laborer imps, made up the workforce of Asmodeus' home. The working conditions of the truly massive office-arcology were the envy of all who didn't work there.

Deep within the Sin of Lust's bedroom, a tiny figure stirred within a cocoon of the fluffiest blankets in all of Hell. Fizzarolli yawned, scratching the top of his burned face right beneath the bottom of one of his broken horns. The quadriplegic imp sat up and stretched until he loosened the muscles just enough. Being an acrobatic jester and the face of a multi-media empire was tiring, exhausting, utterlysoul-drainingwork.

Fizz was glad to finally, thankfully be rid of it all.

He carefully slotted his robotic arms into place. The new Lust-Ring brand arms were in a stylish, sleek purple that almost looked like real skin and flesh rather than his old Mammon Industries ones.

Fizz looked around his and Ozzie's room. The dark and muted purples blending together to give off a warm reminder of Ozzie no matter where you looked. The bed was massive and circular, designed to hold up the Sin of Lust as curtains and veils hung from hooks in a waterfall of fabric. It had more blankets than they'd ever need, each one fluffier than the last. All Fizz wanted to do was snuggle back into them and avoid the world.

Normally, he'd be out and about, already planning his lovely Ozzie's day. But right now, he wanted to take the time to just enjoy himself and sleep. He finally had time to himself with no paparazzi to hound him.

The Infernal News Media had finally,finallytaken their attention off him and Ozzie's love life. The scandal of one of the Six Sins dating a lowly imp was nothing at all compared to Lucifer himself entering the dating world. Fizz hated to say it, but he was glad that the news was tearing apart every tiny, infinitesimal detail of Lucifer's every action and comment to find even the slightest hint about the identity of his mystery lover. It meant that he wasn't being dragged through the coals as "Jumped-Up Carnival Trash Smearing Lusts Good Name."

An actual anchor said that, on air, before all of Hell after the announcement at Mammon's Clown Competition, much to Ozzie's wrath. Fizz had never seen him that mad before, and they were still finding pieces of the guy scattered throughout the rings. Not enough to make a whole body, but enough to say with certainty that he was dead as a doornail.

In any case, the scandal had rocked the seven rings. Sure, Pride didn't give a sh*t since they were mostly sinners and thus slightly separate from the infernal hierarchy, but every other ring with all the hellborn demons did. To be an imp was to be the lowest of the low, and one had won the heart of Lust himself.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Ozzie entered the bedroom with a tray of Hellboar bacon and scrambled phoenix eggs. The truly massive sin strutted up to him, burning head smiling. He proudly wore the "Kiss The Cook" apron Fizz had bought him (it was meant to be a gag gift) a few months back as he brought the tray, one bigger than Fizz was tall, up to the bed.

"I thought…" Ozzie said, the massive Sin smiling down at him with all three of his faces. The bright blue fire around his head solidified until it turned into a rather glorious mane of hair that Fizz could say with certainty was soft as silk, "Since we actually have a day to ourselves, we'd maybe just lay in bed and do nothing until tomorrow."

Fizz smiled and began to dig in, gesturing to the room's windows, "This has got to be the first time I haven't seen any news choppers hovering right outside in, what, three weeks?"

Asmodeus fell back into the bed with a sigh, sending both Fizz and his massive tray of breakfast into the air with the sheer force of his landing. Fizz found himself caught and placed on his favorite spot in the world: Ozzie's chest, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad we're out of the spotlight."

"No crazy reporters hounding us," Fizz said as he ate away at his phoenix eggs.

"No protesters from other rings showing up," Ozzie shot back, resting his blue hands behind his head and staring up at the chandelier.

"No kidnapping attempts."

"Noscumbagssaying filthy things about you on TV."

"You and me, all alone, nobody to bother us for hours…" Fizz chuckled with desire as a robotic finger trailed down Ozzie's chin, "Whatever will we do?"

Asmodeus captured his chin in a bright blue hand. Together, they leaned in to share what would be the prelude to a helluva day-

~Ring ring~

Asmodeus sighed in annoyance as he carefully set the phone to ignore the call. "Now," He purred, "Where were-"

~Ring ring~

Fizz frowned as Asmodeus sighed even harder this time. "Are you gonna take that?" Fizz asked, "It could be important."

"Nothing is more important than you, Froggie," Asmodeus said, causing Fizz to preen like a princess as the Sin turned his phone off, "Okay, phone off and nobody else home. Let's do thi-"

A knock at their door sounded.

There shouldn't be anyone else in the penthouse and yet there was a knock on their bedroom door. Fizzarolli and Asmodeus froze up, the latter slowly frowning as he grew in size and let his internal fires become external.

"Who the f*ck got into my penthouse?" Ozzie growled, the Sin stomping off towards the door. Fizz spidered his way off to get a better angle of attack. If this was yetanotherassassination attempt, he was going to aid his lover no matter what.

Ozzie opened the door and growled out loud, his anger brewing from defensiveness, "I don't know who the f*ck you think you are, but you have five seconds to-LUCY!?"




Fizz felt his jaw drop at the sight. Here was the King of Hell, covering his eyes like a blushing schoolgirl while Ozzie pulled down the front of his apron like an embarrassed maiden. Two of Hell's leaders were practically screaming like madmen at one another.

Fizz groaned, feeling he should've just gone back to bed.


"So! What brings you to my private residencewithout asking at all, your majesty?" Asmodeus, now dressed in his signature open-chested suit with knee-cropped pants, asked the King of Hell, his voice filled with false cheer.

Fizz hadn't gotten a good look at him during Charlie's aborted coronation a few days ago, but the one thing he was surprised by was just howshorthe was. Lucifer Morningstar was at least a head shorter than Fizz, and he was a damn imp for Satan's sake! The Sin of Pride was sitting in one of the nicer chairs (That were for sitting only! Nothing else), awkwardly shuffling about and trying to look anywhere but at his longtime friend.

"It's…it's a very nice place you got here! Very…purple?" The king finally said as he cringed, leaving Fizz wondering if thinking the King was a colossal dork counted as high treason.

"Lucy…" Ozzie sighed in annoyance and managed to look expectantly at the king, who slumped in his chair.

"I…need help with something. And you're the only person I can turn to. Well, you and Bee, but I'm mad at her for airing my secret to all of Hell," The king crossed his arms and pouted.

I'm not, Fizz thought. The second he realized that the paparazzi would be gone for a very long while as they ignored the story of the century for the story of the millennium, he'd gone out and bought her a Queives puppy as thanks. Bee changed her Sinstagram handle to #pupmom while somehow getting the puppy a verified account and over 3 million followers within the hour.

"I just…" Lucifer Morningstar cringed, winced, sighed, and then looked resolute. All within five seconds, "I need relationship advice."

Ozzie and Fizz both sat still, not quite registering his words. There was a startled gasp from Ozzie as he smiled from ear to ear. Fizz felt a large smile break out on his own face as well.

"Lucy! Why didn't you just say so?" Ozzie asked as he got up, grabbed the back of Lucifer's chair, and started pushing it towards one of his personal mirrors while Fizz made his way over via arm swings.

"I tried calling but you didn't answer," The king explained.

"I was preoccupied. So…" Ozzie brought his massive throne over and settled into it, now having a little circle of chairs where he and Fizz leaned in close to hear what the king had to say, "Tell me, Lucy, what do you need help with?"

Lucifer took a deep breath, looking dignified…before he shot forward, grabbed Ozzie by his lapels, and began shaking him back and forth while hyperventilating, "I don't know what to do! I've never dated anyone before whowasn'tLilith! It's been two days and I still haven't texted her! Am I a horrible person? Should I have done it sooner? Should I-"

"Lucy? Lucy! Calm down!" Asmodeus led Lucifer back to his chair and sat him down. He looked down at the king with worry in his glowing yellow eyes, "It's actually best that you didn't text right away. You could've come across as clingy."

"Are you sure?" He asked with a shaky voice.

"Lucy, I'm the Sin of Lust. Romance is my specialty."

"I thought it was sex?"

Asmodeus coughed into his fist, "Sex is a part of romance, so it counts."

"I don't think that's how it works."

NowAsmodeus leveled a small glare down at him, "Do you want to spend time arguing about what my job is, or do you want me to help you?"

"The second one, please," The king squeaked out.

"Thank you," Asmodeus breathed out and then plopped down in front of the king, sitting with his clawed feet crossed, "Now, tell me what you want to try and have me help with."

"I'm…I want to see if she's free this weekend," Lucifer looked frightened, clutching the Hellphone in his hand like a vice, "I just-with everything going on I want to see if there's anything there. Camila said she works most days on call, whatever that means, so I'm gonna see if she's free this weekend and ask her out."

He then started freaking the hell out, "Except I don't know how! Do I call her? Text? Do I keep it casual? Formal? What should I do? I tried asking the Infernalnet and they were…no, just no," He looked at Ozzie pleadingly and whined, "Help me!"

Camila, huh?Fizz noted, curious despite himself about the identity everyone in Hell was gnawing at the bit to find out. He and Asmodeus now knew more than anyone else in Hell, save for possibly the royal family.

Camila was an odd name for a demon, but he'd heard odder. She was a working woman, which crossed out the Goetia demons since those blue bloods wouldn't know an honest day's labor if it bit them in the ass (except maybe Stolas but that was neither here nor there). 'On Call' was a term Fizz recognized from back when he was getting his limb implants. Medical field.

A medic demon named Camila from the lower classes? Eat your heart out Katie Killjoy. Turns out all your theories are hot garbage,Fizz made sure to burn that info into his mind so he and Ozzie could join in on guessing who'd ensnared the king. Just because they wanted the hunt to continue onto infinity didn't mean they weren't playing along.

Asmodeus looked interested and his right head looked down at him. He nodded to confirm he'd memorized the info and the Sin of Lust looked grateful.

"So you want help figuring out what to say?" Asmodeus asked, and the king nodded furiously.

"What did you and young…I'm sorry, I don't actually know your name," The king turned to him, to him! The king of hell was talking to a lowly imp like he mattered! If the gossip rags had a field day with him dating a Sin, they'd have an apocalyptic meltdown at this.

"Fizzarolli, sir. You can call me Fizz," He…he didn't actually know how to address the king. Should he bow? Curtsy? Some esoteric blueblood dance that imps weren't high enough on the food chain to know about? Before he could freak out or turn to Ozzie for advice, the king reached out, grabbed his hand, and shook it furiously.

"Nice to meet you, Fizz! My name's Lucifer, but you already knew that," The king laughed awkwardly, "I'm so glad Oz found someone after so long. You must be good for him, so I'll say you're alright in my book. Never believed in that class nonsense myself but the Ars Goetia love their stupid little rules. But I have been talking for an uncomfortably long time. I think I'll stop uh…"

The king trailed off as he carefully extracted his hand and looked to Ozzie, "How do I start? Wait, how did you and Fizz get a second date?"

Ozzie chuckled and rubbed the back of his head, not looking at the king. Fizz, meanwhile, blushed at the memory of that night. Of course, telling the king, who was looking for relationship advice, that your second date was 'Eyes Wide Shut' would most likely not go over well.

"Err…" Ozzie was struggling to find anything not sex-related to tell the king (Fizz could tell after so many years together). An idea popped into his head. "The ducks, sir!" Ozzie suggested, "Show her the ducks!"

The ducks were kinda lame and hokey, more likely to get a laugh out of the demoness, but meme sharing was important. It was basically the secondary love language of people nowadays. Either way, the king's eyes lit up and he pulled a full squadron of ducks out of his pockets before taking a hundred pictures of each of them-

"Slow down, your majesty," Asmodeus said, placing a hand on the king's shoulders, "Maybe just…one duck?"

"I know just what to do!" Lucifer exclaimed as he summoned up a small city and started placing ducks down…


TheGood Witch Azuramovie played in the background as Camila made enchiladas for her and Luz. She was even making some homemade verde for the dish as she chopped up her lime and cilantro. But before she could finish up on seasoning the chicken, her phone buzzed.

She idly checked it, only to blink. It was an image from an unknown number of four ducks dressed like a barbershop quartet. The ducks were carefully arranged around a small light post.

'Look at my Barberduck quartet.'

'This is Lucius btw.'

'HiA Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (2)'


She smiled as she looked at the picture he sent. The ducks truly were quite cute, much like he was, if she were honest.

'Hello Lucius.'

'How have you been doing?'

She giggled to herself, feeling like a teenager again. Here she was, just waiting for a boy to text back and make her alright day into a good one. God, if her parents could see her now…

She waited for the response.


"She wants to know how I've been doing?" Lucifer cried, pacing a hole into the plush carpet as he stared at the phone like it declared eternal vengeance against him, "What do I say?"

"What do you mean she'wants to know how you're doing?'" Ozzie asked, confused, "Isn't it kinda obvious how you've been if you turn on the news?"

Lucifer stared at them and just laughed. It was the kind of thing that only those who knew they screwed up could pull off: High pitched with a tinge of desperation and horror.

So she doesn't have access to Hell's news cycle,Fizz mentally added to the info known about the mysterious Camila.

Wrath and Sloth had no access to the news, or much of the Infernalnet in general. Wrath by choice because Satan didn't believe in it. Sloth because nobody wanted to go there due to how depressing the forests were.

Asmodeus waited for anything, even the smallest kernel of information. He sighed upon realizing he wasn't getting an answer out of the king as to why she didn't know.

"Just be suave, your majesty," Asmodeus said comfortingly, kneeling down before the pacing king, "Repeat after me-"


'I'm doing much better now that I'm talking to you againA Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (3)'


Camila laughed to herself, her face red as she tried to calm down. The absolute nerve of that man, telling her something like that! She tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. Before she could respond at all, Luz and Stringbean came down the stairs.

"Hey mom, have you seen my-" She took one look at the scene and realized what was going on. A high-pitched noise of pure glee left Luz's mouth, her and Stringbean rushing forward and practically gluing themselves to Camila's shoulders. "Is it him? Is he texting you?" She gasped with stars in her eyes, "Is he asking you out!?"

"Mija! He's only just started talking!" She chided before a look of worry crossed her face, "And he's already brought out the compliments. How do I respond? Do I just…?"

Luz grabbed a chair from the table and sat down backwards in it, resting her arms on the back of the chair itself. Staring down her mom, she asked, "He's already sending compliments? Isn't it a little bit early?"

Camila chuckled, twirling a strand of hair, "I…I really don't mind, Luz."

Before either of them could respond, another text came.

'Btw, are you free this weekend?'

Camila stared, eyes wide as saucers. Luz and Stringbean shook in pure excitement as twin squees left their mouths.


"WHY DID YOU SEND THAT?" Asmodeus asked, shocked as his fire went haywire.

Lucifer cringed away on his chair, "I don't know, I panicked!"

"You don't ask her out for another hour you idiot! You build up to it with rapport and compliments till she feels ready for it!" Asmodeus chided in annoyance as Lucifer grabbed the brim of his top hat, pulling it over his eyes with a groan.

"Ozzie's right, your majesty." Fizz explained, grabbing a pair of glasses out of the humongous drawer next to the nightstand. He slipped them on and began to enter 'teacher mode', as he called it, "Just asking out of the gate will put pressure on her to respond, rather than having it come up naturally during conversation. Plus, it's kinda needy."

The noise of despair that left Lucifer's mouth would've made even the forests of Sloth tremble in pure depression. And those tree's sucked already.

"Alright," Lucifer said just a bit hysterically, "I'll just take it back and-"

Fizz used his extension mods to grab the phone right out of the king's hands, bringing it close to his chest, "No, your majesty! That will show non-commitment. You can't backtrack now, or she'll think you're desperate and flaky!"

Whatever problems Lucifer had now increased as he wallowed, "Oh dear Father this is bad! It's not even been a week and I already screwed up! Oh hell, I'm such a failure-"

"Hey, hey, hey, let's not be doing that right now," Asmodeus came over and sat with the king, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, "You made a tiny mistake, but it was done out of good faith. She'll probably laugh it off and move o-"

A ding of notification and Lucifer threw the titanic Ozzie's hand off his shoulder hard enough to make the Sin fall backwards. He rushed forward with such determination in his eyes that Fizz found himself backing up nervously until his back hit the bed frame behind him. The king simply looked up into Fizz's eyes, yet there was such presence in them that he might as well have been sneering down from a golden throne atop a pyramid of steel.

"Sir Fizzarolli?"

Fizz gulped, and Asmodeus looked ready to intervene, "Y-yes your majesty?"

"My phone, please."

Fizz held out the phone, Lucifer taking it before his expression crumpled back into fearful desperation as he read out the message.

'I am free this weekend, yes. And still want to go on that second date.'

A high-pitched noise of excitement left Lucifer's mouth.


A high-pitched noise of excitement left Luz's mouth.

The tee-no she was in college now, which made her a young woman. The thought made Camila smile ruefully. Where on earth had the time gone? One minute Luz was out picking flowers that her father placed around the backyard in a scavenger hunt, and now here she was: a college student studying wild magic.

The young woman glued herself back to Camila's shoulder and asked, "Okay, so if he asks you out, what are you gonna say?"


"Okay, fair," Luz breathed in before she let out an utter stream of consciousness, "But is it going to be casual? Formal? Will you be meeting in town or at the house? Will he drive? Will you? Wha-"

"Breathe, Luz," Camila chided with a soft expression. Stringbean bumped her head against her witch's shoulder comfortingly.

"Sorry, sorry, just got a little excited," Luz explained, her expression a little embarrassed, "I'm just…this is so exciting, isn't it? I want to try and help out as much as I can!"

Camila smiled, echoing the feeling of love in her chest as she grabbed her daughter's hands, "Mija, thank you. I'm happy you're taking it well." They both smiled at one another, "But there's not a lot either of us can do if it doesn't work out."

Together, the two of them stared at the little bubbles indicating he was typing.


"Lucy, really, I would love nothing more than to host the two of you." Asmodeus explained gently, holding up his hands in surrender.

"I have told you several times now that I can't!" The king said, sounding annoyed, "I can't explain, but just trust me when I say I can't take her to either your establishments or the cafe's of Envy. And I'd rather kill myself than take her anywhere near Pride."

Fizz frowned as Asmodeus and the king argued back and forth. There was a puzzle he hadn't quite finished, but the pieces were starting to fit together.

Camila, working class, medic demon, not in Pride, Fizz thought. The strings were there, connecting everything as an image came to his mind,No access to Infernalnet or the news, so she's either from Wrath or Sloth. Can't be seen at Ozzie's, can't be seen in Envy…she almost sounds like an imp.

Fizz stopped, his whole body freezing up as the image came together.

No way.

It didn't seem possible, didn't seem at all possible in a million years…and yet the evidence was there.

Lucifer Morningstar was dating an imp.

It all added up: No access to the Infernalnet or the news, working class, can't access Ozzie's even with Asmodeus' express permission, wants to stay out of the spotlight, can't come to any of the ritzy royal places in the rings that Lucifer would have taken anyone else.

Lucifer Morningstar was dating an imp.

The King of Hell himself was dating an imp!

Fizz wanted to laugh, cry, and climb up to the top of Oz tower and proclaim the news for all to hear. He especially wanted to call up every last sneering jackass that'd evergiven Ozzie crap for being with an imp because the King of Hell was dating an imp!

It wasn't just the news of the millennium. It was the news of the damn Eon. Possibly the most news ever.

Fizz wanted to scream it from the rooftops for everyone everywhere to hear…

…but he wouldn't.

The king was dating an imp, had slept with them at least once and wanted to take them on a date again. If he announced the news to anyone, then it would be over. No more. Not at all.

Fizz had been with Ozzie for years before he had felt ready to announce their relationship. He'd been certain that he loved him and that Ozzie loved him back. They knew the risks and took it head on, no hesitation…okay, a bit of hesitation.

If this was a new relationship, then there would be none of that.

Camila would want to keep things extremely secret, telling not a single soul if possible. If news got out then it'd be utter chaos from both sides of the political spectrum. The class reformists would hold her up as a shining example that what type of demon you're born as doesn't matter, the relationship a beacon for what they wanted. But the class conservatives would lose their minds. It'd be like what happened when Ozzie announced his feelings to all of Greed except a thousand times worse. Forget an assassination attempt every other day, they'd be lucky to get away with several assassination attempts every few minutes!

The Goetia would lose their sh*t. Mammon would lose his sh*t. The Overlords of Pentagram City would lose their sh*t. Everyone everywhere would lose their sh*t!

"Ozzie," Fizz said finally, mind made up, "Let it go."

Both Lucifer and Asmodeus stared at the carnival imp in shock. Ozzie looked hurt while the king looked grateful.

"But Froggie-"

'Later,'Fizz mouthed to his love, who still looked hurt but nodded along. Fizz sighed, drew himself up and marched over to the King of Hell, a proud strut in his movements as he looked the king right in the eyes.

For his fellow imp, he would try his best.

"Ask her where she wants to go."

The simple answer threw both Asmodeus and Lucifer for a loop.

"Just…ask her?" the king asked, his voice confused, "That's allowed?"

Fizz nodded and Lucifer, looking unsure, did as he was told.


'I'm still very new to town so I don't know any good places. However, I would love to take you to a place of your choosing.'

The text was simple, but it made Camila breathe a sigh of relief.

This was all new to her, as she hadn't dated in so long, and what she could remember was out of date entirely. She'd been a bit worried it would be someplace she was unfamiliar with, or too casual, or god forbid he try to take her to a fancy restaurant! That'd be embarrassing for a second date where they were just trying to get to know one another.

The ball was in her court now, though. She could control the pace.

She smiled and tucked her hair behind her other ear. He got her, he really did.

'There's a nice cafe on first and main that I like. It's classy but not too classy and they make the best coffee in Gravesfield. Maybe Saturday would work for you?'

Not even three seconds later, she had a response.


She smiled again and Luz shook her back and forth, "Mom! Mom, you have a date!"

Camila's smile only grew. She had a date!


"Thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyoutha-" Lucifer happily rambled on, clinging to Fizz like a barnacle on a boat.

"Don't, uh, don't mention it your majesty," Fizz said awkwardly. Lucifer pulled away and beamed at him.

"You can call me Lucy, Fizzarolli. All my favorite people do."

Asmodeus gasped before an expression of pure joy and contentment crossed his three faces, the massive Sin looking like Sinmas came early this year. Fizz, meanwhile, he felt something odd in his chest. Perhaps it was pride?

"Only if you call me Fizz, Lucy," He heard himself say, shocked that the king of hell seemed to be an alright guy who wanted to keep it casual withhimof all people.

Lucifer let him go and practically jumped with joy, "I mean it, Fizz. You've got a rubber duck of yourself coming your way for this!"

…was that a threat?

The king turned back to his phone and began furiously typing, his expression giddy as he opened a portal and disappeared before popping his head back out, "Thank you so much, Ozzie. I want you to know that even though neither of you need it you both have my blessing!"

"Can we get that in writing?" Asmodeus asked, all three faces smirking.

"I'll proclaim it before the Royal Convocation if you want me to," Lucifer's expression turned warm, "Seriously, I can't thank you enough for this. I would stay and chat, but I have some planning to do, sooo…byeeee!"

The king did a jaunty little wave and disappeared, the portal closing behind him. With that done, Asmodeus smiled, happy as can be, before he sighed and sagged his shoulders, "Froggie, I wish you could have-"

Fizz grabbed Ozzie by the lapels and pulled him down enough that Fizz could hiss at him, shock in his every word, "The King of Hell is dating an imp."

"Oh," Asmodeus said simply before his eyes widened as he realized what his lover just said. Fizz could see him working the puzzle pieces together in his mind, which meant he also saw the moment Ozzie came to the same conclusion he did.


And then Asmodeus' eyes widened even further before a full body wince went through him.


Chapter 6: Second Date: Part One


Lucifer gets ready for his big date and has an awkward talk with his daughter who certainly isn't planning anything nefarious...

Meanwhile, a troublesome Imp and his adopted daughter enter the plot, and also Connecticut


Sorry about no chapter yesterday, got a bit sick. Also sorry about how rushed the Fizzi and Ozzie chapter was but it seems like everyone likes it so ill not complain.

Speaking of... i just want to say how grateful i am to all you readers: This is now my most read story on Ao3 and its not even been out a week! I'mn completely blown away and cant help but feel immense gratitude to you all. Thank you :)

Anyway, This chapter will be pretty Hell-Centric as we focus on their side before the big date, Camila will get the spotlight next chapter don't you worry.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucifer cackled sinisterly, interlocking his fingers beneath his chin and sent a sly smile at the scene before him.

"Yes," he hissed, "It's all coming together…"

He stood in his personal room, mountains of rubber ducks pushed aside to make a path towards his vanity. Razzle and Dazzle, official butlers of the Morningstar Dynasty and unofficial "Cutest Beings in any Dimension" worked to put his suit together. It had to be completely and absolutely perfect.

After all, it's what he was wearing for his second date.

The minute Lucifer got back from the Ring of Lust, he'd called Charlie in a panic and asked if he could borrow Razzle and Dazzle for a few days to make a new suit. This spawned into a three-hour conversation as the father and daughter spoke of whatever was on their mind to keep it going. He'd promised not to only call when he needed something after all, and simply calling to ask to borrow the butlers would have broken that.

Repairing his relationship with his daughter was an ongoing effort, having promised he'd call or text at least once a day in order to just talk and see how she was doing. It was an honest effort on his part, wanting to be back in Charlie's life after spending seven years in a depressive fugue state. Charlie, for her part, understood he was trying (hopefully).

Lucifer ceased the evil cackle and pinched the bridge of his nose. The talk after the aborted coronation would haunt him for centuries to come. He made his daughter believe she was a problem. How could he have done that to her?

He could feel his depression rearing up again. That horrible beast was threatening to consume him until he lay down in his bed, doing nothing for the next few weeks but cry and stare at the ceiling listlessly. He wanted to curl into a ball and never come out again. He wanted to close his eyes and never wake up. He wanted to-

"Baa!" Razzle said adorably as the demon butler batted his head against his leg, looking at the king with shining eyes and the cutest possible expression.

The suit was ready.

Silken thread from Lust had been turned into a pristine white suit that shone under the light. A red and white striped button up with the sleeves pinned up to stop at the bicep alongside shiny shoes made from pure Hellboar leather. A crimson red ascot from Cannibal Town in Pride (gifted from some Overlord named Rosie) would be around his neck while a pair of gloves from Wrath completed the set. All and all, he'd look quite dapper.

The depression inside him began to recede in the wake of excitement.Thisis what he would wear on his second date.

He was about to go on asecond date!

Today, he was going to the human world to take a lovely woman out to a café and they'd have a lovely time together. He had it all figured out: Show up, be a perfect gentleman, take her out to dinner, have a wonderful conversation, and then see if she wanted a third date.

Nothing could go wrong.

He reached out and brushed a hand along the material and found it to be smooth as, well…silk. Perfect.

"Thank you," He said to his two adorable butlers, the two flying goats saluting him and looking cute as can be, "I mean it, you're both getting a raise out of this!"

Excitement showed in their eyes and the two butler-goats immediately began to do figure eights in the air out of pure joy. A buzz sounded off in his pocket and he took it out to see who texted him. Very few had his personal number, and each one knew better than to bother him on such an important occasion.

'Dad! Dad! You won't believe what happened today, it's sooooo amazing!'

Ah, Charlie,a smile broke out on Lucifer's face. His daughter was texting him. That was a good sign, right? He couldn't remember the last time she tried to text him except maybe years ago, before she realized he was too depressed to ca-No.

No, he wouldn't think of that right now. Not when she needed him.

'I don't know, Char-Char. What happened?

'Come on, guess!'

Lucifer frowned, his mind racing as he got into his new suit. It was clearly something good judging by her excitement, yet he could think of nothing, making him frown harder. The fact he was struggling to come up with anything was a problem. He knew very little about his daughter nowadays other than the fact that she was running a hotel for redemption and dating an angel named Vaggie.

His thoughts about the viability of her hotel aside, he was glad that she was so passionate about something. He worried about how it'd affect her when she realized that it wouldn't work but saying that would probably make the angel woman hit him. Pretty obvious how much she wanted to.

Lucifer could feel the heavenly energy wafting off the one-eyed woman within seconds of being in her presence. Normally he'd be very concerned about someone fromthat placebeing close to his darling daughter, but Charlie probably already knew she was an angel given that they were together. More importantly, he saw the way Vaggie protected Charlie from…fromhimduring their talk after the coronation. She'd looked ready to fight him for her without hesitation.

Depression and pride warred within him, and he decided to try and focus on the good. Namely that his beloved daughter had a good girlfriend.

…hmm. There was an idea.

'Did your girlfriend propose?'


Lucifer blinked, wondering what in Hell was that supposed to be. He waited for a response, but the little typing bubbles never appeared so he finished getting ready. He was just getting his ascot into place when a ding came from the phone, to which he grabbed it and took a gander.

'Thank you for the heart attack, it was much appreciatedA Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (4)'

He winced and went into full panic mode. Oh dear Father he screwed up badly! His fingers were a flurry of activity as he tried to make up for his horrid mistake.

'Charlie, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that and you have my sincerest apologies.'

Before he could put his phone down to cry over his monumental screw up, a response came in.

'Dad, no! I was kidding. I appreciate what you said though.'

Another very fast response.

'I love you, dad.'

Wow, did Razzle and Dazzle bring in onions? Why were his eyes watering? He laughed, tears streaming down his face as he just hugged the phone to his chest before typing.

'I love you too, Charlie.'

'Anyway, what I wanted to say that has me so excited is we have our first redemption-seeker! He came in today after seeing some of the flyers around Pentagram and decided to come join us!'

Lucifer smiled, though this one was a tad more bitter, realizing that some of humanity's scum would come to his daughter's hotel now. He didn't like the people of his kingdom in general, more specifically those of Pride. In fact, he was fully willing to say he kind of hated them.

They brought down all the horrible things they did in life and spread it around like confetti. He'd placed great barriers throughout Pride to ensure that the Sinners couldn't leave the ring to spread throughout the rest of Hell. He hated them, what they did with Free Will, how they tarnished his Ring, and how they only gave in to their base desires upon falling.

And his lovely daughter wanted to save them.

If he weren't trying to save his relationship with her, he'd have scoffed and declared it impossible. A fool's errand atbest. But he was trying to have a relationship with his daughter again, so he held his tongue and chose his words carefully.

'That's awesome, Charlie! I'm very happy for you! What's his name?'

'His name is Angel Dust and he will be on the path to salvation in no time at all!'

'What does Mr. Dust do exactly?'

'Dont worry about it! He's on the path to redemption and that's all that matters!'

Oh, he wouldabsolutelyworry about it with a response like that. Thoughts of drug dealing, murder, and all the horrors of mankind rushed through his head before he shook it off. He reminded himself that his daughter was smart and powerful. She'd be fine…probably.

It may be best if he played it safe and sent someone to keep an eye on things. Razzle and Dazzle could turn into gigantic dragons in a pinch, but they were just two beings. Plus, they were there to help with the project, not to watch out for arriving Sinners with bad intentions.

He needed someone outside the Morningstar Dynasty, though his knowledge of who to send was spotty at best. He couldn't send a Sin, as they had their own rings to run. Sending an Overlord would be like inviting a fox to keep track of a chicken coop. Sending royal guards would simply make his daughter mad and feel infantilized, and it wasespeciallyimportant he not do that.

All the books on parenting he'd bought in a hurry after his and Charlie's talk had made it very clear that children didn't like beingtreatedlike children.

No, what Lucifer needed was someone low enough on the hierarchy of Hell to not arouse his daughter's suspicions, yet skilled enough to ensure her safety. Someone dependable and able to act as his proxy to look out for Charlie. But where in Hell would he find someone like that?

He shook his head. With a date to plan, now wasn't the time.

He'd obsessively planned out every detail to avoid potential screw ups. He'd perfected his human disguise to be utterly untraceable by Heavenly or Infernal creatures. To anyone from either afterlife, he'd both appear and come off as a normal human man.

He let the flames swirl up around him, chalk white skin turning a regular Caucasian white. His dimples lost the dark red circles, and his teeth became normal human ones rather than fangs. His eyes, once a fiery red, were now a simple green. As far as things went, he was now human.

'Lucius Magne' rolled his shoulders and looked into the mirror. "Hey Cam, it's me, Lucius!" He tried out, his voice awkward and unsure, "My, you look stunning tonight! I love what you did with your hair…?"

He trailed off and looked at his audience. Razzle and Dazzle were either unimpressed or had no thoughts in their heads at all. Their adorable eyes looked blank, so maybe it was the second one. Either way, he sighed and fixed his ascot.

"This is going to take some finesse. No half-assing yourself, no room for failure," He looked into the mirror determined, "This is your chance. You can do this. You can do this!"

He could do this. Now for the truly hard and awkward part: Asking his daughter for one last favor.

Hopefully, his relationship with her would survive.


"And this would be your room!" Charlie said with a happy smile, showing the new tenant around the place.

Personally, Vaggie would rather be helping her girlfriend show off, but the king took Razzle and Dazzle off for reasons unknown (she tried asking Charlie why, but her face screwed up like she'd bitten a lemon). As such, she'd volunteered to bring up Angel Dust's stuff for lack of having anyone else to do so.

The fallen angel didn't know how she felt about the p*rn star. He clearly didn't believe in the cause, what with his exact words being "I'm just here cause rent is free and crack is expensive". Vaggie wanted to throw him out on his ass and wait for someone who actually wanted to change. But with Charlie so excited to finally have someone here, she bit her tongue and let the Sinner be.

The four-armed and very fluffy spider-Sinner was tall, standing above Charlie by a few inches at least. Whether or not it was because of the heels he wore, Vaggie didn't know. His clothing consisted of thigh high leather stockings and an open-chested vest that let his fluff hang out. He had pink irises, with the sclera of the right being yellow while the left was black. Lastly, he had a golden fang in his mouth.


Oh, and he had a piglet.

Vaggierefusedto admit that the piglet was adorable, suppressing the urge to hug it to her chest. The baby Hellboar looked up at them with such soft eyes that she almost broke down and started gushing in Spanish then and there. But she was Charlie's armor, her stalwart spear, her love and bodyguard until death do they part.

So, she would do her duty and ignore thevery cutepiglet.

Angel Dust was currently strutting about the spacious, empty room as he looked at it appraisingly, nodding at random things and stroking his chin. "Nice digs," He finally declared, Charlie looking ready to explode from happiness, "This all mine? Don't have to share with anybody else?"

"Nope!" Charlie said happily, moving in and throwing her arms wide, "This will be your personal space while on the path to redemption!"

"And…you're sure the rent is free?" Angel Dust stressed, keeping his eyes on the princess as she nodded furiously, "Cool. Beats being with Val by a long shot."

Val…Vaggie knew that name from somewhere, but she couldn't place it. The name was bugging her though, sending off signals of'Danger'in her brain.

"I'm sorry about your friend," Charlie grabbed his hands and looked pleadingly at him, her expression completely earnest, "You can visit Val as much as you want if that's okay! In fact, we'd be happy to have him ov-"

"No!" Angel Dust yanked his hands out of Charlie's grasp, seeming terrified for some reason, though he quickly smoothed back into disinterested smugness, "I mean, Val's busy and I'll see him a lot at work since he's, you know, my boss and all. No need to brin-"

"You work forValentino of theVee's!?" Vaggie asked angrily, dropping his stuff onto the ground and glaring at him as the connection between 'Val' and her own memory finished, "TheOverlordValentino? The one who spreads poison throughout the lower districts and controls the p*rn and drug trade? That'Val'?"

Something passed through Angel Dust's eyes too quickly to name, but the spider Sinner just shrugged and offered a flippant smirk, "Yeah babe. I'm a p*rn star, he's the head of the p*rn industry - what's not to get?"

"Please don't call my girlfriend'babe,'" Charlie clasped her hands and offered a gentle smile even as Vaggie fumed next to her. Angel Dust, for his part, shrugged and lay down on his bed, the little piglet jumping up next to him and curling up into a small ball.

Vaggierefusedto admit it was cute.

"Fine, fine," Angel waved three of his hands while the forth stroked the piglet's back, "Me and Fat Nuggets are gonna set up the new room while you two…I don't know, help the million other people wanting into the building?"

"You're the first and so far only resident," Charlie answered, her smile turning into a grimace. Angel just smirked in response, telling Vaggie he was definitely messing with them.

Pendejo puta,she seethed, resisting the urge to go up and punch that smug look right off of his stupid fa-

A chime sounded from Charlie's pocket, it being one of her favorite songs from Lu Lu World theme park. She gasped and pulled out her phone, staring with wide eyes.

"Someone's at the door!" Charlie exclaimed with such happiness that she sent a smug look right back at the p*rn star, his expression a little bit shocked. An expression of disinterest came back on his face as he started playing with the little piglet. The princess practically dragged Vaggie out the room, which Angel closed with a loud slam, and towards the stairway to the lobby. She was talking a mile a minute, wanting to convey as much information as physically possible, all while Vaggie struggled to keep up with her.

The perils of being a short woman dating a tall woman: You have to run to keep up with them.

Charlie didn't walk so much as she skipped her way over to the main doors. She flung them open with a wide smile, "Welcome to the Happy Hotel: Where Redemption is a hop, a skip, and…and a…Dad?"

Oh sh*t!Vaggie panicked, struggling to smooth down her clothes to appear presentable before the King of Hell. While still absolutely furious at him, she could see that he was earnestly trying for Charlie's sake. He didn't just say that stuff about 'being a better dad' to make her stop crying. He seemed completely honest in his words and efforts.

She'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now. But if he screwed up again and made her cry again, she was taking her spear and ramming it up his ass.

Finally getting the last wrinkle out, she looked up, only to do a double take at the king looking so…human. His skin was different, his eyes were different, even his damn teeth were different! If he didn't look like a practical twin of Lucifer, she would never have guessed he was even a citizen of Hell, much less the king of it. To top it off, she couldn't sense any Infernal energy from him.

It was completely uncanny.

Charlie clearly thought the same because she just kinda stared at her father in shock before clearing her throat, "Dad…why do you look human?"

"Ah Charlie!" The king strode past her and did a twirl, taking in the in-need-of-renovation Hotel with an awkward grimace, "It's very…it's, um…"

"We're still ironing out the kinks," Charlie explained, too shocked to sound hurt, "Now why do you-"

"Nonsense, I'll have some of the best contractors in Hell come over to make the place presentable!" He came over and nudged his daughter's side with his elbow, "No spiderwebs and cracked walls for my daughter! This place will be the envy of all Pride by the time it's fixed up."

Charlie gave a small, awkward smile in response, "Thank you. Now how about you tell me why-"

"I know Lust has a good architectural sense to it. Why, I could ask your Uncle Ozzie to spare me some people and-"

"Dad!" Charlie finally interrupted, causing the king to stop and listen, "I love that you're here and I desperately want to show you around, but why do you look human?"

Lucifer's laugh was incredibly stiff, rubbing the back of his head while his eyes shifted about instead of looking at his daughter. Vaggie narrowed her one good eye even as Charlie grew concerned.

"It's because, ah…" He began before closing his mouth, glancing nervously, "I might be going up to the human world for a bit?"

"How long is'a bit'going to be?" Vaggie asked as she crossed her arms, leveling a stern look at the king, who could only wince.

"...until my date's done?"

Charlie didn't respond and turned to her girlfriend. The Princess of Hell had a million different emotions going through her eyes, far too many for Vaggie to properly discern. Still, she could tell the emotions weren't good. A mixture of a smile and grimace made its way on Charlie's face as she looked down at her father.

Lucifer took a step forward and began wringing his hands, "Charlie, I know how you feel about this-"

"That's great!" Charlie exclaimed as both Vaggie and Lucifer stared at her. The princess was grinning from ear to ear, hands clasped as she looked honestly happy for him…sort of, "I'msooohappy you decided to do this!"

"...really?" The king sounded so hopeful and earnest.

"OfcourseI'm happy you're moving on!" Charlie practically rushed forward to pull her father into a hug, "It'sfine!It's totallyfine!Anything I can help with?"

Lucifer rubbed the back of his head, "Actually, uh…if you don't mind, could I borrow the family limo? I know you use it to get around Pentagram but I…I don't actually know how to drive. I was going to have Razzle drive me."

"Of course you can borrow the limo! I just need to check that it's full of gas and have ateensy wordwith Dazzle. So, if you don't mind, Vaggie will entertain you!" Charlie dashed out of the room, leaving the King of Hell alone with his daughter's girlfriend.

Vaggie was almost certain that Charlie was up to something. She'd practically been forcing her words out through that entire conversation. Lucifer clearly noticed as well, judging by his guilty expression.

"I'm sorry," he began, not looking at Vaggie, but at the door Charlie exited, "I didn't want to come looking like this. I knew it'd upset Charlie and-"

"Then why did you?" Vaggie seethed as she tried, and failed, to restrain her anger. She was many things: An angel born of Heaven, a former Exorcist, someone with the blood ofthousandson her hands, flawed beyond measure, and a broken woman. But first and foremost, she was Charlie's guardian angel. Oh sure, Heaven would throw a fit if they heard that, but she didn't care what those hypocritical, judgmental assholes thought. Not after Lute cut out her left eye while her boss just watched and laughed.

Sometimes, Charlie was the only reason Vaggie got up in the morning. When the weight of all she'd done came crashing down on her, of what she'd been forbidden from ever returning to, her girlfriend's smile would brighten whatever dark, twisted, ugly thing she had in place of a soul.

And she wouldnever,everforgive those who hurt Charlie.

Lucifer gave a bone-deep sigh, sagging, "Because I want both things to work. I want to try my hand at romance and to have a daughter again." His eyes gained a determined glint, "I want my cake and to eat it too."

Vaggie just continued to glare as he fidgeted underneath her gaze. Finally, she huffed, "If you ever hurt her again…I don't care if you're the Morning Star. Iwillkill you."

He smiled, "If I hurt her again, I'll let you."

She nodded and he reached out a hand. It was to the sight of her and Lucifer shaking on it that Charlie returned to.

"You're both getting along! Great!" She hugged them both, "I'm glad!" Her smile was almost manic as she looked at her father, "Dad, Razzle's ready to drive the limo. It's got enough gas to take you wherever you want in the human world. So, you know, have fun on your…" an awkward grimace crossed her lips before her smile returned, "Date."

"Charlie…" Lucifer tried, his expression pained, "I'm really sorry."

Charlie's fake smile dimmed before a more honest one appeared, "You can make it up to me with those Lust Contractors. I could use some good renovations for the building."

"I'll get right on it when I get back," He gained an honest smile of his own, "Plus taking a tour of the place and meeting Mr. Dust."

Charlie's wide smile became even more honest, "He seems like a swell guy. I think you'll like him! He has the cutest little pet piglet that's just so adorable!"

"El cerdito es muy lindo…" Vaggie muttered in irritation. Why did the jerk have to have a cute pet? It wasn't fair.

Lucifer strolled out of the building with a hop in his step as he made his way to the royal limousine.

"Alright, so now that that's out of the way-" Vaggie began only to be cut off by Charlie cackling. It was an evil, sinister cackle as the princess interlocked her fingers beneath her chin.

Or it would be, if Charlie could ever pull off 'evil' or 'sinister' to save her life. As it was, the laugh came off more as adorable and cute. Vaggie wanted to reach over and boop her loveable dork of a girlfriend on the nose.

So she did.

"Boop!" She said with a grin, the cackle cutting off with an embarrassed squeak.

"Vaggie!" Charlie whined, "I was being all dark and spooky!"

"Adorablydark and spooky," Vaggie chuckled. Charlie pouted and leaned against her lovingly. "Hun, tell me," the fallen angel began, "What exactly are you planning?"

Charlie's grin came back full force as she explained her entire plan. Vaggie groaned, realizing this was going to be a long night.


The Ring of Pride, as befitting the largest of the seven rings, was massive and overpopulated, divided into Nine Circles that surrounded Pentagram City like the gears of a clock. Many different cities dotted the landscape, but one of the most cluttered was Imp City: A congested and overflowing thing for the rejects and outcasts of Pentagram itself.

Unlike the infernal 'grandeur' of Pentagram, Imp City was more basic and built to hold a population. The refuse of the seven rings made its home here. They ranged from Sinners who couldn't make it in Pentagram, imps and hellhounds fleeing persecution, hellborn wanting to start over, and other such outcasts.

Many skyscrapers filled the city to the brim, each one built in the infernal design of Hell. Located in the more rundown part of Imp City was an office building with two massive horns jutting off the sides, making it appear as if it were an imp itself. Said building was home to many businesses of a less than legal nature. Of course, Imp City had no laws, just like the rest of Pride, so all businesses were illegal by design. Somehow, however, the businesses here were sketchier than most.

Take, for instance, the nature of the business that shall soon insert itself into our tale.

"Look, for the last time, we don't accept'exposure'as damn payment! You either pay us up front or f*ck off!"

Immediate Murder Professionals was an assassination business with a unique selling point: They got revenge on the living for you.

Someone murder you? Call I.M.P. Someone screw you over while alive? Call I.M.P. Someone did both? Call I.M.P.

It was a lucrative business that happened to spit in the face of theonlylaw all Seven Rings of Hell had:Don'tinterfere with the affairs of mortals in a way that would get Heaven's attention.

Currently, the leader of I.M.P, Blitzø (the O was silent) was arguing with the latest client. The imp with curling horns was clad in his usual attire of a black long coat and black slacks with boots. The phone he'd pressed up against the burnt part of his face, held in a white-knuckled grip, was currently shaking.

"I don't care if he got you sent to the electric chair, we need payment up front, asshole! Come back when you have some pocket change!"

Slamming the phone (and the angry Sinner on the other side) down on the receiver till it turned off, Blitz leaned back and just contemplated life. He was, at the very least, in a better place now than he was a year ago. His relationship with his childhood friend was finally improving after so many years of hatred. His adopted daughter, while not respecting him (he doubted she could respect anyone) was doing better with him. They were stronger now at least. Moxxie and Millie were off having a baby and being happier than ever. As for his relationship with Stolas…

Okay, his relationship with Stolas was a burning dumpster fire. To be fair, Stolas only liked him for sex, so it didn't matter that Blitzmighthave ruined everything. That horrible night at Ozzie's (that those damn hypocrites still never apologized for) pretty much confirmed that Stolas saw him as a toy. Nothing more.

And to think, he had started to believe otherwise!

So yeah, Blitz didn't call him at the hospital even after he got hurt. Nor did he try calling him much lately. It wasn't like Stolas actually cared.

Satan, but he would give anything for a distraction from his horrible relationship woes.

As if summoned by his desperate prayer, his lovely daughter Loona popped her head in with her usual perpetual frown, "Got a case for you, Blitz."

"Call me dad!"

"Blitz," Loona stressed. It was fine, he knew she loved him in her own special way. Blitz would get another 'Dad' out of her soon. It was fate!

He leafed through the file to see a simple enough job: Client wants them to kill some asshole cop who shot him dead. Blitz could do that in his sleep!

"Hey…um, Blitz?"

Nowthattone was unusual from his daughter. He looked up to see her giving him an expression that bordered on worried mixed with annoyed.

"So, I was talking to my friend Octavia-"

Oh no.

"She says her dad's been pretty down in the dumps lately since…well, since you stopped calling, actually."

No no no, please…

"I was just wondering…a-are you and he, um, break-"

"Loony!" Blitz cried out with as much false joy as he could muster, even using the pet name he loved but he knew she hated. He rushed up and grabbed his daughter by the shoulder, pulling the much taller Hellhound down to around his height to ask, "How would you like to go out on the job with me?"

"Oryou could just ask Moxxie and Millie to come back?"

"Nonsense Loony! Millie's preggers as f*ck and Moxxie's useless about his pregnant wife getting into violent bloodbaths, so it's just going to be us for a bit longer," Blitz was happy for them, he really was. He wasn't jealous about the fact he probably wasn't going to be Hellfather to the child at all. No sirree, no he wasn't.

They'd probably give the position to one of Millie's stupid brothers. He didn't care if he used to like them. He hated them now for that fact alone.

Loona just looked at him with an…odd expression, "You know, I bet Stolas would want to tal-"

Blitz blatantly ignored her, dragging his adopted daughter along towards the door, "What's that? You want to join me on this mission?"

"Blitz…" It was odd, Loona almost sounded sad. For him.

He ignored it.

"Of course you can join me!" He looked at her expectantly.

His daughter caved, "Alright fine, where are we going?"

"Some place called Connecticut."


Lucifer, or'Lucius', got out of the limo. He marveled at the sights and feelings of the mortal world. The air was cooler than in Hell, the clouds weren't caught in the glow of the eternal Pentagram, and the moon hung far in the distant sky instead of the forever unattainable Heaven. It was a beautiful night, one being able to see all the constellations he'd helped create with Michael and Gabriel.

Thoughts of his long estranged angelic family brought a deep melancholy to him. He hadn't seen any of them since his fall. He remembered when he and Michael made Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, laughing and throwing raw Creation at one another like snowballs. Then Gabriel sneak attacked them both and they all fell down to Heaven in laughter.

He missed them. He missed his little sister, Gabriel. He missed his twin brother, Michael.

He was more than certain they didn't miss him, however.

He shook his head, now was not the time for sadness. Now was the time for gladness!

His date was…well, it was now.

He waved off the limo and Razzle drove away, a few humans staring oddly at the personal vehicle of the Morningstar Dynasty. He wasn't sure why, but either way, he'd followed the directions Camila gave him and was now here.

The building was warm, composed of red bricks with frosted windows surrounded by flower baskets. Fairy lights were strung around the edge of the roof and a pleasant outdoor area was pretty barren save for two young women. One of them had a weird purple hat on that he swore was looking at him, whispering furiously to one another as they looked between their menu and one of the windows.

He stood nervously before the door, taking a deep breath as he entered the cafe.



Huh, I wonder what Charlie is planning? Surely not the same thing another daughter is planning next chapter...

Next Chapter: Camila gets ready for her big date while her daughters plan nothing nefarious let me tell you.

Chapter 7: Second Date: Part Two


Date preparations from the more Human-Adjacent side of things. Camila worries, Luz plans, Vee joins in, and Masha groans in annoyance

Just another night at the Noceda's


I like how many people thought Charlie put a hit out on Camila last chapter. Its not what happened at all but it is kinda funny that I can see where you all came from. The truth of what Charlie is up to will be revealed... next chapter

As an aside, i have two announcements to make: One. I have edited the beginning of the I.M.P. section to better reflect the nature of the Pride ring as canon has it... actually, canon makes more sense than what i was accidentally implying anyway (that Pentagram is the be all and end all of Pride) so now that section references the existence of the hundreds more cities of Pride throughout the nine rings... i have also done some general editing of previous chapters. Nothing major, just grammar stuff and weird sentences.

The second thing i wanted to announce... This story now has a TV Tropes page! the lovely MetropolisMCU over on Spacebattles made it yesterday and i am forever grateful. Go check it out here: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/ADivineRomanticComedy

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Camila stared at the bottle before her.

It was a brisk afternoon; the sun was low in the sky. Pretty soon, she'd be off on her date, making a smile break out on her face at the thought. She actually had a date! A date with a nice, handsome man who truly got her.

She and Lucius had been texting on and off for the past few days like teenagers. He'd sent her pictures of rubber ducks while she sent pictures of animals that came into the clinic. Texting was, well, it was fun. She was truly enjoying talking to him, and tonight, they'd be on a date. So long as she didn't bring up anything related to magic or the Boiling Isles, it'd go swimmingly. She'dtryto make it go swimmingly, anyway.

She'd broken out some old jewelry she didn't wear much anymore: a nice pair of dangling silver earrings from her mother before she passed and a simple golden necklace that…that Manny bought for their one-year anniversary.

And now she was wearing it on a date.

She hoped Manny would understand. Hoped that he'd forgive her this, but she…she wanted to see if this would work.

It'd been a long time since she felt, well,desired. Since someone had looked at her and wanted to sweep her off of her feet.

Lucius liked her, and he liked her well enough to sleep with her on their first (drunken) date, even asking for a second. He liked her enough to send her compliments just because he could. He liked her enough to show off his rubber duck collection, which she found very cute in a dorky way, and she'd even told him about her old cosplay habit.

She really wanted this to work.

But as she dressed up for the date, another problem occurred. It left her sitting down for ten minutes to contemplate things as she stared at the bottle of hazel hair dye.

Camila knew she was showing her age, what with her hair now streaked with gray and her laugh lines more pronounced. She was no longer a young woman going to her first Cosmic Frontier convention where she'd have a chance meeting with a wonderful man and fall deeply in love. No, she was certain she qualified as mature now.

Maybe it'd be best to cover her gray streaks, but Lucius…he didn't seem to care about it when they did what they did. Even now, a small blush came to her cheeks at the hazy memories of that night. No, he was charming and didn't care at all that she had gray in her hair.

But this wouldn't be a chance meeting in a bar that might lead to a relationship. This was an actual date at an actual café. Here, they'd find out if what they felt the first time was just a fluke or something they wanted to pursue.

Camila turned the bottle over in her hands as she kept thinking it over.

Eda, her darling daughter's mentor/other mother figure would have just said screw it and not bothered with the hair dye at all. Then again, Eda had an epic storybook romance going on with a childhood friend that'd taken decades to develop. Now they're married with an adopted god baby as a son. She didn't really need to worry about using hair dye to attract someone.

Lilith, Luz's cool aunt that Camilatotallydidn'thave conflicted feelings over (what with the bridge fight and all), used to dye her hair to appear more serious and fit in. Camila related and thought about asking, but remembered Lilith stopped a while ago and was now openly rocking her gray streaks. She also, like her sister, wasn't out to attract anyone. Albeit more out of complete disinterest, so she was biased about it.

Camila, still staring at the bottle, was mostly going off gut instincts and fervent hopes.

Back before…everything, she viciously smoothed out anything that made her look out of place. She'd trimmed her gray hair, dyed all her roots, ironed it flat, and dressed professionally as much as possible. It was all to appear a serious person and leave the bullied girl she'd been far behind. But in her efforts to make a better life for herself and her daughter, she ended up overcorrecting hard, almost driving Luz away.

The night when Luz appeared in the headlights as a misty apparition, telling her she chose to remain in a place called the demon realm, was one of the worst nights of Camila's life. She'd spent the night crying her eyes out, a hundred different guilty thoughts rushing through her head.

Did I do this?Camila had wondered back then,Did I push my daughter so far that Hell would be better than home?

After that horrible night, she'd done a lot of soul searching and book buying to ensure that when (not if, when) Luz returned, she could make her daughter feel properly loved and cared for.

Though she didn't miss those old days of giving in to societal pressure, Camila wished she'd kept some of her old styling materials. It would have made getting ready a lot easier. While she wouldn't iron her hair or anything like that, she wondered about the gray streaks since she stopped covering them up. After all these years, she was thinking of doing so again.

God, dating was hard after so long.

She shouldn't be this worried; it was a simple date to see if they truly clicked. She'd show up, have some nice coffee, engage in a nice conversation, and see where the night led her.

Simple as could be.

Camila looked up at the clock and sighed. Even if she decided on using hair dye, it wouldn't set before the date happened. She was out of luck on that front.

Hope he likes gray hair,Camila mused, gathering up her chosen dress and finished getting ready.


Meanwhile, down in the basem*nt, a very serious gathering was taking place.

"Does everyone know their part of the plan?" Luz asked, pacing back and forth with a serious expression on her face. She'd exchanged her purple abomination jacket for a simple green one and paired it with an old striped shirt. Stringbean, her adorable Palisman, was currently shifted into a baton as she tried to look like an army general.

Masha and Vee sat down before her and nodded seriously. Vee had shifted into a more casual outfit of black slacks and a white t-shirt, pen and paper in hand as she furiously scribbled notes. Masha, meanwhile, had their black combat boots, black cargo pants, green skull shirt, and brown bomber jacket. Unlike their girlfriend, the goth enby was pinching the bridge of their nose in annoyance.

"Vee!" Luz exclaimed, pointing the Palisman baton at her sister's face, "What is your task tonight?"

Vee sat up and puffed out her chest proudly, "To make sure nothing interrupts their date!"

"Perfect! Stringbean, pat her head," Stringbean shifted back into her base form and patted Vee's fluffy head. She then shifted into a beanie atop Luz's head as the human turned to Masha, "Masha! What is your task tonight?"

"Don't you think this is going a bit far?" Masha asked. The two girls blinked at them and they sighed, shoulders sagged, "I mean you're both college age students with jobs who beat up an evil emperor. Isn't it alittleimmature to spy on your mom's date?" Vee and Luz looked even more confused, at which point Masha finally gave up, muttering "My job is to be the getaway driver."

"Great!" Luz said, blatantly ignoring Masha's very reasonable claims. She wanted to scrapbook her mom's fir-no, second date, but firstofficialone with Lucius Magne. The plan was simple: Masha would drive them over to the building next to the café where they would get an outside table to spy-no,casually observeMom's date in secret.

And to bail her out if he wound up being a creep or something.

Luz would admit that, after living in the Boiling Isles for so long, she went out of her way to prepare for every possible eventuality.

"Vee, what do we do if he turns out to be a vampire?"


Masha groaned as Vee searched her notebook and found the correct page, "It says we get garlic flowers and make Mom a crown before throwing rice at his feet."

Luz nodded, "Werewolf?"

Vee leafed forward a few pages, "True Silver."

"That might be a bit hard. Eda said the only piece of True Silver left in the isles fell into the Boiling Seas, but it'll be fine. I bought a dog whistle online," Luz fished the whistle out of her pocket while Masha groaned again.

"Alright, Demon?"

"Ask him about his political beliefs around Emperor Belos."


"Find out if he's the good kind of Illuminati or the bad kind."

"Also," Masha broke in, deciding to partake of the madness, "Blackmail him for an interview with Verosika Mayday."

Both Vee and Luz stared at them in shock, the latter asking, "Wait, youlikeVerosika?"

"I thought you didn't like Pop music?" Vee asked her significant other.

"Idon't," Masha answered honestly. They found Verosika to be mid at best, but that didn't mean that they weren't obsessed with finding out the truth behind the Miami Spring Break Disaster.

Dozens dead, many more wounded, all at a Verosika Mayday concert that the government classified to hell and back. Masha craved to know if it was a rogue sea monster like one infamous picture claimed it was and not photoshop like everyone else said.

Luz shook her head and moved on, "Alright, and if he's an alien?"

Vee just looked at Luz pityingly, "Luz, aliens aren't real."

"You're a shape-shifting slug beast from another dimension that feeds off of actual magic, and you still don't believe in aliens!?" Luz questioned, staring wide-eyed at her sister.

"Well yeah," Vee co*cked her head to the side in confusion, "All of that is logical and based on science. Aliens are just science fiction."

"It has the word science in it!"

"That doesn't mean it's possible, Luz!"

"I've shown you the proof!"

"You've shown me nothing that can't be explained by the Boiling Isles leaking over!"

Once again, Luz and Vee re-entered the age old'are aliens real?'argument. Masha knew for a fact they'd be at it for hours, and left upstairs to get some water. Best leave now in the early stages before the two try to drag them into the argument. They navigated their way through the house, managing to get a nice cold glass when someone came down the stairs.

Mrs. Noceda looked very pretty, jewelry shining in the light and matched the nice calf-length red summer dress she wore. She'd foregone make-up to just let her face be natural, though she did have some light blush on her cheeks. Overall, she looked stunning.

"Looking good, Mrs. Noceda," Masha said as they stomped loudly on the floor to try and draw the arguing sisters' attention.

"Ay-thank you, Masha," Camila laughed and waved the compliment away, "I just got this old thing out of the closet and decided it looked nice. You don't think it's too much, do you?"

"Nah, it's classy but not too classy. Plus, it's not like the guy's gonna show up in a full three-piece suit and tie. You should be good," Masha nodded, rubbing their chin sagely while continuing to stomp on the floor. The act led to Camila staring at them in resignation.

"They're going to spy on my date, aren't they?" she asked, to which Masha shrugged. Camila sighed ruefully with a small smile, "Those girls will be the death of me." She looked them in the eye, "Please try to keep them out of trouble. I'd rather not have Mr. Magne worried about being stalked this evening."

Masha gave a lazy salute, resolving to do just that. Camila was a nice lady who more than deserved this, so they wouldn't let her down. Finally, after one last stomp, Luz and Vee got the memo and came up the stairs.

"Masha!" Vee cried, clearly irritated, "You'll break the floor if you keep…"

She trailed off as the sisters caught sight of their mom, who smiled shyly, "Do I look okay?"

Luz had a watery smile, fighting back tears as she wiped at her face, "You look amazing, mama," she said with a scratchy voice, "He'll love it…" She was so full of different emotions, glancing between her mom and a picture of her dad on the wall.

"You're gonna knock him dead, Camila!" Vee said happily as she grabbed Masha's hand, "She looks amazing, doesn't she?"

"Already said that while the two of you were arguing about aliens again."

Camila laughed while Luz and Vee blushed. Their famous, often hours long arguments about aliens and the validity thereof often shook the house.

At least the Hexsquad isn't here to join in,Masha remembered how Amity and Hunter could get quite heated when they argued. Especially since last time it happened, the witch and Grimwalker almoststrangledeach other.

Before anything else could be said, an alarm on Camila's phone went off. Looking up at the clock on the wall, she took a deep breath, "It's time." She turned to the three of them, "Please try to be subtle when you inevitably spy on me."

"Wha-? No! We'd never do that!" Luz looked anywhere but at her mom while Vee fiddled with her hands, whistling innocently.

Camila sighed, "Masha, keep them out of trouble, please?"

Masha saluted and Camila smiled gratefully as she went out the door. To their credit, Vee and Luz at least waited for her car to disappear down the street before they sprang into action.

"Alright!" Luz declared as she started putting her shoes on, "Operation: Stealthy Cupidis a go!"

Masha sighed, getting out their keys. This was going to be a long night.


The Robinson Café was a nice locale, made of red brick with a nice wooden flooring. It had warm lights from the chandeliers and many bookshelves around for patrons to read at their leisure. Couches were situated in the back for a more casual experience, usually board game nights, with tables in the front and around the outside for more personal encounters.

Camila usually came here on her days off to pick up a good book, drink some mocha, and ruminate about life. This would be the first time she ever came for a date. She'd dreamed of bringing Manny here a few times, but he was too sick to leave the hospital and it remained an unlikely dream.

Then that dream became an impossible one.

And now, years later, she was going toactuallyhave a date with someone here.

This was it; this was her second date with Lucius.

She smiled as she slowly stirred her mocha latte, just enjoying her time. She'd gotten a few looks for being dressed as nice as she was, but she tried not to let it show on her face. This washernight, and she was going to have fun, God willing.

Now if only she could get her nerves to settle. After all, her first date with him wasn't really a date until the very end. She'd simply been making a friend until she found herself thinking he was very handsome and truly got her. There was a barrier of it not being quite romantic till the latter half to fall back on.

Now? Now it was going to be romantic from the start. The thought made her square her shoulders and take a deep breath.

It'll be fine. Totally fine. I've got this, it'll go fine.

She'd simply play it by the ear and see where things went. And if things didn't work out, then they didn't work out. But if they did…well, then she might be seeing more of him in the future.

That wouldn't be such a bad thing, Camila smiled before focusing on the cafe entrance. Every time a person came through, she found herself glancing up to see if it was Lucius, getting a bit disappointed when it wasn't. So far there were: A group of teens from Gravesfield High going towards the back to play D&D, a much older gentleman who came to read a book, and a tall goth girl and her much shorter companion coming to sit at a corner booth and have an awkward conversation. She vaguely heard the words'daughter'thrown about, so she assumed they were related.

And so, she waited.


Outside of Robinson, far enough from Camila's gaze that they couldn't be seen, a basilisk and her human witch sister sat and spied. Although if asked, they weren'tspyingper say, but rather making safe observations where their target couldn't see them.

Most certainlynotspying.

Vee alternated between glancing at the menu and looking into the window towards her mom. Luz kept a careful lookout, sizing up every single person who approached before either writing them off or nudging Vee to get her opinion.

"Could that be him?" Luz whispered, staring at the thin haired, bushy bearded gentleman approaching the café.

"Maybe," Vee glanced up and narrowed her eyes. She just got ready to begin her mission and keep watch for potential date ruiners when the man got out his phone. He started loudly (veryloudly) arguing with someone over the line while walking past the café entirely. "So that's another bust, " she said, Luz nodding sadly. Checking her phone, Vee furrowed her brow, "He's a few minutes late. He better not have gotten cold feet."

"If he does, I'm calling Eda and the Hexsquad," Luz said severely, a terrible threat if ever there was one. Vee had only met Luz's mentor a few times (mostly after Belos died), but she knew Eda was as fierce as a Slitherbeast when it came to those she cared about. If Mr. Magne hurt mom, then Eda would make him suffer for it.

Vee just got out her phone to check the time again, only for the oddest thing to happen: She smelled magic.

It was very faint, but it approached rapidly and grew in strength. Normally, she wouldn't have bothered noticing it since she'd fed not even two hours ago. However, there was something just…offabout this magic.

It didn't taste like Boiling Isles magic, or any magic she'd ever tasted before. There was an almost spicy tang to it that reminded her of Habaneros hot sauce. Vee began to down her water when suddenly, it disappeared.

No more spicy magic.

And just as she finished drinking, the limo appeared. It was an odd thing, made of pristine white metal with shining gold lining instead of chrome. A fanged mouth was caught in a permanent snarl on the grill, headlights shaped like six reptilian eyes. The thing was so clearly custom-built that only a highly ritzy person could afford it. Suffice to say, everyone, from Luz to Vee to the random couple walking their dog, all stared at the opulent vehicle.

The door opened, sliding upward like only the most pretentious of rich people's cars did, and out stepped quite possibly the most well-dressed man Vee had ever seen. His clothes, being pristine white pants and white sleeves beneath a red and white striped vest, almost seemed to glow. With his crimson ascot, plus his shiny leather shoes and gloves, he looked like the villain of an old western movie about industrialization. Either that or like the world's most obvious vampire. That aside, he was pretty nondescript, with golden hair, green eyes, and pale skin.

Vee supposed he looked pretty handsome. Definitely on the short side, but he seemed to walk with a proud strut in his step as he waved at the limo. The driver couldn't be seen at all with how dark the windows were, but seemed to oblige, the vehicle leaving merrily around the corner and out of sight.

The man smiled, showing off pearly whites that glinted in the light of the streetlamp, and made his way to the café.

"So that guy could be Mom's date," Luz said, trying to see where the limo went before giving up and looking the man up and down, "He looks…did mom snag an actual millionaire?"

Vee hastily got out her notebook, rereading what to do in case Camila's date turned out to be a vampire, just as the man entered the café.


Camila looked up and smiled, catching sight of familiar golden hair slicked back into a roguish style. She took a deep, nervous breath as Lucius Magne walked into the building.



Don't worry Vee, Lucius isn't a vampire.

It's so much worse than that :P

Next Chapter: The date finally starts and Camila and 'Lucius' try their best to have a nice date.

Hopefully everyone currently spying on them don't ruin it

Chapter 8: Second Date: Part Three


The Date begins... let's hope it goes well, eh?


For some reason i found this chapter surprisingly hard to write. I dont know why, maybe because i wasnt feeling it? Either way, this is what im gonna stick with so it is what it is. Also, i found that the section containing what Blitz and Loona have been up to took so much time away from the date that i made the executive decision to cut that part into it's own little interlude next chapter.

Also, fair warning: This chapter contains a Jacob Hopkins jumpscare.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Lucius, you made it!" Camila smiled as her date arrived. His whole face lit up upon seeing her, which did quite a number on her nervousness.

"Camila!" He said, arms wide as he stepped forward, only to obviously second guess himself, blush, and offer a simple handshake, "Sorry, I don't know how to…well, greet you." He scratched his cheek shyly, "You look…you lookamazing."

Oh gosh,Camila blushed, her stomach fluttering. She'd forgotten how nice it was to be complimented by a handsome man. She awkwardly smiled at him and his chosen wardrobe. He'd gone above and beyond for this, making her anxious. "You certainly look dashing yourself," she said, "I didn't think you'd dress up that much."

"Oh, this?" He looked down at his fancy clothes with a small shrug, "I just decided to have something more casual than my usual. No biggie."

He had a whole suit made for this date and thought that wascasual?Her theory that he was some big executive skyrocketed back to her mind. Was she on a date with a millionaire?

They sat down at the table and an awkward silence fell.

Camila found herself too nervous to start. This was the date she'd been looking forward to for a while. Now that it was here, she couldn't think of anything to say. Lucius seemed to be the same, opening his mouth a few times, only to cough, scratch his cheek, and look away. Finally he drew in a deep breath and blurted out, "So, what do you do?"

Camila stared and Lucius cringed. She offered a grateful smile, "I'm a veterinarian, actually."

"Oh," He nodded and steepled his hands, "So you work with…?"

Camila blinked, "Animals?"

"Right, yes. Animals!" He gave an awkward and shaky smile, "I totally knew that, yes."

"...I've been sending you photos of animals all week."

"Which told me you were a veteneran, yes," Lucius' leg could be heard tapping away underneath the table in awkward anxiety.


"That's what I said, yeah."

Camila was starting to think he may be a bit out of touch with the world. In an effort to save him, she asked, "What do you do?"

Lucius' eyes widened slightly as he coughed into his fist. "I'm the ruler of an empire," He winced before laughing wildly, "I-I mean, I rule my own…company?"

"So like…a business empire?"

He nodded hastily and Camila, well, she didn't know what to think. On the one hand, that sort of tracked with how utterly wealthy he seemed to be, as well as his previous comments about having subordinates, employees, powerful friends, and just from how fancy his vested suit was…

But on the other…he was clearly hiding something. The problem was, she couldn't figure out what.

Maybe he's another emperor of the demon realm?Camila wondered before dismissing it entirely. If some emperor, evil or otherwise, had arisen in the Boiling Isles, Luz would've either mentioned it by now or gone on a quest to defeat him. Plus, if he was, why would he be here in the first place dating her? No, he was probably just very weird about his job and incredibly awkward.

And there they both sat for a minute, awkwardness and anxiety running through them both as they tried to find something to talk about.


"Vee! Vee, they're floundering!" Luz said, staring at the date like a hawk as she motioned to her adopted sister.

"On it."


"Ah, madame and monsieur! Welcome to ze Robinson Cafe!"

It took all of Camila's willpower not to break down laughing and/or slide deeper into her seat with despair.

That was Vee. That was her daughter shapeshifted into a stereotypical French waiter. She even had a waxy mustache that shone in the light. Camila covered her face with her hands, groaning in embarrassment as Vee offered her a wink before turning to Lucius, "May I offer ze monsieur a nice drink to-"

"Oi!" The manager came out by chance, staring at Camila's transformed daughter in anger, "You don't work here. Screw off!"

Vee opened her mouth before the front door was flung open and Masha marched in. They grabbed their girlfriend by the back of the suit, dragging her out with a hurried, "Sorry about that, Mrs. Noceda!"

Camila laid her head on the table and groaned.

"I take it you knew that man?"

She looked up and found Lucius staring at her with a gentle smile. She returned it awkwardly, her mind racing on how to explainanyof that.

"That…my daughters-"Quick Cam, think of something!"-and their friends may be spying on us."

"Huh, that explains the two women staring at us from behind," Lucius chuckled, "I'm glad your children love you that much."

She sat up straight, "Your daughter planning on doing anything?"

He laughed, "My daughter's running a hotel she's built from the ground up. She's a bit too busy to spy on a date."

"And my daughter and her sister are college-aged," she blinked. There was a conversational opening, "Your daughter runs a hotel?"

He smiled wide, his teeth glinting in the light as he became animated, "It's a mix of a hotel and a redemption service. I have my…reservationsabout it, but she's so passionate that I can't help but want to support it."

"Redemption service?" She asked, genuinely curious.

"Oh, it's this thing where she takes…well, she takes in people to try and make them better," Lucius waved his hand through the air, "Drug dealers, villains, criminals of all sorts. If they've fallen into the dirt, she plans to help pick them back up again."

Camila smiled, "That sounds wonderful! Does she have any on hand counselors? What's her plan of action when it comes to rehabilitation or even health services?"

Lucius, his smile wide now that he was talking about his daughter, couldn't help but gush about her, "Her hotel only has one…patientright now, but considering it only opened a few days ago, I'm a little impressed. I don't know the specifics of what she does, but I'm already planning on talking to one of her uncles about free repair work."

"I'm happy you're helping your daughter out with this," Camila smiled and grabbed his hand, "Civil work like that, it's stressful, grueling, and utterly thankless. But if she truly wants to help people, well, I wish her all the best."

Lucius smiled at her and unlike all the other ones, this one was charming and confident and made her chest flutter, "What about you? What are your daughters up to when they aren't spying on dates?"

Camila laughed. "Oh, well, Luz is off doing college in-" Wait, sh*t. She couldn't explain the Boiling Isles or else he'd freak out. Instead, she stammered, "...uh, C-California?"

"That's cool," He thankfully didn't ask where, "What does she study?"

Camila smiled again, "Oh, just about everything! Plants, archaeology, history…"


The Morningstar Family limo drove off as soon as Lucifer waved it away.

Razzle, the driver, had to use sticks to reach the pedals, but it was worth it. He did a whole course on driving when Lucifer created him so he could drive Charlie around. Rather than head on home, however, he drove past a few buildings and found a nice alleyway to park in.

Razzle got out of the limo and flew over to the trunk. He made sure to look every which way before he carefully opened it. As soon as he did, a dark figure leapt out and did a combat roll on the ground.

The figure could only be described as a chibi version of a special ops soldier: A dark ghillie suit made of green and brown fibers, looking like a walking bush with night vision goggles. A whole satchel of cameras, notebooks, pencils, and pens hung off the figure's side.

Razzle looked so proud. "Baa!" He said happily, giving a quick salute.

"Baa!" Dazzle, the ghillied up butler of the Morningstar Family, replied seriously as he saluted.

Dazzle was on his best behavior right now. He'd been given a task of utmost importance by Big Sister Charlie, and he would not fail her.

"Alright Dazzle," Charlie Morningstar said, grabbing the little butler by his squeaky shoulders and staring into his blank, reptilian eyes. She cornered him by the limo parked outside her new hotel, "I have a mission for you, should you choose to accept it."

Dazzle nodded happily, not wanting to let his Big Sister down.

"You're going to be my eyes and ears tonight. Follow my father to the human world and gather as much information as you can about this…

Camila," Charlie looked conflicted and shook her head, "Please don't do anything that'd interfere with their date. Just keep watch and make sure she isn't secretly evil or something."

Dazzle nodded even harder now, sparkles in his eyes. Determination filled him and he thrust out his chest in pride. He saluted and Charlie giggled before ruffling his fluffy head.

"I know you won't let me down, Dazzle. So go out there, learn everything you can, and come back to me," she looked him in his eyes, "All without letting my dad know you're there, got it?"

Dazzle was shaking from how much determination was filling him. He nodded so hard his head felt like it'd fall off.

Dazzle shook his head, checking around both corners as he made his way out of the alleyway. "Baa." he called out to Razzle, letting him know it was safe.

"Baa!" Razzle said, causing Dazzle to look back. Razzle was worried about his brother, and it showed in his tone, "Baa?"

"Baa," Dazzle nodded, "Baa."

"Baa!" Razzle got into the car before the portal to Hell opened, glowing sigils colored crimson red circling about it. As the very wind of Pride swept the alleyway, the limo drove through the gate, which then closed without a single trace. With that done, Dazzle slipped the night vision goggles over his eyes, curling up enough that the ghillie suit looked like a bush.

It was slow, getting to the café, since Dazzle could only move when nobody was looking. Every time a human entered his vision, he'd freeze up and go into bush mode, staying as still as a statue until they passed. Dazzle was especially happy when a particularly slow-moving cat had gotten out of the way. Finally,thankfully, he made it to the café.

It was basic enough, sliding between empty tables until he was against the wall. Dazzle flew up from the ground to the window, gazing inside to see King Lucifer and his date.

Currently, Lucifer's date was in the middle of what looked to be a fun story, talking animatedly as she gestured through the air. As she spoke, her eyes were sparkling and full of mirth.

She looked pretty enough, Dazzle supposed. Big Sister Charlie hadn't told him how to feel about the woman, but she didn't seem to pose an active physical, mental, or political threat to Big Sister. As such, he wouldn't have any opinions on her at all. He took note about how the king stared at either her eyes or her lips as she spoke. That seemed like the kind of thing Charlie wanted him to watch out for.

Dazzle nodded, getting out his notebook and pen as he scribbled furiously.


"...and then I started laughing. I didn't know she was going to use the sausage links like that!" Camila shook with laughter as she recounted, "While everyone was screaming, I was just laughing at Luz giving her death speech."

Lucius stared at her; his chin cupped by his hands as he gave her his full attention. A smile was on his face as he listened to her tell the tale of the first (and last) play Luz had ever been allowed to participate in.

"She really does sound like a wonderful girl," He said, staring at her admiringly, "Most people would've freaked out with everyone else."

Camila felt herself frown, "I'm not most people."

"I know," Lucius' smile widened, "You're amazing."

Camila blushed, never once tiring of hearing him compliment her. He'd been doing it all night, these little comments that made her heart flutter. He'd say how her hair looked amazing, or that her dress was nice, or that he liked her earrings, or just…just little things like that.

It truly made her feel desired again.

God, if you're listening,she prayed,Please let this work out.

"You know, I envy you."

She blinked at the odd statement, finding Lucius staring off into space.

"Being a vet…it sounds like a dream," his voice became melancholic, "Working with cute animals all day, helping them get healthy, meeting new, good people who love their pets!" He sighed dreamily, "All I get is jerks and assholes all day, every day."

"Have you considered leaving?"

He blinked and smiled ruefully, "Mine isn't a job you can just'leave'unfortunately. Otherwise, I'd have jumped ship alongtime ago."

Camila reached over to grab ahold of his hand, "I can't imagine working a job you hate forever."

He gripped hers for a moment before releasing it, waving away her statement, "It's all relative I suppose." He then slid back into listening to her every word, "Now tell me more about your job?"

She smiled, "Only if you tell me more about your friends."



"Maybe they need-" Vee began, getting up to head in before she was cut off by Masha.


"You don't know wha-"

"No!" Masha's tone made it clear they wouldn't budge. Vee pouted, her significant other slinging their arm over her shoulder, "Look, I get you want the date to be perfect, but Mrs. Noceda told me to keep you both from going overboard. So, that's what I'm gonna do."

Luz barely paid attention as she just stared at her mom. She looked so happy, listening to Mr. Magne's stories with rapt attention as he gestured wildly and energetically, his eyes never once leaving her mom's. She didn't even notice Stringbean slipping off her head in a random direction towards the side of the building.

She was willing to bet that Mom completely forgot about the three of them by now. She was just…happy. Mr. Magne seemed to be a swell guy. Plus, after Vee accidentally broke the ice for them, they never once stopped talking. Not when their drinks came, not when people entered or left, and not when people were being too loud.

They were in their own little world.

Luz turned to Masha and Vee, a look of guilt on her face, "Maybe we should just go?" The two blinked at her. "Look at them," she gestured to Mom and Mr. Magne, "I'm pretty sure he's in the clear. Maybe we should let them be?"

Masha sighed in relief while Vee looked conflicted, "B-But what about the spicy magic? Or the limo? Or his-his everything? He's absolutely suspicio-"

"Vee," Masha turned to face their girlfriend, "Even if he's a vampire, he seems on the up and up. Let's give them some privacy."

Vee looked torn before she sighed and nodded. "Yeah…yeah, mom's gonna be fi-." she froze, stared at something behind Luz, and slammed her head into the table with a groan of despair, "Oh no, not him!"

Masha sighed and pinched the bridge of their nose, "Well, there goes that plan."

Luz turned around to see what they were looking at. Her eyes caught sight of an all too familiar brown tweed jacket and glasses.

She facepalmed. This was going to be a problem.


"...and he actually told me, to my face, mind you,'If you ever try to help me again, I'll kill you,'" Lucifer barely got his words out, struggling not to laugh through his own story.

Camila snorted and fought down giggles as her shoulders shook. "He didn't!"

"He totally did! I told M'You know you're speaking to your boss, right?', and he just shrugs and tells me he didn't vote for me."

Camila finally broke down laughing. Lucifer couldn't keep the dopey smile off of his face at the sound of her beautiful laugh. Ever since he started telling slightly edited stories about the Six Sins, he'd gotten many laughs out of her. Sure, he stayed away from any surrounding Asmodeus since they all tended to be a bittoo lewdin nature, but he could safely complain about Mammon all he liked. Well, him and Bee, with plenty of tales about her wild ragers that spread from her mansion to the farthest corners of Gluttony.

Camila had been fascinated by them, listening with rapt attention as he spoke of Mammon, or 'M', and his crazy get-rich-quick schemes, or Belph and her hospital work (he made a mental note to get Belphegor in touch with Charlie so they could talk shop about rehabilitation), or even Satan and his religious services.

Being the god of impkind had its perks.

"Your friends sound like quite the lively bunch," Camila chuckled, making Lucifer smile.

"They are, even though 'M' can be…well, he loves Charlie, and that's enough for me."

Especially when Mammon got insufferable about his relentless greed. The man liked Charlie though, surprisingly enough, so Lucifer wouldn't begrudge him his eccentricities. Even though he wanted to.

Camila, his lovely date for the evening, just smiled at him again and his chest fluttered again. Before he could respond, the door opened. For the first time this evening, a sour look passed across Camila's face, "Urgh,him."

Lucifer blinked and looked to where she was and saw a tweedy looking man in a brown coat with the stupidest goatee he'd ever seen on a chin. The man made his way over to a table and sat down right behind-

He blinked, and then did a double take.

There, at the table right behind the tweedy man's, were a pair of demons trying, and failing, to pretend like they weren't there. A gothic punk woman with undercut silver hair who was dressed in a gray crop top and black shorts was sitting across from a brown-haired, tan skinned man wearing a black coat and slacks.

He could feel the infernal energy wafting off of them, those were demons. There were actual demons from hell crashing his date and just... just sitting around like nothing was the matter.

The woman had a literal pentagram made of straps above her shirt. She wasn't even trying to blend in!

The two demons stiffened and looked panicked, hiding themselves behind a pair of menus as they tried to block out his sight. It didn't work, making them look even more suspicious.

"Urgh, don't even look at thatpendejo cabron," Camila hissed, making certain she couldn't even see the tweedy looking man, "That's the local nutjob."

Lucifer blinked as he turned to his date. He hadn't known her long, but he was certain she, much like Charlie, wasn't that capable of vitriolic hatred. "Nutjob?" He asked, sensing a story there.

Camila winced, "Maybe not 'nutjob', but he's an asshole. That's Jakob Hopkins." She glared down at her drink, "He's a conspiracy theorist who's been harassing my family for years now and making a nuisance of himself throughout town. I'm fairly certain he doesn't have a good bone in his body."

"Sounds like Adam," Lucifer casually mentioned, sipping his tea. He made a special note to have his servants investigate the man. If he continued to be a nuisance to Camila and her family…well, he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

"Who's Adam?"

He smiled. He didn't care where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with. He'd always make time for bitching about the First Man, "Adam is…well, he's the worst. Just the absolute worst." Camila raised an eyebrow. "I'm serious," He held his hands up in defense, "He's a misogynistic, egotistical, self-obsessed hedonist who thinks everyone everywhere should worship him for the simple act of existing."

"Yikes," Camila winced, "How do you know him?"

"...rival company," Lucifer answered carefully, "He's their main representative to our company and he constantly acts like his very presence in our area is worthy of praise." He shook his head, "I'd bar him from entry, but Heav-his company technically owns ours, so he's free to do as he pleases."

"Double yikes," Camila stirred her drink with her straw, "I wouldn't want to meet him."

"No, you wouldn't," Lucifer snorted in derision, "He'd probably try hitting on you while making a number of sexist comments and then throw a hissy fit if you said no."

"Oh, he's one ofthosetypes."

"Yep," Lucifer nodded, smiling. She got it, she truly did. Everyone hated Adam, "His first wife left him because he was a pig, and his second-"

A scream echoed from a thousand mouths.

New eyes formed as hundreds of faces stared out bleeding, pleading.

Bones broke and skin tore as new flesh was born.

"You did this to me."

Lucifer put down his drink, appetite and thirst gone as the familiar wave of guilt rushed through him. He hadn't known, he…he couldn't have known…

"Forget I brought up his second wife at all, please," He muttered, not willing to meet her eyes. Just in case she saw what he'd done reflected within. Camila looked up and took notice of his turning mood.

"Lucius?" She reached out to grab ahold of his hand, squeezing it tightly, "What's wrong?"

He opened his mouth to try and say something, anything at all, that would distract from what he had done. But then the door opened and a woman with curly brown hair entered the building. She wore a green jacket and striped shirt combo alongside a pair of black skinny jeans, eyeliner rimmed eyes narrowed in anger.

Camila went very still, her grip turning to iron, and she carefully let go of his hand.

Jacob Hopkins took notice of the woman, swallowed nervously, and fled into the bathroom. The woman made to follow, only to freeze as Camila stood up, a look of annoyance in her eyes.

"If you'll give me a minute while I smooth things out with my daughter," she said as she marched forward, grabbed the girl (he supposed it was Luz) by the arm and took her outside.

Lucifer blinked. That was probably gonna take a minute. Thankfully, it gave him plenty of time to deal with the current pest problem.

He got up carefully, smoothing out his vest and making his way over to a specific table, where the two demons sat hidden away in human disguise. They both had been anxiously avoiding his gaze since he noticed them.

Time to find out what's going on,Lucifer thought as the white-haired goth girl sank low in her chair, trying not to be noticed and/or hide under the table. Meanwhile, the gentleman scrambled out of his own chair, making a beeline for the bathroom. The king followed at a leisurely pace, opening the door to find the demon desperately trying to get into one of the stalls, his expression beyond terrified. "You know," Lucifer drawled out, "It's rude to spy on other people's dates."

"sh*t," The demon cursed before slowly turning to him, "Wha-me? Noooo, I would never…" he gulped and looked everywhere but at his eyes, "I mean, who would want to spy on your date, your majesty?" He froze, "f*ck. I mean-majesty? There's a king here? Who would have-"

Lucifer glared, taking a step forward as the demon scrambled backwards. He kept this up until the demon's back was against the wall. Realizing that he wasn't looming enough, he let one set of wings break free to hover above him. The demon was so terrified he broke his disguise, letting his true imp body reveal itself.

"You have ten seconds to explain why you're interrupting my date," Lucifer growled, the lights around him flickering as the shadows deepened.


Dazzle was doing a great job!

He recorded every last interaction, wrote every last response the king's date had said, and never once lost track of them...until now that is.

The king chased after a demon while the woman went off to talk to the mystery people. The same ones he'd noticed were spying on the king's date like a bunch of freaks. He logged it in his notebook while keeping watch from the shadows.

He was a good boy.

Right now, however, with the woman gone, he'd fulfill Big Sister Charlie's task and root through her left behind purse for any information on who she was.


Dazzle blinked and looked to the side. The ghillie suited goat demon stared in confusion at the flying snake. Thepurpleflying snake with a rattle in her tail.

"Meep!" The snake said happily while staring at the butler goat.

"Baa," Dazzle replied before the snake shifted into a perfect, if purple, copy of himself.

"Meep," The copy said happily as she did a little dance. While fascinating, Dazzle didn't have time for this; he had a purse to rifle through and information to get. He moved to go past the copy when she blocked his path.

"Meep," She warned. Dazzle moved to the other side; the copy followed.

Dazzle's eyes narrowed.


Me? Putting random PLOT segments into a date chapter?

It's more likely than you think.

Next Chapter: Interlude= Blitz and Loony versus Connecticut

Chapter 9: Interlude: Blitzy and Loony


How exactly did an imp and a hellhound end up at the Robinson Cafe anyway?


Sorry about the wait for this one folks, I've been smoothing things out with my editor.

BTW, I am happy to announce that A Divine (Romantic) Comedy now has an editor. Yep, all previous chapters were only done by me whenever I had time so I'm excited for the quality of chapters to increase.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Gravesfield was a beautiful little southeastern town with not even five thousand souls in its registry. It had a proud history stretching back to the first settlers of America, doing well to withstand the test of time. Though small compared to others of its kind, it flourished as a picturesque haven, with many residents either living throughout the heavily wooded areas or along the bank of the Connecticut River.

A stunning slice of New England americana.

The Gravesfield Historical Society was an old building of a colonial fashion, with red bricks, iron lining, and a white bell tower atop. It was revered as a place for learning the rich and fascinating history of the town, from the tale of the Brothers Wittebane, to the time Mark Twain traveled and wrote a small story within its borders.

It was currently under new management; the previous curator having been... less than ideal. Said former curator would be seething in jealous impotence had he known what was currently happening behind the beloved institution. That being, a fire-rimmed portal opened up behind it, hot and acrid wind blowing out as small animals fled in terror, with an imp and his adopted hellhound daughter walking through.

Blitz, the imp in question, was currently rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck to prepare for another tough job. The clown-turned-assassin for hire faced his daughter and grinned, "Ready to paint the town red, Loony?"

Loona, ever-suffering secretary/bodyguard/adopted daughter (insert where applicable) just sighed in annoyance, "Blitz, could you try topleasebe professional about this?"

Blitz sidled up to her and gave the closest thing he could get to puppy-dog eyes, "Call me dad!"


Blitz was unfettered. He'd get a 'dad'out of her before the night was done, he just knew it.

"Alright loony, off we go-urgh!" He choked as Loona yanked on the back of his collar.

"Human disguise, Blitz. Remember?" She hissed, her own transformation taking over, turning the young goth hellhound into a young goth woman with pale skin and whitish-gray hair instead of fur and a mane. Blitz rubbed his throat and got out his fake ears…only to watch as Loona swiped them out of his hands.

"I thought you wanted me in human disguise?" he asked.

"Yeah, anactualdisguise! Not that half-assed rush job we did in LA."

"I'll have you know my half-assed rush job was good enough to fool half the city and an entire TV crew," Blitz crossed his arms defiantly, glaring at his daughter, "Nobody knew I wasn't human even after I lost my ears."

"Okay, but this isn't the idiot capital of America. This is a small town where everyone knows everyone else. You even look a bit freakish and the entire place'll know in an hour," Loona glared, "Magic.Now."

Blitz sighed and fished out the grimoire, "Y'know, M and M didn't even have disguises that day and they got around fine."


Blitz winced as he fished through the magic tome of the Noble House of Stolas, trying not to think about how Loona would chew them out for that. He'd been reading it on and off in his spare time

to keep his mind off of Stolas

to keep busy while cases were down. It usually happened around Extermination time, when Sinners were more interested in finding refuge from Heaven's army of murder-hobos than getting even with those in life.

His throat burned as he rattled off the words, sigils glowing in the air as magical constellations from far off locales glowed, shined, and died around him…and then he was human.

Blitz remembered looking in a mirror the first time he'd tried this spell. That'd been a mistake since all he could think of for the rest of the day was his resemblance to Barb. Their human forms shared the same tan skin, red eyes, and chocolate colored hair with lighter streaks running through it. The only thing that kept him from looking like a male copy of his twin was the ever-present burn on the right side of his face, looking like a gnarly scar if he did say so himself.

"How do I look?" He spread his arms wide and looked at his adopted daughter.

"Not bad," Loona said approvingly, "At least now less people are likely to stare."

Blitz grinned and began to swagger off, striding around the building as he made his way to the deserted street across from the weird building they had appeared behind. "Alright Loony-"

"Don't call me that," she groaned.

"Loony," He smirked, "The target is some crooked beat-cop who gunned down the client for…" Blitz frowned, reached into his coat pocket, and withdrew a wadded-up paper before smoothing it out. "...Huh, it doesn't say," he crumpled it up even further and tossed it over his shoulder. Loona scrambled after it as he continued his swaggering march, "Either way, doesn't matter. We off the guy, cover up the scene, then go get ice cream. Sounds good?"

"Yeah, it…" She blinked, faced him, and co*cked her head to the side. "Why ice cream?"

Because, Blitz carefully didn't say,With Moxxie and Millie off for the next who knows when, my…thingwith Stolas non-existent, and everything with Barb wrecked to sh*t, I needsomeoneto keep me from goinginsane.Instead, what came out was, "Because it's Father-Daughter Bonding Time Night!" He slung an arm around her shoulder to pull her in close but ended up hanging off said shoulder with his feet in the air, "We missed movie night because you were out with your little friends-"

"Blitz…" Loona growled.

"-so I made the executive decision that we'll spend tonight eating ice cream and convincing you to call me dad!"

"Or," Loona said carefully. "We don't do that, and you go hang out with Moxxie and Millie so you can bother them for the evening."

In response, he grumbled, "They're in Wrath."Probably off making one of Mil's sh*tty brothers the Hellfather.


"In Lust being a hypocritical jackass with his giant of a boyfriend."

A sad look entered her eyes, "You could try talking to Sto-"

"C'mon Loony! Don't you wanna spend time with your old man?" He absolutely wasnotgoing to talk to Stolas. He wouldn't even think about the giant, fluffy,


annoying Goetia. Tonight, he was going to be happy and spend time with the one relationship he had left that hecouldn't possiblyf*ck up.

Loona looked at him with…she looked sad, and at first he wanted to look away, but she beat him to the punch on that. "Fine," she sighed reluctantly, "We can get ice cream after."

Blitz grinned and dropped to the ground, marching off in front of her once more, "That's the spirit! Let's go get this sh*tstain and bond as a family!"

"So what's the plan?"

He grinned evilly. Without Moxxie in his ear yapping about boring stuff, he'd been able to come up with a genuine, 100% Blitz plan that'd probably make Mox regret trying to reign in his genius.

"Something subtle, quiet, andabsolutelymasterful…"


In a log cabin outside of Gravesfield, a paranoid beat-cop on the run checked the blinds yet again to make sure nobody was coming up the long and winding drive.

He'd screwed up, and he'd screwed up badly. How was he supposed to know the druggie he shot and killed just so happened to be the son of a big gang-leader? How was he supposed to know bragging about it to his fellows would lead to a city-wide manhunt from hitmen and assassins?

He just wanted to be a cop for the power that came with the position! He liked making himself feel big by making others feel small. And now he was the most hunted man in New York.

He checked the blinds again and twitched. Nothing.

Maybe it'd be good to eat his soup now? For weeks, he'd obsessively checked to make sure his food wasn't poisoned. Just because he hadn't been poisoned yet didn't mean it couldn't happen.

He carefully returned to his soup-

And then a Chevy Silverado crashed through the front door, sending wood and splinters everywhere. The car kept driving even as it impacted and folded the hood around the stone fireplace. Its wheels spun furiously in the air as smoke and steam rose from the hood like mushroom clouds. A pair of flamethrowers duct-taped to the top of the car sprayed liquid fire around the cabin, turning his refuge from the gangs into an inferno.

The last thing Joe ever saw was a whole string of grenades thrown at him by what looked to be a grinning man in all black and a very embarrassed goth woman.


Through the streets of Gravesfield, a father and his adopted daughter walked.

"Seriously Blitz, do all your missions end like that?" Loona was annoyed, trying and failing to get the smell of smoke out of her hair.

"Like what?"

"On fire? Cars through the walls? Chaos to the nines?"

"Only the fun ones," Blitz smirked, a swagger in his step. That, he decided, was the best mission in quite a while.

"Did we have to burn down the entire cabin?"

"Yep!" He started walking backwards, hands behind his head as he looked at his daughter, "Destroying any potential evidence is a key requirement of work." And thus, he'd jury-rigged some flamethrowers and turned the stolen car into an instrument of kick-ass death.

His daughter groaned, "I'm starting to see why Moxxie told me to 'Keep you from going overboard.'"

"What can I say? My genius knows no bounds," Blitz shrugged, hearing Loona mutter something underneath her breath with a chuckle. He decided it was her marveling at how awesome her old man was, so he let it pass without comment.

Currently, the pair were walking down the streets of this sleepy little town. Blitz strutted with confidence while Loona trailed behind him as they made their way through the downtown area. They passed by a few souls as they made their way towards wherever Blitz was leading her.

Finally, they'd reached some quiet place called the Robinson Café. They'd passed it in the stolen Silverado and Blitz pegged it as the perfect place for father-daughter bonding! Hell, Loona was so happy at the prospect she'd slammed her head against the dash and groaned in pure happiness!

"Alright Loony! We're gonna spend some family time here until we're ready to go back: Board Games-"

"I'm not a five-year-old."

"-some delicious drinks-"

"This is a café. They don't have alcohol."

"-and talking about what you want to do for your birthday in two months!" Blitz planted both hands on his hips and offered a megawatt smile to his daughter.

Loona, ever the cynical goth woman, simply groaned and followed him in. She'd be the first to admit that the café looked nice and cozy. It wasn't her usual scene, but she could see herself coming over to a place like this after work to just relax and listen to some tunes on her Hellphone.

Naturally, Blitz dragged the two of them to the counter where a heavy-set older gentleman and a younger woman worked on drinks and orders. He gushed, "I'll take a regular mocha and something extra sweet for my super sweet little girl!"

Loona facepalmed in embarrassment. The heavy-set man, who looked to be the manager, immediately pulled the younger woman over and started gushing about her college grades and her roller derby team. This started an infinite feed-back loop of fatherly pride as Blitz matched him, gushing about her and her new friends.

She and the server shared a look of commiseration and nodded to each other.

No matter the dimension, fathers were embarrassing.


"Sooo…what do you wanna talk about Loony?"

Loona had pretty much folded in on herself as she sat at the table, listening to some metal as she nursed an admittedly very tasty Frappuccino with whipped cream and sprinkles. She wouldn't admit the drink was good, though. That'd require saying as such to Blitz, so she simply drank it in silence.

Currently, the adopted father-daughter duo simply sat together waiting. Waiting for what depended on who you asked: If you asked Blitz, they were waiting for Loona to open up and join in on family time. If you asked Loona, they were waiting for Blitz to get bored, forget why they were here, and then head on back to Pride where they could call it a night.

"How about…" She said testily, "We just enjoy our drinks in silence."

"Nah, f*ck that. Let's talk about what Mox and Mil are up to right now."

Loona slid into her seat and sighed. Blitz's parasocial relationship with his co-workers would be the death of her.

"You know, I've been building up a list of names I'm gonna throw at Mox's head. Girl names, boy names, intersex names, I even got a whole heap of gender-neutral ones just in case," He went on, pulling out scraps of paper from his pockets onto the table, "And I mean literally throw at his head. I'm gonna gather all the names in a big ball and just chuck it at him when he least expects it."

"You could just call and talk to them, like a normal person."

Blitz shook his head, "I'm not talking to that traitor. He's making one of Millie's brothers the Hellfather."

Loona blinked, "They told you?"

"No, but I know for a fact they're just waiting to do it when my back is turned," her adoptive father all but sneered, "So I'm gonna get my revenge. I'll make a giant pile of baby names, load it into a cannon, and aim it right at their house!"

"Literally, I ambeggingyou, just talk to them," Loona said, to which Blitz crossed his arms like a petulant child. With a sigh, she dropped it. "Alright, fine," The hellhound sat back in her chair, listening to him ramble several possible names for the baby. Her ear twitched as the cafe door opened.

"Lucius," a female voice happily said, "You made it."

Both father and daughter turned and beheld a man who looked an awful lot like…

"Huh, is it me or does he kinda look like the king?" Blitz asked as he looked the man up and down.

"No, I see it," Loona kept her eyes on him, "Like, if you give him fangs and made his skin paper white, it'd be him dead on."

"Even the names are similar," Blitz muttered, the human who looked like the King of Hell meeting a mature woman with streaks of gray in her hair.

"Lucius…Lucifer…heh, maybe itisthe king and we're interrupting his date?" Loona chuckled at the thought.

Blitz laughed, "Can you imagine?Us, date-crashing the king himself?"

"We'd have to be the unluckiest demons in existence," Loona continued.

"He'd probably kill us and throw our corpses into the Cocytus."

"If we had any luck at all, he would!"

Both father and daughter laughed to themselves and returned to their drinks. And then…

"Oh f*ck," Blitz muttered.

"That's the king," Loona said in a small voice, "That's actually the king. We'reactuallydate-crashing the Morning Star."


"He's actually going to kill us," She stared at Blitz in absolute terror, "We're hereillegallydoing even moreillegalthings and he's going tokillus."

A small whine exited his mouth, something tiny and broken as he looked past Loona and into the distance beyond, "I think I'm gonna be sick."


"Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely gonna be sick."


He made no moves, not a single muscle even spasming as he just sat there in locked up horror. "We're dead." He hissed, his voice having an almost manic edge to it, "We're actually gonna die."

"Dad!" Loona raised her voice just slightly, shocking the disguised imp.

"You…you called me-"

"Dad," She didn't care, not when so much bigger things were on the line right now, "Dad, what do we do?"

Blitz looked at her, swallowed, and began to shake, "We gotta get out of here, Loona."

She shivered in fear at the fact that he'd used her full name. That wasdefinitelynot a good sign. She wanted to break open a window and hightail it out of here with Blitz safely secured on her back. Instead, her mind decided to be treacherous and evil, making her swallow nervously and ask, "How? How do we get past him?"

He sagged, all the energy in his body leaving, "I don't know."

"Dad, please. What do we do?"

"I don't know, Loona. I don't know," Blitz looked at her in terror, gulping before glancing at Lucifer Morningstar: King of the Nine Circles of Pride, and ruler of the Seven Rings of Hell. Trembling, he suggested, "We just…we wait for something to distract him and bolt."

"That's not much of a plan," She muttered, trying and failing not to think of the many ways in which it could go wrong. Unfortunately for her, Blitz just shrugged.

"That's all I got."


The wait was agonizing.

Lucifer was having a lovely time and didn't get up or move his attention away from the woman he was with once. He talked, laughed, and told embarrassing stories. The woman looked enthralled as she shared her own, all while Loona and Blitz decided to spend their last moments of existence figuring out who and what she was.

"...all I'm saying is, it makes perfect sense," Blitz said, shakily drinking from the empty cup in his hands, "A low ranking Goetia lady would have access to the human world. And she'd be low enough on the totem-pole that coming here would keep her from assassins."

Loona's foot was tapping away at a rapid pace, anxiety and horror causing every nervous tic she had to activate all at once, "No, no, I get it Dad. I just…I still think she could be a succubus."

"Asmodean crystals are their specialty," Blitz offered her a shaky smile that Loona returned. The two sat in silence, awaiting the slim-to-nonexistent chance for survival when some nerdy, gangly, tweedy looking human walked in. He approached the table behind theirs as the king's date complained about him, much to their confusion.

"Does she know him?" Loona muttered.

Blitz blinked, "How could she know him enough to hate him?" Then a thought his (and Loona's) mind,She'd know him enough to hate him if she were a hu-

And then, to their mind-blanking horror, the king's gaze followed hers to find their little table where his eyes narrowed.

"sh*t! He saw us!" Blitz hissed as he hid his head behind a menu, Loona doing the same.

"Maybe not," Loona tried not to hyperventilate, "Maybe…maybe he thinks we're cosplayers?"

"Loona, we're unlucky enough to be stuck in the same café as the King of Hell. We are notthat lucky!"

They trembled in fear, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. The door to the café opened and the nerd man behind them rose up, fleeing from someone they refused to look at. If they did, they'd probably get the king's attention.

"I'm gonna look," Blitz hissed, lowering his armsrightas Lucifer stood up from the table.

Loona whined and sunk low into the table, trying her best to blend in with the furniture, while Blitz bravely ran away. He scrambled like he'd never scrambled before, all but falling on all fours as he rushed to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a slam.

"sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!" He began trying each and every stall to put another door between him and Lucifer…but then the bathroom door opened.

"You know," Lucifer said conversationally as he stepped inside, "It's rude to spy on other people's dates."

Blitz panicked and did the single worst thing he could've done: Open his mouth and speak.

"sh*t," He plastered a nice and disarming smile on his face, "Wha-me? Noooo, I would never…I mean, who would want to spy on your date, your majesty?"Dammit! Why did I say that?"f*ck. I mean- majesty? There's a king here? Who would have-"

Lucifer began to move forward, and Blitz began to move backwards until his back was to the wall. Frowned, the king let a set of wings break free to loom over him, snarling, "You have all of ten seconds to explain why you're interrupting my date."

Well,Blitz, losing his disguise in a panic, opened his mouth and let out an absolute stream of word-vomit,At least things can't get any worse?


I feel like I've focused in the Hazbinverse side a lot lately, so after the Second Date arc is over next chapter (that's what I'm calling it, an arc) well take a trip to the Boiling Isles for a few chapters before we get to date number three.

Next Chapter: The Finale of the Second Date... it's going to be a long one folks

Chapter 10: Second Date: Finale


Lucifer reacts to IMP, Cam reacts to Luz, and a date is thoroughly crashed


I am terribly sorry about the long wait for this chapter: Real life got in the way in a big way which led to me having a teensy weensy cry session on my couch due to unrelated reasons. Life is stressful right now, and since I usually respond to stress by writing out my feelings you can expect further chapters to come at least every other day barring extreme circ*mstances.

I made sure to not cut this chapter apart into two even though its now twenty pages long, which is eight pages longer than usual. So please enjoy as we wrap up the Second Date.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Okay, in our defense, itwasJacob Hopkins! Of course we were going to intervene for that!"


"He's probably there to dissect your date and see if he's a Martian snake man, or a moon zombie, or…or whatever he was ranting about last week!"


"And I wasn't gonna hurt him. Just maybe warn him not to mess with you…again. He's-"


Camila loved her daughters, she really did. When they all returned triumphant from the demon realm, she'd made sure to tell Luz that she was loved every day. Reminding her that she'd always have her mom for support was part of the healing process, and ensured they'd never return to how it was before. So, while flattered that her daughters were so invested in her love life, that didn't mean she wasn't annoyed by the interference.

Pinching the bridge of her nose, Camila sighed. The night had been going very well, with Lucius being charming, humorous, fun to talk to, and having an almost manic energy of trying to live life to the fullest. Now here she was, away from her date to explain to her daughter why trying to force out someone (albeit one who deserved it) from a restaurant would most likely end in them all being banned.

"I love you, Mija. But just going after Mr. Hopkins when all he's done is sit down is just going to circle back on you," Camila said, her daughter looking ready to argue before she slumped.

"I know, I just don't want him to be an asshole to you.Again." Luz gained a thunderous look, "And I still haven't forgiven him for the crap he pulled on Vee back then," She pulled the basilisk, who smiled brightly, close to her and clenched a tight fist in the air, "Noceda sisters stick together!"

"Sorry, hold on," Masha's voice was concerned, looking at their girlfriend, "What, exactly, did he try to do to Vee?"

Vee chuckled nervously while Luz frowned, "He locked her in a cage and tried to dissect her live on YouTube."

Masha blinked before a calm expression came across their face, "I'm gonna beat the crap out of him."

"Masha, no!" Vee wriggled out of Luz's grasp to stop them.

"Masha, yes!" Masha marched towards the doors with clenched fists. Camila watched the whole thing, sorely tempted to just stand aside and let her daughter's wonderful partner exact vengeance. Frankly, the more she remembered that horrible day, the more tempted she was. But she still had to be a responsible parent, so she stepped in the way.

"Please," she said, "At least wait until tomorrow to do anything rash."

Masha nodded and stepped back, though their fists were still clenched until Vee brought them into a hug, "I'm okay, Masha. He didn't really hurt me, mom beat him up with la chancla before he could."

While the two hugged it out, Camila turned away from her adopted daughter towards her biological one. Luz was staring into the restaurant with an odd look on her face. "Mija?" She called out to her and, as Luz turned, she brought her into a hug of her own, "I love you so much, Luz. I never want you to ever forget that."

She hugged her not-so-little-anymore girl tightly. Luz brought her arms up to hug her back, "I love you too, mama."

"But Luz…" Camila pulled back, looking her daughter in the eye, "I need to fight my own battles, even if that means dealing with Hopkins on my own," she smiled warmly, "It means so much to me that you want to defend your mother, but I need you to trust me alright?"

Luz opened and closed her mouth a few times before relenting. She offered a small smile, "Yeah, I can do that."

She placed a small kiss on Luz's forehead, having to angle herself up slightly to do so, "I love you, Luz. Always have, always will."

"Ditto, mom."

"So!" She called out to the three of them, "No assaulting Mr. Hopkins until I'm safely home and can offer an alibi."

"Yes mom," Luz and Vee playfully saluted.

"Yes, Ms. Noceda," said Masha with a nod.

"Good," Camila turned back to the restaurant, "Let's hope Lucius is having as good a time as I am."


Lucifer was not having a good time.

Oh, he was having awonderfultime before this, with Camila being just as charming and wonderful as she was during their first meeting. He was enjoying himself and wanted very much to go back and spend the rest of the night just listening to her tell stories about her veterinarian work. But here he was instead, in a bathroom, staring down a nosy imp trying to explain why he and his friend were spying on his date.

The imp, his burned face scrunched up in fear, held up his hands and began to beg, "Okay, look your majesty. We, um, that is to say my daughter and I…we're here by accident. Really! We are! We were here on a job and we just happened to show up here to have family time!"

"You really expect me to believe?" Lucifer chose his words carefully as the imp cringed, "That you and your daughter just so happened to find the one café in all the human realm that I was in with my date…by complete accident?" The imp gulped, tugged at his collar, and nodded hastily, prompting the king to snarl, "Bullsh*t."

"No, no no no!" The imp rubbed his hands together and strung words, "See, it really was all an accident. We just…well, she was off with her friends during family movie night, so we decided to have family time after the job," a full body flinch worked its way through the imp, "N-Not that we had a job in the human world, mind you-"

Lucifer sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, a hand up to cut the imp off, "You already told me you're here on a job, so I know you're paparazzi."

"Hey!" The imp actually looked angry at him, indignance overcoming fear for a second, "We arenotthose media jackals! We're I.M.P. and we're-" His face lost all color and he immediately clamped a hand over his mouth.

Lucifer raised an eyebrow, "If you're not a paparazzi then…who are you?" The imp's eyes widened as he shook even further, trying to blend into the wall. Lucifer noticed something holstered to the imp's side: the very tip of some metallic object. Frown deepening, he asked, "What's that you have by your side?"

The imp furiously tugged the edges of his coat closed and tried to give off a disarming smile, "Nothing, your majesty!"

Lucifer glared as the imp sweated nervously.

"What is your name, imp?"

"B- Blitzø, sir. The ø is silent."

"Blitz, then," Lucifer leaned forward and grabbed hold of the coat's edge before tugging it open, "If you're not paparazzi, then I can only think your something crazier like an assass-" He stared, Blitz shook, and the handle of the heavy pistol stayed strapped to his side, "Blitz?"

Blitz was too terrified to respond.

"Why do you have a weapon from Hell in the human world?"

The imp was silent.

"What do you do, Blitz?" the king asked, annoyance replaced with anger as the imp gulped.

"Your majesty-my daughter doesn't know," He was rambling now, voice so far beyond terror it seemed calm, "It's just me doing this, no one else. My daughter was brought here for family time and she doesn't know what else I came up here to do-"

"What. Do. You. Do. Blitz?"

"I…kill the living for Sinners?"

Silence followed Blitz' statement, the King of Hell just blinking as his mind tried to understand the words he'd just heard. Then-

Every light in the restaurant flickered, the overheads in the men's bathroom shattered into sparks. The shadows roiled and twisted as Lucifer's human disguise broke apart like glass. All six of his wings spread out behind him as his horns broke through to their full height; they held a snake eating an apple between them in exchange for his long-forgotten halo. His eyes were blood red as he grabbed Blitz by the coat edges and shook him like a ragdoll.

"YOU DO WHAT!?" Lucifer screeched, an echoing reverb to his voice. His expression was thunderous as he brought his face in close to the imp and hissed with uncontained rage, "Youmiserablepile of sh*t! What do you mean you kill the living!?" Blitz winced, Lucifer's rage so far beyond boiling it was an almost physical presence itself, "Do you haveanyidea how many laws of Hell that breaks? Do you even care what Heaven will do if they find out!? Tell me you weren't so stupid as to thumb your nose at the angels!?"

Blitz laughed hysterically, remembering the incident with the cherubs and not saying anything.

"You assassinate humans for those…thosewretches!?I should…I should…" He dropped Blitz, the imp scrambling away in terror while the king clutched his chest, gasping for air, "I think I'm having a heart attack.Oh Father, I'm having a heart attack!"

"Oh sh*t-please don't die on me!" Blitz tried to grab hold of the heaving King of Hell, who not only batted his hands away, but began to prop himself up with the sink counter. Lucifer's eyes were wide (and not the least bit hysterical) as he laughed maniacally.

"I'm fine. Don't…don't touch me…" He rasped, clutching at his chest and shaking as he slowly made his way forward, "You…I'm going to-"

The stall door slowly opened, with Lucifer and Blitz turning to see Jacob Hopkins staring at them in open-mouthed shock, perched on the toilet like a gremlin.

"Holy sh*t…"He muttered, wide-eyed at the two. Lucifer, still gasping for air, actually started to giggle.

"Of course…" The king said, mania in his voice, "Why not?"

"Holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy sh*t-"Jacob whispered over and over again.

"Is he…okay?" Blitz asked, beginning to edge his way out of the corner he'd forced himself into. He kept an eye on Jacob while keeping the king in the corner of his sight.

"Probably not. He just got actual proof that the crazy things he believes are true," Lucifer's breathing calmed a bit as he focused on the conspiracy nut, "I mean, haven't any of the humans youillegallykilled acted like this?"

"Not really. Most were either drunk off their ass, dumb enough to not question sh*t, or Satanist cannibals in…one unfortunate case."

"Oh, thank Father for that." Lucifer stood tall and took a deep breath, hands moving with the motion of the air as he let out both the breath he was holding and all the stress, "Okay, I think I'm good."

"-holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy-"

"You're not…mad anymore?" Blitz asked. Lucifer blinked, stared at the imp, and laughed hysterically.

"HAHA!Good one! No, I'm soutterly pissedthat it's actually calming me down."


"Anyway, here's what's going to happen," Lucifer started explaining, "I'm going to go out there and finish my lovely date with a lovely woman. You, meanwhile, are going to go out there and wait with your friend for the end of said date. Once it's over, I'm taking you before the Royal Convocation for threatening Hell itself."

"That's not what's going to happen!" the voice of their almost forgotten company chimed in. Both Blitz and Lucifer blinked in confusion before turning to Jacob, who was looking at them like all his birthdays were happening at once. "What's going to happen-" he began, sparkles in his eyes, fire from Lucifer's crown dancing in his pupils, "-is you're both going to go home with me. I'm going to dissect you live on YouTube, and then I'll be famous and stick it to everyone in this podunk town!"

Lucifer and Blitz blinked again, the former shrugging while the latter remained confused.

"And we'll do that because…?" Lucifer asked.

"Because Icaughtyou!" Jacob hopped off the toilet he had been perched on like a gargoyle, "I saw you both without disguises, so I'm in charge now! I can go out there and tell everyone you're not human if you don't-"

Lucifer's human disguise reformed around him with a shimmer and he snapped his fingers, causing Blitz's own disguise to reform as well.

"I don't know what you mean, my good man," Lucifer said in amusem*nt, "We were just in here talking when the town conspiracy theorist accosted us."

"Wait, you're the town wackjob?" Blitz's voice finally lost the terror it'd been filled with, amusem*nt in its place, "Ha, I was worried for nothing!"

"No, no. You weredefinitelyworried for a good reason," Lucifer said, acid in his voice as Blitz shivered.

A phone flashlight went off, illuminating Jacob's smug face, "I recorded it, act-"

Lucifer lifted a finger and a scorching ray of hellfire shot right through the phone, melting the top half into slag. "Oops," The king's voice was smug, "My hand slipped."

"That's not…That's not fair!"

"Life isn't fair, get over it."

The bathroom door opened and the manager looked in, "You boys alright?"

Lucifer stepped into the light of the café, smiling ear to ear, "We're fine, actually, just a little rattled from whatever caused the lights to go out. But other than that-"

Before he could continue, Jacob rushed forward and pointed at the two of them. "They're demons!" He screeched hysterically, "The tan one's an assassin from Hell and the blonde is the king of demons! They're here to kill us and steal our souls!"

The manager looked annoyed before throwing an embarrassed look to the two, "He didn't bother you two much, did he?"

"Wha-didn't you hear a word I said!? They're demons from Hell!"

"Oh, he wasn't too much trouble," Lucifer slung an arm around Blitz's shoulder and pulled him in close, "My friend here was just regaling me with a tale from one of his daughter's fantasy adventure games. Mr. Hopkins took it quite literally, I'm afraid."

"Heh, I know what you mean," The manager had a soft look as he stared off into the distance, "My little girl used to play D&D herself back in high school, but she hasn't done it much since her group moved away for college. She was the most adorable high-level warlock in all Gravesfield back then-"

"This isn't a game, I'm completely serious!" Jacob was screeching as he shook the manager, "They're going to kill us all! Grab a cross or some silver and slice them with it! Their skin will burn on contact!" He started rifling through his pockets, "I should have a silver switchblade somewhere in here-"

"And now you've moved on to threatening customers. Yep, that's about all I'm taking from you," The manager grabbed Jacob's shoulder and led him towards the main entrance, "Thank you so much for dropping by, Mr. Hopkins, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to take your patronage elsewhere."

"Get off of me! I'm trying to save Gravesfield!"

"Just like you try to'save Gravesfield'by harassing the Noceda family?"

"The sister is a shapeshifting Martian infiltrator here to prepare the town for an invasion of body snatchers! I have the evidence!"

As Jacob ranted and raved while being pushed out the door, Lucifer turned to Blitz and snarled, "Remember, you're going to wait out there.Don't try to run."

Blitz gulped and nodded.


Camila didn't resist her vindictively smile as Hopkins was forced out of the café, ranting and raving about demons.

Guess he got someone to ask about his theories,she thought while sipping her mocha. She tried to turn the other cheek, she really did. She even tried teaching her daughters to do so as well. But you could only forgive so much, and unfortunately for Jacob, he was too much to forgive.

She did, however, wonder about the words he was using: Demons from Hell. Not Mars, or Atlantis, or somewhere else, butHell. She also wondered where, exactly, her date had gone-

"Camila! So sorry to leave you, just had to use the…restroom and got caught up with all of…that," As if summoned by her very thoughts, Lucius appeared again and took his seat.

She took notice as the tan fellow with the burnt eye awkwardly went back to his table and started talking to the goth woman across from him. They looked, well, resigned as if something terrible was going to happen. She was more interested in what Lucius said though, and asked, "Caught up? You were there for Hopkins' meltdown?"

A brief look of panic entered his eyes before he laughed, resting his chin in his hand, "Oh, I set him off, actually."


Lucius regained a bit of confidence, "Well, I was talking with someone about his fantasy adventure game. He's playing an assassin from Hell who kills the living on behalf of the damned. I jokingly asked if whoever was running Hell would be opposed to that." He let out a rich, boisterous guffaw with arms spread wide, "I mean, if I were the King of Hell-" as his voice carried over the lull of the café, the two people behind him stiffened in their seats. "-I'd be sooo mad about assassins interfering with mortal lives!"

The goth woman let out a small, almost dog-like whine for reasons Camila could not understand as Lucius continued, "Hopkins overheard us and took it literally, so he went crazy and started talking about silver knives and such." He smiled at her before growing confused, "Also, he started ranting about some slug monster from Mars-"

"Hahaha!" Camila let out a panicked laugh, cutting him off, "That's so weird and random! Where does he get those crazy ideas of his?"

Lucius blinked at her and then shrugged, "I don't know him well enough to guess, I suppose. It does sound pretty far-fetched."

"Sooo, you play D&D?" Camila, internally relieved, rubbed the back of her head and smiled sheepishly.

Lucius gave an awkward chuckle, "Not me, personally. I just have a lot of creative energy so I offered some advice."

"I can tell," Camila chuckled back, "Your rubber ducks are cute."

He beamed and reached out to grab her hands, holding them softly, "Thank you. It was something I took up after the divorce, but I've always liked making things." Lucius gained a wistful look in his eyes as he spoke, "My…my old job was as an inventor. I had so many ideas for what to make, even having my own team of archivists to help me work out the kinks in things. I wanted to try my hand at something truly wonderful but…" he sighed, "But I couldn't get my ideas across properly, so it never happened."

He smiled shyly, "So now I make ducks."

"I told you I used to be into cosplay, right?" Camila began, inspired. Upon his nod, she continued, "I actually wrote fan-scripts for Cosmic Frontier," she chuckled at the memories of writing embarrassing self-insert fiction. It was silly, and she did sometimes cringe about some of the more mary-sue esque ones, but by God did she have so much fun writing them, "I'd even give them their own covers and make them into real books."

"I think that's wonderful. I…I think you're wonderful, really," Lucius smiled, making her chest flutter. She tucked her hair behind her ear and, with the lights shining down, felt like she was in her own little world. She and Lucius began to lean in, lips puckering-

The main window of the café was shattered as a body crashed into a table. Jacob Hopkins, a wild look in his eyes, got up shakily from its remains and glared at the happy couple. A large crucifix was in his left hand while his other hand held a knife.

"He's the king of demons!" He shouted, pointing his knife straight at Lucius, "He and his personal assassin are here to steal our souls and I'll prove it-" he paused, took note of their interlocked hands, and laughed hysterically, "Of course! Ofcourseyour family's involved! You're probably a warlock priestess sent to covet the Antichrist!" She was about to tell him to screw off when he charged her like a bull, knife glinting as he reared back his arm to stab her, shouting, "The shapeshifter's in on it, I always knew it!"

Before Camila could get out her pepper spray or even do anything, a black and gray blur impacted Jacob and sent him tumbling to the ground.

"Arm-bars everywhere!" The young, white haired goth woman shouted, twisting Hopkins' arm enough to make him drop the knife and cry out in agony.

"That's the way to do it, Loony!" A tan skinned man placed himself between her and Hopkins, "Snap his arm!"

"I'm not doing that, Blitz!"

"Then slam his head into the ground so we don't hear him yelling anymore."

"Camila!" Lucius rushed around the table towards her, his eyes filled with panic and worry, "Are you alright?"

She blinked as Jacob writhed on the ground, pained yet still throwing out threats, "I'll get you! You, the assassin from Hell, the slug beast from Mars, all of you! I'll prove you're all monsters and show everyone that I'm the hero!"

Camila glared and pepper sprayed his eyes.

"I'm fine," She said as Jacob screamed, the manager rushed forward, and her daughters practically shattered the door rushing in to help dogpile the bastard.

Things naturally devolved from there.


The police were called, because of course they were called after that.

Jacob, struggling like an eel, was forced into the back of a cop car. He ranted and raved about Lucius and Camila's saviors, calling them every name under the sun. Multiple eye-witnesses gave statements, looking a bit startled, but otherwise okay, Camila being in the same boat as them. Though that wasn't enough for Luz and Vee, who worriedly hovered over her like mother hens to make sure of that.

"Please, I said I was alright. Really, I am."

"He tried to attack you with a knife!" Luz countered. Camila found she really couldn't find a rebuttal for that.

"I knew I should have gone in there and beat him up," Masha was rubbing their fist and glaring at the cop car, "If I'd just beat the crap out of him then and there-"

"Then the cops would have been called on you instead of him."

"It'd be worth it, Ms. Noceda!"

Camila ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, what a bad ending for a good night. However, her attention was shifted when she heard a figure slowly and awkwardly shuffle their way over. Hearing a cough, she turned and saw Lucius, who was wringing his hands nervously.

"Hey…" He chuckled, awkwardly waving a hand. Luz and Masha stared at him while Vee narrowed her eyes and sniffed the air. Coughing into his fist, he said, "I just-I want to…well, apologize."

"Apologize?" Okay, Camila wasn't sure where this was going.

"I just-" he tugged at his collar, "I can't help but feel like that was all my fault. If I hadn't…hadn't talked out loud where anyone could hear then maybe-"

"No, Lucius, this isn't your fault," her shoulders slumped, "He's just apendejowho thinks he's the town savior."

"Why do you think this is your fault?" Vee asked, suspicion in her voice.

"I…might have loudly talked about demons in front of him without knowing he was there?" He shrugged with a slight smile. Vee hummed, but said nothing. "And anyway," His voice was slightly panicked as he rambled, "I didn't know he'd do that! If I knew he'd attack you I would've-well, I would've chosen my words more carefully and not talked about demons in front of him-"

"Lucius, it's fine," She chuckled as he stopped, "Jacob didn't hurt me. Really, it's fine-"

"He could have though!" Both Luz and Lucius said simultaneously, causing the two to look at each other.

"Well, this isn't quite how I imagined this meeting going but, uh…Luz, this is Mr. Magne, " She gestured between them, "Lucius, this is my daughter, Luz."

"Ah, well," he put on a smile, "Nice to meet you Luz. Wish it were under better circ*mstances."

Lucius thrust out a hand towards Luz, who cracked a smile and shook it, "Yeah, it's nice to meet you too."

"If you're Luz-" He turned to the confused Vee, "Then you must be Vee!"

Vee shook his hand, but her face scrunched up as if trying to work out a puzzle. When the disguised basilisk retracted, she stared at her hand oddly. Lucius, meanwhile, smiled before cringing as he turned to Camila, "Again, I'm really sorry about causing this. I understand if you don't-"

"You can make it up to me on our next date."

"-want to see me anymore. It's fine and-" Lucius blinked, shook his head, and stared at Camila in surprise, "You…you want to go out again?"

"I had a lot of fun tonight, and I really like spending time with you," She explained as his eyes lit up, "Did it end badly? Yes, but nobody got hurt. Well, except for thatpendejo cabron." Camila offered a teasing smile, "So yes, I'd like to go out again."

Lucius giggled like a schoolgirl as he stared at her in wonder. "I-YES! Yes, I would like that very much! I'll…I'll keep in contact and we'll plan something nice," He started backing up, voice full of mirth, "You won't be disappointed, I promise!"

He then, to her absolute amazement, turned around and did a little victory dance before rushing off. She smiled and blushed at the thought of someone being that excited to be with her.

"Mom, you're dating an absolute dork," Luz said happily before she blinked, reached up to her head, and asked, "Has anyone seen Stringbean?"


Along the alleyway behind the Robinson Café, an epic battle of titanic proportions was taking place.

Two great beasts: one a demonic goat-butler born of a stuffed toy brought to life, and the other a great serpent born of a wooden egg. Both were in the guise of the other hissing furiously like cats as they charged.

"Baa!" Dazzle, the butler of the Morningstar Family cried out angrily.

"Meep!" Stringbean, Palisman of the Noceda Family answered furiously.

The two collided in a tangle of limbs and fury, the escaping sounds comparable to throwing two stuffed squeaky toys together. They furiously slapped, bit, and butted heads like stray cats fighting for territory and dominance.

Except somehow it was cute.

Both squeaked like rubber ducks as they brutalized one another…or at least, as they did the closest thing to brutalization as they would. Despite Stringbean's ability to shapeshift and give herself razor sharp claws and teeth, and despite Dazzle's ability to turn into a giant dragon, neither did so. Instead, they stayed in their base forms and simply fought one another in a manner that any passing observer would call "Loony Toon-esque."

Dazzle pulled out Stringbean's leg and bit down and, in response, Stringbean put Dazzle in a headlock, giving him a noogie.

Dazzle picked up Stringbean and threw her against the wall, where she immediately bounced back into him. This knocked him into the other wall, causing the two to bounce around like pinballs until they ended up in a dumpster. Once inside, the Palisman picked up an old cardboard paper towel holder, while the goat-butler picked up an old and broken ladle.

For the next few minutes, an epic sword-fight broke out…which was simply them slapping and hitting one another like children as they growled threats.

"Baa!" The butler-goat hissed, his expression murderous.

"Meep!" Stringbean retorted, causing Dazzle to reel back and clutch his chest painfully.


"Meep," Stringbean crooned, victory in her eyes. She brought her cardboard roll up to finish the job-

"Stringbean! Where are you, buddy?"

Stringbean paused, looked at her not-yet-defeated foe, and dropped the cardboard roll. Slowly, she shifted back into her base form and used her tail to point at her eyes and then Dazzle's before floating backwards.

Dazzle, unbroken and undefeated, drew a finger across his throat, backing up as well.

And on that night, an epic rivalry was born.


"Well…that happened," Lucifer Morningstar said to himself. He wasn't one for shock, yet he found himself astounded by how the night had gone. On the one hand, he hada third date!On the other, a crazy guy tried to attack him and Camila with a knife and crucifix. Not to mention he lied about why it happened to her face, so the night was, overall, not the best.

Maybe next date he would just take her on a nice picnic? Candles, a nice tarp, basket of food…yeah, he would take her on a picnic. A public picnic to a public park where no crazies could follow.

He smiled, already planning on what to make for…scratch that: what to have someactual chefsmake. He could cook well, the catch being that he could only cook the food stuff of Hell. He didn't know what effect Hellboar Cutlets or Wailing Tree Greens would have on a normal human body, but he wasn't looking to find out.

That'd just be his luck, wouldn't it? He finds a nice woman, takes her on a picnic, and then accidentally poisons her with Hell-food that turned her inside out or something.

He was going to have to take a human cooking class, wasn't he? He couldn't keep borrowing Razzle and Dazzle from his daughter every time he needed something, so it was either spend some of the gold he had on take-out or learn how to cook.

Why is dating so hard?Lucifer wondered before he caught sight of Blitz and his daughter being interviewed by the cops. He straightened his ascot and made his way over, taking note of the flinches and terror erupting from them. "Ah, if it isn't the dynamic duo!" He cried, hugging them close, "Thank goodness you two were there or else…well, I don't even want to think about what that wack-job would've done."

"Just, uh, doing what anyone else would do," Blitz said awkwardly, scratching at his burn scar and glancing away.

"But it wasn't just anyone else. It wasyou," He squeezed them tighter, "Thank you." He smiled and turned to the cop, "Do you think I could talk to them alone about repayment for this?"

The cop raised an eyebrow and looked Lucifer up and down, taking note of the incredibly fancy clothing he wore. "Of course sir," the cop said, "We're pretty much done with their statement anyway so feel free."

Once the cop left, Blitz and his unnamed daughter stammered excuses, "Look, your majesty, we didn't mean to-"

Lucifer hugged them tight, "Thank you…really, thank you."

The two paused, confusion overriding their panic, "Err, for what?"

"I couldn't have-I wouldn't…he went for her and I couldn't have stopped him in time," He smiled at the two of them, "I mean it, thank you."

Blitz awkwardly chuckled and patted the King of Hell on the back, "Don't, uh…don't mention it?"

Lucifer turned to the goth woman, who stiffened under his gaze, "That was a very impressive arm-bar, miss…?"

"L-Loona, sir," the now named Loona shuffled about, scratching the side of her face, "It was just, uh, something I did without thinking."

"And now I'm even more impressed, yes," Lucifer smiled, with Loona offering a shy smile back. It was a nice moment, one that would have ended nicely as well…

"So, uh, are we free to go?" And then Blitz opened his mouth and ruined it.

Lucifer blinked at the disguised imp and laughed heartily. "Good one!No, you still broke so many different laws I don't even know where to begin." Blitz and Loona tried to shrink into themselves as he listed the crimes off, "Coming to earthillegally, interfering with mortal livesillegally, operating a Goetia Grimoire for unintended purposesillega-"

"I stole it!" Blitz panicked, "I stole the book. Snuck into one of those bird assholes' big ass mansions and-"

"Let's add thievery to the list then," Lucifer smiled, but his mind was working overtime. They were assassins and seemed very good at their jobs, if the only reason he was even talking to them was by cosmic coincidence. A plan formed in his head that'd let him shut them down without bringing harm to the people that saved Camila.

"Let me be clear: Ishouldbring you before the Royal Convocation and have you both thrown in prison for the rest of your wretched lives," they both flinched, "However-" and then dared to look up at him, "I'm not going to do that." Now the surprised Blitz and Loona had a bit of hope in their eyes. "You saved Camila and for that I owe you a favor," Lucifer said, "And I've decided that favor is not throwing you to the wolves."

"Your assassin business though?" Lucifer frowned, "It no longer exists. As of tonight, it never existed. However, in its place, I think I'm going to allow you to form a new business: Bodyguard Service."

"We're not-" Blitz began before Loona elbowed him as hard as she could.

"We would be honored, sir," She replied with as much respect as possible.

Lucifer grinned, "You two are going to be working for me on a very special project as your first job…"


Charlie paced back and forth in the lobby of the Happy Hotel, her expression grim.

"He's been gone for too long, Vaggie! What if he got hurt? Or kidnapped? Or hurt andthenkidnapped? Or-" Charlie panicked, tugging at her blonde locks while Vaggie grabbed her by the shoulders and grounded her.

"Hun, chill. Dazzle's only been gone for a few hours," Vaggie comforted as she led her girlfriend to the nearest couch, "He can turn into a dragon. He'll be fine."

"But what if he isn't!?"

This'd been going on for a while now, ever since Charlie sent Dazzle out to spy on her father's date. Vaggie knew that Charlie was many things, most of them beautiful, but being an overprotective Parent/Big Sister to her living stuffed toys was unfortunately one of them. With each passing hour, she'd suddenly begin imagining the worst possible fates befalling Dazzle and freak out. Vaggie tried to calm Charlie down despite her own exhaustion. It was now early morning, and she wanted to drag her love to bed and just sleep for a whole day.

But she couldn't. Shewouldn't. Not until Dazzle came back.

"What if he's lost and alone?" Charlie was now worriedly chewing on her hair, pacing back and forth, "Oh, I never should have sent him up there!I'm a terrible-"


Vaggie sunk deep into the couch in relieved exhaustion while Charlie flung herself at the adorable butler-goat as he marched in proudly in his ghillie suit. She hugged him tight in the air as the butler-goat made the most adorable squeaking sound either of them had ever heard in existence.

"Oh, Dazzle! You're okay!" She skipped over to the couch Vaggie was slowly fading into unconsciousness on. "Vaggie, he came back!"

"Told you…" She muttered as she forced herself up and moved towards her girlfriend. "Now can wepleasego to be-"

"Not yet!" Charlie placed Dazzle down on the ground. "Sir Dazzle, what news do you have to report on my father's date?" She asked with an imperious expression, kneeling in front of the tiny butler goat like the princess she was.

"Baa," Dazzle brought out a notebook, opened it up, and thrusted it out proudly, "Baa!"

Charlie blinked as Vaggie tried her best not to laugh.

It was just…childish scribbling didn't even begin to describe what the page looked like. The word'Baa.'was written in shaky chicken scratch all around the edges, a messy circle with two stick figures on its sides at the center. One of the figures had curly hair and a red triangle over their body while the other had horns. Next to them was a purple blob that'd been scribbled furiously into the page, a pair of jagged green coloring denoting angry eyes and a fanged mouth.

"Baa!" Dazzle proudly flipped the book to show another page filled with the word'Baa.'and more childish scribblings of a long purple tube with a green frowny face. He flipped the page again and the entire thing was just the word'Baa'written repeatedly. When done, Dazzle looked up at his Big Sister with adorable eyes and a happy smile. Charlie, for her part, groaned and slumped to the ground.

Vaggie, having lost the fight, giggled at her girlfriend, "Charlie?"

"Yes, Vaggie?"

"You forgot Dazzle doesn't understand languages, didn't you?"

"Yes, Vaggie…" Before Charlie could lament her failure to learn anything about the mysterious 'Camila,' there was a knock at the door.

Charlie and Vaggie blinked at one another and shrugged. The latter summoned her spear as Charlie made her way to the front, opening the door to find a black clad imp with a burn on the right side of his face standing next to a goth hellhound. The imp was reading from a paper, looking up at her while opening and closing his mouth a few times. Finally, he crumpled up the paper and tossed it over his shoulder, causing the hellhound to facepalm.

"We're here to apply for a job!" the imp said, planting his fists on his hips and giving a megawatt smile.

Charlie brought her hands to her cheeks and squeed.


I'm sure that lucifer casually entering his true form and using magic wont have any consequences whatsoever

Next Chapter: Meanwhile, on the Boiling Isles...

Chapter 11: Back on the Isles


Amity Blight comes back from an epic adventure just in time for Luz to come back from her own.


Back on a regular schedule babee!

Stress is the perfect motivator and i have never felt happier about that!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

In the woods surrounding Gravesfield, there was an old cabin.

Once, this cabin was run down and dilapidated, crumbling apart and falling to pieces as the owners had long since abandoned Gravesfield many, many long years ago. The cabin was the source of many urban legends throughout town: The Goatman lived there, a witch and her hellhound puppy lived there, a great and terrible owl-like beast nested there, a portal to Hell was there… the teens of Gravesfield High would regularly dare one another to try and spend the night in that old and ruined cabin in the woods.

Now, however, the cabin had been bought by the Noceda’s. The cabin had been refurbished by the combined efforts of Camila, Luz, and her friends: the rotting wood had been replaced, the shattered floors had been redone, the collapsing roof had been retiled. Now, the cabin looked like it was just another house like any other.

Why, exactly, the Noceda family had bought up the very rundown shack was a secret between them and the parallel dimension nestled past the front door.

The legends about the shack, you see, were completely true: It was a portal to a place known only as the Boiling Isles. A vast and endless ocean of boiling hot water spread out for miles in every direction as colossal entities lay decomposing atop the water like continents of bone. and from these titanic corpses sprang life. One such titan, the most complete skeleton of their kind, was the center of the kingdom that gave the Boiling Isles their name.

Magical plants and animals, magical weather, magical… everything. The Boiling Isles was a land where magic was as common as could be. Said magic was widely and commonly used by the twin races known as Witches and Demons, who had evolved from the blood and flesh of the fallen Titan. So many weird and wonderful forms of life grew out of the fallen Titan, aptly named ‘The Titan’, that it was believed amongst the citizens of the Isles that every myth and legend the Human Realm had was a result of something from the Isles coming over and getting extremely lost.

Red grass spread like water across the landscape while dark trees rose up like towers, beasts buzzed, slithered, walked, crawled, and flew through the air. All under the watchful gaze of the truly gargantuan skull that even now gave comfort and solace to many… despite being the sight of a near genocide.

Cities and towns dotted the grassy, earthen landscape of the fallen Titan, towns that even now had the scars of Belos’ regime and his final, crazed act of defiance against the inevitable end approaching him. The largest sign of his old rule was the colossal arm that even now reached towards the stars far above.

But it was felt by all: People with old coven sigils branded into their wrists, the statue garden outside the hospitals that tried desperately to reverse the petrification process, and the massive former citadel of the Collector laying on the Titan’s skull like a crown.

But his rule was done, the emperor was dead, and the Isles were finally free.

Wild Magic, once the bane of the common folks existence and the boogeyman of their wild imaginations now ran wild throughout the Isles just as it had for millennia before Belos. Students of the magical schools mixed magic just as they pleased while the people rediscovered what had been taken from them by the coven sigils: Abomination witches experimented with construction magic while Oracles mixed magic with Illusionists.

It was a time of freedom, rediscovered after its long absence.

Deep in the chest cavity of the Titan was a colossal tree. The tree was the last gift of The Titan before his spirit moved on: growing out of, and firmly destroying, the old castle of Emperor Belos the once tyrannical dictator of the Isles. Its roots spread deep within the earthen remains of the Titan while its colorful leaves spread out like a fan over a collection of Halls and Dormitories.

What was once the dark heart of a tyrant’s empire was now the premiere capital of wild magic itself.

The Boiling Isles University of Wild Magic was a very new entity: having only been completed two years ago once the last of the rebuilding was done. Stairways and rope bridges connected the halls and buildings of the university as the entire campus wrapped around the trunk and branches of the massive tree as wild and free as the people of the Isles now were.

Amity Blight, part time employee of the Boiling Isles Natural History Museum and reluctant part time CEO of the Blight Industries Corporate Empire following Odalia’s (she refused to call the woman mom) arrest couldn't be happier with the way life was currently going.

The lavender haired witch steered her abomination zeppelin towards the college and marveled at just how big a change it was from the old Castle: The castle had been all gold lining and white marble with smoke billowing from pipes and furnaces as it cast an oppressive glow down upon the masses from the safety of the bramble moat, and the collage was warm wood and open spaces that tied into the nature around it rather than attempt to destroy and replace it like Belos had done.

The abomination blimp was a marvel of magical engineering if she did say so herself, and handy for getting up to the higher reaches of The Arm without having to climb nowadays: Abomination goo formed a lightweight magical balloon that carried a brass carriage she had outfitted to resemble a great cat. She even gave it paws for landing gear and an adorable Cat-bomination head for both a prow and a handy set of headlights.

Amity designed it as her personal vehicle nowadays as she traveled from fallen Titan to fallen Titan while avoiding attacks from the Titan Trapper Army or Graverobbers plundering lost civilizations older than the Dreadwardian Era, however since taking over after Odalia she’d been pressured to present new products and items now that she had personally shut down all the shady dealings and weapons manufacturing under the old CEO.

So maybe she would allow the board to manufacture the Cat-bomination blimp into a new line of personal transportation for the masses. Alongside Abomination-Umbrella’s (the current hot new item that was selling like crazy due to the Boiling Rain)

As she maneuvered the blimp into a landing, the young woman hopped over the side and landed in what her wonderful Batata had once called a ‘Superhero Landing’ pose. Personally, Amity found it rather silly but Luz had gone all starry eyed at the sight so she made sure to do it as much as possible.

She landed on the wooden landing platform, startling a group of lower Knee Owls into flight as she stood up in her work uniform. Abomination goo, when hardened, could make for wonderful fabric and she had made a simple pair of loose pants over knee high boots that led into a rather snazzy looking black coat that was only slightly stained from using her abominations in constant fights.

Still, landing was hard on the knees and the spine so she cracked her back sufficiently and sighed deeply, taking in the sights and sounds of University: the sound of countless Palismen chittering with one another, lectures and lessons before eager students, wind rustling through the leaves and sending countless windchimes to ringing out in a chorus of beautiful music that made Amity smile just hearing it.

The university was more a home to her now than her actual home had ever been.

She winced. Okay, that wasn't fair: her dad was trying. It didn't make up for the years of following Odalia in lock-step but after everything he actually was trying to be better. She had gotten to a place where she was happy to see him, and happy to have him in her life.

Even if there were times that she wished Alador had been this way growing up.

Which reminded her… She got out her scroll and began typing.

‘I’m back on the Isles, dad.’

She planned to put her scroll away for later but was surprised by how fast he responded, a text bubble already appearing.

‘That’s great. I'm actually holding a little dinner tonight with your siblings, would you care to join?’

‘I’d love to, I'll see if Luz can join in.’

She smiled, walking underneath rope bridges filled with students and animals as the University went about its daily life. Talking with her dad… It was nice after so long apart. She let her feet take her wherever as she waited for her dad to respond.

‘Speaking of Luz, have you asked her yet?’

‘I literally only just learned about the dinner, how could I have asked her?’

‘Not that, about You Know What.’

She felt her brow furrow in confusion at the response. ‘You Know What?’, no she didnt. She was planning on talking to Luz later when they meet up again after classes but other than asking her to a family dinner the only other thing she was planning on asking her was-


Oh sh*t!

Amity felt her face go nuclear as she almost dropped her scroll, pure embarrassment running through her. Her dad knew? How in the Titan’s name did her dad know?

‘How do you know that?????’

‘Amity, if you ply Eda with enough Appleblood she’ll basically become the chattiest witch in the Isles. Literally all I did was give her a glass during a meeting and she basically shouted it from the rooftops.’

She sighed deeply, her shoulders sagging. She… probably should have seen this coming if she were honest. Eda Clawthorne was many things: Most powerful witch on the Isles, one of the saviors of Witch and Demonkind, mentor to her wonderful Batata, and the adopted mother to a god.

She was not, however, reliable when it came to giant secrets like this. Especially ones concerning Luz.

‘How many people know?’

She practically ripped the scroll in half when she read the response.

‘I think the only person who doesn't know what you're planning is Luz herself, if i'm honest.’

Okay, that was going to be a problem. If Luz learned before she could go through with it… well, it wouldn't be the end of the world (she’d been there, done that, and had the trauma to prove it) but it would basically ruin every last plan she was cooking up in her mind.

Titan, but finding out what to do was hard.

Underneath the Grom Tree? Currently shifting out of winter mode so the leaves aren't quite there yet. Owl House? Possible, but it would be too risky to prepare anything without Luz finding out before it was done. Hexside? Perhaps, but it would have to be at a time when no students were there and could ruin anything.

And when to do it was just as hard a question. After the college term was done? That would make sense but it wasn’t going to happen for a while yet. Luz’s Twenty First Birthday? That was even longer away and wouldn't happen till October. Grom Night? Now that Grometheus was stuck in a tree there aren't anymore Grom Nights.

And now she reached the eternal impasse: what to even do? Odalia had planned out to the letter what would happen if this day ever came to pass but Amity had personally thrown all those binders into a bonfire since the idea of having a relationship like her dad and Odalia made her want to vomit.

‘I’m… planning on it. I don't know what to do.’

‘I’d help but my own relationship was, well, with Odalia.’

And the thought of trying to follow in her parent’s footsteps sent a shiver of disgust down her spine. She loved her dad, she really did, but Odalia could go choke.

Asking dad wouldn't help, but the thought that his first instinct eqs to try and help her did make her happy. Alador may not be perfect, but he wastrying and what more could you ask for in an imperfect father

‘I’ll figure something out, but thanks anyway dad.’

She paused, smiling as she typed out one last thing.

‘Love you, dad.’

There was silence on the other end of the line before a simple response came back.

‘Love you too, Mittens.’

She smiled, her dad was trying, and that would be enough.

She put the scroll back into her pocket and ran a hand through her thick pink locks. Life wwas good, and it looked to be even better when she finally womaned up and asked Luz to dress up and travel with her as more than just girlfriends.

Of course, that required finding her first. Not that she planned to do it today on a random Monday but her Batata Levels were depleted and she needed a concentration of vitamin Luz.

The University was truly beautiful from within the halls itself. He feet took her over rope bridges and open forums as she listened to countless classes. Eda had chosen her staff well: everyone who was employed here had a true and deep passion for their craft and wanted to share it with as many witches as possible.

She had thought about going here after Hexside but ultimately decided against it in the end. With her future now ultimately up to her to decide she had chosen instead the path of an adventurer.

Lilith, ever dependable Lilith who was becoming more like the mom she always wanted by the day, had happily and eagerly given her a high paying job going out into the wider world and discovering amazing artifacts and secrets. Amity had been a bit hesitant to accept, being away from everyone for so long would be painful, but luckily Luz and her friends would often take 'academic trips' where they would join her on her adventures.

Amity had a taste for adventure now, and she wouldn't give it up for anything. Life, she decided, was certainly great.

“Amity! You’re back!”

And it just got better. The lavender haired witch smiled brightly and ran up to hug the green haired and quite buff witch in forest green gym shorts and a blazing orange and yellow jacket over a white shirt. Willow Park, childhood best friend turned bullying victim turned friend again hugged Amity tightly enough to lift her off the ground and twirl her. Amity tried not to wince as she felt her bones start contracting, Willow was strong.

Willow smiled at her and Amity smiled back even as the rest of the Hexsquad ambled up: Gus Porter, dark skinned president of the Human Realm/Demon Realm Exchange Program had somehow grown another few inches and was now taller than her. His simple yellow coat jacket over a brown vest and dark slacks made him look professional, which was the vibe the Illusion Professor’s assistant was going for.

Hunter, the last witch of the Hexsquad, was in simple gray clothing as he stood beside Willow and smiled watching his girlfriend hug the life out of her. He’d forgone his apron for a simple jacket as the heavily scarred Grimwalker smiled, scars wrinkling across his face.

“Good to see you again Amity!” Gus said, slinging an arm around her shoulder as soon as Willow put her down. The dark skinned witch laughed as he rubbed the back of his head. “Guess I owe Hunter some snails.”

Amity blinked. “Why would you-”

“I bet Gus that Luz wouldn't get back before you did so I technically won since Luz is hanging with her mom.” Hunter scratched at his chin. “I mean, when Eda caved and gave Luz an entire week to spend with her you should have conceded then and there, Gus.”

“How was I supposed to know Eda would cave?”

“Because Eda loves Luz as much as she does King and would do anything for her.” Amity frowned, crossed her arms, and grumbled. “Even reveal stuff she totally shouldn't have.”

“Speaking of…”

Oh, oh no. Amity thought to herself as she looked up and found the Hexsquad staring at her impishly, sly smiles on their faces. Willow chuckled at her. “You gonna make me the Maid of Honor?”

She groaned in pure despair. “Did she tell everyone?”

“Yep.” They all said. Amity swore she would never again ask the Owl Lady for anything!

“Oh hey, Boots!” The voice of her current arch-nemesis called out. “You’re back just in time!”

Eda had aged gracefully, she was always aging gracefully since the Owl Curse sapped the vitality from her looks early but now that she was no longer fighting the curse tooth and nail and had entered some sort of… alliance with it, the physical aging had slowed back down to normal. Her long and bushy white hair was tied back into an impressive ponytail held back with several brass braids while her mechanical-arm (that she and dad had provided free of charge) ended in the golden hook she so loved despite it being impractical to the extreme.

Her red robes were shined to a fault and free of the clutter that usually followed the Owl Lady like a cloak, though she was willing to bet she had countless items stored in her incredibly bushy hair.

Eda would always be high in her esteem for all that she had done… but right now Amity was slightly mad.

“You told everyone!?” She yelled out, causing several classes to turn from their open forums and watch the drama unfold. Eda winced and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

“Okay… yes, I did. But-” She held up her hand and hook in defense as Amity snorted angrily. “In my defense I got a bit carried away celebrating.”

“But you don't even know if Luz will say yes yet!” Amity shouted, to which every person listening from both her friends, Eda herself, and the eavesdropping students just gave her incredibly unimpressed looks.

“Yeah, no.” Eda just chuckled. “She’s gonna say yes.”

“But what if-?”

“Amity.” Willow came around, placed her hands on her shoulders, and smiled at her. “She’s gonna say yes.”


“Amity?” Willow looked her in the eyes, a stern expression on her face. “Do you love her?”

She paused, swallowed, and nodded.

“And do you know that she loves you?”

She nodded

Willow, sweet and honest Willow who had graciously decided to forgive her her many, many mistakes and whom was now as close to her as when they were kids just smiled at her. "Then you know deep down she'll say yes."

Amity smiled, the comfort filling her up and dispelling all doubts. Willow was a good friend. She had always been there for her… even when Amity didn't deserve it

She didn't deserve a friend like Willow.

After everything, after every insult she’d thrown and abuse she’d hurled… she didn't deserve this wonderful witch as her friend. And yet a friend she had in her. Amity did not cry, she simply hugged the plant prodigy closely so nobody could see the tears coming to the corners of her eyes.

‘You don't deserve this.’ An insidious part of her whispered, something that had always been there and would always be there. ‘You will never deserve this.’

Yeah, well, shut up.’ She told her own mind as she leaned back and schooled her features so as not to give off her true feelings right now. If the gentle smile on Willow’s face was anything she didn't do a very good job of it but that was okay, they were okay.

She blinked, wasn't she supposed to be mad about something?

“Ah, I remember how terrified I was about asking Raine.” Eda mused, resting her hook on her chin as she stared into the distance. “The flower field I wanted to do it in kinda fell into the Boiling Sea alongside most of the stuff on the Upper Arm so we had to improvise…”

Oh, right. She was supposed to be angry about Eda blabbering to literally everyone about her plans. “I cannot believe you would do this!” Amity said, stomping up to her angrily as her brow furrowed. “I thought you were going to help me, not blabber-”

“Relax, Boots.” Eda waved her hook lazily and rummaged around in her pocket for something with her good hand. “Did exactly what you asked me to and got it done extra nice.” She pulled her hand out where a small blue velvet box rested in her hand, an impish smirk on her face. “So if you don't want it-”

Amity didn't even give her time to finish her thoughts, rushing forward and grabbing ahold of the small box before rapidly stuffing it down a pocket. “Yesthankyouallisforgiven.” Her words slurred together with how fast they tumbled out, causing laughter amongst her friends as she furiously stepped back.


She expected many things from Eda the Owl Lady when she looked up at her again: a crooked smile, mirth in her eyes and a laugh on her lips, an expression of amusem*nt… she wasn't prepared for the soft and almost motherly expression on her face. “She’ll love it, she really will.” she said gently, reaching out to ruffle her hair affectionately.

Amity swallowed and nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, when a figure flew through the trees at a rapid pace.

A very familiar palisman staff held a very familiar Human and that sent her heart a flutter as Luz, her wonderful girlfriend and Savior of the Boiling Isles, tried to hop off of Stringbean only to fall flat on her face. She then scrambled upright and leaned on the flying staff with a grin.

“Meant to do that.” Luz said with a finger gun as the Hexsquad rushed their friend. Amity barely took notice of how Vee and Masha were also on Stringbean, who shifted into her base form and curled around Luz’s arm like a bracelet.

Amity would be amazed that Vee, the basilisk who had sworn never to set foot on the Boiling Isles ever again, was now proudly walking along the University without fear at all later when she wasn't currently staring at her wonderful girlfriend.

Hunter caught her in a headlock while Gus hugged her tight before Willow captured them all in a group hug and there the Hexsquad remained for just a moment. All except for Amity who remained frozen with the sheer weight of the ring in her pocket weighing her down and rooting her to the spot.

The fact that they saw each other just a week ago was a small fact that was safely ignored.

“Luz! You bring me anything good from the human world?” Gus asked from the group hug while the others dispersed. “I’m running out of cool things from our summer stay and i could use more material for the Exchange Program so-”

“Gus, she just got back.” Willow chided as she rested a hand on Luz’s shoulder. “You can ask her for presents after someone comes up and says Hi like a normal witch.” Willow then, to Amity’s horror, shoved Luz forward till the two of them were inches apart.

“Sweet Potato!” Luz cried out happily as she caught her in a deep hug and planted a kiss on her cheek. “I missed you sooo much!”

Amity, steadfastly ignoring the waggling eyebrows of Willow and the rest of the Hexsquad, hugged her girlfriend tight. Thoughts about her newest mission tried to make themselves known but she shoved them down, not wanting to blurt out the question here and now like an idiot.

“I missed you too, Batata.”

The two girlfriends hugged one another as if they had been separated for years rather than mere days.

Eda, a pleased smile on her face, came over and ruffled Luz’s hair affectionately. “Hey kiddo, how was your other mom?”

Luz froze, and then broke free and rushed over to Vee and Masha, bringing the pair into the center and looking… strangely determined.

“Guys, something amazing has happened… or something potentially serious, we don't know yet.” Luz explained as Vee nodded along and Masha just stared at the massive tree in wondrous amazement.

This is where you go to college, Luz?” Masha asked, amazed with their voice almost reverent. “Holy sh*t, did I pick the wrong place.”

“You can be sufficiently amazed by the University afterwards.” Vee said seriously before turning to the rest of the Hexsquad. “Alright gang, this is serious because-”

“Mom,” Luz said with sufficient drama in her voice. “Is dating again.”

The listening witches just blinked.

“Ha, good for Cam!” Eda called out happily. The rest of the Hexsquad reacted similarly as well, Willow and Hunter looking at one another happily while Gus just nodded happily.

Amity would have respond as well but she was staring at Luz and Vee, who were looking at one another worriedly. The sense of joy died down a bit as the two sisters seemed to have an entire conversation without words.

“It’s fine,” Luz said before frowning. “If he’s as harmless as he appears to be.”

“Which he might not be.” Vee said. “I don't know what he is, but he’s not what he seems.”

Amity was not the only one remembering Luz kind mother who gladly took them all in after the Collector forced them out of the Isles with potentially no way back, ever. She had fed them, care for them, helped them get over their trauma of almost seeing Belos destroy all the Isles…

“Tell us everything.” Hunter said, the former child soldier sounded dangerous as he frowned down at the ground.

“Yeah, not right now.”

The entire Hexsquad blinked and then looked at Eda, who was pinching the bridge of her nose in mild annoyance. “I still can’t believe I say this regularly, but I'm going to be the responsible one here: Your mom can handle herself fine for a few hours while you go to class.”

“I literally just got back, Eda.” Luz explained as she threw up her hands in exasperation.

“And you were supposed to be back yesterday, you know, the end of the weekend.” Eda stared her down. “Now it’s Monday and I can only hold off your instructors for so long before they start calling me out for blatant favoritism.”

“But… you do show blatant favoritism?” Gus said, confused.

“Yeah, because Luz is Luz.” She explained, to which the aforementioned human witch preened. “The rest of you get one free pass and that's about it.”

“But what if he-?” Vee began only to be cut off by the Owl Lady.

“Vee, you and Masha are welcome to fill me in on the nitty gritty but as for the rest of you, I'm still the Headmaster and have to be all responsible and sh*t, so go back to class and then plot whatever plan you will cook up regardless of what I tell you.” Eda sighed deeply and mumbled “If child-me could see me now…

“Question?” Amity said, resisting the ingrained urge to raise her hand. Eda just chuckled.

“Boots, you're not a student here. You can go where you please.” Eda gave her a sly smile. “Like Bardic Studies, for example.”

Hunter, who shared Bardic Studies with the two of them groaned in despair. Bardic Studies, amongst the students of the University, was also known as the “Lumity Power Hour.”

Everyone else just called it “Luz and Amity try to one up each other in cheesy romance songs before a captive audience.

“Alright.” Luz clenched a fist, determination set in. “First, we learn. And then…”

“We plan.”


I know Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss are musicals (HB far less so, though) but im still not that comfy putting actual songs that people wrote in here... also, i cant come up with my own.

That's okay though, because next chappie i get the excuse to write in a thematically appropriate song that also has lore connotations.

Next Chapter: The Lumity Power Hour Begins, and then the Hexsquad schemes...

Chapter 12: The Lumity Power Hour


Bardic Studies is taken over by God's favorite couple, and then the Hexsquad begin to scheme


So this might be half an hour late and I'm sorry about that. I had to quickly finish it while at my latest unpaid job, so it is what it is.

Anywho, I'd like to just say that i do read all of your comments and they make me smile. I enjoy the feedback, the praise, the ideas, and even this once Omake someone wrote in a comment a few chapters ago.

You all rock so much and i love you all.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Bardic Studies, like many other classes in the University of Wild Magic, was open to all and as wild as Magic was.

Eda had implemented many rules and structures into the University to ensure that the restrictive and smothering nature of her own academic life would never again crush anyone else like it had her. There had been some who had rebelled against the idea of having the very first Wild Magic Institution be a place of academic anarchy, but Eda made her case well. And thus, the University was unlike any other.

Eda and the teachers had basically plundered the vaults of gold and treasure beneath Belos castle that he’d taken from Wild Witches and the Boiling Isles themselves over the decades so even after giving most of it away to help rebuild, tuition was a foreign concept and would be for many years to come.

There was no shortage of students as most people wanted to learn at the feet of the famous Owl Lady. She had personally selected the teachers who would bring their expertise to the next generation and craft a new Wild Age of Magic.

Bardic Studies was one such example.

Katya Katra, once member of the Bards Against The Throne who joined the Covens Against The Throne as well as one of the apprentices of the legendary Raine Whispers themselves, had basically begged to join the college to help spread the joys of bardic magic to anyone willing to listen. She had an energy about her that was infectious, so utterly happy to teach advanced bardic theory and practice to all who joined her classes.

Though currently she was standing with an awkward smile on her face as she watched the Lumity Power Hour.

“... and I just- I don't know who I would be without you.” Luz said, holding Amity’s hands as she spoke. The young woman was clad in her official uniform, which was basically the Hexside uniform with an added hood and poofier sleeves, and though the only sign of what magical field you were planning on majoring in was the hood itself Luz had taken it upon herself to paint her entire uniform in every color of magic available as an homage to her hexside uniform.

Amity, still in her explorer’s outfit, just smiled lovingly at her girlfriend. “You would be an amazing bonfire of a person, Luz. You’d shine your light for all to see. I don't know who I would be without you.”

“Amity…” Luz breathed happily.


“None of this is Bardic Magic, you know.” Katya said, just staring at the two of them. She had long since given up trying to stop the flirting between the two of them but still made token efforts. “So not to try and put a damper on things, but-”

“Then let me rectify that.” Amity twirled her hand in the air, a deep red spell circle appearing as soft lights began to fall around the couple. Luz gasped at the sight.

Amity smiled warmly at her, and then she began to sing. “You have always done so much…”

She spread her arms out wide as she sang, her voice carrying over the class. “So many lives you’ve saved. So many souls you’ve touched.”

Luz had small tears in her eyes, a smile as bright as the sun on her face as they both began to move closer to one another while Amity sang. “And in the end, if it’s only me who hears-”

As if by some hidden signal, Luz opened her mouth to sing as well. The two women entered into a duet that swept over everyone listening. “There’s something that I've been wanting to say for years.” The two finally stood in front of one another as they looked into each other's eyes.

Slowly they began to twirl around, their feet drawing a red circle of Bardic magic that lifted them into the air as if they were stepping on clouds. With the sparkles still falling around them, it truly seemed like they were in their own little world.

“More than anything.” Amity sang, reaching over to cup Luz’s face gently. Luz softly pressed her cheek against it with a smile.

“More than anything.” Luz rang out, pressing her forehead against Amity’s as they held each other close.

“Need you to know I love you more than anything!” The two rang out as loud and proud as they could, their voices reaching a harmonious melody.

The two finally stared at one another softly and simply said. “More than anything…” and ended their duet with a kiss.

Hunter Noceda-Deamonne would have been happy for them if this wasn't the third song they’ve gone through by now… and if this wasn't the millionth time they used Bardic Studies to essentially flirt with one another. Hunter was happy for his adopted sister but by the Titan it had gotten very old very fast.

Hunter seemed to be the only one over the Lumity Power Hour however, as the class broke out into gracious applause and cheering. He would admit, it was a good song and he wondered if he should try singing it to Willow later.

He then dismissed that because copying Luz would cause endless teasing from the duo and that would be a fate worse than death. Titan, he was going to have to come up with his own song for her, wasn't he?

Luz and Amity broke apart and took a bow, both of them still holding hands as they did so.

Hunter started to clap sarcastically before Waffles, his bluebird palisman, tugged on his hair and got him to stop. If the impish smirk Luz sent him was anything to go by, she had noticed and enjoyed his suffering.

A buzz sounded off from his pocket and he got out his scroll to notice Willow had sent him a message.

‘How long did it take them this time?’

He found himself smiling shyly as he typed out his response.

‘About five minutes.’


He put the scroll away just in time to hear Katya praising the duo. “... wonderful display of beauty, and good use of spellcraft with the visuals.” Katya’s smile thinned a bit as she clapped her hands and looked at the two of them. “Now please, for the love of the Titan, let me teach my class uninterrupted for once.”

“It’s not my fault that Amity is the best girlfriend anyone could ask for!” Luz said, placing her hand atop Amity’s shoulder as she made her grand proclamation. The lavender haired witch smiled and hugged Luz in response. I can’t help but want to share it with the world!”

Small groans echoed out from the class. Luz and Amity were, without fail, the single cheesiest pair of girlfriends in all of existence to everyone’s exasperation at their antics.

“I mean, I was going to talk about the actual history of Bard Magic, but since you two want to keep singing to one another-”

“Wasn't bardic History covered back during Hexside?” Luz asked to which Katya actually became more energetic.

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But what was covered back then was the ‘official’ history of Magic underneath Belos- the actual history of things was destroyed and rewritten to fit his anti Wild Magic agenda.” Katya was now pacing back and forth, Luz going to sit down at her seat and taking Amity with her as the class eagerly wrote down what Katya was saying.

“It’s not just Bard Magic- every single magical art has a deep and rich history he tried to destroy and alter to make us hate our past selves and worship him as the savior of Witch and Demonkind.” Katya ripped out a piece of chalk and was now furiously writing down on a blackboard various snippets of history. “The Dreadwardian Era, the Brass Era, the Five Kingdoms Era… how much of our story has been lost because of him?”

She twirled around, her fangs glinting in the torchlight as she stared at them all. “I’m happy to announce before you all that we actually have some unaltered history to teach as of right now!”

“Thanks in part to the efforts of the Supernatural Museum of History and its curator, Lilith Clawthorne, we have been able to recreate some of the lost documents and history destroyed by the Emperor’s Coven.” Katya clapped her hands and did an illusion spell that created an image of wild witches from the Wild Ages, formerly known as the Savage Ages under Belos, dancing and singing beneath the gaze of the Titans Skull.

“Bardic Magic is one of the oldest forms of magic itself- even predating Abomination and Oracle magic. It is only predated by Construction and Illusion magic which formed the foundations of the earliest civilizations on the Isles.” Her voice captivated the audience as she spoke, her eyes dancing in the light. “We thought that the first forms of Bard Magic came from instruments, but new evidence suggests otherwise.”

“Our very own Amity Blight-” Amity gave a small wave and cheery smile as everyone turned to her while Katya spoke. “-Actually managed to come back with old stone tablets recovered from the Boiling Sea by the movement of The Arm and what these tablets have to say is fascinating.”

Katya twirled her hand and the image changed to that of two groups of witches and demons, one of them with musical instruments and the other without, engaging in diplomacy as they spoke to one another.

“From what we understand, the first instances of Bardic Magic were actually introduced to the Boiling Isles, rather than existing already. Witches and Demons learned from a teacher who came from another Titan that this teacher called ‘Hela.’” Katya spoke clearly and happily as the image she conjured changed to an image of the Titan lying alongside another colossal skeleton in the Boiling Ocean.

“Though all records of where Hela is have been lost, we have managed to uncover even this small part of history as one of the very earliest records of our civilization- dating back even farther than the development of bronze tools! The name ‘Amdusias’ keeps popping up…” Katya continued on as the class listened enraptured to her words.

Well,’ He thought to himself as he watched the illusions of lost history. ‘At least the Lumity Power Hour seems to have ended.’

As if sensing his thoughts, Luz turned back to him and smiled evilly as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. She then turned to her girlfriend and practically fell all over her. “Sweet Potato, your voice was sooo pretty!”

Amity seemed to have gotten the message as she rested her head atop Luz’s. “Your voice was prettier, Batata.”

Your voice was prettier.”

“No, your voice was prettier.”

Oh dear Titan, end me.’ Hunter thought to himself as he pulled at his hair in frustration while the two lovebirds in front of him continued to pile on the compliments to each other.


Thankfully, mercifully, the Lumity Power Hour that was Bardic Studies was the last class of the day.

As Luz and Amity walked in front of him, talking at length about everything and nothing at the same time, Hunter found himself just sort of thinking about things.

Once, he had been the Emperor’s right hand. He’d been the head of the Emperors’ Coven and Enforcer of his will upon the Isles. He’d been raised practically from birth- no, from creation, things like him weren't born but made. He’d been crafted perfectly to do his duty and be the best version of a long dead man he could be even without knowing it.

Any deviance was met with the back end of a blade, any failure met with cruel punishment. He was beaten like an animal just for failing to meet a set of impossible standards more days than most and it made him… it made him cruel.

He fell into his tasks with wild abandon, not noticing the effect it had on the people of the Isles and in the case of Luz and the Owl Lady: not caring. He’d fed countless palisman to the Emperor and only after meeting Flapjack did he realize just how utterly f*cked up his life was.

And now, after so long and so many atrocities, he was carving palisman for a living and helping his mentor Dell teach others the fine art of palisman carving.

Where once his hands gripped his techno-staff tightly as he fought and oppressed wild witches, now his hands held a carver's tools and helped bring some semblance of life back into the Isles after so long spent feeding the Emperor’s curse. Where once he had nothing outside of his duty, now he had trouble juggling his day-to-day life with all the activities he had filled it with: Palisman carving, flyer derby, university life, his relationship with Willow...

Where once he had nothing but Belos and the Coven, now he had everything.

The leaves above reflected the setting sun as they shone their light down upon the University, many different students rushing back to dormitories or going off to head on home if they lived close enough. Dancing torchlight shone out from many different alcoves around the tree as afternoon turned to evening around the trio.

Hunter simply kept his hands in his pockets, walking with the relaxed pace he had had to train himself to use (having battle reflexes and a soldier's instincts drilled into you from early childhood did not do any favors towards being normal.) as he wandered behind the chatting witches.

In all honesty, he didn't mind the Lumity Power Hour. After everything Luz and Amity had been through and done, they honestly deserved to act as cheesy and sappy as they pleased, even with a captive audience. His sister in all but blood deserved to be happy however she pleased after everything.

He was never going to say that, however, since he had a reputation to maintain and didn't want to give Luz any more teasing ammunition.

The trio wandered their way to the base of the tree where the last remnants of the old castle lay crumbling beneath the roots of the University. It was a stretch of wall that, miraculously, escaped Belos’ last act and now served as the hangout spot for the Hexsquad. White marble brick was tangled up in roots that seemed to nestle it in its boroughs to keep the room steady.

Inside the wall, there had been a simple room with spartan decorations and a simple bed that hadn’t been used in many years. A few stuffed toys lined the bed while fading newspaper clippings rotted away alongside a cork board full of knicknacks and Emperor’s Coven posters. It was, to put it bluntly, a very depressing room.

It was also his old room when he still served the Coven.

How exactly it had survived Belos turning into a pseudo-titan and the collapse of the castle following his defeat was a mystery for the ages, and not one he was keen on learning the truth of. The Hexsquad had made attempts to make the room far less depressing by adding light strings along the ceiling, posters from the human world along the walls, and pictures of their various hang-outs and adventures to the cork board. Gus had even brought in bean bag chairs for them all to sit in.

The room now served as a sort of hub for them all, allowing them to get away from the day to day by entering the solitude of the room or hanging out with friends here. Many movie nights and adventures were plotted out here over the years as the Hexsquad graduated from Hexside and entered the adult world.

It was here that he and Willow finally confessed to one another, here where they plotted their first adventure to another Titan, here where he had carved Waffles in honor of Flapjack, and here where Luz and Amity often escaped to make out with nobody watching.

The trio entered to find Willow and Gus waiting for them, Willow reclining on the bed while Gus checked his Penstagram page. Masha and Vee were sat in a bean bag as Masha was filled in on the specifics of the University as they groaned in despair over going to whatever a ‘community college’ was instead of here.

“Alright gang, Operation Stealthy Cupid revealed some interesting things.” Luz clapped her hands together as everyone jumped slightly and looked at her. He took the time to sit next to Willow and just sort of rest his head against her shoulder as she smiled at him.

“Sorry, hold on. What's Operation Stealthy Cupid?” Gus asked, putting his scroll away in his pocket as he looked at her confused.

“Masha, Vee, and I followed mom on her date to make sure he wasn't a creep or anything.” Luz explained, forming a few glyph combos to make an illusion of a dartboard with various clues and items strung together. “It was illuminating.”

“I’d just like to say I joined Stealthy Cupid under protest.” Masha said simply, crossing their arms defiantly.

“I didn't.” Vee said helpfully.

“Anyway,” Luz continued past them, clapping her hands together once more. “It's time we talked about Lucius Magne.”

Silence fell across the room.

“Who?” He asked.

“Camila’s date in the human realm- were you not listening to us on the way over here?” Amity asked, offended.

Hunter opened his mouth, paused, and then smirked. “Nope.” He chirped even as an abomination thread pillow impacted him across the face. ‘Worth it.’ he thought to himself.

“Luz and I talked about it for five minutes!” she yelled at him.

“I assumed you were still doing the Lumity Power Hour so I just sort of tuned you out.” He shot back and took delight in their blushing embarrassment.

The pillow swatted him again, his girlfriend Willow sending a small glare at him as she held it. “Don't be mean.” She said simply to which he held up his hands and nodded.

“Anyway,” Luz stressed. “For those of you who don't know, Lucius Magne is mom’s date and maybe boyfriend.”

“Luz, they've been on two dates.” Vee stressed, to which Luz responded, “With a third already planned!”

“Is… is there a limit for how many dates are required before one becomes a boyfriend?”

Luz opened her mouth and then paused before shrugging. “I wasn't really desirable enough for people to consider dating back in the human realm so I wouldn't know.”

Hunter frowned, so did everyone else. The more they learned of Luz’s social life before the Isles the less they enjoyed the humans around her save for Camila and Masha. Willow clenched her fists while he crossed his arms in annoyance.

“Well, it's their loss.” Amty slung an arm around Luz’s shoulder and planted a kiss on her cheek. “I’m not happy they didn't see how amazing you are, but I am happy you're dating me now.”

Luz smiled dopily as snickers went through the room at how cheesy they both were. He almost opened his mouth to tease about just how happy Amity was she was before he closed his mouth with a click. That would be… that would be cruel, revealing it to Luz before Amity was ready.

Revealing it to everyone else? That was fair game, but Luz would be a step to far and he was trying to make up for his many sins.

“In the human world, it usually takes a few dates to find out if you're compatible enough to be considered together.” Masha, ever dependable Masha, explained for the Hexsquad as they all forgot their anger at Luz’s human schooling to listen to the other human in the room. “Like, going on one date and declaring yourself dating is rushing things, whereas after three you've established enough of a pattern to-”

“So, it's basically the same as here on the Isles, got it.” Gus gave a thumbs up and began furiously scribbling into a notepad he had. “This will be great to tell the exchange program. Heck, I could make it another whole lesson: ‘Dating between species.’

“Okay… good to know.” Masha looked interested besides themself, clearly curious. “Anything else I should know about that?”

“On the Isles, you show you're going steady by gifting a piece of your own jewelry to the person you're dating.” Gus explained to which Masha froze, grabbed at their necklace and then turned to Vee who smiled shyly.

That's why you were so happy about getting my old earrings?” Vee blushed and nodded while Masha breathed through their nose. “Okay, so I basically proposed to my girlfriend by accident… cool, cool cool cool.”

“No take backs.” Vee said simply as she rested her head on their shoulder.

“ANYWAY!” Luz once more clapped her hands together to gain everyone’s attention, a look of seriousness on her face. “Moving on, we need to talk about Lucius.”

“Is he dangerous?” Willow asked seriously, the mirth on her face gone along with everyone else's.

Luz opened her mouth… before pausing and shrugging. “I don't know.”

The rest of the Hexsquad blinked and looked to one another before turning back to her. “Then… what's the problem?”

“He’s not normal.” Vee said, getting up and moving to the front of the room alongside Luz and Amity. “He smells of magic, but only sometimes. And the magic he smells like is… weird.” She frowned, looking down at the ground. “It was like eating a hot pepper covered in chili sauce, it actually burned a bit just from the ambience around it.”

All the non magic-eating basilisks in the room just looked at one another once more. “Is…” He began, his voice unsure. “Is that not normal?”

Vee blinked before pinching the bridge of her nose. “No, that's not normal. Magic has a distinct flavor to it, almost like a tangy fruit juice. It shouldn't be spicy at all.”

A general wave of understanding ran across the room as they all nodded along. Masha looked interested and joined Gus in writing down everything Vee was saying.

Willow, however, was focusing on the important bits. “So, he could be from a different Titan.”

Vee shrugged. “I’ve only ever eaten magic from this Titan, never another. He could be a witch in disguise.”

“He’s also rich.” Luz made a small alteration to the glyph combo and the image changed front he dartboard to an image of a very fancy, rather short looking man in a bright white suit. “I was a little distracted by everything surrounding the date-”

“By the way, if he ever gets out of jail we’re beating up Jacob Hopkins.” Masha said simply to which their girlfriend Vee nodded along viciously.

“Wait, what does Jacob have to do-”

Luz talked right over him. “-but I took note of how it’s possible mom snagged a vampire millionaire.”

“I thought you told me Vampires weren’t real?” Gus asked, confused.

“I said they probably weren’t real but recent events have made me think otherwise.” Luz began pacing back and forth, her expression severe. “His magical aura, his vast wealth, his odd behavior… I see two possibilities before me.”

She turned to the group. “Option one: He’s exactly what he appears to be, a vampire millionaire who just so happened to meet mom by happenstance and is now fighting against his inner nature to be the man she believes him to be all the while dodging supernatural enemies he’s made over the centuries.”

“I read that book, Luz.” Masha rolled their eyes. “It wasn't that good.”

Luz blushed and rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “Option two: He’s a demon from another titan who fled to the human realm and is using his magic to make a fortune.” Luz began to pace once more. “Mom believes him to be some high-power executive from a company in New York and I can totally see a magical demon making a fortune off the stock market.”

“I… understood those were words.” Gus said, smiling embarrassedly as he kept writing in his notebook.

Stringbean floated around Luz’s head and began to speak to her, little “Meeps.” echoing off of the palisman as Luz nodded.

“Also, Stringbean wants me to tell you all an Isles demon made it into the human world and tried to crash the date.” She explained to which Stringbean shifted into a rather adorable goat beast in a plant like suit with what looked to be Night-Vision goggles on. “What he was doing there is a mystery, but it could be connected.”

“Or,” Vee said, looking expectantly at Luz. “It could be one of the many creatures Eda accidentally gave sentience and then abandoned behind a coffee shop.”

“There is also that possibility, yes. Eda did make talking racoons once so-”

Masha rocketed to their feet, their expression alarmed. “Wait, wait: The talking racoons are real!?”

Luz and Vee nodded to which Masha sat back down, shocked. “I thought Jeremy was pulling my leg about seeing those…”

“The point I'm trying to make is: Lucius is magical, has a vast fortune, and is possibly or possibly not connected to an Isles demon Stringbean had a fight with.” Luz looked at the Hexsquad and tried to convey the gravity of the situation. “I don't know if he’s a vampire or an Isles witch but he’s something and we’re not leaving this room until we figure it out!”

“I have the exchange program to get back to.” Gus explained.

“I have a date with Hunter.” Willow explained to which he nodded bashfully.

“I was actually going to see if you wanted to come to dinner with my dad and the twins.” Amity said.

Luz sighed. “Okay, we’re not leaving this room until at least an hour has passed.”


Can you tell that More Than Anything is my favorite Hazbin song?

Next Chapter: Eda ruminates on life and meets with her sister.

Chapter 13: To growing up!


Eda Clawthorne has an important talk with Luz, and then an important talk with her sister.


I know weve taken a bit of a detour away from the main couple a bit lately, but it was worth it to set up a future idea in this chapter.

Gotta admit I like writing Eda, she's a fun character. Gonna have to write her pre-epilogue self one day.

Oh, and btw: there are now two fanfics inspired by this one. Do you know how happy that makes me? I am ecstatic! One of them is by an author who I bookmarked a story from and read religiously when it was being updated, and the other is by a first time author who was inspired to write their first fic based off of this. I have no words other than: thankyouthankyouthankyou

Go check them out below in the Links section

Edit: accidentally confused Liliths palisman with her moms. She would be so disappointed in me

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

As afternoon turned to evening, Eda Clawthorne, headmistress of the University of Wild Magic, carefully waited for her sister.

The mature and bushy haired witch carefully nursed a glass of Apple Blood in her good hand as her hook tapped against the grain of the railing. Apple Blood was about her drink of choice most days though she had certainly cut back on overindulging like she had before.

Maturity and responsibility had come to her late in the game but they had come like a Gorenado.

She’d cut back on the hard liqueurs after kidnapping/adopting King off of that damn Island, she’d cut back on the scams and law-breaking once Luz came into her life, and now she was even cutting back on apple blood now that she was Headmistress of her dream institution.

Apple Blood! It was basically fermented blood from a slain apple and had the same kick as a Snaggleback: zero to none. Oh, if you drank enough of it you could get drunk off your ass but she… she didn't do that anymore.

She frowned into her drink as she considered that.

Once she was the most feared witch on the Boiling Isles, an outlaw who stuck it to the Emperor and got away with it due to being sneaky and conniving. She’d given up on a lot of her old dreams and aspirations as her curse got worse and worse and basically threw herself into living as she pleased no matter the consequences.

King had been her first wake up call: his first words would never leave her. But even King hadn’t been able to make her stop living like she did. She still flagrantly ignored almost every law, regularly assaulted members of the Emperor’s Coven, and scammed the sh*t out of everyone and everything she could.

And then along came Luz.

Luz Noceda, a plucky young teen wanting to do the impossible and be the first human witch. It was never going to happen but Eda let her stay and learn anyway.

The why of it was hotly debated amongst the people of the Isles, most of whom had never met either of them before but knew of them through osmosis: Eda had sensed the destiny that Luz would enact and so had taken her under her wing, or Luz was secretly the daughter of the Titan themself, or Eda had sensed the Titan’s will that day…

There were even some rumors that Luz was secretly the love child of Raine and Eda, sent off to the human realm to safeguard her against the agents of the Emperor only to come back at the hour of the Isles greatest need!

Raine and her had laughed themselves silly at that last one.

The why of what made Eda let Luz stay would be hotly debated until the bones of the Titan rotted away in a billion years and sank into the ocean below, and the truth Eda would take to her grave.

She just didn't want to be alone anymore.

At that point in life she had basically no friends, no Raine, her sister was off being Little Miss Perfect for the Emperor’s Coven, her mom… was being her mom, and her dad was still an agonizing reminder of her curse and its consequences. Even King, her lovely adopted son who she was raising alongside Raine, was more like a roommate back then than anything resembling family.

So why not let a human enter her home? Why not try to teach a human the impossible? It wouldn't hurt anything and at least she would have someone to talk to who wasn't Hooty.

And then somehow Luz turned all their lives upside down, opened her heart, made her reconcile with her sister, with her mom, with her dad, with Raine, and made her realize that she was never really alone unless she let herself be.

Oh, and she destroyed the Emperor’s Coven and helped kill Emperor dickhe*d. That was also important.

Eda smiled, swirling the dark red liquid in her mug as she just stared off into the distance at the lower half of the Titan’s colossal skeleton. Life hadn't been kind to her, but then again if you looked at it as a whole it wasn't too bad.

Now here she stood, in the high hall of her own personal office as headmistress of her own academy of Wild Magic. She was married to the love of her life, had two different kinda-sorta adopted kids, and couldn't ask for more.

The door to her office was kicked open, Luz sweeping in with determination with Stringbean close behind. “Eda! I need to ask you something!”

Well, she could always ask to ruminate in peace she supposed.

Eda downed the mug quickly, slamming the mug down on the railing as she turned around and made her way over to the massive oaken desk. It was a heavy and ornate thing, not her vibe at all, but it had been a gift from Alador after the apocalypse was all said and done so she accepted it with only mild complaining.

She rocked back in her simple swivel chair, kicked her feet up on the desk, and leveled her best Stern Teacher look at Luz. “Luz, I love you but you gotta stop kicking down my door.”

Luz rubbed the back of her head with a grimace and a laugh, looking awkwardly at the door she had come in through. “Okay… I’m sorry about that.” She then perked up and slammed both hands against the desk, her eyes alight. “But this is serious!”

Eda found herself leaning forward despite herself. Perhaps Boots (she mentally reminded herself to find an appropriate apology for blabbering about the proposal) had come by with some new adventure or ruin to explore on one of their ‘Action-Dates.’

Luz breathed in and out, gathering herself, before finally looking Eda in her mismatched eyes. “My mom texted me that her and Lucius’s date is in three days so I was wondering if you and Raine-”

"Let me stop you right there." she said, only a little disappointed all the seriousness was over something so silly. "I don't double-date. and I certainly won't spy while double-dating."

"But Eda-" Luz groaned, Stringbean morphing into a cute puppy on her shoulder and staring at her with big, wet eyes.

Eda was entirely unmoved.

"Look Luz, sometimes you gotta let things happen.” She explained carefully, mind rushing on how to explain her point when a stroke of brilliance hit her. She beamed, stood up, and put her good arm around Luz while her hook was thrust into the distance to help explain.

“Take me for example: Once while I was going under Marilyn I went to one of your human cities, Vegas or something, and lost it all gambling. Woulda left in shame had I not fallen in with some guy named Stan.” She laughed to herself remembering the man, he’d been handsome and she’d been lonely so they’d hit it off. Oh, he’d been a con artist without shame but so was she so they had something in common.

“Was into older guys back then so we got drunk, then got married, then we pretty much scammed an entire casino out of money. It was the best six hours I ever had in the human world!” She then frowned. “I think we technically divorced when I stole his car and he retaliated by stealing all the money, jokes on him though: the cops chased after him instead of me.” She sighed. “I still miss that car sometimes…”

"... Okay, I have several burning questions now, but those can wait!" Luz said.

Luz started pacing back and forth, her expression still determined. “I am more than happy that mom found someone after all this time: she deserves to be happy.” Luz nodded to herself, Stringbean curling around her arm comfortingly. “And I will protect and support her no matter what… but if he isn't what he appears to be, shouldn't we do something about it?”

Eda sighed as she leaned back against the desk, looking down at Luz and just thinking.

Titan, but it felt like yesterday she was discovering the Light Glyph and sending dozens of little balls of pure light up across her room after a terrible night full of curse weirdness. And now here she was, victorious over Ol’ Bellend and his band of cultist crazies and the savior of the Boiling Isles.

Where, exactly, did all the time go?

No matter how old she got though, it was good to know Luz would always still be the pure-hearted girl she was when they met. Beating up bad guys and discovering long-lost magical arts one day, worrying about her mom’s new boyfriend the next.

It made her want to reach out and ruffle her hair all maternally like a big sucker, so she did.

“Eda!” Luz complained, fighting away her good hand as Stringbean laughed at her witch. “I’m trying to be serious here!” Luz looked up to continue complaining when she saw the melancholic look on her face.



“How much apple blood have you had?” Luz asked, crossing her arms and looking disappointed.

She drew herself up. “I’ll have you know that I’ve only drank one mug full of apple blood, thank you very much.”

Luz looked unimpressed. “And how many times did you ‘refill’ said mug of apple blood?”

“... I don't see what that has to do with anything.”

Before Luz and her palisman could look more disappointed in her she waved them away with her hook. “Look, kiddo, I'm not going to spy on your mom for you.”

Luz looked conflicted and she sighed. “Listen, I can't relate to what you’re going through but I can say that your mom is a fighter. I mean, sh*t, she followed you into the demon realm and faced down an apocalypse with you!”

Luz smiled wistfully. “She did, yeah…”

“I know you’re worried about her kid, but you gotta let her make her own decisions. Even bad ones.”

Before Luz could complain she cut her off. “From what Masha and Vee told me, whatever Lucius is he seems to be a massive dork in love overall so I'm pretty happy leaving this up to Cam.”

Luz… she just sighed and smiled. “He did do a little dance when mom told him she wanted to go on a third date.”

She snorted, the mental image was still funny even all these hours after Vee and Masha filled her in on all the details. Oh, for sure, she had been a bit worried as well when she first heard Cam was dating… whatever the f*ck a Vampire was, but the more the two of them talked the more it seemed like he was kind of harmless overall.

What you saw was apparently what you got: a massive dork just trying to find love again.

The nervous energy seemed to bleed out of Luz, her shoulders sagging as she just smiled gratefully at her. “Thanks Eda.”

And then Luz rushed up and hugged her.

Titan, but she had been so utterly confused the first time Luz had done this but she would admit it had grown on her. Eda smiled and hugged her back with her good arm, making sure not to scar her with her hook hand. She’d had lots of practice by now, since hugging with a wicked blade for a hand was hard to do when you didn't want to wound someone.

… maybe Lily was right, maybe the hook was a little impractical.

Eh, she could deal with it. The hook was cool as sh*t, she wasn't giving it up.

“Alright kid, let go.” She pushed her apprentice/daughter away and just laughed. “I have a meeting with Lily in a few minutes so best be off with you.”

Luz smirked at her. “What, you aren’t curious about Mr. Magne?”

“Yeah, I am.” Luz blinked and she started waving her off. “But I also probably won't meet him anytime soon so it's no big deal.”

Luz opened her mouth, paused, and then smirked mischievously at her. “There’s a betting pool.” She sang out.

… Titan damn it. “Put me down five hundred for ‘Weregiraffe.’”

Luz paused, “You mean like a Werewolf?”

“... what’s a werewolf?” She asked.

“What’s a weregiraffe?”

“The main subject of a trashy romance series. Sold out within days it was that popular, remember a bunch of teenagers fighting over being ‘team Romulus’ or ‘team Vlad’” She leaned in and chuckled evilly. “Fun fact: Lily was obsessed with them.”

Luz actually gasped, mock horror in her eyes. “Cool Auntie Lilith was a Twilight fan!?”

Eda blinked, “Actually it was called Midnight, and-” She sighed and shook her head. “Anyway, Lils and I are gonna talk about another research adventure for you brats so I’m going to need you to go back to getting more people in on the betting pool so I'm even richer when I win.”

”I’d rather not spread my mom’s personal life outside my friend group just so you can make a few snails.” Luz looked disappointed again but finally began moving away. “I do have something to do with Amity so I’ll head out and leave you alone.” she called out as she disappeared out of the room.

And thus, Eda was left alone once more.

She continued leaning back against the desk as she just kept thinking. Raine was off leading the new Government of the Isles and would be bogged down in meetings until sun up. Rebuilding the Isles into a new and free society after being ruled by a totalitarian megalomaniac with a f*cked up savior complex was hard.

It also meant that the few times her and Raine had off together were spent sleeping and cuddling. No energy for anything else when running an entire academic system and running an entire government respectively kept you wrung out most days.

Titan, when was the last time she and Raine just… had time to themselves? No Isles, no students, no apprentices, nothing to keep them apart? She couldn't remember-

Actually, wait, she could remember. The last time they had any free time together was the King-ceneara… two years ago now.

That was inexcusable. She swore then and there she was going to take Raine on a nice date as far away from their duties and responsibilities as physically possible or die trying. Screw it, she would go back to her wild days and stage a fake kidnapping if she had to just to get Raine away for a single evening.

Of course, that asked the question of ‘Where could you take Raine that the Isles won't follow?’

sh*t, she would have to think outside the bo-

“I don't double-date. And I certainly won't spy while double-dating.”

Maybe a double date wouldnt be the worst thing…’ she thought to herself. The human realm was far away, didn't have any reminders of the Isles, and would be worry free as far as Raine was concerned. She could take her spouse on a nice date and maybe tag along with Cam and… Lucius.

She groaned and slumped: Luz would never let her hear the end of this if she went through with it….

Screw it, Raine was worth some teasing.

Before she could talk herself out of it or figure out something else, a familiar brown owl palisman flew in through the window and landed on her shoulder, nuzzling the side of her face with his own. “Hey buddy.” She cooed as she scratched the top of his little head.

“Hello sister.”


Lilith Clawthorne was aging gracefully. Since she had primarily avoided the rapid aging brought on by the curse by virtue of the alliance she made with the Owl Beast within weeks of her taking it on, she still had mostly bright orange curly hair with wicked looking gray streaks. Her blue coat looked good on her, very professional.

Honestly, Eda liked her more now that she was no longer dressing as either a cultist with a stick up their ass or a depressed hobo like she had back during the final year of Belos’ reign. She also just liked having her sister back after… everything.

Lilith jumped off of Barnabas, her dopey looking raven palisman, and caught her in a bone-crushing hug. “It’s so good to see you again, Edalyn!”

“We saw each other last week.” She carefully explained to which her once prissy and perfect sister simply rolled her mismatched eyes.

“Yes, but I do enjoy these cross academic talks of ours.” Lilith beamed at her. “When you mentioned wanting to send out another group of students on a ruin hunt I gathered as much material as I could and rushed over as fast as I-”

Eda placed both hand and hook on Lilith’s shoulders. “Lily, lily breathe.”

“I’m sorry, Eda.” Lilith thankfully began breathing, no longer trying to force out as many words as she could at once. The curator of the supernatural Museum of History brushed her coat down before beaming at her. “I just… you know how excited I get about history.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Eda bumped her shoulder into her with a smile. “Still the same big ol’ nerd even after all this time, huh?”

Lilith smiled. “I can't help it that I've found my passion.”


“You’re one to talk, Edalyn.” Lilith smirked. “Oh, I'm sorry, Headmistress Edalyn.”

She groaned in despair and walked over to the fridge to begin refilling her mug with apple blood. “Don't remind me. You know how hard it is to teach Glyph-Making when your son is the only one who can make them by proximity so far?”

She offered a glass to Lilith, who took it gratefully. “You seem to be doing well so far from what I've heard.”

“And would anyone say anything if I wasn’t?” She plopped herself back down in her chair and began drinking, the sweet yet spiced flavor a familiar friend. “I literally stomped Belos’ head in with my boot: who the f*ck would call me out for screwing up a class or two?”

“Raine also helped to stomp Belos' head in and they get called out all the time.” Lilith explained. “Everytime they try to make even the slightest change to society they get called the second coming of Belos. Even if it’s beneficial for all.” Lilith paused and then shook her head. “Actually, especially if it’s beneficial for all.”

She groaned. “Politics, Lily: not even once.”

Lilith shrugged, sipping at her own drink. “I’m just saying it happens more often than you think. You’re a great teacher, Edalyn. You taught Luz after all.”

She smiled. “That I did, Lils. That I did.”

The two sisters sat in comfortable silence for a moment. Barnabas and Owlbert talking to one another in the corner in the language of palismans. What they spoke of she couldn't say, though it involved lots of wing movements.

She stared down at her drink and thought for a moment. “Hey, Lils?”


She paused, swallowed, and then barreled forth. “You ever think about what our younger selves would think of us?”

Lilith choked on her apple blood, wiping at her mouth furiously. “Wha- what brought that on?”

She shrugged. “Just something I've been thinking of lately, is all.”

Lilith looked at her oddly before falling into contemplation, her brow furrowed as she thought. A dark and pained look passed through her eyes before she shook her head. “I… I think that though she would hate the path it took to get here, she would ultimately be proud of me.”

She looked up to the ceiling. “I did… awful things. Things I can never make up for. But ultimately here I am trying to do right by the world. I think, Edalyn, she’d be happy with what I am now.” She looked at her. “What about you?”

Eda thought for a moment. “She’d be disappointed I wasn't a professional grudgby superstar.”

Lilith gave her side eye. “I bare my soul and that's what you respond with?”

She sighed as her sister glared at her before relenting. “I think… I think she’d be happy with me too.”

Silence fell as they bothy thought about the past.

“Seriously, Edalyn.” Lilith looked at her with concern. “What brought that on?”

She smirked. “Just comparing who I was under Belos to now.” They both looked at the old wanted poster, once plastered across every town in the Boiling Isles and denoting her as the most dangerous criminal who ever lived.

Lilith looked even more concerned. “Eda, I don't think about who I was under Belos at all. We both know I was horrible as one of his enforcers.”

“You don't miss chasing after me at all?”


She held up hand and hook in surrender. “Sorry Lily. I’m just… reminiscing.” She stared at the poster longingly. “Just thinking about how I grew up is all.”

Lilith paused, her head co*cking to the side as she stared at her sister like a puzzle that needed solving. “... you grew up?”

“Yeah, I grew up.” She spread her arms wide, her smile bright. “Now I'm all responsible and crap, have a steady job and everything. I'm basically raising endless generations of apprentices on how to be free and wild like magic.” she nodded. “I grew up.”

Lilith looked at her and began laughing, the fiery haired witch full of such mirth it was infectious as she joined Lilith in her laughter. Together they laughed, joy in their hearts and souls.

“To growing up!” Eda cried out, raising her mug to the air.

Lilith matched her with a smile. “To growing up.”

The two sisters toasted and laughed, and all was well.


Oh you better believe date number four is a Double-date with Raeda. That's what its all been about babee!!!!!

And now that that chapter is out of the way, we can get back to Lucifer/Camila. I like the Boiling Isles but I want to see my cracky blorbos again

Next Chapter: Lucifer takes Camila out on a nice date where nothing bad happens. No, really.

Chapter 14: Of Royals and Apple Tarts


Lucifer looks at how the realm is run, gets confused by all the shouting, casually upends the social hierarchy with a few words, and then leaves to have a picnic date with Camila


So this was going to be the picnic date but i ended up writing more about Infernal Politics and sneaking in some more worldbuilding while im at it. I made another lore connection between the two shows again. Meanwhile, the Goetia's are Hellborn Demons just like the Seraphs are Heavenborn Angels. This is based off of the fact both are birds. You ever notice how Heaven and Hell both like birds? Sera is a giant bird, Stolas is a giant bird, Stella, Andrealphus, that one dude on the Heavenly Council... birbs everywhere.

Anyway, setting up some future chapters in this and the next one so expect the lovely picnic date to go off without a hitch.

Also, i feel like i should TW: Stella and her abusiveness in this one. its pretty brief overall but i want to be respectful to my readers.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

In the halls of Envy, a somewhat important gathering was taking place.

A colossal crystalline structure spread out across a wide plain of snow and ice, great spires rising up to reach the skies while gemstones the size of city blocks were carved into great halls that could house thousands. It was opulence and splendor taken to its logical limit.

Nothing less would satisfy the ego’s of the Ars Goetia, however.

Those bickering families of powerful and power-hungry demons born in the seven rings of Hell upon its creation ten thousand years ago had splintered into seventy two royal houses that upheld the sovereignty and regality of Hell itself. Seventy two families that bickered, schemed, warred, plotted, and terrorized one another for thousands and thousands of years.

Though the Goetias were not immortal, they were extremely long lived and very hard to kill. Most would die simply of old age or illness but there were a chosen few who did not, who in fact died under mysterious circ*mstances. And then there were those who died under ‘mysterious’ circ*mstances like ‘How did an angelic knife find its way into your chest when the only other person home is your only heir and beneficiary of your estate?

When one was as close to immortal as you could get without being a literal fallen one, politics tended to get a bit messy.

The massive crystalline structure of Envy was the Royal Convocation, seat of the only neutral ground that the seventy two families would ever recognize. Here was where Gremory, current head of the Convocation, would hold court as the families discussed the politics and structure of Hell.

Many arguments and eternal blood feuds had been born in this place, though as it was neutral ground none would ever openly attack another here. Though anything less than outright murder was acceptable to the Goetias: Thrones had been thrown, tables broken, fistfights, magic fights, curses and hexes often flew through the air as the royal families aired out their grudges from a… questionably safe distance.

Inside a glittering diamond the size of a school building was a pentagram shaped room. Several layers on four sides of the pentagram rose up in rows of tables and thrones for the Goetia nobles while at the head of the pentagram stood a tall court table with a throne at the apex of it, and slightly beneath that throne was another of ostentatious grandeur.

It was here that the Goetia gathered, it was here that the bureaucracy of Hell was performed.

Imp clerks would regularly scurry about and collect paperwork or clean up after the Goetias, the unendingly busy staff trying their best to make sure the crystal palace was as spotless and clean as could be for the demonic royalty.

However, for the first time since its founding, the Royal Convocation was almost silent as the grave as seventy two lords, ladies, and nonbinary nobles awkwardly looked to one another and waited for someone to break the silence first.

Stolas, current head of House Stolas since his fathers passing, tapped his fingers on the glittering gemstone table in front of him as he awkwardly glanced at his ex wife across the circular room they were all stuffed in.

Stella, vicious and abusive as she was, wasn't an idiot and simply relegated herself to glaring hatefully at him with her beak shut tight. Andrealphus preened next to her and leaned over, opening his beak to most likely throw out some back-handed compliment-

~tap tap tap~

Andrealphus closed his beak quietly and glanced fearfully at the one figure in the room that was causing all the fuss.

Gremory, the fiery feathered demoness and head of the Convocation by internal election, was chugging wine like she was dehydrated as she tried her best not to look behind and above her. Her midnight black dress had a few wine stains on it from her shaky hands as she dipped her long, pelican like beak into the wine glass and chugged like a sailor.

For behind her was a black iron throne, high backed and free of any gilding or gemstone lining like all the others. For who needed ostentation when you were the king of Hell.

Lucifer Morningstar, it seemed, was getting out of his long depression. Seven years of silence and before that centuries of spontaneous appearances around hell had given the Fallen One an almost cavalier persona. He showed up, rambled about something to do with ducks or making things, and then disappeared for a year. The only time the average demon would even see the King was during his yearly Sinmas Fireside Chat where he would address the state of Hell, his plans for the future, and then gush about his wife and child for an hour straight.

Seven years ago they ended abruptly around the same time a bunch of lawyers from Greed announced the Queen had hired them for divorce proceedings and nobody saw hide nor hair of the King since.

Except for reasons nobody could figure out, he had decided to attend his first meeting of the Convocation in centuries. Now he sat in the black iron throne, the short King of Hell in his regal white suit and top hat/crown as he looked down at all of them.

Well, that was the plan. In truth before anyone could say anything the King had gotten a text on his hellphone and promptly ignored them all for at least thirty minutes as he texted… someone.

Stolas didn't know who he was texting, none of them did, but he could guess if the childish giggling and the dopey smile on his face were anything to go by.

He’d felt the same whenever Blitzy- no, Blitz, whenever Blitz would text him.

He carefully side-stepped the enormous can of worms that was his relationship or lack-there-of with Blitz and focused on the king. He could cry about how enormously he had screwed everything up with the only person to care about him outside of his daughter later.

~tap tap tap~

The king kept texting, a happy smile on his face as his fingers flew over the phone like crazy.

He wondered, briefly, what sordid and salacious things the king and his paramour were texting one another.


‘So why did the duck go to the chiropractor?’

‘Please stop, I can't keep laughing like this.’

‘To get his back quacked!’

‘My daughters would say Im supposed to do a Keyboard Smash now but I'll just say that you caused me to spill my coffee you incorrigible man.’

‘I'm glad I can make you laugh like this.’

'Oh really? I have one for you then: What time do ducks get up?’


‘The quack of dawn! :D’


The king nearly fell over giggling to himself and the royals looked to one another in confusion. He guffawed so loudly it echoed throughout the hall, bouncing off the walls of the Diamond Building and causing all to hear it.

Only when he died down did the silence continue and it was almost physical, it was so painful and all-consuming. Something had to give.

“Um… your majesty?”

Every eye in the hall laser focused on the one who had dared to talk to the king and he was horrified to find out it was himself. Andrealphus looked shocked while Stella looked like Sinmas had come early.

"What the f*ck are you doing?" Murmur, the midnight black co*ckatoo demon with a truly colossal headcrest, hissed next to him. Gremory looked at him like he had lost his mind while several other Goetia Demons looked ready to either bolt or start carving up his territory and holdings right then and there.

“Hmm?” Lucifer looked up from his phone and scanned the Convocation. “Someone say something?”

He was shaking in his throne, feathers puffing out as every last one of his long underused fight or flight responses went into overdrive. If he said nothing, maybe he could-

“My darling of an ex-husband wanted your attention, your majesty” Stella was preening, malicious joy in her eyes as she waved a hand in his direction. Andrealphus looked both impressed and horrified by his sister’s actions.

Lucifer looked at him and a noise like a dying frog escaped him. The king raised an eyebrow and he did what he did best: talk out of his ass.

“Well, your majesty,” He tugged at his collar as sweat ran down his feathers. His eyes shifted for anyone willing to help him but every last noble representative was perfectly ready and more than willing to watch him flounder and fail. He was alone.

“It’s just… ah, well, that is to say, we have a schedule to keep?”

Silence descended once more as the Convocation stared at him like he was as mad as his great-grandfather Amdusias. Maybe he was as crazy as old Amdusias: first he interrupts the king of hell while typing to his paramour and the next thing you know he’s being quietly put into an asylum in Sloth due to inane ramblings about large skeletons and a bunch of cave-people.

Lucifer blinked and Stolas tried to sink into the surface of this throne to escape-

“Oh, you're right!” The king looked a little embarrassed as he scratched at the side of his face. “Sorry everyone, was so bust text- i mean, talking to one of my under- no, won't call her that. Er, I was talking to… someone. Yes! I was talking to someone and lost track of the time.”

Why, exactly, the King was so willing to hide who he was dating was suspicious to the Convocation and almost all of them began to wonder who his paramour was: Was it one of their rivals? A minor house? Was that one sinner who hijacked an entire Voxnet channel for an hour to talk about Lucifer/Belphegor right and the King was dating one of his brethren from the Fall?

The only ones not focusing on the relationship drama were Stolas himself, too busy wiping the sweat from his brow in relief, and Gremory, who began to pound her gavel against the high-top table she sat at.

“Let the Royal Convocation of the Ars Goetia commence. First on the docket…” Gremory gathered together her notes and peered down her beak at them, her six eyes squinting. “... the resolution to finally disassemble the Malphas estates. Barbatos, you have the floor.”

Stolas was continuously amazed at how well behaved and respectful the entire Convocation was this day. Usually, arguments and infighting would have broken out by now between some houses, and yet nobody was willing to act out in the presence of the King.

His ex-wife would have sent a few smug insults his way about how she was currently winning the custody battle, or that he would never see Octavia again because he was “Clearly unfit to be a parent due to his proclivities with the lower class.” It was bullsh*t, his relationship with Blitz was being used as a weapon against him and he could do nothing because…

Because, at the end of the day, he had prioritized his relationship over his family. Stella had driven him into the arms of an imp and he had tried to keep everything together but it had all fallen apart so fast.

The Asmodean crystal he had would at least salvage something out of the burning trashfire that was Blitz and his relationship but he was growing more and more terrified that his little owlet would be taken away forever.

The Convocation was on Stella’s side, the infernal news media was on Stella’s side, everyone was on her side. And if Stella brought it up today (which he knew she would) he knew the King would be on her side as well because life was unfair.

He glanced at Stella out of the corner of his eyes and saw her glaring daggers at him, utter hate in her eyes. She’d always been cruel and sad*stic but now that he had essentially humiliated her in front of Hell she had… well, thrown herself into destroying him.

And she was winning.

He shook his head, if he thought anymore about his losing custody battle he would start crying and then the vultures would descend. He could at least pretend to listen to Barbatos and his latest unsuccessful attempt to swallow up the Malphas estates.

“... been gone for a full century, it is time to face the facts: he died up there and will never be seen again.” Barbatos, a bald headed vulture with a quite large peaco*ck like tail, made his latest case well. “I ask of you: would it not be better to swallow up his lands and estates now rather than wait into eternity for a dead demon to return?”

Muttering and agreements rang out as the representatives nodded to one another. This was how things usually went: Barbatos would make his case, he would make it well, the Convocation would agree-

“And like every time you bring it up, I ask of you: who gets his estates?” Gremory asked, staring down the vulture demon as he gulped. He scratched at his neck, looked about the room, and then sighed.

“I would, my lady.”

Discontent rang out as the representatives all began to argue why they, and only they, should get Malphas’ possessions.

- and then the Convocation would get bogged down trying to figure out who got what.

It was old hat by now and it was something Stolas tried to avoid. He didn't want Malphas’s old stuff, he never even met the demon! Oh, Stella had argued ceaselessly about why she wanted a new castle and why it should be Malphas’s back when they were married, but he didn't much care when the convocation failed to find a solution.

Zagan and Vine looked ready to come to blows, Belial was shouting about how Barbatos was “An imp loving fool!” and Astaroth was currently declaring about how he was half ready to tear up the Book of Damnation itself.

At least things are peaceful this time.’ he thought to himself as he rested his head in his hands and groaned in annoyance.

“Is it always this exciting?”

The voice, confused and full of awkward hesitation, cast an immediate lull in the infighting as everyone froze at the sound of the king’s question. Gremory, a look of embarrassed fury on her face, craned her neck up to look at the king who was currently leaning down and stage whispering to her.

“It, er, is usually more peaceful your majesty.”

“It looks fun!” He laughed a bit and cast his red eyes about the room nervously. “I mean, it's all just for show, right?”

The room of nobles all carefully and immediately began to pretend to be friends, shaking hands and laughing fakely with those they had been ready to kill not even seconds ago. It would not do to appear lesser in the eyes of the king.

Stella, having not engaged with any of the infighting, simply kept glaring at him like he was a bug she found on the bottom of her talons.

He awkwardly scratched at the side of his face again, unsure how to respond with the king watching their every move.

“Whats next?” The king looked awkward as he glanced at everyone, his gaze causing several Goetia to flinch and look away. Unfortunately, he didn't look away fast enough as Lucifer caught his gaze and looked him in the eyes.

“You there! Do you have anything to bring before the Convocation?”

Stolas had several things to bring before the Convocation but right now he couldn't think of any, he was too busy trying not to die from stage fright before the eyes of everyone in the hall.

“Well…” He began lamely, his gaze anywhere but at Lucifer. “I… ah, it is time… time to… er…”

“Time to…?” Lucifer looked confused, the Convocation looked furious, and Stella looked gleeful as he floundered before the King. Before he could try to save himself, Lucifer looked up and gasped.

“Oh my golly! Is that really the time?” Lucifer looked at the eternal clockwork time-keeper on the wall, the many gears and springs making sure all twenty four hours of the earth were kept up to date. The king rocketed to his feet in shock and rushed about, gathering his things. “I completely forgot about my plans today, what kind of boyfriend am i? I was going to take her on a lovely picnic and here i am wasting all of your valuable time-”

The king blinked, a look of worry crossing his face as he looked down at him. “You don't think it’s too early to be calling myself a boyfriend, do you?”

Every head in the hall turned from the king to him and once more he wanted to sink into the crystalline floor. “Er… no?”

“Is that… is that a question?”

His long neck retracted into himself as he started making dying noises. “No?”

Lucifer blinked before a happy smile crossed his face. “Ah, that's alright then. Thanks for the help… er-”

“Stolas, your majesty.” He slowly eased himself up onto his throne once more as he felt the immediate danger pass.

“Stolas, then.” And suddenly, between one moment and the next, the king was now in front of him shaking his hand. “By golly, I do appreciate you helping me out with that and reminding me about the time. I truly hope you have a wonderful rest of the day.”

“He was going to run off and meet his imp boytoy, your majesty.” Stella supplied helpfully, false sorrow in her voice as she waited for the king to recoil in disgust-

“That’s pretty cool. I hope things work out for you.”

He felt his beak fall open and he wasn't the only one, every Goetia in the Convocation was staring at either him or the King in open shock. He actually rose up and tried to look proud. “You mean that?”

“Of course! Love is love, so I'm happy you found it with someone” The king looked thoughtful and then rushed to the center of the hall, pounding his chest with a fist. “Also, it is my duty as the King to inform you all that I hereby give my full and explicit approval to the union of Asmodeus and Fizzarolli the Imp.”

A portal opened up behind him and the king actually smirked as he fell backwards into it. “Byeee!”

The portal closed… and chaos fell almost immediately.

“It’s the end times! The sinners were right, Armageddon is real!”

“My servants! They’ll get ideas now!”

“You mean to tell me I went through all the trouble of hiding my relations with an imp for f*cking nothing!?”

“Society is breaking down, Imps will rule us all soon!”

The bird-like demons of the Ars Goetia fell into panic and discord as they all but rioted, magic going haywire as the blue-blooded nobles reacted to a lowborn demon rising the ranks like any noble would: wild pandaemonium. The imp clerks, normally willing to clean up after their masters, were too busy celebrating Fizzarolli’s success in bagging one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

“Order! I say, I say Order!” Gremory called, her crimson feathers puffing up in annoyance and rage as she all but flew hexes at everyone present. “Sit the hell down, all of you!”

He focused on none of this, his gaze solely on his shell shocked ex-wife who even now looked like she was having trouble comprehending what she just heard. He preened, his every movement a prideful strut as he leaned over and planted both hands on the side of her desk as he leaned in.

“I’d like to renegotiate how much Alimony you get… and how much time I get to spend with ‘Via going forward.”

Stella shook herself out of her shock and glared hatefully at him. “Like I'm going to let you spend a moment with my daughter, you limp-dicked piece of sh*t!”

“She’s my daughter too, and since the king just blew away your entire basis for keeping her from me…” He took sad*stic pleasure in watching the woman who had abused him for decades falter, and even more pleasure from the fact that he would be able to spend time with his little owlet again. “I’m thinking, based on the fact that the king just approved of my relationship… half and half?”

“90/10 and you can choke on a dick!” Stella shrieked as she rose up and pressed her face right into his. Normally he would have backed down but he was riding high on pure adrenaline and for the first time since his affair had begun he saw a future for both Blitz and Octavia in his life.

“Half and half and if you refuse I'll go for Full Custody. You can have her every other week just like I will or never again.” He glared at her. “You abused me, berated me, and treated me like garbage our entire marriage and the only reason I am willing to let you have her at all is because you never raised a hand to her… only me.”

“The trial is basically over.” She hissed, her voice like honey coated poison. “I’m close to winning already-”

“Except you were more obsessed with hurting me than winning.” His True Form began to leak out, his feathers going dark and his eyes glowing red. “Except now you have nothing to wield against me, so I will have my daughter back in my life and there's not a single damned thing you can do to me now.

“If you think this changes anything-”

“It changes everything!”

“f*ck you, Stolas!”

“Drop dead, Stella!”

As the custody battle reignited once again, Andrealphus sighed and wondered if he should disappear to the human realm and die like Malphas did.


Gravesfield was such a contrast from Hell that Lucifer never wanted to leave.

He hated his kingdom and he hated his Ring, but he was sort of bound to them by the right of screwing up more than anyone else in all existence. It was his penance to rule Hell, even if ruling it was awkward and uncomfortable knowing what Hell was… or had been, before everything.

And yet as he got out of the portal behind a couple of trees, hidden from view from any pesky humans, he found that it was so pleasant here: the greenery looked pretty and smelled nice, the flowers weren’t fanged mouths hungry to feed on flesh and blood, and the trees didn't wail endlessly in pain and agony.

He would stay here forever if he could.

The park had been picked out by Camila: It was a simple one near the edge of town that was shaped in a simple square. A nice path ran around it with trees on each corner and benches were evenly spaced for easy access.

As he looked across the street from the copse of trees he was in, he found that it was nice.

He skipped, actually skipped, his way across the empty street and carefully began to lay out a blanket. He’d had it made special: blood red velvet thread with a black pentagram carved into it, the royal symbol of the Morningstar Dynasty bare for all the world to see.

He’d made sure it was free of any runes or sigils like the official seal would have, leaving a simple blanket with a simple black pentagram and nothing more.

He sat down on the blanket and waited for her to arrive. His picnic basket, laden with human-safe foods that they could both eat, sat next to him and he began taking out grilled cheeses and some grapes. He then sighed and brought out the apple tart.

Apples were about the only human food he could work with, one last sick joke by the universe to make it so the one food that he hated more than anything else in existence was both the only thing he could work with and feed Camila.

He arranged his food on little plates and began the waiting game.

The park was full of people, different groups out and about for the day as they enjoyed the spring air. An elderly couple sat together and fed some non-ducks with bits of bird seed while a group of teens walked around the path just talking. Non-ducks flocked into a tree and began trilling out bird song while across the street a church began tolling its bell.

He carefully ignored the Church and its bell, it wouldn't due to be annoyed about Father’s newest specialist boy.

Before he could fall into a depressive spiral of thinking about Father, a maroon car began to park next to the park itself and a familiar woman got out, to which he perked up while his heart began to speed up. He smiled goofily and began to wave to which Camila, a bottle of wine in her hands, smiled and waved back. She was clad in a simple white blouse and some jeans but she also looked extremely pretty.

Then again, she was pretty everytime he had seen her so it tracked.

“I have to admit,” She said once she arrived and sat down on the blanket with only an odd glance thrown at it. “I’m glad you showed up after what happened last time.”

“What, that weirdo? Like he could make me lose interest.” He attempted to be suave and was rewarded with a blush and a smile. ‘Thank you Ozzie.’ he thought, mentally telling himself to give Ozzie a rubber duck in thanks for giving him tips for compliments that weren’t weird and cringey.

“Ay dios- you absolute rapscallion!”

He grinned and leaned back against the blanket. “Took me a bit to get everything ready but I got us some nice food to have.”

“Oh, some fresh grapes! They look lovely and- is that a tart?”

He may have hated apples and the fact they were in there, but he wouldn't say no to some light boasting. “It is indeed, baked it myself for this occasion.”

It was thick and crunchy, tanned on top and with a weave patterned baked into the crust as the spiced apples within were still moist and delicious… hopefully. If they weren't he was out of options. He hadn't made a tart in years, not since Charlie was a small child and he and Lilith were still happy.

He hoped he wasn't rusty.

She smiled at him. “It looks delicious, you did a good job.”

“Thanks, I haven't baked in a while but thought this would be a good opportunity.”

“You really didn't have to go all out though.”

He looked her in the eyes. “I think you deserve all my effort, though.”

Aha, there was the adorable ear tuck he had been looking for! She giggled to herself and uncorked the wine bottle as she fished two simple glasses out of her purse. He smirked at her and she responded by flicking some wine at his face.

“I haven’t been to this park in what feels like ages.” She said as she poured. “Usually people go to the main square but… well, I don't like the statues there so I've been avoiding them.”

“What’re the statues of? Some eye-searing art piece by a hack?” Oh, Hell was full of those and every last artist who made them was some rich prick who spent his time on earth bullying others. He didn't miss the Renaissance but he did miss the artists: they might have been assholes as well but they at least tended to make him some muscle-bound adonis who tempted people to the dark side with his stunning good looks.

He was the Sin of Pride, sue him.

Cam rolled her eyes before she explained. “Just some old witch hunter and his brother. The witch hunter seems like a real asshole so I avoid the area, especially since Lu- I mean, some random person I don't know keeps defacing the statue with he-their friends.”

He stared, she offered a shaky smile.

“Well, I'd rather not have a picnic underneath a witch hunter if it's all the same to you.” He got out one of his grilled cheeses and offered it to her. “I’m trying to keep this low key and simple after the café.”

“No one can crash through a window if there are no windows, true. Although we're in a public park so it also means no kisses for you.” She said with a sly smile and he responded by pouting at her, causing her to laugh.

“Here’s to a lovely picnic.” She said, raising her glass.

“To a lovely picnic indeed.” together they toasted their glasses and began to dig in.


Lucifer: Wants to rule the realm better now that he's no longer depressed

Also Lucifer: Spends half the time texting his crush like a sap

Next Chapter: The Picnic goes off without any problems whatsoever. No sirree, none at all. Not a single one.

Chapter 15: This sure is a lovely picnic


Camila and Lucifer have a lovely picnic


Im terribly sorry about not posting yesterday, theres no real reason for it, i just had a long Thursday evening so i didnt get any writing done in time and by the time i woke up it was past time i could do anything about it so i decided to just say screw it and release the chapter tomorrow... which is today.

Anyway, enjoy a lovely picnic as i both tease something cool, bring up Big J, and connect Lucifer and Camila in a neat way. Also, the ending has some new characters comign in

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The Saint James Catholic Church of Gravesfield was a simple stone building: a basic tower with a bell rose up over the chapel and a gazebo stood out front in a nice and simple patch of garden that stretched all the way down to the Saint Mary’s Episcopal Church.

Father Lucas, overseer of Saint James, was a middle aged man who was unfortunately going quite bald quite fast. A small nose held up by big eyes was hidden behind thick black glasses as the black-robed man made his way through the church to his private Office.

Morning Mass had gone off without a hitch, with many people turning out to hear the Good Word. Granted, Gravesfield was to Connecticut what Salem was to Massachusetts, but that did not mean the town was in the devil's hands! Since the Civil War Gravesfield had been a bastion of God, churches popping up left and right as the people looked for divine salvation in the wake of earthly suffering.

When Lucas had moved to Gravesfield he had taken to his task with gusto: This was a town with a long history of weirdness and it would fall to him to try and do his job well enough to try and stem that weirdness even slightly.

He had been counseled against taking the position, his colleagues back in Bridgeport warning him about some nonsense about the town supposedly being ‘cursed.’

Cursed? Hah.

Oh, for sure, the town had some bad apples in it like the devil child Luz. An unfortunate girl, very unfortunate. He had tried to teach her during Sunday School but she was so obsessed with her witchcraft and devilry, often interrupting his class to rave about witches and demons, that he had quietly but firmly asked the mother never to bring her back.

And then there was Hopkins. Lucas shook his head at the thought of that unfortunate man, the town was shocked that he had given into his delusions and tried to attack someone but most sort of thought that it was only a matter of time. People like that didn't stay in their lane very long, after all.

The rumors of a few years ago, how he had been investigated by the cops for illegal surveillance of people around town with intent to kidnap and actually got locked away in his own trap by… someone, well those rumors never quite died down.

Personally, though he would never admit such out loud, he was quietly happy the annoying and insufferable man was going to jail. He had sought confession from a neighboring priest for thinking such but to be fair, most people in town hated the man.

So Gravesfield had a few bad apples, that didn't make the town cursed like so many claimed. Personally he blamed the young person running the museum now: they were big into occult nonsense and devil worship. He had tried to petition the Town Council to shut down that accursed Hayride through Old Gravesfield but never had enough signatures.

The youth of today were incredibly doomed.

Father Lucas sat himself down into his good chair, a plush and soft thing that one could almost sink into, and despaired at the state of the world.

He didn't understand the youth and the more he saw the less he wanted to. The devil walked among the people of today and he was whispering into plenty of ears. And it was unfortunate how many were willing to listen.

He wondered what poor soul was listening to the devil even now… and what evil acts they were planning to commit together.


“Oh! Look, Cam: that one looks like a dog!”

“Oh, it does.”

Across the street from the Saint James Catholic Church of Gravesfield, Camila and Lucius were laying back on a lovely blanket and engaging in some cloud watching. The sun was bright and cheerful, the clouds were big and fluffy, and the air was neither too hot nor too cold.

All in all, it was a lovely day for a picnic

Lucius, she had found out, could make a very mean apple tart. It was somehow both crunchy and fluffy at the same time and the apples inside oozed with deliciousness. She had gone back for seconds, sue her: it was a nice tart and she was on a date.

They had finished their meals when Lucius had pointed out how one of the clouds looked like a duck. Personally, she still thought it looked like a swan but that had started her pointing out other clouds and now they just lay together and looked at the sky.

It was a lovely day indeed.

She remembered cloud watching with Manny, many years ago. It was something they often did when they got bored and just wanted to enjoy life. Once, those memories would have brought out a sharp sting of pain but now? Now she was making new memories.

Right now, she was happy as could be.

Her head was resting against his shoulder and together they sat on the odd red blanket that looked like something bought from an occult store. It was a nice blanket, though: Very nice and fluffy. She probably shoudl have felt bad about laying on something clearly occult in nature literally within yards of a church but she was having too much fun with her date to care.

“How did you get into Cosmic Frontier?” Lucius asked her suddenly and she blinked.

“What brought that on?”

“Just… just something I've been thinking of lately. My daughter- ah, well i brought her a box of her old books for her hotel and the Cosmic Frontier series was in there so I've had it on my mind recently.” He explained.

“My parents got me into it.” She said simply, thinking about her old mama and papa. There were good times to be had with them, many good times… didn't make up for how it ended but it was what it was.

He looked at her and said nothing, just staring without judgment. She was grateful for that, she truly was.

“My father…” She blinked as a cloud that looked like two hockey players colliding into one another passed them by overhead. “He would read me the stories before bedtime, a whole chapter a night. It’s actually how I learned to read if you believe it.”


“Mhmm.” She nodded. “I devoured the books like a drug, they were so fascinating to me. I always wanted to go out onto another world… to meet new species and civilizations.”

In a way, she had. The Boiling Isles counted as another world, and Witch and Demonkind counted as new species. It was amazing that her daughter was living the dream she had had as a kid herself. God above, she would always be proud of her Luz.

“That's amazing, Cam.” He shifted around a bit. “You… don't mind if I call you Cam, do you?”

She shook her head with a smile. “A few people call me that, actually. Though I need something for you if we’re breaking out pet names already.”

She pretended to think about it for a moment before smiling. “How about… Lucy?”

He looked at her and began to chuckle to himself, mirth in his eyes. “That's actually what my friends call me, yeah.” He looked at her warmly. “Like I told someone a week and a half ago: The best people call me Lucy.”

What was it with this charming man and his silver tongue? She giggled to herself and the mother of three pushed on his arm in mock annoyance. “You must have a lot of friends if you’re this smooth, huh?”

Silence met her. It went on longer than she expected and she turned to look at him. He had an almost pained look on his face as he just stared at the clouds, drawing his knees up slightly.

“I wasn’t… the best at making friends. Never have been.” Lucius admitted, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “Oh I had Oz and the gang but other than them I've always had trouble making connections. Like, the last time I tried it was with a… family friend of mine I suppose…”


Thousands of years ago, through the deserts of Judea, a man walked through the dunes and endless plains.

He was deeply bronze skinned and dark haired, a simple shawl over his thick black locks and threadbare robes over the rest of him. His body was slightly emaciated as he kept walking: for forty days and forty nights he had fasted and kept to his faith and faith alone.

His name was Yeshua of Nazareth, son of Him On High. And one day he would be known as the King of Kings.

He was starving, he was dehydrated, and he was physically weak as he kept to his fasting and his walk… but his spirit? That was as indomitable as the mountains.

Yeshua would have been fine with this, would have been fine with his vigil and his place in the universe had it not been for the limpet currently clinging to his legs as he dragged them along.

“Please!” The black robed and extremely pale figure begged, clinging to Yeshua’s legs as he was pulled through the sands. “Just have one adventure with me!”

“Leave me alone, Lucifer.”

“Look, you'redoing this for dad and I get that! But i need more friends in my life and Mammon gave me some advice about how to influence people-”

“I said leave me alone, Lucifer.”

“Friends like gifts! I could get you some gold- Oh, or we could go down to Rome and paint the town red! Have you ever seen Rome? Oh, they have the best little bakery this side of the world-”

Ah, bread again. Lucifer was not original in his tricks. “I told you before: you won't tempt me with your devil bread.”

“You’re literally starving right now!”

“It’s necessary.” And it was, he had always known he was different but after the baptism, and the voice of God coming down to proclaim him the Son, he sort of figured out that things would only get weirder from there.

But that was fine, he was a patient man. And if he could save even one person he would be happy with things.

Lucifer clearly disagreed. “What, because Father said so? I could make you a f*cking King over the Mediterranean bro, what can he do?”

“Not cause the eternal damnation of my soul, for one.”

Lucifer paused, considered his options, and then clung harder to his legs and cried.

“I’m so lonely right now!”

Yeshua sighed.

“Lilith is off on a music tour and everyone else in the gang is too busy! I just want a friend!”

Yeshua sighed harder.

“All i have are ducks! It’s becoming unhealthy! Please hang out with me and get a drink with me, please please please please-'' Okay, this had gone so far beyond pathetic it was now annoying.

“Lucifer, get thee behind me and leave me alone!”

Finally, thankfully, he was able to shake the limpet off and move on, leaving the devil crying awkwardly in the sands as he slowly rolled down a dune. He felt bad and part of him yearned to go down and see if the Deceiver was alright, but then he remembered that he was literally the Devil and would probably be fine.

Finally, peace and quiet-

Trumpets played out, a beam of light shining down as three angels descended from on high. They were clad in their true and angelic forms… which for some reason looked like birds.

“We meet again, Yeshua. Though you do not remember it.” The tallest of them, a regal and gray skinned woman with thick pale ringlets of hair coming down to her mid back and eyes all over her avian form. She was taller than any man he had ever seen, possibly even taller than Goliath had been in the stories his father had read him from scripture. “I am Sera, Head Seraphim by the will of Him On High.”

“I am Uriel, Seraphim of the Northern Waters by the will of Him On High.” a colossal blue bird like creature stood in pristine white robes, a dozen eyes along the bottom that seemed to stare deep into his soul. Shining light bled out from all around their bird-like head and two wings spread out from the back of their headcrest and covered their eyes.

“And I'm Michael, Archangel over Judea by the will of Him On High and Virtue of Humility.” Next to her was- That was Lucifer. That was just Lucifer with blue cheek marks instead of red ones. He was clad in bright white and gold robes and he was… rather short. “You have done well to resist the temptations of the Fallen One. He is cunning and clever.”

Cunning and clever? That guy? Yeshua blinked and looked confused. “Was… was it supposed to be hard?”

The three of them laughed and slowly began to lay out a bountiful feast summoned out of thin air. After forty days of fasting he would admit to being a bit peckish. “For anyone else it would have but for the Son? We are proud of you.” Sera beamed down at him, her beak smiling as she summoned a massive pitcher of crystal clear water.

“You resisted the Devil himself, not many can claim such.”

“I mean,” he looked around awkwardly. “All I really did was drag him around for a few days while he tried to bribe me into being his friend.”

The angels all began to laugh like he had told a funny joke and now he just felt a bit awkward… and also like he was going to probably tell people the temptation had been an actual temptation rather than whatever the heck that was back there.


“I… came off as needy and desperate and he might have taken it the wrong way. He certainly held it against me if the things his friends said about me are anything to go by.” He coughed into a fist and looked extremely uncomfortable.

“Let's just say I'm not good at connecting with people and leave it at that.” Lucius awkwardly tugged at his collar. “Like, I know I can come off as a bit… much. And that turns people off slightly.”

He laughed bitterly to himself for a moment before turning to her. “You’ve probably never gone through something like that.”

“Look out guys, it's Crazy Cami!”

“Urgh, she’s always reading those dumb nerd books of hers.”

“You think you’re sooo much better than us, huh four-eyes?”

“Whoops, were those your glasses, Crazy Cami? Sorry for stepping on them- oh no, I stepped on them again! And again! And again…”

She swallowed, her mouth dry as the memories rushed back all at once. She had swore she put those days behind her but… maybe she never would.

“Growing up… the world wasn't very nice to me.” She finally admitted to the third soul in her entire life who would understand. “I wasn't… the most popular. I didn't really have much of anything related to a social life until… until Manny.”

She smiled. “He was one of my first friends… my first everything, really.”

Lucius stared deep into her soul and she felt… she felt awkward and weird around him. “I'm truly sorry.” He said simply.

“It was many years ago, now.” She waved away the apology, her expression calm. “I’m, well, I’m okay.”

“Camila, you are one of the most fascinating women I've ever met.” He said and she began to blush again as he grabbed ahold of her hands and gently held them. “You would… you would do well in my hometown, i think. They would all like you there.”

“You think so, huh?”

“Michael and Gabriel, my siblings, they would have been lucky to know you.” He looked serious as the words tumbled out one after another. “I truly wish we knew each other growing up, I would have been your friend in a heartbeat.”

“And I like to think I would have been yours.”

They smiled at one another, warmth in their gazes as they held hands. It was nice, being understood.

He leaned back against the blanket and just stared at her. “It sucks though, not being able to connect with people.”

He got it, he truly got it. “Literally nobody got my interests except my parents. Do you know how much I had to explain to people that no, it wasn't an army officer I was dressed up as but a Stellar Union Exploration Captain for Halloween?”

“Oh don't get me started on outfits!” He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “Oh, first it starts off as: Oh, you should dress more like us if you want to fit in. But then they ask why you're dressed so weirdly and it's like: because you told me to!?”

She rolled her eyes. “I remember me and Manny got invited to a party once. Simple Halloween one, no biggie. Except the girl who invited us only told me that it was a costume party so she could laugh.”

“Sounds like a bitch.” He winced and looked apologetically to her.

She laughed. “No, she was a bitch. I would have blown up at her had Manny not broken away from his friends and did a rush job to look like Dr. Borg.”

“Ha, I always thought Dr. Borg looked cool.”

“He is cool.” She nodded. “A horrifying villain, but cool. We pretty much ditched the party and I think his friends lambasted her for pulling a stupid stunt like that.”

“Oh, I remember the first time the Archivists and I brought up a design idea to Father and his team. We were so excited about building something cool but we got told it was ‘too out there.’ so the plan was scrapped.”

He was building up steam, his words bitter with memory. “It was always like that: Oh, you're too out there! Your head is stuck in the clouds! You need to face facts and get with the program! It was apparently my fault I had big dreams about how everything was put together and nobody wanted to listen.”

“Urgh, your dad sounds kind of like a jerk.”

Lucius laughed awkwardly while the church bells around town began to ring out. “I wouldnt go that far-”

She shrugged, but kept thinking it. He sounded like he would get along with her parents. And the less she thought about them the better.

“Manny was a bit of a dreamer too, you know?” She smiled as she got lost in her own memories of her late husband. “He always wanted to do amazing things and live life tot he fullest. I love him so much.”

“Nice to know you had someone in your corner.” Lucius looked contemplative. “I… i had my father in there once but-”

A scream from a thousand mouths echoed out as the body kept falling into the abyss down below. Flesh grew out at a rapid pace as the thing that was once the third woman turned into horror beyond belief. Cracks spread through her body, red light spilling out as her body was transformed into something new.

Something horrible.

“That wasn't supposed to happen.” Lilith said, shock in her voice. She’s staring utterly transfixed by the falling giant that was once her replacement “It wasn't… she wasn't supposed to become- that.”


He and Lilith looked up at the light far above, blinded by its radiance. He shivered, for the first time since his creation there was something besides love and patience in Father’s voice.

Pure and utter Horror.


“I might have screwed up royally and gotten kicked out of the house.” He said, his voice odd and tight as he looked away from her.

She rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned against him. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“... yeah, me too.”

There they sat in silence as they just enjoyed the breeze flowing across them and flowering trees all around.

“Tell me something amazing about you.” She turns him slightly so she can look at him. She wants to try and get his mind off of things and this would be the best way to do so in her mind. “Something that you're passionate and interested in.”

He smiles at her, grateful for the distraction from whatever is going on in his mind. “I play the Fiddle.”

She blinked before a happy smile comes across her face. “Really?”

“Yep.” He's growing more energetic now, turning to face her fully as he rambles happily. “I took it up out of boredom one day and I never put it back down. Amazing instrument, utterly amazing!” He coughs slightly, an embarrassed smile on his face. “I… might have actually thought about bringing it today to serenade you?”

She laughs, her cheeks pink at the thought. “I’m- I'm truly flattered. I’ve never had anyone serenade me before.”

He looks cross at this. “Well, that's just a crime. You deserve serenading.” He reaches into one of his pockets before pausing, glancing at her, and then awkwardly taking his hand out and patting the pocket.

She’s too busy giggling and twirling her hair like she was a teenager again. “I would… I would love to hear you play for me one day.”

He then, to her amazement, plops his head down on her lap and stares up at her with big green eyes she's feeling herself get lost in. “I guess i could play on our next date… speaking of-”

“Yes.” She rolls her eyes with a chuckle. “Yes, we’re getting another date. I'm starting to like you.”

“Enough to call me a boyfriend?”

She pauses at that.

That is… it makes I all real, if she were being honest. Lucius was nice, he was charming, and he understood her like only Manny had before. She was falling for him if she continued being honest.

She hadn't had anyone in her life since him, and now she did. It was such an odd and confusing thing for her but she did know that she was feeling younger and desired like she hadn't been in years.

“Yes.” She breathed, staring at him. “Enough to call you my boyfriend.”

He closed his eyes and seemed to preen slightly, almost like a cat or a bird.

He leaned up and seemed to prepare himself to say something-

She cut him off. She leaned forward, placed a hand against his cheek, and placed her lips against his in a kiss.

His eyes widened slightly before closing, an arm reaching around to rest against her back as they fell to the blanket together. And there the two would continue making out for quite awhile.

One could say that the date went off without a hitch.


The Gravesfield Bus Depot was only a mile out of the town proper, along the Interstate. Short and squat, it was as long as it needed to be.

The bus from Hartford to Gravesfield finally began to drive off, leaving behind the very few passengers who both wanted to travel between the towns and also didnt have access to a personal vehicle of their own.

Here, however, behind the building and inside the massive dumpster, three figures began to rifle through the garbage.

“Cletus, make sure that those old crackers don't get smushed.”

“I’ll be fine Collin, just make sure that sandwich stays above the trash line.”

“Ooh, ooh! I got some old cookies!”

Three slightly glowing shorties were rifling through the garbage like racoons as they hunted for anything and everything they could possibly eat. They were Cherubs, the servants of Heaven by the will of Him On High.

Or, at least, they used to be Cherubs. Now it was a little… unclear what they were.

Cletus, the toddler like Cherub, was ginger haired and of glowing pale skin. A simple yellow shirt underneath red overalls was all the Heavenborn angel needed alongside his wings and halo. Currently, his clothing was ragged and dirty from a year spent traveling from place to place like a hobo.

Collin, the purplish sheep Cherub, was soft and fluffy as was his need: he was once the cherished therapy animal for many Winners before he felt his services were needed elsewhere. Though he had spent many nights berating himself for leaving that after everything. The purple sheep Cherub was clad in a simple turquoise shirt and button pants as he flew in and out of the garbage like a dolphin.

Keenie, the yellowish sheep Cherub, was the last of the trio and currently was holding a discarded sleeve of Oreos like she had won a medal. Considering the ragged state of her yellow dress and how dirty she and the rest of them were it might as well have been one.

“Alright gang.” Cletus said, gathering his squad together as the put down their food for the next week. “We have acquired: One sleeve of Oreos, one half eaten sandwich, and one sleeve of slightly broken crackers.”

They stared at their food for the foreseeable future and began to cry.

“We’re going to starve!”

“I never should have left the therapy program!”

“This is all those Imps fault!”

The three of them hissed angrily, remembering that horrible night. They spent all their time trying to convince one old man not to kill himself and their reward was that he died by their technical hands and Heaven blamed them for it, so now they were fallen ones.

Except not really.

If they were true fallen ones, they would have ended up in Hell alongside the Morningstar but instead they were simply confined to Earth were they were stuck for… however long Heaven was going to keep being mad.

Now they had but one task: Find something to convince Heaven to let them back in and never set foot on the Earth ever again.

Cletus, getting his sobbing under control, finally offered a shaky smile to his compatriots. “Alright gang, this might be… incredibly bleak but we’re still kicking so that's something!”

“How long will that continue?” Keenie said bitterly, eating an Oreo slowly and angrily.

“As long as we have each other we’re going to be okay!”

“How?” Collin asked and Cletus faltered.

That was the question, wasn't it? What would get Heaven’s attention long enough to let them back in?

It had to be big, it had to be juicy, and it hopefully would have something to do with those wretched Imps who ruined everything.

Cletus looked up at the big friendly sign, a massive welcome sign that held a picture of two brothers on one side and a witch on the other while in between were the simple words: Welcome To Gravesfield!

“I have a good feeling about this town. We’ll find what we’re looking for here for sure!” Cletus said happily, before he descended on the half eaten sandwich like a piranha.


Plot twist: nothing bad happens on the date and they're just having a good time.

I realized halfway through that they deserved that before the Raeda Train comes barreling into the station and we pit two band geeks against each other. So, this date gets to go off without a hitch. You could almost say that I... subverted your expectations :P

And now we enter into the story the three stooges of Heaven. May they finally get back home.

Next Chapter: Camila and Eda talk about the upcoming Double Date while Lucifer asks Mammon for advice about his cover story

Chapter 16: Of Greed and Pets


As Hell reacts to societal changes, Lucifer and Mammon have a talk about his cover story. Meanwhile, Camila gushes about her new boyfriend to her coworkers.


So you might have noticed that i didnt update at all last week, this was because i took my time off for spring break and recuperated.

I had noticed a few problems popping up the last few chapters and thought the best way to deal with that was too take some time off and get the creative reserves back up to optimal levels. I am now hungry for writing like never before and have so many different ideas bursting through my head the next few chapters are going to be great (hopefully)

Anyway, this *was* going to end with Eda and Camila talking about the double date but then i took a week off, thought up some new plans, and went in a different direction. The next chapter is going to be interesting.

Anyway, i also want to say something: last night we hit 50k views. I dont even know how to properly thank you all for that. This is my most popular story by a wide margin and... and i never expected to see something this popular written by me. Thank you... thank you all. I had a chapter planned for a present to commemorate but then i took a week off so instead ill just go full steam ahead with everything. Please enjoy the following chapter.

TW: Mammon being... Mammon.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Unlike the rest of Hell, Greed had many rules.

You needed rules to break them, after all.

The smoggy, industrial pit of despair and hopelessness was, without fail, the single worst place to be in all of Hell. Thick black smog was pumped out of forests of factory chimneys to make a morass of black clouds that mixed with the ambient energy of Hell itself to make for a display of oily sky that shined like gasoline on water.

There were many districts in Greed: Mafia town, Cartel City, the Banking Borough… all of them separated by thick, heavily polluted rivers and canals that lead out from the many oceans and lakes that sent water throughout the seven rings themselves. Vast dams and water purifiers were built in Lust, the ring below Greed, to ensure the vast array of snitches, refuse, pollution, trash, and industrial waste did not contaminate the Ring below.

Greed was a horrid place to be in, worse still to live in.

Mammon, the Sin of Greed and jester of Hell, had constructed his Ring to be a massive stage performance of cops and robbers: It was a massive play that had an audience of one. Enforcers of Mammon’s will walked the streets to ensure that no crime was being committed without Mammon’s say so, while criminals did their sinful deeds while keeping an eye out for anyone not giving Mammon a cut of the profits.

Banks rose and fell, sending their money to the coffers of Mammon, vast corporations warred bothy secretly and openly, while criminal organizations of every type and flavor did every type of vice. All of it by design. Everyone in Greed gave Mammon a cut of whatever pie they were baking, and he gave out a pittance in return to the many residents of Greed who in turn used it to fuel their endless desire for profit… which in turn sent money back into the Sin of Greed’s coffers. It was a cycle without end.

At the dead center of the Ring was a colossal spider’s head shaped colosseum. It was a massive and gaudy thing capable of holding tens of thousands in attendance while the Spider himself watched carefully from his web above the crowd. The Cirque Du Capital was as terrifying as it was beautiful and It was here that the jester of Hell made his home, and it was here that the vast wealth of Hell was gathered.

When the Sin of Greed was not holding pageants and performances he was deep within the halls of the Cirque Du Capital to count his vast wealth, plan his next performance, or devise some new money-making scheme to give out to the greedy and the desperate of his realm. It was here that he planned the downfall of corporate empires, the staging of grand schemes for wealths sake, and which gang war or cartel battle to allow or disallow for none were allowed to battle and potentially damage that which was Mammon’s without his direct say so.

It was a realm ruled like a Gangland empire, taxed like nothing above or below, and where the hundreds of thousands who called it home were there either by choice or by lack of choice.

One shudders to imagine what horrors of finance and business were being planned out within the halls of the Cirque. What grand schemes of money lust were being invented that would reshape the face of Greed?


“-king news out of Lust as resident pop sensation Verosika was seen having dinner with an Imp!” A group of glamorous succubi and incubi were arranged in a half circle on a glitzy couch before a live studio audience, the succubus who talked sounded shocked and a little disgusted as she read the report while behind her an image of Verosika Mayday was holding hands with an Imp Woman with curling horns and a crossed out brand on her forehead. The interlocked hands were blurred out. “The two women were seen… Asmodeus forgive me, they were seen holding hands and giggling like chaste maidens! I think there’s even an image of… of Verosika- no, i can’t say it!”

The succubus shivered and hugged herself while the incubus next to her looked like a shell-shocked veteran of war. “We wont show the image, as it’s very… romantic in nature and we care about our viewers too much. However: There exists ungraphic images of Verosika being spoon fed cake by an imp while they both blush at one another.”

The hellborn of Lust gasped out, horrified at the thought. One incubus passed out in a stupor and was carted out by medics.

The talk show of Hell was one of many, and yet since the King's nuclear announcement at the Royal Convocation all of Lust had been obsessed with watching all the new relationships that either formed or finally came out of hiding.

Verosika being in a relationship with an Imp was exciting and a show of how Lust overcomes any obstacle… until, of course, it was revealed she might have been in Love.

“We have sent many news Hellhounds to try and find out any information at all about the mysterious… is it Barb or Barbie? Either way, Barb or whatever was seen entering a café alongside Verosika so we sent our lovely camera demons to bring you the scoop.” One of the Incubi on the couch asked as the screen behind them showed a shaky image of Vortex, head of Verosika’s bodyguard detail, viciously and brutally beating a bunch of paparazzi to near death. “We were… unsuccessful.”

Silence descended before one of the hosts turned to the camera and put on a megawatt smile. “Speaking of… Our Show: Lust In The Morning, needs a new set of camera demons so if you want to apply-”

“You seeing this sh*t, Crim?”

Deep within the halls of the Cirque Du Capital was a room filled with money of every type. Gold coins formed vast pyramids while mountains of dollars rose high into the vaulted ceiling above. On a throne made from gold bars, Mammon reclined and glared hatefully at the massive diamond-encrusted television before him. The four-armed jester scratched at his pale white face and snarled as he threw a wad of hundreds at the screen.

“I don't know what Lucy was thinking: Now everyone thinks Imps are worth something!” He threw his hands up in the air and stared at the Imp next to the television. “You believe that sh*t, Crim?”

Crimson Colorionis, head of Mafia Town and the undisputed kingpin of the Greed Crime Syndicate, twitched one of his eyes as the Imp stood with his hands behind his back. The right hand of Mammon himself just grit his teeth and bore it. “I wouldn't know anything about that, boss.”

“I mean, now Fizzi thinks he’s hot sh*t! He sent me- do you know what he sent me?” Mammon turned to Crimson and held out a simple and dainty looking letter with the words ‘Eat sh*t! Love, Fizzi and Ozzie.’ above a bunch of hearts. “Look at what he sent me, Crim!”

“Looks like he’s disrespecting you, boss.” Crimson said carefully, only half listening. As the right hand of Mammon he was basically the emotional dart-board for the spider as he vented and raved about whatever pissed him off that day.

For the last few days, however, he’d been dragged in to listen to Mammon rant about uppity imps and how they were destroying society. Crimson, as an Imp himself, was only slightly offended.

“Like… take a look at this sh*t!” Mammon flipped the channel.


“- to announce that Phenex of the Ars Goetia has officially declared he is actually seeing his Butler!” The ram headed demon announced idly scratched at his beard as an image of the Phoenix like Goetia was strolling down the promenade of Envy with an imp in a high-waisted tux and top hat.

The ram demon frowned as he looked down at his papers. “I guess… you know what? Screw it, so am I! I’m in love with an Imp and I wont hide it anymore! Gregory, if you’re watching this, I'm so sorry for pushing you away. It was wrong of me and I want to try again out in the ope-”

“You see this sh*t, Crim?” Mammon asked as he turned once more to the only Imp in the room. Behind Crimson, the two Aquatic hellborn looked extremely uncomfortable as they awkwardly shuffled in place and tugged at their collars.

“Yes boss… yes, I see it.” Crimson growled out.

“Next thing you know, they’ll be pushing for rights for Hellhounds.” Mammon snarked as he flipped the channel once more.


"-proud to announce the start of this campaign!” Beelzebub, the Party Queen of Gluttony, said as she stood before a massive crowd of Hellhounds. “Imps are finally getting their time in the spotlight and that's great, but we shouldn't forget that Hellhounds are demons too!”

The four armed vulpine Sin looked serious as she pulled a massive, well-built hellhound towards her. “I am honored to announce the president of the newly formed Hellhound Rights Society and the king of my heart, my boyfriend of several years: Vortex!”

Beelzebub looked happy as she clapped furiously, the hundreds of hellhounds behind her howling in appreciation as a bashful Vortex took the microphone and looked out at the sea of reporters.

“Thank you all, I want to take a moment to talk about what Hellhound Rights would mean-”

A remote crashed into the Television and knocked it back onto the gold-plated ground. The screen shattered into thousands of pieces and the television broke in half as it fizzled and sparked on the ground. A side door opened and a team of Fizzibots in maid and butler outfits came out and carted the television away.

Mammon pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Do you know what this will mean, Crim?”

“No, Boss.”

“Less money for me! I'll have to put out protective rights for imps and sh*t! And now Hellhounds? This will cut into my bottom line, Crim!”

“Of course, boss.”

Mammon glared at the Imp who didn't even look bothered by it. Crimson was always too big for his britches and usually he would enjoy throwing him at pesky problems like cartels and gangs cutting into his tithes or Businesses and Banks not paying protection money.

Right now it was just pissing him off, however.

“Why are you even here, Crim?”

An ugly look passed the imps face. “I want to take a leave of absence for a bit to… tie up a loose end or three up in Pride.” He looked murderous as he clenched a fist tight. “I’ve been humiliated too many times and I plan to rectify that.”

Mammon blinked, looked at the imp, and then just co*cked his head. “You’re not thinking of going after your sh*tty son again, are you?”

Crimson was annoyingly silent.

Of course. Of course it was about Mixxie, or Moxxo, or whatever Crimson’s son was named. Honestly, Mammon didn't give enough of a sh*t about him to remember. Crimson had been so annoying about everything, always going on about his family troubles week after week. If you asked Crimson, his son was both the worst demon alive and a bane on his soul while also being a menace to Hellish society and a sign of the degradation of Hell itself at the same time.

Now, personally, he didn't care about Mixxo or whatever except that one day he would take over the family business and run the Crime Syndicate for him. He'd taken several reports about his progress from Crimson over the years until finally he got tired of hearing the Imp bitch about how worthless and pathetic Moxxer was and just cut off the reports.

There would be time to teach the boy properly once Crimson croaked, after all. He'd done a good job with Fizzi, raising and molding him into a superstar before Ozzie came in and ruined everything (Note to self, do not introduce the boy to another Sin, they ruined everything) so he could do the same with… with…

Moxxie, that was it.

Now personally, Mammon wanted for his businesses to be run tight. Crimson going after his stupid son in a blood vendetta would be detrimental to everything and after Ozzie stole Fizzi away, he didn't want to take any chances on another slice of the Greed pie falling out. And Crimson killing Moxxie when he didn't have any other kids because he and his wife had hated one another (which was a real shame, she had been a pretty little thing. Real shame what happened to her, real shame indeed.) Would lead to no one being In charge of the Criminal World upon Crimsons passing.

And that wouldn't do at all.

Mammon opened his mouth to tell off his subordinate and deny his request before the door opened and a butler imp looked in. “Sir, you have a visitor.”

“I told you: no visit-”

Before he could gather up enough money to throw at the butler, or even tell him off for failing his one task, the door opened fully and in stepped Lucifer Morningstar.

The King of Hell was in his full white suit and black knee-high boots as he stepped carefully around piles of money on the floor. His top hat/crown was shined to a fault as it caught the light and caused Mammon to squint his eyes. His cane tapped down hard against the hard floor as the King strode up before the golden throne.

“Hello, Mammon.”

Mammon sighed, this was going to take awhile. “Hello, Lucy.” He waved away Crimson and his mafiosos as he gave his full attention to the King. “Crim, get lost.”

“So can I-?”

“You can harass his friends all you like but the boy stays alive, Crim.” Crimson looked absolutely vicious as he and his goons left the Vault. He made a mental note to send a few thugs to look out for things and make sure Crimson didn't go overboard, since he absolutely knew the Imp would go and do that if left alone, and reclined on his massive pile of money like a dragon as he looked down at the King.

“What brings you here, Lucy?”

Lucifer tapped his cane and a chair made of black wood rose out of the floor, the Morningstar emblem emblazoned on the top of the seat. “A friend can't check in on another friend without needing something?” The king smiled awkwardly as he looked at Mammon.

Mammon crossed his arms and frowned. “You told me, and I'm quoting you word for word here, ‘Until that sellout hack shuts down his shameless ripoff he’s dead to me.’

Now Lucifer frowned. “Loo Loo Land is a joke, Mammon. It’s an insult to the very theme park I myself made.”

“It has nothing to do with you, Lucy. It’s spelled with O’s. Can’t sue me for O’s.”

“You literally have an exact replica of my entire head built into one of the rides!”

“Coincidence.” He crossed his four arms even harder as he glared.

Lucifer was now vibrating in anger as he barely restrained himself from jumping forward in anger. “Appley the Apple? You couldn't even bother coming up with a different name! Appleton the Apple Knight was Charlie’s favorite mascot and you just… blatantly stole him for your stupid rip-off!”

Bringing up Charlie? That was a low blow, he actually puffed up in anger and gripped the golden bars of his money throne tightly in rage. “Appley the Apple is completely and legally distinct from Appleton the Apple Knight, for one thing they don't have armor or a sword.”

“It’s a giant, talking apple!”

He snarled. “Coincidence.”

This was a familiar argument between he two of them: Loo Loo Land versus Lu Lu World. Mammon had built Loo Loo Land as a cheap money making scheme. Did he know that Lu Lu World was built for his beloved niece when he made Loo Loo Land? No, he didn't. Would that have altered his course when coming up with the park? Probably.

Of course, he was in too deep now and couldn't admit defeat or wrong-doing in front of Hell least the vast pyramid of power he had built into Greed Society turn on him as a sign of weakness.

Lucifer breathed out of his nose harshly. “You know what? No, I'm not doing this again. I’ve already told you how I feel about your ripoff.” The king of Hell looked angry before he pinched the bridge of his nose tightly and breathed hard. “I wouldn't have come if I didn't need you so let’s just cut the bullsh*t and start over.”

Lucifer looked up and plastered a smile on his face. “How’re you doing, Mammon?” It was the most blatantly false and fake smile anyone had ever seen and yet he didn't care. He now had a far more willing audience to listen to his many woes because Crimson was… fine, but he was an underling.

He preferred bitching to his peers.

“Absolutely terrible.” He slumped and sighed. “My bottomless well of money up and ran away on me with Ozzie and now I don't have any leverage over them since you announced Imps are cool now.”

“I mean,” Lucifer looked uncomfortable. “I’m not going to apologize for that or anythi-”

“Glim and Glam- love them, I really do, but they just don't have the sheer star power that Fizzi did. The Fizzibots are disbanded because Ozzie is being a dick about copyright and now I have to make enough Glimbots and Glambots to shore up the difference but nobody who already has a Fizzi wants one and those who don't just want a Fizzi- which I can’t make anymore!” He raved, his voice leaking a bit of power as his form shifted and grew, his true form breaking out just a bit as lighting sparkled around him.

“I’m, er, sorry about that?” Lucifer tried.

Mammon glared balefully. “I don't want to talk about my money problems right now- look at this place!” He spread his right arms across the room, gesturing at the near endless piles of wealth. “You know how much money is in here?”

Lucifer opened his mouth-

Billions, Lucy! I only have tens of billions!” He sighed and sank into his chair. “I should have hundreds of billions, not… not that.”

Lucifer just awkwardly sat in his chair. “Charlie says hi, by the way.” He said, moving the subject away from his money problems.

Mammon smiled, thoughts of his beloved niece warming his black and shriveled heart as he sat back up in his golden money throne. “Little Charlie said hi, did she?”

He had a soft spot for the princess, always had. She was sweet and charming and normally Mammon would have dismissed her completely like he did many of the other Sins but she had a backbone of pure steel and a heart as greedy as any other.

Oh yes, Charlie was greedy and envious as they came. Not for material things like wealth and riches, if she had wanted as deeply as she did for such things he might have respected her less than he actually did. Mammon craved money and wealth like nothing else but Charlie? She had her sights set on more ephemeral things.

She wanted a better life for demonkind. Sinner and Hellborn alike, she craved for the universe to bend to her whims and bring joy and happiness to Hell. She wanted a happy day in hell, she wanted it so deeply and so completely that the Sin of Greed couldn’t help but cheer her on.

Hers was a cup that could never be filled, never be satisfied unless Paradise came for Demonkind itself. She wanted, and wanted, and wanted some more and her greed for a happy day in hell was astonishing to witness.

It would never work, because Hell was a sh*thole and always would be, but for someone to Want as strongly as she did? Well, he couldn't help but nod along and pass her some pocket change every now and again for her efforts to achieve her deep wants.

It was the least he could do for a fellow aficionado of Greed, after all.

“How’s the little squirt doing, Lucy?” He reclined in his golden money throne and crooked his fingers together, grinning up towards one of his many golden pyramids as he hummed. “Haven’t seen Charlie since she came by asking for some starter capital for her hotel.”

Lucifer blinked. “She told you about the Hotel?”

“Course she did!” He spread his arms wide, sending a pile of cash down towards the floor. “Told her it was a crapshoot but she made her case so I gave her some dosh to begin with so she could invest in getting ahead of the competition.”

“There’s… literally no other service offering redemption.” Lucifer explained. “There is, by default, no competition.”

“I know!” Mammon wiped a tear away from one of his eyes. “Baby’s first monopoly- I’m so proud! First she corners the market, gets those ingrates to fall in line with her redemption plan, and then next thing you know she has a corporate empire of hotels throughout Pride and beyond! I’ve already got several factories on standby waiting to start making merch for her hotels. You want a Charlie Shirt?” Mammon twirled a finger, summoned a small portal of green lightning, and pulled out a bundle of cloth before unrolling it and holding up a simple T-shirt with a cartoon Charlie on it giving a thumbs up and saying “You Can Do It!”

“I’ll take several, actually.” Lucifer smiled and flung a gold bar out of his pocket into one of the many money piles around him and Mammon nodded, appeased.

“She still into that weird nerd sh*t from Earth?” He asked, remembering her nerd phase like it was yesterday. She had read them cover to cover back when they were the new hotness on Earth. Personally, Mammon didn't give two sh*ts about what humans did or thought but she had found out if she annoyed him enough with her interests he would pay her to go away and so would do that regularly to get an extra allowance.

He was so proud of her… and so damn tired of hearing about damnable Captain Avery and his stupid adventures in space.

“She hasn't read those in forever, actually.” Lucifer scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “I’ve… actually been reading them myself because I may have told someone I'm a fan and now I'm stuck in a lie.”

Mammon grinned. “Ah, the consequences of your own actions.” He scoffed. “Never suffered them myself so I wouldn't know.”

“Yeah, except they’re a bit more interesting than I thought: you know, the science isn't that half baked and Captain Avery is actually quite interesting if you get to know him more and his friendship with O'Bailey is quite fun to read about as they go about trying to salvage the fractured peace between Earth and Jupiter-”

“So really, I'd love to shoot the sh*t with ya Lucy, but I really wanna know why you’re here.” The spider cut off the rambling king and simply stared him down, crooking his fingers together as he mentally began filtering out anything and everything to do with Cosmic Frontier.

“Well… if you must know, I actually need some advice.”

Mammon blinked and cleaned out an ear. “Really?”


“... why?”

“Because nobody knows about business more than you.”

Mammon paused and then leapt off his throne, sending it tumbling into a massive pile of money as he flung both his left arms over Lucifer’s shoulders before lifting him up and shaking him back and forth. “Why didn't you say so! Always knew the best way out of a depression was money! Whoever said money can’t buy happiness is full of sh*t.”

“That’s not-”

“There’s not a soul alive that knows more about money and business than me, Lucy!” Mammon grinned, his razor fangs glinting off the light of the gold around him. “Why, I taught many a scholar of the wealthy arts! There was this one group of people who wanted to go to some place called ‘India’ and start up a trading company so I told them how to do it right-”

“Mammon, if you could-”

“-Then I got summoned again by someone named Adam Smith, he wanted to learn all my secrets so I told him all about how I ran things in Greed. He got so interested in it he wrote a book about it! Can't remember what it’s called but-”

“Mammon!” Lucifer finally got a word in edgewise, dusting down his coat. “I… appreciate the enthusiasm but I simply want to know how to run a business as an executive.”

“That all?” the Sin of Greed snorted in amusem*nt. “I'll teach you everything you need to know about how to be successful in business.”

Lucifer nodded and sat back down in his chair. “I might have told someone I ran my own business empire and now I need to know everything I can to make sure the lie holds.”

Mammon smiled. “Alrighty, then let's get to learning!”

He sat his massive bulk down on the nearest pile of gold and got out a ruler, waving it back and forth like a baton. “Now, the first thing you’re gonna need to know about being successful is how to launder money- you writing this down, Lucy? You need to start writing this sh*t down.”

Lucifer, ever the diligent student, began to write down everything Mammon said.


The Gravesfield Veterinary Clinic was a simple, well loved building. Two stories of white stone that glowed in the sun. Friendly murals of many animals playing in a field decorated the walls thanks to many local artists who had used their services and it was, without fail, a very nice place to work at.

There were technically two buildings, the two story small animal clinic and the barn-like large animal clinic: both buildings had their own staff who were experts in their field.

Camila, who worked in the small animal clinic and was their star employee, hummed happily to herself as she made sure that the fluffy dog in front of her had all his shots. “You’re being such a good boy for me.” She said in a low and soothing voice, making sure her movements were not too sudden or rushed so as not to frighten the already scared dog as she administered his last shot.

She loved her work, truly did. She had always had a weakness for small animals… children too, which was why if she hadn’t gone into Vet work she would have tried to get a degree in pediatric care. And yet, here she was working with cute, friendly animals.

Life couldn't get any better.

“I’m still amazed, Cam.” Jenny Waters, her assistant in all things dog related, said as she entered the new medical info into the system. She was a younger woman in her twenties who had graduated college before coming back home to take care of her elderly grandparents. They were, well, they were friendly co-workers so she supposed her and Jenny were friends. “That dog hasn’t let anyone get close at all and you just… casually get all up in his business.” The red haired vet sounded in awe as she stared at the older woman.

“What can I say: I have the touch.” She found herself giggling and humming the Transformers theme as she patted the fluffy German Shepard on the side. “You’re good to go, Matty.”

The dog barked happily and licked her face before jumping down and pawing at the door. She opened it up and the dog practically barreled into his owner, knocking the elderly man back down into his chair.

“All fixed up, are ya Matty?” The bald and liver-spotted gentleman smiled at her. “You do the Lord’s work, Ms. Noceda. Thank you, really.”

She waved away the compliment with a smile. “It’s alright, now we managed to administer his shots and did an overall check for any disease or abnormality and Matty came up negative for everything. He’s in excellent health, Jean.”

“I try my best, Ms. Noceda.”

“You know where the front desk is.” She moonwalked a few steps before twirling around and walking back towards her room. She turned as the door opened and did some finger-guns as Helen Goldstein and her cat Whiskers came in the door. “Looking good, Whiskers!”

The cat meowed and Helen laughed.

She did a little dance as she entered the room, smiling to herself even as Jenny stared at her like a puzzle waiting to be solved. She co*cked her head to the side and Camila blinked.

“There something on my face?”

Jenny shook her head. “I… don't take this the wrong way, Cam, but I haven’t seen you this happy since you barged in and announced your daughter made her first girlfriend.”

“Luz and Amity are adorable and I will stand by that statement.” She said as she began to dispose of the used needles and start cleaning her equipment.

“I’ve seen the pictures you showed me… everyone has.” Jenny said with a smirk and she laughed. She had practically gushed to everyone who came in about her daughter's relationship after Luz showed her the powerpoint presentation. Oh, she had known weeks before Luz had come out because the two couldn't help but be lovey dovey at every opportunity, but she had kept her silence and said nothing until her darling daughter was ready to come out.

She would not have a repeat of her own experience.

“Can’t help but feel proud of mi hija.”

“Always liked Luz, glad to see she’s finally found her place in the world.” Jenny said as she began sweeping up a few of the mats they had snipped off of their last patient, sweeping them into a waste bin.

“She and Vee are doing much better now after all the… unpleasantness.” It was hard, trying to explain what exactly happened that year. Once all the dust had settled and everyone was fine and recovered from the near apocalypse… or, well, the second near apocalypse, she had sat down with Luz and Vee to try and get their stories straight just like they had the night after the Hexsquad had shown up at her front door.

“You ever going to tell anyone what happened?” She knew Jenny was curious. Jenny, Ramirez, Benjamin, and Dr. Nancy all wanted to know the exact details of what happened that year but she wouldn't tell.

She’d thrown enough false breadcrumbs out for them to think, well, any number of wild theories that were as far away from the truth as possible. She’s pretty sure her boss, Dr. Nancy, thinks that the Hexsquad had run away from a human trafficking ring and that she had sheltered them while the heat cooled off.

The fact that Hunter, while he volunteered at the Vet, would casually throw out some of the most off-putting tidbits about his life in whatever the Emperor’s Coven was… well, it had certainly ensured that no sane or rational story would win out.

She smiled and mimed zipping her lips to which Jenny shook her head. “I’ll get the truth out of you one day, Cam.”

“You’re certainly welcome to try, Jenny.”

The two friends laughed together and went back to work in silen-

“Hey! Wait a minute!” Jenny shouted as she whirled around and mockingly glared at her. “You’re not going to distract me with your little mysteries this time, Cam. You are practically glowing with happiness so spill.”

She shook her head ruefully and smiled to herself. “I… might have a boyfriend now.”

And there it was. She and Lucius were officially dating. They had… well, they had straight up made out on the picnic blanket for several minutes before they had broken off and continued cloud watching. It was the perfect end to a perfect date.

She was dating again, she had a boyfriend again. Life was looking upwards. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she remembered the taste of his lips on hers and she giggled to herself like a schoolgirl. Gosh, but he had a sway over her.

Jenny blinked and then smiled happily at her. “Oh my god, Cam. That's amazing!”

“I know!” She would certainly be extremely happy about her current relationship.

“You gotta tell me everything, Cam!”

“Tell you everything about what?”

Dr. Mary Nancy was an elderly woman who had a gentle disposition with the animals she worked with. She had her stringy gray hair in a tight bun and a pair of tortoise shell glasses over her pale green eyes. A simple doctors coat over scrubs was bedazzled with many different buttons and pins that she and her wife had collected over the many years together.

She was the best kind of boss that Camila could ask for. Though right now it was starting to get crowded in her room.

“Camila has a boyfriend, Dr. Nancy!” Jenny chirped out happily. “She was going to tell me all about him and what he was like and-”

“-And you can do that when you aren’t on the clock.” Dr. Nancy said, giving Jenny an eye and a raised eyebrow as the red haired nurse blushed and got back to work. “That being said: Cam, aren’t you about to go on a lunch break?”

Camila sighed as she saw the eager and curious eyes behind Mary’s glasses, this was going to be a while. “Yes, Mary, I'll tell you all about my boyfriend over lunch.”

“Oh, I wouldn't want to impose but if you insist-” Dr. Nancy grabbed ahold of her arm and led her towards the employee break room.

The employee break room was a nice little room: big enough to house the full staff of both clinics and painted a nice sky blue. It had all the amenities a break room needed. It had a nice fridge, a nice microwave, a little toaster over, a toaster, and comfy chairs. It also had two large windows looking out towards the forest behind the clinic, currently open to let in the spring air.

“You know,” Dr. Nancy began as she sat down in a chair with a cup of tea before her. “You don't have to spill any details if you don't want to.”

“I know for a fact that you want to know as much as possible about my love life.” She countered to which her boss just crooked an eyebrow.

“Cam… I want to know about everyone’s love life.”

Well, that was true. Her boss was a nosey person who took great delight in learning little secrets and details about people's personal lives. Honestly, Camila had once believed she would have made a great detective with how she got information out of people but Mary just smiled at her and said nothing when she brought that up at the christmas party.

“I met him at a bar, actually.” She finally fessed up, tired of Mary’s raised eyebrow. “He’s… i think he’s a big city executive but i… havent really asked him about the name of his company.”

Dr. Nancy just nodded and she continued. “He’s… he’s charming, and sweet, and a big dork-”


Both of them turned to find Jenny and Ramirez, the afro-cuban nurse who was trying to become the next doctor in the place, looking at them from the doorway.

“That’s sweet!” Jenny chirped happily. “I’m glad you found a kindred soul.” Ramirez just gave her a thumbs up and a nod of approval.

“Don't you two have work to do?” Dr. Nancy asked, annoyed.

“We just went on our lunch break, actually.” Jenny replied as they both pulled up a chair and sat down, to which the head doctor just sighed in annoyance.

“Seriously, Noceda, it’s nice that you found someone.” Ramirez said simply as he reclined in his chair and looked up at the ceiling. “Good to know love never ends and all that jazz.”

Camila smiled as Jenny and he began gushing about her boyfriend, to which she kept on offering tidbit after tidbit. She felt on cloud nine as she gushed about Lucius, about their picnic date and about the nice café they went to.

She might have left out the explosive end to the café date and the… well, steamy make-out she had at the end of the picnic date but she figured they got the point.

It was… it was nice, having friends she could just gush about things with nowadays.

Before Camila could continue, the sound of crashing trash cans echoed in from the open window. Hissing, snarling, and the chorus of animals fighting came in.


“God- damn it, the racoons are back.” Dr. Nancy shook her head annoyed. “If they keep fighting like this they’ll have plenty of infections setting in. Camila, I hate to ask this, but could you deal with this?”

“What, the raccoon's injuries? I don't think-”

“I meant the trash.” Dr. Nancy explained patiently. “I would have an intern go out and do it but, well, you’re here already so…”

She made a simple salute and made her way out of the breakroom and towards the back of the vet clinic. A few rooms had some of her coworkers in them and yet more were empty as she made her way out the back door.

The crisp afternoon air was nice after being cooped up in her little windowless op room and she rolled her shoulders, working out a kink or two as she made her way to the back.

The second her footsteps got loud enough to betray being close she saw a small squadron of raccoons rush off, ill gotten gains in their mouths as they scurried towards the tree line and out of sight.

She was about to continue when she heard the weirdest thing she could: sobbing.

It was gentle, quiet crying like someone was trying to stifle their voice but it was crying nonetheless.

“Hello?” She called out as she turned the corner towards the back of the clinic. “Is anyone there?”

There was a sound like crinkling trash as something tried to hide. She looked out across the scene: The few trash cans they had around the back were all tipped over with garbage scattered all around the area. A simple sack full of rotten food was ripped open and practically empty while a garbage bag overflowing with trash was currently shaking like something was hiding behind it and holding it in place.

Something too small to be a person.

She was very careful as she made her way slowly forward, one hand going into her pocket to where she kept her mace. She had been keeping it on her person at all times after that Cabron tried to get her with a knife and she would probably be keeping it close at hand for years to come.

Step after step, she made towards the rustling bag as she very carefully got close enough to see what was behind the bag.

It was a sheep, a purple sheep in an incredibly dirty and frayed little suit. His fur was matted, dirty, and full of brambles and detritus while he cowered away from her.

She very carefully got her hand out of her pocket and made sure her movements were slow and steady. Her hands were outstretched to show she was no threat as she took a knee before the sheep. “Hey- hey… I'm going to reach out, just stay still please.”

She carefully reached a hand out and moved the garbage bag out of the way. She finally got a better look at him: He had a few cuts and scratches on his gangly limbs, probably from the racoons. He was curled up in a defensive ball and was trying not to look at her.

Her heart broke. She always did have a soft spot for cute and cuddly animals and seeing one so clearly hurt, even one that was bright purple and wearing a little suit, it hurt to see.

“Hey.” She said slowly as she retracted her hands and made sure to appear non-threatening. “Those cuts look like they hurt. Do you want some help?”

The sheep, because it was a sheep, did not respond except to shiver some more so she carefully picked him up and took him back with her. She may have suspected he came from beyond the door in her second home… but he was still a small animal that needed help and she would do everything in her power to help him.

She took the incognito angel into the veterinary clinic and closed the door behind her.


So now Collin is in the clutches of a veterinarian. Oh, woe is him.

The Cherubs are going to go in an interesting direction let me tell you. I hope you all like the path i take them in.

Also, this chapter was 6.8k words. Thats 2k more than what is normally put in here so i hope you all like it. I wanted to write more than usual since it's been a week.

Next Chapter: Collin tries very hard not to blow his cover as a perfectly normal sheep. Meanwhile, Camila takes care of what is definitely not a normal sheep.

Chapter 17: Collins Awful, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day


Collin the Cherub loses a battle against some Raccoons, is briefly very depressed, and is then saved by a less than literal angel.

Misunderstandings, as always, ensue


Before i get to the notes, just wanna say a quick TW: Collin thinks some dark thoughts here about himself and his life so... take note of that.


I dont know if you noticed, but there is a very slight change to chapter 1: That being, it now has a cover.

I now have artwork made of this fic. I didn't commission it or anything, somebody just loved it so much that they did it themselves. Thank you Thecrazygamingzombie for commissioning the artwork, and thank you Vanilla0chinchilla for drawing it, you both rock so so much and I love you.

Anyway, i would also like to rectify something that I recently learned. My editor, MetropolisMCU or ssjSega depending on what site you use, is apparently the author of a very good fic called The Silver Raven. I enjoyed this and since they have been such a huge help I would like to ask that if you enjoy this story go check them please and thank you. Note: It was started back before S2 of Owl House was made so some things don't match up to canon but eh, its a very great read anyway


(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Through the streets of Gravesfield, a cherub embarked on an important mission.

Collin, former therapy cherub turned agent turned pseudo-fallen one crouched low to the ground as he slowly made his way to the end of the hedge row towards the sidewalk. The purple sheep had seen better days: his lilac suit was torn to near shreds, his fur was matted and dirty, and he was pretty sure his mane was as filthy as the rest of him. And yet his resolve was as unstoppable as the pillars of Heaven itself.

He crouched even lower, his belly practically scratching along the grassy yard as he stared unblinking at the human man currently unloading the back of his vehicle. He was a typical human: two hands, two feet, head, eyes… and muscles for days, the man looked like he was a permanent resident of a gym. Now, normally, he would avoid dangerous looking humans like this if it weren't for the fact that the back of his car was filled with groceries.

Delicious, delicious groceries.

An entire bag of oranges! A full package of corn-on-the-cob! An entire bag full of chips! It was an endless bounty of food and he had taken to stea- no! Angels didn’t steal. He was merely… strategically transporting edibles to an alternate location. Said alternate location being the bag on his back.

Which was fine and dandy to the very hungry cherub.

It was his turn to begin foraging and he had done it well. He had gone from trash can to trash can, dumpster to dumpster as he collected whatever he could that was even slightly edible: moldy fruit, stale bread, half-eaten sandwiches… if it could be chewed, it was put into the sack he held on his back to take back for eating amongst his friends and him. But right now he had the opportunity to take more than just trash. He could get real food.

His friends would be so happy with him if he pulled this off. They could use a pick-me-up after everything.

Cletus and Keenie were back at the hide-out they had chosen and were currently planning their next moves. If he knew his friends, Keenie was gung-ho about planning out their journey to the next town once this one gave its last while Cletus was coming up with plans and schemes to get back into Heaven’s good graces.

He hoped that Cletus would come up with a good plan, their last one had sort of… blown up in their face. Literally.

Apparently trying to hijack a radio-station to broadcast to the office of the Joybringer herself was an explosive endeavor.

He shook his head, thoughts of the youngest Seraphim and his former boss twice over would just make him sad. Well, sadder than he already was being stuck on earth potentially for eternity.

And anyway, his chance had finally come!

The human had picked up a massive thing of dog food and was carting it inside over his shoulder while he carried in a thing of soda in his free hand. Which meant that as soon as the door to his domicile closed the van full of food would be unguarded and he could rummage to his heart's content.

The human went inside and closed the door with his foot and Collin, once the favored therapy cherub of many different winners, charged forward like a mad animal and dove straight into the bags. He shoved a whole roast chicken into his bag, the package of corn, and a frozen meat pie.

He had hit the motherload of food.

He was just about to grab the bag of chips when the door to the human house opened and the very large and very muscular human person stepped outside and saw him.

“Hey! Get out of my car you little bastard!”

Collin burst into action, his every movement jittery and full of manic energy as he forced himself to bolt like he had never bolted before. This was his food now, the human could deal. He used the back of the… van, that's what it was called. He used the back of the van to launch himself backwards and clattered against the ground and started pumping his legs like crazy.

This wasn't the first time he had been seen: more than a few humans had seen him in the act of taking food for the group. This was just the first time he had been seen by a human built like a brick wall who looked like they could snap him in half.

“Get back here you- what the…!?” The human stopped in his tracks as soon as he got a good look at him, after all It wasn't everyday that a human saw a chest high purple sheep in a dirty lilac suit with a sack of stolen food rush away with terrified bleating, little hooves practically sparking the concrete as he rushed away.

Of course, the human's loss was his bag jumped up and down as he bravely ran away out of sight.

Mission successful.

Food acquired.


“Lets see… with that we have, hmm, enough for three weeks if we ration.”

Collin was safely hidden behind a large white building near the edge of town. He had fled as fast and as far as his hooves could take him and now he was hiding behind something known as the “Gravesfield Veterinary Clinic.” It was a decent enough building with many different murals of friendly cherub-like animals all around it frolicking and having fun and it had a decent view of the vast forest behind it.

He’d never seen a clinic before, Heaven didn't have any need for them since it was… well, literal perfection. He wondered what this one did or what a ‘Veterinary’ was. There was a smell like a bunch of animals in the air and it just made him more confused as to what this place was.

Of course, the smell of actual fresh food is more important than the place he was hiding behind so he put it out of his thoughts and began tallying up his new spoils.

“Chicken, I know Cletus will like that… Corn, Keenie always did like corn, half a chicken pot pie…”

Yep, this was a good haul. With his new spoils added onto the less than perfect food he had acquired beforehand. Cletus and Keenie would be so proud of him! They might even give him headpats like… like Emily used to.

Before he could descend into another spiral of shame and self-loathing, however, there was a rustling in the treeline before him and the most curious of God’s creatures emerged out of the bushes.

It was… well, a raccoon. The creature had the trademark bandit eyes and bushy ringed tail coming out of a furry body. It hopped close and co*cked its head to the side.

He smiled, he was great with animals! They responded to the Grace within all angels and would naturally leave them in peace. Now, granted, mixing Grace with Infernal energy tends to make animals… freak out slightly but there were no awful, horrid, monstrous, evil evil evil Imps around to make the little guy hostile.

He liked his chances.

“Hey there little guy!” He said, his voice cheerful as he lowered himself slightly to meet the creature's gaze at eye level. “You miss your family too?”

Two other raccoons emerged from the bushes, all three of their gazes on the bag full of food next to him. “Looks like your family missed you too.” He chirped only to frown as they began to move closer to him.

He chuckled nervously and sidled close to the bag, his expression anxious as the raccoons drew closer. “Now, um, this would be my food right now so I would like to ask you not to steal from me. My friends and I… we need it more.”

The raccoons just stayed put, their gaze turning towards him and not leaving as they just… waited.

He smiled. “See? That's the spiri-”

There was a sound of chittering right next to his ear and he turned his head to look directly into the eyes of a fourth raccoon, sitting on top of one of the garbage cans next to him almost a hair’s breadth away.

“Clever girl.” He said simply as the other three raccoons charged forward and the fourth leapt at him like a, well, a rabid animal.



That was all that Collin could feel as he huddled in on himself, the pain of the many scratches and bites sending lances of agony through him. The raccoons were basically gorging themselves on his bounty, leaving nothing at all for the cherub to bring back to his friends.

A cherub of the High Holy could recover from most ailments, and get over most injuries. Raccoons shouldn't have even left a single mark on him if he didn't want them too… except he wasn’t a cherub of the High Holy anymore, was he?

Failure, he was a failure.

His thoughts were spiraling, it was all he could do as little sobs of pain left his muzzle.

He hadn't been such a pathetic thing before. Once, he was a therapy cherub: One of those heavenborn designed to give comfort to those winners who had died in not-so-nice ways. He had basically basked in the adoration of thousands as his days were filled with head-pats, tummy rubs, and making sure that the winners he was assigned to acclimated to death.

He had soothed nightmares, he had helped people through panic attacks, he had been a shoulder to cry on… he was a pro at giving comfort to people.

And now here he was curled up into a bloody ball as his every bounty was stolen by filthy trash pandas.

He should never have listened to Cletus, he should have stayed a therapy cherub and never joined the servants of Emily the Joybringer. He would never blame the youngest seraphim for his current situation: she had formed the many branches of C.H.E.R.U.B to bring joy and happiness to the loved ones of winners so that those on earth could bask in the joys she brought to Heaven always. There was nothing wrong with that.

No, he blamed Cletus and his… his darn desire to be bigger than just a servant! It was the natural order for cherubs to be servants, trying to break that order led to filthy evil Imps making you accidentally kill your target and get cast out of Heaven.

Actually, Cletus wasn't even at fault for this. It was those darn… no, those Damn imps! If it wasn't for those horrid things he would be back in Heaven sipping pina coladas with the other cherubs instead of curled up in a ball, surrounded by garbage, being beaten bloody by raccoons who wanted to steal the trash he had stolen in the first place.

More sobs left him as he tried to curl in tighter.

He was such a piece of garbage. He should have never given into peer pressure, he was… he was such a failure.

Footsteps began to echo, the sound of an approaching human coming closer and closer causing the trash pandas to scatter away with his loot. And thus Collin, once a cherub of the High Holy and now a nothing of the nowhere, was left alone with literally nothing to his name.

He might as well just lay there and let the human stomp him into the ground, it was all he was good for. Maybe he could be good fertilizer for plantlife? That would be nice, becoming a plant… no more pain, no more hunger, no more scavenging for food…

He wanted to lay there forever… but he also kind of didn't want to get stomped into the ground just yet so he dragged himself, with great difficulty, behind the trashcan the raccoon had launched itself off of and hid.

It wasn't like he could stop whatever big, scary human was coming from doing whatever but maybe his pathetic whimpering would lead to the human at least taking a moment's pity before bashing his head in for being basically garbage?

Either way, the human had found him and he curled tighter still, his bloody leg lancing pain through him as he did so. He shivered like mad, awaiting his fate-

“Hey- hey… I'm going to reach out, just stay still please.”

That… that wasn't a scary voice. That was actually a nice voice.

He didn't dare move a muscle besides his pained twitching as the garbage bag was moved out of the way, his whole body now in plain view of the human standing above him. He didn't dare hold out hope that she, for it sounded like a she although he could be wrong since he was in a lot of pain right now, would help him.

“Those cuts look like they hurt. Do you want some help?”

She sounded very nice, like a warm blanket. He smothered his every instinct to flinch or start flailing to get away as she picked him up carefully, like he mattered. Did she know he was a fallen one? Did she know he had blood on his hands?

If she did she would send him away and then gather together a mob to hunt down his friends. That couldn't happen at any cost.

As he was carefully taken away from the garbage and the filth he decided he would pretend to be a normal sheep. How hard could it be?


Camila Noceda, Vet extraordinaire, placed the purple sheep on the table and began to prep her tools. She wasn't sure how her tools would work on what was either an obvious Isles demon or one of Eda’s accidentally sapient mistakes but she would help the small creature either way.

Just from a cursory glance she could tell she would need disinfectant, gauze, and some heavy duty trimmers for the mats and detritus all tangled up in his fur. He could also do with a bath, so she got some towels out to dry the poor little guy off afterwards.

She brushed a bit of the rotten foodstuff off of him and got to work.

Disinfectant was put on a swab and she started dabbing at his bites and scratches.

“Ow!” The sheep cried out, only to freeze up and stare at her in horror. “I mean, Baa!” He said ‘baa’, rather than simply baa’ing.

It was kind of adorable.

She kept dabbing and she was amazed at the color of his blood: pure gold with an almost ethereal shine to it underneath the light. Each and every wound on his body was golden colored, even the bites. Actually, especially the bites since they covered more area.

Golden blood… she carefully crossed out ‘Gained sentience thanks to Eda’ and chocked it up to ‘Isles Demon.’

She had never taken care of an Isles Demon before… Well, okay, that was a lie. King, Eda’s adorable son and the cutest little guy she’d ever seen in her life, had once fallen and skinned his knee while playing catch with Eda and the… the bird tube.

She carefully sidestepped thoughts of the bird tube. She had seen the video Luz had of that… that thing removing its own skin. She had never been able to see the creature the same way ever again.

So her practice taking care of Isles Demons was exactly one, not a great sample size all things considered. Well, two now.

A few more dabs and she was ready to apply the first bit of gauze, carefully wrapping up the wound as she made sure to be as gentle as she could be. The little guy was in enough pain as it was and she didn't want to amplify that. She glared at one of the trickier placed wounds and got out her trimmers to get rid of some of the mats and dirt around it.

“You know, I’ve never taken care of a real one of you guys before.” She said simply as she began trimming away, clearing up some of the fur buildup and giving him a nice styling while she was at it. “I mean, I hope I'm not hurting you.”

“Baa.” The purple sheep said again, a panicky look in his eyes as he remained perfectly still.

She smiled again. Putting away her trimmers she began to dab away more golden blood with disinfectant as she got to work. Wound after wound, she made sure that the sheep was well taken care of.

She had just gotten to a bite on his back when the door opened. “Hey, Cam? Have you seen…?”

Benjamin Cohen was an intern from the local college who was trying to get a full employment after he graduated. Dr. Nancy liked his work and honestly? So did she. He may not have been as good as Hunter was with the more skittish and abused animals but he was still gentle and kind, both good things to look for in a vet.

Short and slick black hair alongside a bushy beard, the olive skinned man was a godsend to the clinic. He was clad in his scrubs and was currently looking into the room with confusion and shock.

She could understand: it wasn't every day you saw a purple sheep in a dirty suit covered in golden blood.

The sheep looked terrified, Ben looked increasingly shocked, and Camila went into overdrive.

“Would you believe a circus just abandoned this poor boy?” She said, trying to keep her voice as calm as possible and looking as casual as she could. “Just… painted him purple, splashed him with gold, and then threw him out in a suit.”

“That…” Ben looked confused. “A circus?”

“I mean, what other reason would I have to have a purple sheep in a suit?” Camila smiled as brightly as she could.

Ben looked at her and a trail of sweat went down her forehead.

“I… really don't know.” He grabbed a holder of syringes off the table and slowly closed the door, staring at her oddly even as the door closed behind him.

She sighed in relief. That was a close one.

She turned around to see the sheep staring at her oddly, the fear gone from his eyes and more curiosity in it now. She smiled gently and got back to taking care of and dressing his wounds.

“I hope he doesn't bring Dr. Nancy into things,” She explained, dabbing away the last of the blood from him. “I can maybe fool him but not Mary, she sees too much.”

She smiled down at him. He was still in a dirty and torn suit but now the detritus and dirt was gone and he was… well, more clean than he had been. He had gauze and bandages on him all over but overall he looked clean and healthy.

She nodded to herself. “Now time for the shots.”

He flinched away and she went into comfort mode. “No, no no no, it’ll be alright. Those raccoons may have given you a disease so I just need to give you a little needle prick and you’ll be all better.”

She held out her hands and made sure he could watch her movements, slowly making her way towards the cabinet. “I don't want you to get any nasty sicknesses from those bites and scratches so I just need a needle or two.” She stared him in his eyes. “I promise I won't hurt you.”

He shivered but he nodded.

It was odd, helping an animal that understood what you were doing on a human level. Pets were smart, they understood more than most people gave them credit for but that didn't mean they understood understood. This Isles Demon actually knew what she was doing, understood her words, and could speak right back to her.

She had to change up how she did things slightly.

She made sure the vials of medicine were in sight as she got her shots ready, her hands moving slowly and carefully as she kept one eye on the demon aside from her. “These are the shots I'm going to administer.” She explained, making sure he could see her every action. They were simple enough treatments: Rabies, Roundworm, and Salmonella.

“This is the Rabies shot.” She explained, moving aside his fur and lining up her shot before inserting it quickly.

“Ow!” The demon yelped

"It’s okay, you’re okay.”

“You promi- I mean, ‘Baa!’”

She smiled and shook her head, inserting the second shot.


“You’re okay, we’re almost done.”

“This does hurt!”

“And here’s the Salmonella shot.”

“Wait, wait wai- ow!”

She smiled and stepped back, the sheep demon moving away slightly annoyed and glaring at her. It was… well, it was absolutely adorable. She giggled slightly at the sight and the demon just pouted harder.

“You were a good boy.” She said.

“B-baa.” He grumbled and she ruffled his head. A look of immense sadness came across his face as she did so and she actually paused, only for him to push his head against her hand.

“I know you probably miss home, buddy.” The demon froze up like an icicle underneath her hand. “I bet it’s been scary here in the human realm.”

He looked up at her with big wet eyes. “You… you know what I am?”

“Of course I do.” She explained, brushing off a few strands of fur from his little suit. “I’ve met beings like you before, you know-”

“You have!?” He practically shouted and she quickly shushed him, hunching over and looking over her shoulder.

“Look,” She explained. “I know what you are and I want to help, but my coworkers don't and they probably won't understand so I need you to be very quiet for me right now, okay?

The demon nodded.

“What’s your name?” She asked, moving over to begin cleaning up her room of any evidence he was ever here. She just needed to get him to her car after her area was clean of any evidence and she could take him to the portal door.

“C-Collin, ma’am.” He explained, a look of such intense hope on his face that she felt herself smile. “I’ve been… it’s been a hard year for me and my friends since we got trapped here.”

“You’re not the only one here?”

“No ma’am.” He explained, a look of shame on his face. “We’ve been stuck here for at least a year now.”

Her heart broke slightly. To be cut off from your home for so long was… it sounded awful. “You’re trapped here?”

He winced and looked at her like he was expecting her to yell at him, causing her heart to break all over again. “It’s… there was some, ah, unpleasantness with an old man and we were sort of… kicked out.”


She had a feeling she knew exactly what old man was the source of said ‘unpleasantness.’ Once again, that old bastard Belos or Philip or whatever he called himself was ruining lives. Though it was a bit odd he would simply throw demons out rather than... what was it called? Petrification? Maybe Luz or Eda would know more but it was neither here nor there right now since she was needed here.

“Well, I'm very sorry that happened to you.” She said as she crouched down a few inches. “I think that it's very brave of you to survive as long as you have.”

“It’s hard.” He nodded.

“I hope my help can save you guys more trouble.”

He froze up again, staring at her in open shock. “You… want to help us?”

She frowned and crossed her arms. “Of course i do, i always help those in need and you guys have suffered enough.”

He looked so grateful to her that he jumped forward and hugged her tight, clinging to her like a lost child. “Thank you…” He breathed, sounding close to tears.

She smiled and hugged him back.

“When my friends learn we have some help they’ll be so happy!” He almost sobbed into her shoulder and she pat his back. A few minutes passed and finally he pulled away with a sniffle and a gracious smile.

She returned it, trying not to think of the logistics of how to get him out of here without raising any questions. “Now, I cant exactly keep you here but I have-”

“Oh, don't worry about that ma’am,” He chirped, looking happy as, to her astonishment, a pair of wings popped up out from behind him and started fluttering, causing him to hover at head height now. “I have a plan!”

She smiled and opened her mouth to ask how, exactly, he planned to get to the portal door-

“Camila? Can you come out here for a second?”

She winced, that was Dr. Nancy. “Just… ah, be casual.” She said hurriedly, the Isles demon saluting and looking determined as she carefully opened and left her op room to find Dr. Nancy and Ben looking at her confused.

Oh. Oh dear.

“Do you mind explaining why young Ben here said there was a purple sheep in your work room?” Dr. Nancy asked, an eyebrow raised as she stared at her.

“... it was abandoned by a circus.” She said again, sticking to her story.

Dr. Nancy raised her eyebrow higher.

“A circus?”

She nodded and Dr. Nancy sighed. “Cam, you’re a model employee so I'll cut you some slack and believe you this time. Please don't do anything stupid.”

She sagged in relief as the two of them turned and left, Ben looking back at her in confusion and disbelief. Maybe she wasn't as believable as she could have been but at least nothing else was going to go wrong.

“Alright,” She said, opening the door back up and entering her work room again. “I need to get you to my car before we can… get you… home…” She trailed off and stared at the completely empty room. The demon was gone without a trace.

“Hey!” Jenny yelled from the breakroom. “Who stole all our pizzas?”

Almost without a trace.


“I have returned!”

The trek back to the hideout was far more simple than the trek to the vet clinic. For one thing, nobody went into the old part of town anymore from what they had managed to scrape together in the few days they were here. It was abandoned long ago, the perfect place for formerly heavenly creatures to hide out.

It was an old shack that the cherubs had chosen as their hideout, trash and ‘borrowed’ foodstuff all around. A simple table was in the center of the cabin and both the toddler-like Cletus and the yellow sheep-like Keenie were pouring over an old map to plan out their next move.

Cletus and Keenie, his two best friends in the whole of Heaven and Earth, both looked up from the map they were hunched over and stared at him in shock. “What in the Lord’s Name happened to you?” Keenie almost yelled out.

It wasn't hard to see why: His fur was clean, his mane was styled, and he was covered in bandages and gauze. He looked both cleaner than he had since this nightmare began and almost as damaged as that time they accidentally wandered into a coyote pack's territory looking for shelter.

That had been a bad night.

Collin, freshly cleaned and bandaged, held his pizzas high. He had survived the raccoons and survived the human lair and now he was returned triumphant. “I brought… I think it’s called pepperoni.”

“Gimme gimme gimme!” Cletus called out hungrily, his stomach growling audibly as he flew over as fast as he could only to be tugged back by Keenie.

“Hold on there, buster.” She said, still staring at him. “What happened to you?”

“Oh, I was almost killed by raccoons.” he said dismissively as he placed the pizza boxes over the map on the table.

You were what!?” Keenie shouted as Cletus looked up from his near-starvation induced trance to start hovering around his friend.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay? They didn't hurt you did they?” He asked worriedly.

“Of course they did, Cletus! Look at him!”

“It’s okay!” He said with a laugh, his hands waving them away. “I found… well, you’re not going to believe this but I found the most amazing person!”

He began to hover as he described his experiences: the attack of the raccoons, his hiding, the lady taking him in and dressing his wounds, being cleaned, and then learning that she knew all along that he was a cherub of the High Holy and wanted to help them.

“She wants to help us?” Cletus asked, shock in his voice as the toddler-like cherub sat down in disbelief. “Why?”

“Because she’s an agent of the Joybringer!” He said happily. The two stared at him in shock.

“She works for Emily!?” Cletus asked, his motuh hanging open.

“It makes sense!” He said as he began rattling off his evidence. “She’s helped cherubs like us before, she knows what we did and doesn’t care, and she is kind like you wouldn't believe- she even held my cover in the face of another human!”

“She’s helped cherubs before?”

“Said it herself, she’s met beings like us before.” He explained

Cletus nodded while Keenie looked unsure. “I just… isn’t she human?”

“Maybe she’s a winner in disguise?” Cletus asked, hope returning to his voice for the first time in months. “Like, Emily works with Winners all the time! Remember that one guy she’s always hanging out with nowadays? He’s a winner.”

The evidence made sense. “So… Heaven didn't really abandon us?” Keenie asked, her voice full of growing hope.

“I knew we weren’t fallen ones! We were just being temporarily punished!” Cletus said with a cheer, fist-pumping the air as he started doing figure eights with his wings. “They’re letting us back in! We can go home!”

The three cherubs hugged tightly, spinning around in the air with such utter joy that nothing at all could ruin. Heaven hadn’t abandoned them, they would soon be home.

“Alright, new plan!” Cletus said once they broke apart. “We eat, then we go find this woman and she can help us get back. Then we never, ever, ever set foot in the human world ever again.”

He and Keenie nodded along to the plan, determination in their eyes.

The next few days would be absolutely critical, soon they would be home and nothing would stand in their way. They had to start stocking up and fast, gathering together anything they wanted to bring back to Heaven, and preparing for however long it would take to go home.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

“So what’s her name again?” Keenie asked and he froze up underneath her and Cletus’ gazes.

“I… didn't ask?” He said with a wince.


They say that Old Gravesfield is haunted, though nobody truly believed in that nonsense. It was, much like the Tale of the Brothers Wittebane, a folk legend with no real basis in reality.

However, if anyone was near the old town tonight, they would quickly become believers if they heard the twin screams of rage that echoed through the lands and sent flocks of birds flying in fright.

It was probably just the wind though.


Oh gee, I wonder what I'm setting the Cherubs up for. ;)

Next Chapter: Eda sets up a double date with Camila. Meanwhile, Charlie and Lucifer have a nice family dinner.

Chapter 18: Dinnertime Conversations


A double date is planned, and future plans are made over dinner


So sorry for not posting on friday. It was my 28th birthday on Thursday and i was a little too busy to write at all that day so no chapter.

I am now 28, it's very weird feeling I think. And yet, I am happy.

This chapter was harder to write than i thought it would be, anyway. I struggled a bit writing it so i guess... idk, i can assure you that the quality will drastically increase next chapter. This chapter is more of a transitory chapter for future ones where i lay out plot threads for future plot sweaters.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Closing the door to her house, Camila sighed and began to roll her shoulders. It had been a long day.

Between having to explain that no, she didn't know where Collin the Isles Demon had gone (not that she had called him a demon, of course) to promising she would buy the pizza’s next time and pay back Jenny… well, she had a lot of questions to answer, none of which she could give the truth to.

Luckily, the idea that Collin wasn't a normal sheep was so outlandish that nobody considered it. Oh, she bet they thought him some chemically sick thing that escaped from a lab somewhere but nobody was going around saying “Oh by the way, there's an entire different universe attached to an old house in the woods and the purple sheep escaped from there and also can talk.”

Although, to be honest, if Camila’s life wasn't so weird and strange nowadays she probably wouldn't have believed that Collin was anything other than an escaped lab experiment either.

She should probably send a message to Luz about finding some Isles demons roaming around town. She knew that sometimes Witches would come over and try to intermingle with the town as part of an exchange program that Gus had set up but they tended to be less… obviously homeless and suffering than Collin had been.

He’d said he and his friends had been here for a year now… the more she thought of that, the more her mind said that something was wrong with that timeline. If he had fallen through a… what had Luz called it? Titan’s Blood? If they had fallen through a pool of that then surely they could have been able to go back? She wasn't sure how long it took for magical god blood to dry up but she was at least willing to bet that it took a while.

And if it wasn't a pool of magical super blood, then it had to be the portal door… but if they were banished through that, then why not just go back in?

She shook her head, the Collin and the many questions she had about him were not really relevant right now: He had escaped and she was a little miffed about all the trouble said escaping had caused. Not miffed enough to not help him, but she would at least frown a bit at him and his friends.

She walked through the house, kicking her shoes off and hanging up her coat as she made her way to the couch and just sank into it.

She loved her job, she really did, but that didn't mean it wasn't hard on her sometimes. She had some scratches and bites here and there collected over the years and yes, lifting some of the bigger animals was hard on the knees nowadays but that didn't mean she was going to give up or anything: Her dream was to run the entire clinic one day and help a new generation of vets to enjoy a life of helping pets and animals just like she did.

Just her and her own little animal clinic… She smiled and flicked on the TV, just shaking her head. Maybe one day…

She casually got out her phone and checked her messages, checking for any new ones. Just a simple text from Luz asking her about her day and one from Vee saying she was going to be staying with Masha for the night.

Essentially, she had the house to herself for the evening. She smiled and quickly brought up the recording she made of the TV adaptation for Cosmic Frontier: The Trek For Stars.

It was hilariously bad as far as adaptations go: It tried to make it edgy and serious and the actors were… not the best. Oh, she bet that they could be great but the scripts were so full of themselves that she couldn't help but laugh herself silly rather than rage at all the unnecessary changes and alterations to the source material they made.

It was good popcorn fodder that she could enjoy for being absolute nonsense. Oh, she was sure that the younger fans of Cosmic Frontier hated the show with a passion but then, she had seen worse.

A vision of salamanders danced through her head and she shuddered. So much worse…

Either way, now was a time to make some popcorn and laugh at a sh*tty adaptation.

She had just gotten the first bag out of the pantry and into the microwave when her phone began to vibrate in her pocket incessantly. The sound of popcorn popping rang in her ears as she took a look at who was calling her and was only slightly hoping it wasn’t work calling.

La Lechuza the phone contact said happily, an owl emoji next to the name.

She felt a smile appear on her face as she swiped open the phone and put it to her ear. “Hello Eda!”

The bushy haired and heterochromatic witch who had taken in her daughter and protected her and mentored her in the Demon Realm for months sounded happy as she chirped out “Cam! Hey, it’s been too long.”

She turned the microwave off and went to sit in a chair, smiling despite herself. “That it has, it certainly has. What, the last time we met was Halloween right?”

“You mean Samhain?”

She shook her head. Samhain, Solstice, King’s Tide… she had sort of thrown herself into learning the major holidays the demon realm had so that she and Luz could connect on something else. She had sort of been lied to by Urban Fantasy in that magical worlds would have the same sort of holidays that humans did.

Her daughter's other family had looked so confused when, during her time at Hexside, she had tried to set up meetings and visits for holidays that just straight up didn’t exist over on the Isles. Halloween, or Samhain as they called it, was one such example.

“I guess it was the Samhain party.” She agreed, drumming her fingers against the phone. “Still, that was a while ago now. Why don't we hang out much anymore?”

“Because I'm running a giant university and you’re doing Human Beastkeeping.”

She frowned. “I didn't want an actual answer.”

She could hear the shrug through the phone. “Eh, you asked.”

Why did you call, Eda?”

There was silence on the other line for a few moments before Eda came back on. “I actually had an offer to make you.”

Now she was raising an eyebrow, simply waiting. She liked Eda, she really did. She owed the woman a debt that could never be repaid for what she had done for Luz during her stay on the Boiling Isles. She had taken the girl into her home and under her wing and from there helped her mija flourish into her full potential.

She owed Eda more than could ever be repaid… but that didn't mean she was blind to the woman's faults.

“So before that, I gotta say: Congrats on the new relationship.”

Okay, a bit of a turn but she wasn't going to complain. “Ay, thank you Eda. It’s still a bit new but we’re going steady now so I'm pretty happy about everything.” She was smiling happily now, kicking her feet back and forth as she talked.

“It true this guy is loaded?”

“He may be… He’s something at least.” She had her own suspicions that he wasn't what he said he was, but he seemed totally genuine that he was into her so she was perfectly willing to overlook a few oddities in the name of being with him. If they turned into red flags, though, she was perfectly willing to beat him with a chancla like she had Hopkins.

“Luz and Vee may have mentioned him being a bit suspicious when they visited.” Eda had a teasing wilt to her voice now. “Gotta say, it’s sweet that they’re both willing to look out for you.”

She laughed to herself. “Ah, they can be sweet when they’re not spying on dates.”

“See, the most I ever got was King biting someone’s leg when they got shouty. You get actual date crashers. Not sure if I should be jealous or not”

“They did help dog-pile Hopkins and kick him in the ribs a bit.”

The sound that came out of the phone was like the crunching of glass mixed with a cicada’s chirping. “That f*cker didn't actually stab you, did he?”

“Got tackled by a good samaritan before he could.”

“What’s a samaritan?”

She blinked. “It’s a religious term for- well, that doesn't matter actually. He didn't get me and got tackled to the ground and I got him in the face with some mace.”

“Ha, I always knew you were hardcore- carrying a mace around is pretty sick! I’m more of a flail and knife woman myself but-”

Oh, she wasn't going to dispute that even if it wasn't quite true. Eda might have been the kind of person to keep actual weapons on her person just for giggles but she was happy simply having some pepper spray.

She blinked, there was something bothering her… something she should be bringing up but for the life of her she couldn’t-

A purple sheep, a pair of wings sticking out of his back as he flew around her work room while staring at her with big ol’ eyes.

Ah, right. “Eda? Before you bring up…. Whatever it is you called about, can I ask you a question?”


“Is it possible that a pair of Isles Demons could have escaped through the door and simply… forgot about it?”

Silence on the other end for a hot minute and her frown deepened.


“No, I heard you. I’m just wondering how that would work because the answer is no. Collector didn't really make any alterations to the door that would affect memory at all… which brings me to my newest question: why do you want to know?”

She began to talk, telling everything she knew about the Isles demon she had found injured and hurting behind the Vet. She talked about the specifics he had mentioned: Being there for a year with friends after some unpleasantness with an ‘old man.’

“... and when I went back in both he and the pizzas were gone.” She finished up, pacing back and forth while the popcorn got cold in front of her. “Is it possible they simply forgot going through the door?”

No, it's impossible.” Eda sounded confused, and that was concerning. “Maybe they fell down a pool of Titan’s Blood but there shouldn’t be any more! It all dried up and those natural springs that still existed disappeared after Belos did his whole Godhood crap.”

“So their story is nonsense?” She asked, suddenly worried.

“No, it's got to have some elements of truth to it since they’re there instead of here… I dont know, Cam. It's very weird.”

“What about the old man they mentioned?”

“Could be Belos… A few of the Coven Heads tried their hand at being his heir after everything was said and done. Nothing really came from it because they were more focused on fighting each other than conquering the Isles but Adrian actually came close.”

Eda slipped into lecture mode, her voice giving off a natural instructor’s cadence that made her a wonderful teacher. “The Illusionist tried to pretend that Belos had come back from the dead, even collected his remains in a little jar… He made the mistake of messing with Luz’s friends, though, and so he got his ass kicked and his petty empire crumbled. It’s not… impossible that his Belos banished the poor schmucks before Luz kicked him in the head a bunch.”

She sighed, not enjoying hearing that her daughter was getting into fights- though should she be happy she was getting into fights with imperialist tyrants? She would split the difference and simply feel concerned for her safety.

“I’ll try to find them again but I doubt they’re going to want to show their faces anytime soon if they aren't actually telling the truth.” She sat back into her chair and sighed, annoyed and tired by everything.

“They’ll probably turn up sooner or later, with our luck.”

Sadly, that was probably true. Though she didn't want to think about such depressing thoughts right now. “Moving on, you wanted to ask me something?”

“sh*t, I forgot! Are you and your boyfriend free this weekend?”

She blinked, where on earth did that come from? “... yes?”

“Great! Me and Raine were actually thinking of asking if you wanted to go on a double date so, well, would you be?”

A double date with Eda… the thought wasn’t objectionable, though it did seem like it came out of left field slightly. Eda had once told her she didn't do double dates, been pretty adamant about it, so it was odd that she was willing to do so for her so soon after Luz-

… Ah.

“Did Luz put you up to this?”

“She tried, oh Titan did she try.” She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed as Eda laughed. “It was actually quite cute but no, this isnt on Luz’s behalf. It’s been awhile since Raine and I actually had some time to ourselves so I was going to take them on a date to the human realm… and who better to show us the sights than a human couple, eh?”

She thought it over.

It had been a long time since she and Eda had seen one another, and Raine was an amazing person she wouldn't mind seeing again. They could play such beautiful music with their violin and was quite the talented performer when they got over their stage fright.

She did want to go on another date with Lucius, it was true, but did she want to go on one with others?

“If I say yes, will you promise to be on your best behavior?”

“Who are you, my mom?” Eda snarked and she frowned. “Fine, fine, I wont do anything untoward while out in public… I haven't really been much of a wild woman lately so you have nothing to fear from me.”

She breathed a sigh of relief even as Eda complained about said sigh over the phone. “Then yes, you and Raine can accompany us on a date.”

“Ha, great! I promise you wont regret it at all Cam. Nothing will go wrong.”


Deep within the halls of the Morningstar Pride Palace/Governmental Complex, Charlie idly picked at some Roasted Wailing Tree Greens and wondered about life.

Ever since her Aborted Coronation, her dad had been trying his best to make up for seven years of severe neglect. She… she appreciated it a lot: knowing that he still loved her and that her worst fears that she had driven her parents away were just, well, nonsense. She really did appreciate his efforts.

And said efforts led to today.

Every few days he would invite her to one of the many Morningstar Estates throughout the Seven Rings and they would just hang out and have family time. They’d eat dinner or lunch together, talk about whatever, and try to overcome seven years of awkward depression in single nights.

She dragged the crispy and well seasoned leaf around in the vinaigrette and sighed.

She loved her father, she really did, and she appreciated it so much that he was willing to do this. She just wished…

She shook her head. No, she wasn't going to think about that tonight, she was going to have a lovely evening with her father and recreate the relationship they once had.

Lucifer, clad in a casual suit and bow-tie, was waving his hellboar cutlet clad fork through the air as he spoke animatedly about politics. “... need to be better at dealing with societal changes and what not than your old man.” He said, tearing a chunk out of his cutlet. “I just, I didn't think that it would lead to full scale rioting amongst the Goetias.”


“Like, half the estates throughout Envy now look like fortresses with how much defenses and barricades are in and around them.” He said in between chewing. “I’m pretty sure that they’re hiring anyone that can wield a weapon to fight amongst one another.”

“Yeah, that sounds bad.”

“I’m going to have to make a whole new proclamation to try and quell the fighting and the rioting. Who knew that trying to do right by your uncle would lead to… well, wide-scale anarchy?”

She said nothing, simply continuing to move around her food listlessly.

Lucifer paused, looking at her confused as his brow furrowed. “Char-char? Everything alright?”

'No, everything isn't alright and none of it I can talk about.' She carefully didn't say.

The extermination was only slightly more than a week away and her mood always soured as Heaven’s yearly genocide came closer and closer. She could protect the Happy Hotel easily enough but… she couldn't protect everyone in Pride. Even if she were to put a giant bubble over Pentagram there were still hundreds of other cities and towns that would be hit by the Exorcists and she couldn't do anything about it at all. Millions of her people, many of whom merely made one little mistake or a dozen even smaller mistakes to end up here, were about to be brutally murdered and there wasn't anything she could do about it.

She could’ve dealt with it, could’ve dealt with it fine before even coming over except there was nobody to help her out back at the Happy Hotel. Vaggie, Razzle, and Dazzle were off in Imp City helping her new security team pack up their things and get ready to move to Pentagram. She didn't like to believe she was… clingy, but she definitely didn't like being away from her lovely girlfriend for long periods of time.

She knew one day Vaggie would leave her, knew that one day Vaggie would shed her sinner status and become a winner in heaven. she was just so… so perfect that if anyone deserved to be redeemed from their sins it would be her. And perhaps she hadn't been the best girlfriend by selfishly never popping the question so Vaggie would remain having premarital sex out of wedlock with her and thus living in sin but she didn't want to say goodbye just yet.

Charlie was a selfish person who didn't want her girlfriend to leave her, sue her.

Vaggie had been… Well, she hadn't shot down the idea of never getting married so that she would stay living in sin, so she counted that as a win in her book to be honest. But it still hurt to know she was denying her girlfriend eternal paradise because she had issues about people leaving her now.

Her phone sat heavy in her pocket like a lead weight, the sound of unread texts and unanswered calls echoing through her head.

Mom… mom was probably busy doing something important. Too busy to talk to her for seven years since the divorce. She was off figuring out how to save Hell from the exterminations most likely. She didn't drive away her mom, just like she didn't break up her parent’s marriage.

She didn't do that… she didn't drive her away…

The familiar feeling of deep sadness threatened to overtake her and she struggled to force it down and bottle it up like all the other issues around her mom she had, plastering on a bright smile for her dad as she looked him in the eye. “I’m doing just fine, dad!”

He frowned sadly at her. “Charlie… you were silent for several minutes before answering.”

Oh. sh*t.

Lucifer looked sadly at her before sighing. “Anything you want to talk about?”

“Can you tell me more about your new girlfriend?” She asked before she could stop herself. Lucifer blinked at her and she tried desperately to not freak out and cry a dozen or so apologies.

There, that was it and now it was out in the open.

Camila was a human, that much she knew… and that was it. Lucifer didn't want to talk about his girlfriend with her and that was fine. It was fine! Sure, not knowing anything led her to getting upset and thinking all kinds of crazy things about his new girlfriend. Sure, the Infernal News Media had painted a picture of some sort of horrible nightmare woman who would use him up and throw him away once she got what she wanted. Sure, if he would just tell her one little thing about her she would feel so much better…

Okay, it wasn't fine but to be fair she… she hadn't made it easy for him.

She had wished and wished and wished (she hadn’t prayed, she wasn't an idiot despite what most of her subjects thought) that her parents would get back together but that was never going to happen again.

She wanted her dad to be happy, she really did! She was over the blood moon that he was happy! She just didn't want him to get hurt again. And unfortunately with nothing to go on, she was worried that he would.

“Charlie… I know talking about it upsets you-”

“Because you don't want to talk about it!” She yelled out, jumping out of her chair and glaring. That was the crux of it, he wouldn't tell her anything and she got upset about it because she knew nothing at all. She wanted something, anything at all to prove her worst fears wrong.

Anxiety bubbled up in her as Lucifer stared at her, she felt like sinking into the floor as her guts started churning in worry. She wished Vaggie were here, her girlfriend would be able to steady her just with presence alone but she was off in the Circle of Murder and here she was in Tyranny with her dad.

They were hundreds of miles apart from one another.

“I just…” She breathed in and out before sinking back into her chair again. “I just want you to trust me.”

A look of pain crossed his face, something broken and depressed, before a small smile graced his lips. “What do you want to know?”

She grunted with annoyance before the meaning of his words sank into her brain, her head jerking up quick as she stared at him in shock and hope. “You mean it?”

He nodded and a million and one questions bubbled up to the surface and she struggled to find even a single one to ask. Her mouth opened and closed as a stream of pure consciousness threatened to break free over and over.

And finally a question bubbled up free from the others. “What does she do?”

He smiled happily. “She actually works with animals as a vet. She helps them get-”

“I know what a vet is.” She had actually gone down to Sloth to train under Auntie Belphy to learn the tricks and tips of helping others back when she began her road to the Happy Hotel. Belphy had given her so much in the way of ideas and advice and she would be forever grateful to the Sin of Sloth.

She missed helping Hellhound puppies. It had been nice… granted, she had spent most of her time playing with them rather than actually doing her job which may have contributed to her being asked to leave after only a few months but she couldn't help it! They were so cute!

Auntie Bee wouldn't have blamed her.

“She works with animals?” She hadn’t known that, and it was something. Working with animals was something that she could work with.

She still wasn't… well, she was still iffy about her but at least she knew she was good with animals.

That was something at least.

“Can you tell me anything more about her animal work?” She asked, curious despite herself. Her father smiled and she felt one cross her face as well.


Lucifer wasn't blind. He knew that Charlie was upset about many different things but none of them he could fix.

He knew she liked the sinners of Hell for… some reason. He was trying, he really was, to see things from her perspective when it came to them but it was so hard when all the news wanted to talk about was a 24-hour cycle of violence, sex, drugs, and horror that everyone inflicted on everyone else.

If he turned on the TV and heard about one more territorial gang war he was going to lose it.

On top of that, he had an entire dimension sized kingdom to run so if he happened to let Pride fall to the wayside, well, they should have tried better when they were alive. He and Lilith had given them free will and this is what they did with it? Endless debauchery and violence on a scale unimagined?

He had tried his best with them in the early days. He had tried what Charlie was doing right now (granted, the concept of a hotel hadn't been invented yet so it was a little different) and he had gone above and beyond to try and prove to Heaven and Father he hadn't screwed up royally with the Apple.

Granted it had done unspeakable things to Eve but… no, there was no But: he was in here for that forever.

He shook his head, feeling the weight of a hundred eyes on him from all around the room. That happened sometimes when he thought of Eve while down here: he would feel eyes on him from nowhere, a voice on the wind whispering nothing, his Fight Or Flight would start acting up like he was some small prey animal in the presence of a predator…

He didn't like thinking about Eve no matter the location, though Hell was slightly worse than most.

And yet, as he spoke to his daughter about Camila’s vet work, he found himself thinking about a problem that needed direct fixing sooner rather than later.

Camila and Charlie.

He knew Charlie still idolized Lilith and there was nothing wrong with that! But… It made talking about his new girlfriend a bit awkward. He knew that she still hoped that Lilith would come back but it was looking increasingly likely that Lilith would never return to Hell.

He could forgive many things from the woman that he… that if he were honest, a part of him would always love, but hurting Charlie with her negligence like he had was a step too far.

But that was another problem entirely. First he should focus on Camila and Charlie.

He wasn't planning on breaking up with Cam, which meant that she would probably be in his life for a long while. A part of him wanted to just say f*ck it and let everyone deal with the consequences but that was the same selfish part of him that stayed days in bed doing nothing but existing and wishing he didnt.

He would… he would talk to Cam about possibly pushing the families meeting a bit sooner than later. He needed something that they could all do together to get everyone to get along and make peace with one another.

The problem is that he didn't know anything. He didn't really know much of anything outside of Gravesfield and even then, he barely knew Gravesfield. His options for where to have everyone meet were limited when it came to the human world.

Because he would quite literally rather throw himself at his Brother’s ‘mercy’ than bring Camila or her lovely seeming family anywhere near Hell.

He kept his thoughts to himself, however, as he spoke.

Still, he should probably ask her about having a date sometime soon… probably after the dinner since he didn't want to spend time on his phone during family time. He would have to be sneaky about bringing Charlie up to the human world, however. It wouldn't due to arouse Heaven’s suspicions.

If they learnt that he was regularly visiting the human world, or Father forbid if they learnt that he was planning on taking Charlie… well, they wouldn't learn.

They wouldn’t.

Nothing at all could go wrong.

As Lucifer delighted his daughter with tales of cute animals being treated well by a less-than-literal angel, he tried to think of how to solve the many problems before him.


Hopefully that was a fun chapter and well worth the wait. Again, this was always going to be a transitory chapter for setting up future... stuff. Like the Double Date and the future meeting between the Morningstars and the Noceda's.

I know my style of writing so far has been hap-hazard but I assure you I have a definite end goal in mind.

Also, Charlie's 'selfishness' is taken from one of the cutest Chaggie fan comics ive ever seen. Kudo's to you if you know what im talking about

Next Chapter: We take a brief interlude to see what the Imps-Formerly-Known-As-I.M.P are up to and take a ride aboard the Stolitz train. I am very much looking forward to writing this chapter.

Chapter 19: Interlude: The imps formerly known as I.M.P...


We meet back up with Moxxie, Millie, Blitz, and Loona and see how they are doing since certain changes came up in their lives

Also, we take a ride aboard the Stolitz train.


*Ringing a dinner bell* Stolitz shippers! Come get your din-din!

In all honesty this was a chapter I was looking forward to writing for awhile. I was actually going to make it the 50k view chapter gift but then life happened and I took a break so that never happened. Luckily, I found a way to naturally incorporate it into the story so you get it anyway.

This was a really fun chapter to write and at 8.1 and a half K words and 21 pages, it also may be the longest chapter I've written. There will be longer, don't you worry. Especially during the Double Date.

Anyway, i hope you all enjoy some feels, since this chapter has a lot of them.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Wrath was perhaps the wildest and most rugged of the Rings of Hell.

From the moment of its creation, born from the blood and bones that made up Hell itself, it had been a wild frontier of a Ring: Vast volcanoes dotted the landscape, each one holding a molten orb of pure rage that bled liquid magma into the caldera below. They rose and fell with a certainty that one could determine between night and day depending on their height in the sky.

Barely anything grew in Wrath, the heat-scorched ground too baked in many places for plant-life. Those oases of natural splendor were rare and coveted by farms and ranches for their natural bounties.

For everyone else, they relied on the local Goetia to use their vast magic to make crops grow. Plots full of Black Corn, entire grounds covered in Carnivorous Lettuce, groves of Wailing Trees, and vast fields of Bladed Wheat were grown using magic to ensure that the breadbasket of Hell never stopped giving.

Oh, and apples. Apples grew in abundance throughout all of Hell.

Every year the Goetia would gather their local estates and farms together to curse the farms with the light of the True Harvest Moon, ensuring a bumper crop of produce that would feed the hordes of hell for another year.

To be a farmer in Wrath was to be a hardy and simple folk. Though it was slightly easier for Ranchers in that the beasts and monsters of hell were in abundance throughout the wastelands of Wrath. Was it any wonder that Satan’s Paradise was home to the vast majority of imps throughout all of Hell?

They flocked to the scorched ring, starting farming communities or escaping from the suffering of Pride far above. Satan allowed them into his Ring on the promise that they would revere him as a god. And so Impkind worshiped the Strongman of Hell and formed small communities around satanic temples.

In a distant locale of Wrath, bathed in the light of three volcanoes, was a simple ranch owned and operated by the same family since the founding of Wrath itself. Back then imps had simply come up with whatever they wished for a last name and one imp and her family had jokingly said that they had no last name.

And thus was the Knolastname Family, and their ranch simply known as the “Rough N’ Tumbleweed Ranch” born.

Producers of the finest hellboars for several dozen miles, the Knolastnames had ruggedly carved out a simple existence for themselves and found that it was good. They were farmers to their core and nothing at all would change that.

Moxxie Knolastname, he had taken Millie’s name in the marriage, was currently hyperventilating into a paper bag as he watched his very pregnant wife ride a hellboar standing up.

“YEEHAW!” Millie Knolastname, his beloved wife he worshiped every day, was several months pregnant at this point and yet the short woman had only gotten more active in her daily life: throwing herself into physical activities with a smile on her face and a laugh on her lips. Personally, Moxxie would have preferred if she didn't do any of the dangerous activities she had been up to… but at least she agreed to come down to Wrath until the baby was born.

Getting into firefights and bloodbaths would probably not be the best thing for the baby. Not that riding a hellboar around its pen while holding a knife in one hand and the reins in the other while standing up was any better but at least no bullets were flying towards her.

He hyperventilated yet again into the bag and tried not to panic as she reared the hellboar up and brought her knife to its throat with a crazed laugh.

“Calm down, boy.” A meaty hand slapped him on the back, sending him stumbling forward. Joe Knolastname was… well, he was a bit of a hardass. He had once disapproved of Millie and his relationship but now? Now things were, well, slightly better. Sure, he occasionally recommended he hit a gym to bulk up but he no longer vocally disapproved of his relationship.

Helping Millie take on an assassin posing as a farmhand and giving them a grandchild went a long way to mending bridges.

Joe looked down at him with an understanding in his eyes. “Lin was the same way when she was pregnant with Millie, she’ll be fine.” He co*cked his head at the boar wrangling Millie with a smile. “Sign that your kid is gonna be a wild child. You have my sympathies in advance: they're gonna be a handful.”

He let out a despairing wheeze as Millie flipped the boar over in the air, still riding it’s back, and brought it down into a dead stop on the ground.

“Nice one, honey!” Lin Knolastname, Millie’s mother and co-owner of the ranch, said from over by the house. The imp woman was currently sharpening a few knives as she watched her daughter begin fricasseeing the hellboar with a murderous gusto. “You show that beastie who’s boss!”

“Thanks ma!” Millie called out, Standing up from her kill and cracking her back, the babybump on her stomach pronounced. She shook her black locks free of dirt and looked towards him and Joe. “Dinner’s ready!”

He let out a little whine while Joe hopped over the fence and began collecting what meat he could from the messy butcher job Millie had done. Behind them in the other pens, massive and ferocious looking hellboars all cowered in total fear of the return of the destroyer known simply as Millie.

Millie struggled over the fence herself, the baby bump causing her to stumble slightly, before she stood before her adoring husband with a proud smile. “You see that, Moxxie? Five months pregnant and i still got it!”

“I’m-” He swallowed his nerves and fears and offered a shaky smile and a thumbs up that only slightly wobbled. “I’m very happy for you, sweetie.”

She offered a gentle smile, “Mox, I know you’re… not comfortable with me being active while all this is happening, but thanks for understanding.”

He smiled at his lovely wife. “Course, Mil. I’ll always have your back.” Even if he really, really wished she would maybe do less physically strenuous activities while pregnant. He wasn't willing to make an argument over it, however.

Behind her, gathering bloody meat into his arms, Joe offered him a simple nod of his head and he almost fell over crying.

The small family of imps made their way inside where Sallie May Knolastname, proud sister of Millie and local bloodsport aficionado, kicked her feet up on the table and read a rather racy looking romance novel while Barry and Terry Knolastname, elder brothers of the family, grappled and fought on the ground.

The exact reason for their current fight was unclear and long forgotten, they simply fought for fighting's sake.

Larry Knolastname, eldest brother and firstborn child as well as heir to the ranch, was putting the finishing touches on the table while making sure that his brother's fight didn't mess with the plates or utensils.

“‘Bout time y’all came in.” Larry said with a smile, his table setting now finished. “Just got the last of the fine silverware out for dinner. You actually get dinner, Mil?”

Joe went over to start up the oven, getting out homemade cast-iron cookware and beginning to fry up the hellboar meat. “Course she did. She’s a vicious little thing, ain't she?”

“Oh, stop it dad!” Millie complained as he helped his wife into a seat, getting an annoyed glance at his hovering. “Mox, I can sit down fine by myself. I’m pregnant, not injured.”

“I know, I know…” He sighed and offered a shaky smile. “I just… I want to be there for you every step of the way.” Millie smiled at him and he smiled back-

“Simp.” Sallie May said simply, turning a page in her book as he deflated and Millie glared at her sister.

“Big talk for someone whose last relationship was several years ago.” She snarked and Sallie May simply co*cked an eyebrow over her book and grinned co*ckily.

“That you know of.”

“... what’s that supposed to mean?”

Yeah, Sallie May.” Lin leveled a stern glance at her younger daughter, causing the imp to startle. “What does that mean?”

Sallie May looked at all her family members staring at her, even Barry and Terry, and simply sighed. “sh*t, shouldn’t have said that.”

As Lin grilled her younger daughter about any and all potential relationships she didn't know about, Larry came forward with a glass of water and a nervous look on his face.

“So sis, i was thinking…” He coughed into his fist and tried to look serious. “I don’t know if you have thought about who you’re going to make the hellfather, but i’d like to throw my hat into the ring as-”

He and his wife smiled at one another as Millie cut her brother off. “Actually, we know exactly who we’re going to make the hellfather. He may be a bit… much, but we couldn’t think of anyone better for the job.”

Moxxie sighed and chuckled to himself. “Blitz is definitely more than a bit much, but we kind of talked it over and wanted him to be the hellfather from jump.”

Larry looked disappointed briefly before a sly smile crossed his face. “Then I guess I'll have to be the favorite uncle, then.”

“Satan’s mercy you aint!” Barry and Terry both launched themselves at their brother and began a three way war for the future title of favorite uncle.

Moxxie simply smiled at the scene.

His childhood had been… nightmarish was one way to put it, that was for sure. He had fled the family business first chance he got after getting out of Mammon’s Funtime Prison Industrial Complex alongside Blitz and never once looked back. The family business was not for him, the Ring of Greed wasn't for him. He left for pride alongside his newfound friend and made a pitstop in Wrath where he met the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and the rest, as they say, was history.

Oh, for sure, Joe and Lin hadn’t liked him at first but it was fine. They didn't hate him, he knew for a fact what hatred felt like thanks to Crimson, so he knew he had a chance of winning them over and getting the happy family life he had always wanted. And now he had a child on the way, his in-laws liked him… well, they didn't treat him coldly any more, and he had a well paying job with a boss who may have been eccentric out the ears but was at the end of the day a far sight better than any of the thugs, mules, enforcers, and hitmen he had grown up around.

Blitz would be a good hellfather… even if he was going to be insufferably smug about being picked.

Speak of Satan and he shall appear…’ he thought to himself as his phone began to ring, the familiar circus tunes playing out as Blitz called him.

He opened the phone and began to speak. “Sir, i know it’s been a few weeks but-” A veritable wall of noise came out of the phone and he pulled away to get a better listen. “Sorry, sorry, what?”

Millie kicked her feet back and forth as her father finally finished his prep for the future meal of Barbecue they would all enjoy. “So, Y’all think about names yet?” he asked from his position at the stove.

“We’ve actually been struggling with that for a bit.” Millie explained, downing her glass of water quickly. “Been looking online for any that speak up but haven't seen any.”

“I’m sorry, what happened to the business?” Moxxie asked, his brow furrowed as he walked back and forth.

“Ain't gonna find a good name on your interwebs or whatever.” Joe said, frowning down as he added brown sugar and butter to the pan to make the hellboar meat extra tasty. “Didn't have any of that new-fangled Voxxerwebs or whatever when we came up with y’alls names now did we, hun?”

“Sure didn't, sweetie.” Lin said, temporarily stopping her grilling of Sallie May to turn to her elder daughter. “We just threw a bunch of names into a hat and pulled them out each time one of y’all was born.”

Moxxie immediately began to choke on air as his eyes bulged out and he clawed at his throat with his freehand.

“You’re kidding, that’s how we all got our names?” Millie asked, shocked as even Sallie May looked at their mom oddly.

“Gotta admit, that's kinda weird that we didn't get wacked out names or anything.” The younger daughter said before she threw a confused glance at Moxxie. “Is… is, um, your husband alright or anything?”

Millie turned around in her chair to look at a horrified and shocked Moxxie who was scrambling to not drop his phone. “Babe, everything alri-”

“What do you mean I.M.P. Doesn’t exist anymore!?” He screeched, his voice reaching a higher octave than normal.

EVeryone paused before the silence was broken by Sallie May laughing herself silly, sinking into her chair as she loudfly guffawed. Joe turned around and began filling a cup full of beer, a sigh of disappointment on his lips. “Knew an imp running his own business was a recipe for trouble…” He grumbled to himself.

The brothers stopped their war as Larry loudly proclaimed “Satan yes! I still have a chance!”

“Mox, is that true?” Millie was absolutely shocked, they hadn't even been gone a month yet!

“Blitz just said that the business is shuttered and gone now, royal orders.” He said listlessly, a growing panic in his voice. “Oh crumbs, we’re jobless hobos now!”

“Like hell I'm letting my daughter be a hobo, y’all can stay here and work the farm like Satan intended.” Lin said seriously, crossing her arms and nodding to herself. Joe just settled into his chair and began to drink from his beer glass.

“Mox won't last a week.” Sallie May said simply with an impish smile, causing Millie to glare at her sister.

“I don't understand, sir! We were only gone a- Wait, what?” Moxxie held the phone to his ear and listened before his eyes bulged out and he dropped the phone entirely.

Before anyone could respond he dropped to the ground and scrambled to pick up the phone, pressing it tightly to his ear with a wild look on his face.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE WORK FOR THE MORNINGSTARS NOW!?” Moxxie screeched like a banshee.

Silence descended for a few moments until Joe dropped his cup and started coughing hard, the porcelain shattering on the wooden floor. Lin gasped, staring at her son in law with shocked eyes. Sallie May blinked a bit and co*cked her head to the side with a simple "Bullsh*t.”

Larry, Barry, and Terry all stopped their fight on the floor, shocked looks on their face as they stared at their sister and brother-in-law.

Millie? She immediately scrambled out of her chair, pressing her face flush against his and practically yanked the phone towards her, the screen cracking slightly with how hard she was gripping it. “What'dya mean we work for the Royal Family!?” She yelled, her accent tripling in thickness from shock.


“I mean we work for the peak of royalty now! We're basically the greatest imps who ever lived now! Satan himself will be looking at us in respect!” Blitz was reclining in his swivel chair, spinning around lazily as he talked to his missing employees… did they still count as employees or coworkers now?

Eh, he would figure it out later.

All the personal effects and knicknacks he had collected over his life were now stored away in boxes as his desk was being carried out by flying red goat demons that looked more like stuffed toys than any demon he’d ever seen in his life. Pretty strong bastards too, they didn't even break a sweat as the two miniature demons lifted the oaken desk up and out of the room.

Loona was currently emptying out her desk alongside… Was it Vaggie or Maggie? He hadn’t exactly been paying attention when they first met and they’d spent the entire trip over with her grilling him about every aspect of his life and looking for any reason to kick him and Loona to the curb.

She did not like the two of them. Which was fair, he didn't like her either so far.

Sir, how in the f*ck did we end up going from assassins to bodyguards in the span of a month!?” Moxxie, poor and smooth-brained Moxxie, asked all the way from Wrath. He threw a bouncy ball into the air and caught it with a grin.

“Well, first of all: we were never assassins, it never happened at all and nothing you say can change that. Secondly: Loona and I saved the King of Hell himself from a crazy homeless man with a knife and got rewarded by not dying!”

... how does that at all-

“Then,” he continued, blatantly ignoring Mox as he spoke aloud his recollection of events. “We made our way over to the princesses' big hotel and applied for a job. You should’ve seen it, Mox! It was glorious…” Blitz coughed into a fist and began his tale


Blitz, mighty and glorious, strode into the Happy Hotel like a greek god atop a burning Hellsteed. The creature was midnight black with liquid flame all around it as it pranced and danced its way into the hotel just like he had taught it to.

“I have decided that the assassination game is too boring, and that I wish to do right by Hell and protect the Princess.” He said, his all natural horns curling gracefully down his back.

“Growl.” Said the gray-skinned sinner Maggie, hunched over like a gremlin and glaring at everything around her. “Growl, snarl snarl, growl.”

“Maggie is right, we are super grateful you’ll be here to protect us.” Charlie Morningstar was sitting on a literal rainbow, quieves puppies frolicking around her as phoenixes rested on her arms and trilled birdsong with her every word. “Though I would like to know your references.”

“My references?” He scoffed, his laugh powerful and absolutely masculine, his horse Buttercup whinnying in amusem*nt at someone doubting his master. “You don't need my references! I can kill anyone anywhere, and I'm the first imp to ever run his own business as his own boss!”

“Growl?” Maggie the sinner asked, her head co*cked to the side. “Snarl, snarl growl.”

“That is impressive, you’re right again Maggie.” Charlie reached into hammerspace and drew out a flank of steak, throwing it to the sinner who grabbed it with her teeth and began to death-roll like an alligator.

“I can’t believe that I'm in the presence of the greatest imp to ever live!” Charlie descended from her rainbow, babies laughing and flowers blooming around her hooves as she stepped onto the ground. “Tales of how you brave the human world have reached even my ears and I got to say: My dad was totally wrong, you guys rock!”

“It’s just the job, princess.” He said, cleaning his teeth with a toothpick like an absolute badass. “And now my job is protecting you from whatever dangers threaten you.”

“That's so wonderful!” Charlie reached into her pockets and began hurling diamonds at him. “Have all the money in Hell you glorious cut of beef, you!”

“You see that, that's why my dad is the best!” Loony said happily from behind him, staring at him like he personally wrestled God and gave him a noogie while she wore her “My dad could beat up your dad!” Shirt that he had bought her one sinmas that he never saw her wore. Except now she was because she was so proud of him.

“That’s right my darling daughter who can do no wrong!” He said proudly, reaching down to ruffle her mane while she laughed and started singing his praises. “I am the best!”

Buttercup whinnied in agreement and everyone laughed with him about how great he was.

“You sure are, Blitz.” A grand procession came forth as Lucifer stood at the head of the royal guard, his expression amused from atop his golden throne carried by a hundred sinners. “And in recognition of your services I have decided to make a grand reversal of fortune.”

Stolas, big and beautiful arrogant Stolas, was led in on a leash while he bowed before him like royalty. “Blitz, I know that I have only ever seen you as a toy but that stops now. I have decided to make you the newest head of my house while I become your lowly servant.”

“So now you shall understand how it feels to be caught up in a royals web.” He nodded to himself and Stolas preened. “No more derogatory names or treating me like a toy, from now on you shall treat me like an equal.”

“Of course, my lord Blitz.” Stolas bowed while the Morningstars approached.

“Blitz, for being such a stand up guy we have decided that you and your daughter shall be named Demons Of The Century for being so great and awesome.” Lucifer explained while a literal beam of light shot down from Heaven and wrapped around Princess Charlie like a blanket.

“I can't wait to work for you, Blitz. Your horns are huge and absolutely all natural.” She said with a titter.

“What can i say: I’m too much man for most to handle.” He bragged while his horns, now so long and large that they reached the floor and now curled back up to meet his chin, shone in the light. Maggie, now covered from head to toe in blood, hopped over and handed her spear to him.

“Growl.” She explained, nodding. “Growl snarl.”

He held the spear up high, Buttercup rearing up with a loud cry so he looked absolutely amazing, while Stolas clung to his legs like a demure maiden from those books that Barbie pretended she never read. Everyone clapped for him and chanted his name.

“Blitz! Blitz! Blitz! Blitz… Blitz… Blitz?”


“Blitz? Are you even listening to me? That's not at all what happened.”

He was so stuck in explaining his accurate summation of events that Loona was able to sneak up on him and grab the phone out of his hands. “Hey! I was still using that!”

Loona, is that you?” Moxxie said from the other end. “I was sort of waiting for somebody to tell me the truth about what happened to make us work for the Morningstars and-”

“What happened was that Blitz opened the door, threw away the careful speech i had written for him, and then threw himself at the princesses hooves to complain about loosing the business and how he ‘needed to provide for me’ so if she could please hire us before we become homeless that would be great.” Loona, his darling traitor of a daughter, shot holes into his absolutely similar to reality and 99% accurate retelling of events.

“It could've happened that way…” He crossed his arms petulant and frowned into the distance.

“No, Blitz.” She said, leveling a Look at him. “No it couldn't.”

So… Do we still have jobs?” Millie asked from over the phone, the pregnant imp sounding terrified. “Please tell me we still have jobs!

“That is… a great question.” Loona turned to look at him with a confused expression. “I mean, we lied to the king about you both working for us to save you from execution-”

Wait, hold on, what!?” Moxxie screeched, his voice audible even from where he sat.

“Do that again and I'm hanging up.” Loona snarled before pinching the space between her eyes. “Basically, it's unclear if you still have jobs but the answer is probably… probably.”

Well that's… something I guess.” Moxxie sounded so confused about everything that he didn't know whether to laugh or ask after him, so he settled for continuing to throw the ball into the air over and over. “Should we come back, or-

Blitz let the ball fall to the ground as he scrambled out of the chair, yanking the phone back out of Loona’s hands as he shoved her away. “You and Mil just stay cooped up in Wrath, you crazy kids you. Feel free to visit after the Extermination though.”

“Also,” He stared down at the phone with a look of determination. “Since me and Loony now work for the King of Hell, it means if you choose anyone but me for Hellfather you’ll be cursed for several generations!”

Silence carried over the line for several moments. “Sir, you were always-

“What was that, Moxxie? Of course the man who just got us all a job with the big boss of hell himself is going to be the hellfather? Oh, you shouldn't have!”


“Tell Millie’s sh*tty brothers they can suck it! I’m hellfather now bitch!” He cut the call and collapsed down into the swivel chair once more, spinning around with a laugh. Loona rolled her eyes and went back to packing up her things while the door to their (former) office opened once more and Maggie the sinner strolled in with her ever present scowl on her face.

“I was waiting for several minutes- where were you two?” She asked, fists on her hips while the two flying squeaky toys dove in and began collecting boxes like Mammon Brand Gachamon.

He grinned and rolled the swivel chair out till he was looking up at Maggie. “Well, Maggie-”

“I have told you a hundred times it’s Vaggie.”

“Vaggie, then.” He continued as he rolled his way over to the company fridge, pulling out an energy drink before one of the flying goat butlers pulled the entire fridge up and added it to the impossibly big pile of boxes and equipment they were carrying without any struggle at all. “See Vaggie, an absolute baller like me has many friends-”

“No, he doesn't.” Loona said simply as she stuffed her monitor down into her box of personal effects.

“-and so i was simply telling future employees of mine that we’ll be working for the princess for the foreseeable future.” He finished grumpily, shooting a small glare at Loona who simply shrugged her shoulders.

Vaggie sighed and pinched her nose. “So you’re saying that you were on the phone this entire time while I was getting your van ready for transport?”

“Pretty much, yeah.” He said, bringing the swivel chair back towards her. “Shoulda brought the spider slu*t with you.”

“Angel dust was too busy flirting with the Lust hellborn fixing up the hotel to come along.” She said simply, trying to ignore the memory of his terribly horny flirting with the incubi who had come on Asmodeus’ orders. Already, a lot of the cracks and detritus of the hotel was gone and they were fixing it up under Charlie’s supervision.

Although it was taking forever because Angel kept distracting the hellborn with his… himself.

He shrugged, not knowing enough about the fluffy spider guy to determine whether he liked him or not. He was obnoxiously horny but had yet to talk down to him for being an Imp and he hadn't flirted with Loony so he was leaning towards liking the guy.

The spider had flirted with him though, so that was nice.

Look,” Vaggie said, trying to keep calm as she paced around the rapidly emptying room. “I can't fill the Van more than I already have so we’ll need to start tying things to the roof before we can leave.” She leveled a stern glance at the both of them. “I am going to need your full cooperation and assistance with this, no more distractions.”

There was a knock on the door and she sighed in annoyance. “Or we could just have even more distractions. Screw it, why not?”

Whoever was on the other side knocked again while Blitz remained in his swivel chair and Loona kept packing up. “Are either of you going to get that?” Vaggie asked, her eye twitching.

“Nah, I'm not a secretary anymore.” Loona said simply.

“I would but it’s just so far away…” He said with an impish grin, reaching out and waving his hand through the air as he pretended to reach for the door.

Vaggie sighed even harder this time and marched over to the door, throwing it open and glaring at whoever was on the other side. “I.M.P is closed, come back later.”

“Whatever do you mean it’s closed?” A beautifully annoyingly familiar voice said from the hallway and he jumped to his feet and rushed over to see Stolas, big and beautiful haughty Stolas, looking confused in his fine red garments that looked like they cost more than his entire apartment.

“Stolas, what are you doing here?” He asked, refusing to admit how happy he was to see the giant Goetia again. But he was confused because why in Hell would he be here? He had ruined everything by not going to the hospital like he ruined every other relationship he had ever had.

Not that they had a relationship, mind you, because Stolas saw him as a toy and nothing more. So technically he hadn’t ruined anything because there was nothing there to ruin.

Christ on a stick, he was lonely…

“Oh sh*t, Stolas is here?” Loona came over and looked around behind him. “‘Tavia here at all?”

“Right here, Loona.” Octavia, heiress of the Noble House Of Stolas, peaked around from behind her father and smiled at her fellow goth. “Thought i would swing by when I learned dad was coming over here. Haven’t seen you in forever.”

Loona hopped over and the two goths, one a hellhound and the other an avian Goetia, made their way down the hall as they talked about weird taxidermy and occult magic together.

Stolas smiled at the sight, his beak shining in the light of the overhead. “I… Well, I am glad that she had more friends. Most of her old ones left when… certain things about me came out.”

“You mean when you and I boned for the first time?” He asked with a co*cked eyebrow and a sly grin, taking guilty delight at how the tall Goetia noble blushed and squirmed. The full impact of what he was implying hit him a second later and he winced. “sh*t, sorry about-”

“No, no no, it’s fine. Well, i mean, it's not fine but it is what it is.” Stolas said with an awkward chuckle. The beautiful co*cky noble scratched the back of his head. “Nobility isn't… well, noble’s aren’t always noble if you understand my meaning.”

“Honestly, I haven't met many other than Charlie so I wouldn’t know.” Vaggie inserted herself expertly into the conversation, leaning against the doorframe and looking up at the giant Goetia demon. “Hi, Vaggie.” She thrust out a hand.

Stolas blinked, looking down at the offered hand and reached out to shake it. “I… actually think i remember you from our princesses coronation, you were the sinner she made us give a temporary pass to the lower rings.”

“Yep, that’s me.”

“Allow me to introduce myself properly to our princesses' paramour.” Stolas made a sweeping bow, his black top hat almost falling off of his feathery head as he leaned over in front of her. “My name is Stolas, of the Noble House Of Stolas. It is a true pleasure to meet the one who has caught our princesses’ eye.”

A genuine smile appeared on Vaggie’s face as she dropped into an impressive curtsy, the sinner and the Goetia showed respect to one another and he felt… strange about it. Resentful that the sinner had never shown him an ounce of that respect and yet strangely happy that Stolas and she got along.

It was weird and confusing and he did what he did with all emotions he didn't like: Bottled them up and forced them deep down where they couldn't bother him anymore.

“Well isnt this just a nice little picture.” He forced himself between the two of them and brought his arms over their shoulders, bringing them close to him as he smiled at the two. “Vaggie, Stolas. Stolas, Vaggie. She’s kind of a coworker of mine now.”

“Oh, you work with Blitz now?” Stolas asked and he blinked. No Blitzy? No horny bird flirting? Just… his name and what almost felt like respect? Life had certainly gotten odd since he and Loona date-crashed the king.

“You… could say that, I guess.” Vaggie looked confused as she got out of his grip and looked the two of them over. “So what's the deal with-”

The two flying toys came by laden with more boxes and materials than a team of strongmen could carry, flying out towards the stairway as the elevator would never hold them up. They flew past the three of them and made their way downwards as they continued the task that literally everyone else involved with had abandoned.

“Oh, sh*t! I gotta make sure they don't break the van!” Vaggie rushed off. “If you guys break it we’ll be trapped here for days!”

The two of them watched her go before looking at one another again. A million emotions roared through his heart and he smothered them all in a wave of professional disinterest.


The Goetia looked confused. “Are you and your little team moving out?”

How to tell your kind-of sort-of boyfriend except not really that you did the one thing he asked you not to: get caught, and by the one demon you never wanted to learn what you were doing? Simple, you don't. “Something like that.” He said instead of an answer. “What brings your bird ass over, anyway?”

Stolas hesitated and waffled before finally blurting out, “I would like to offer you something!”

He blinked and Stolas looked pained and heartbroken as he began speaking softly. “I… have been a terrible bore. I treated you like, like you would always be at my beck and call and it’s… it’s not right!”

Whatever he was expecting, it certainly wasn't that. His mind began to bluescreen as Stolas began to… apologize.

To him.

“I… I have done a lot of thinking these past few months, about the… transactional nature of our relationship.” The beautiful bird breathed in and out, wringing his fluffy hands together as he looked him in the eye like he mattered. “I want… I want you, Blitz. But I don't want you just because I have the book you need.”

He reached into his back pocket and brought out an asmodean crystal, the pink gem shining in the light. “I pulled some strings and… I managed to get you this. It’s… a replacement for the book.”

Stolas looked ready to cry. “You don't need the book anymore with this. You can give it back to me and we can… we can never speak to each other again if that would be what you prefer. You wont need me anymore with this so if you never wish to see me again it will now be in your power.”

The big, beautiful bastard offered the gem out to him like a prized diamond, except it was so much more than that. “You may give me back the book at any time you please… and we can go our separate ways. Though if you would like to start over… Well, I would very much prefer that we start over.” He looked him right in the eyes. “Because no matter how much I love you, I want you to decide.”

It was everything he had ever wanted out of Stolas. It was… it was everything he had wished for: Confirmation Stolas cared, freedom from under his thumb, a way to become equal to the beautiful bird, a tool to cut all the strings pulling him. It was everything he had wanted.

A storm of emotions roared through him as he stared at the gem, his eyes never once leaving the pink crystal in fear of breaking down if he even glanced at Stolas. Stolas, who cared about him. Stolas who cared enough to do this.

Stolas, who he had hurt over and over thinking he didn't care at all.

Stolas, who he had left alone in the hospital because he thought the bird didn't give a sh*t about him other than sex.

Stolas, who he had callously left alone after the disaster at Ozzie’s because… because he had never once believed himself worthy of love. Not from Fizzi, not from Verosika, and not from Stolas.

He ruined everything he touched, destroyed lives simply by entering them… I mean, Stolas said it himself: simply by sleeping with the bird bastard his daughter’s social life was ruined! If that wasn't a sign he was cursed goods then he didn't know what was.

Maybe his father was right… maybe he did deserve the back of his hand all those times during childhood. Maybe he was just a leech that dragged everyone down just by existing.

Maybe he deserved Cash’s belt.

He ruined everything and yet here was Stolas offering him everything he had wanted out of the Goetia. No more Blitzy’s, no more transactional f*cking, no more being treated like a pet.

Just Stolas. Just his love.


Why in Hell would Stolas ever do this? He knew the answer but couldn't accept it at all. His feelings were reciprocated. Why? Why in Hell would Stolas care about him in the first place?

He stared at the gem that was a sign of everything he had ever wanted to ask for. All the emotions raging inside him fought for dominance and he felt his mouth open and words come out without his say so.

“I.M.P. Doesn't exist anymore.”

Stolas blinked, his eyes confused as he just looked at… at the imp he loved. “I beg your pardon?”

“We, uh, we got found out on our last mission and now we’re changing jobs to a bodyguard service.” He said casually, his voice low and even as he struggled to get a handle on his emotions.

Stolas looked at him and then glanced down at the gem. “So, ah…”

“Yeah, I don't really need the gem anymore.” He explained, his knees shaking slightly.

Stolas blinked again before the full force of his words hit him and he dropped the gem and grabbed ahold of him by the shoulders, shaking him slightly as his beak practically pressed against his face. “You were found out!?” He hissed, his voice panicked and yet quiet as he threw a nervous glance towards the elevator and stairwell for any signs of demons coming forward. “Who found you!?”

“The… ah, king himself?” He offered lamely, a nervous smile on his face.

Stolas’ feathers puffed up in agitation as he dropped him and began to pace back and forth anxiously. “The king himself!?” He began to hyperventilate. “If it gets out I helped you, I'm done for. Forget losing custody of Octavia, I'll be killed as a traitor to hell itself!” The bird began to freak out before something occurred to him and he rushed over to him.

“You- you’re alright, yes? The king didn't hurt you, did he? I don't- I don't want you to be hurt!”

And now the Goetia was worried. For him.

Because he cared about him for some reason. Love, the reason was love.

A million more emotions raged in him as he tried to comfort the Goetia. “Hey, hey, I'm okay. I managed to impress the king and none of us are getting executed.”

“Is,” Stolas swallowed nervously, still looking worried for him. “Does this have anything to do with your job change?”

“Actually… yeah.” He admitted. “I work for the princess now as a bodyguard.”

Stolas blinked and stared at him. “You… work for the Morningstars now?”

He nodded.

“You got found breaking the laws of Hell… and Lucifer Morningstar offered you a job?”

He nodded again.

Stolas let out a confused noise halfway between a hoot and a squeak. “Why?”

“I might have-” Wait, sh*t, does the king want to keep his date underwraps? He shouldnt test his luck with Lucifer again. “Actually, I can't say. Classified.” He shrugged. “You know how it is.”

Stolas looked at him before a nervous giggle left his beak. “I’m- I’m glad you’re happy.” A sad look crossed his face. “I guess… I guess you won't be needing this then?” He reached down and picked back up the asmodean crystal.

A look of pain mixed with happiness was on the beautiful bastard's face as he wavered slightly. “I… if you don't want to see me after this then-” He swallowed before continuing. “Then I'll understand. I treated you… most terribly and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to see me.” He laughed, a bitter and broken thing that sounded in pain. “Of course I would never keep Octavia from continuing her friendship with your daughter and I hope you feel the same, so we can just be… acquaintances. Professional acquaintances who know each other and nothing more.”

Stolas turned to leave and something in him broke.

Anger, it was anger.

You absolute piece of sh*t!” He yelled out, causing the bird to slump even further. “You don't get to just cut me out of your life after dropping all of that on me!”

Stolas actually stopped and turned around, something in his eyes that couldn't be identified.

“Oh no, you were a rich royal asshole! Big f*cking deal!” He stomped forward and began to poke the bird in his fancy vested chest. “I’m poison to everyone around me and yet you still wanted to be with me! I’ve been thinking for months you didn't even like me and now you not only drop this on me you go, ‘Oh bluh bluh, i'm just gonna leave and never talk to him again!’ Are you high!?”

He was snarling, rage and anger and love and comfort rushing through him as he glared up at the bastard who… who had a stranglehold on his emotions. “You don't get to decide if I want to keep you in my life or not, asshole! If i want to kiss you on your beautiful beak then you better believe i'll do it! In public! Where everyone can see!”

Stolas stared at him and there was actual hope in his eyes. “You… you want to kiss me?”

“Of course I want to kiss you, you absolute piece of sh*t!” Oh Satan was he blushing? He was absolutely blushing before the giant bird. This was terrible. “You said you loved me so guess what? You’re stuck with me now whether you like it or not!”

Stolas looked at him and a hoot escaped his beak, more and more slipping out before he was straight up laughing to himself. “Hell have mercy, i’m still being a terrible boyfriend aren't I?”

“Yeah, well, i'm also a terrible boyfriend so I guess it works out I guess.” He crossed his arms and looked away, still blushing despite himself.

“I guess we should- start over then?”

He looked back at the beautiful Goetia and smiled co*ckily, a devil-may-care attitude leaking out of him. “Sup, the name’s Blitzø, the ø is silent. You come here often, beautiful?”

Stolas just stared for several moments before giggling like a schoolboy. “That was terrible.”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“Because it was terrible.”

“Still haven’t told me your name, beautiful.”

Stolas smiled and offered a dainty hand to him. “Stolas, head of the most Noble House Of Stolas. Charmed to make your acquaintance.”

“Oh, you'll be meeting more of me than that.” He winked and the Goetia laughed, blushing like crazy. He frowned up at him when a stray thought crossed his mind. “So, about the kissing thing-”

Stolas looked down at him nervously. “Do… Do you still want to?”

The two demons awkwardly stared at one another before he began to lean in, Stolas leaning down to meet him as their lips and beak reached one another-

“Oh, for the love of Hell could you two just get a room!?”

Stolas and him broke apart with shock, turning to look at Loona and Octavia standing at the end of the hallway. Octavia had her beanie pulled down over her eyes while Loona looked annoyed at the two of them.

“Seriously, we leave the two of you alone for five minutes and you start having a giant sappy talk and try to kiss each other like a couple of virgins?” Loona looked annoyed, crossing her arms while Octavia just let out a noise of pure despair.

“Please, just go find a motel if you want to sort out whatever the hell the two of you are.” Octavia said simply, turning around to show her back to them both. “Like, I'm happy you’re happy dad but… I don't want to see you stick your tongue down his throat. Again.”

Stolas blushed and tugged at his collar with embarrassment. “Well, I'll… try to keep it to a minimum, my little owlet.”

“Don't make a promise you can’t keep.” He said with another co*cky grin, enjoying the way the giant demon squirmed. Stolas cared about him, he didn't deserve it but he had the giant demon's love. He was… happy? Yeah, he was definitely happy.

Things were looking up for him right now: He was definitely going to be the hellfather to M and M’s little tyke, Stolas loved him, he was working with royalty, Stolas loved him, he wasn't going to be punished for breaking Hell’s laws… did he mention that Stolas loved him?

Because Stolas f*cking loved him.

Nothing could break his happiness right now!

The elevator opened up and Vaggie stepped out, an annoyed expression on her face as the two goat butlers fluttered about like a halo. “So the van broke down and now we’re stuck here.” She explained casually before glancing up and seeing the odd tableau around her. “Did… did I miss something?”

“Yeah, hold that thought- You broke my van!?” Okay, he was wrong, something could in fact make him less happy about Stolas loving him. “Why is the van broken!?”

“Because despite telling you both that I needed help setting it up, you both decided to hang out rather than actually do the one thing I asked you to.” She said, annoyance in her voice.

“So now my van is broken and we’re stuck here!?” He squawked out, angry despite learning that Stolas loved him.

He was never going to get over that no matter what. Him, a living failure of a demon, had the love of a Goetia. Even his van being broken couldn't ruin things.

Though it could certainly try.

“Yes, we’re stuck here.” She glared at him. “Because, again, neither of you helped me!”

“Now now, lets all settle down.” Stolas stepped between the two of them, holding out fluffy hands to try and calm them down. “You may all stay at my estate for the night while I send for… what are they called? Mechanics? Yes, while I send for them you may stay with us for the night.”

“Oh, thank you.” Vaggie looked grateful and did another curtsy. "I, I don't know what to say."

Stolas waved her away. “Nonsense, my dear. Even if you weren’t the princesses’ paramour I would let you stay. You're Blitz’s friend after all.”

Friend is a strong word…”

“Coworker then.” The Goetia smiled at her. “Come, come. I'll have some servants swing by to finish up the loading and we’ll get you all situated for the night.”

Vaggie smiled. “Well, this might not be a total loss.”

“Oh, it will be.” Loona grabbed ahold of her shoulder and offered a look of pure pain. “You'll wish you were sleeping on the streets before the night's done.”

Vaggie rose an eyebrow, raising it further when Octavia nodded sadly. “Tonight will be horrible.”

“And… that is because…?” The one eyed woman asked.

“My father and Blitz just confirmed their love for one another and are now going to spend the evening in the same home: what do you think is going to happen?” Octavia asked and a look of worry crossed Vaggie’s face.

“Well, I mean, so long as they’re not loud-”

“They are.”

Vaggie looked pained. “Oh.”

“This is going to be the hardest night of my life.” The Goetia heiress said sadly while Loona typed away at her phone.

“I'm just going to get a hotel.” The hellhound said and both Vaggie and Octavia immediately began to beg her to take them with her.


Did everyone enjoy their Stolitz din-din?

God, but writing about someone who hates themselves is so fascinating to me, and Blitz definitely fits that. Luckily, his life seems to be going quite well right now.

Hope nothing happens in the near future to shake up his worldview and ruin his emotions :)

Next Chapter: Eda kidnaps her spouse to have a nice date in the human realm. And when i say kidnap, i mean it quite literally since she storms the government. No, not like that.

Chapter 20: Double Date: Part 1


Raine deals with that most eternal of headaches: politics.

Then they get kidnapped and it's perhaps the best part of their day


Hey all. That was a crazy thursday we all had now wasnt it? Site was down for hours... couldnt even access anything till it came back on.

Wish I could say that was why I didn't post friday... or yesterday but the truth is i couldn't write on Thursday and also I took yesterday to make sure that I didn't rush things in this chapter. I let a few scenes extend themselves so they could breathe. So... yeah. My schedule is all out of wack now so expect a chapter on Tuesday and Thursday and maybe Saturday.

Anywho, we have quite a few announcements to make right now: The first is that a prequel fic was written by a first time writer and the fact that that makes two different people who have written their first fics because of me... i have no words other than SQUEEEE~! Anyway, it takes place during Puritan times about Caleb so go check it out. I should have mentioned it last chapter and the fact i didn't is a shame.

The second story is one written by a cool cat from Spacebattles that continues the trend of giving Camila Noceda supernatural rizz in every sense of the word: It pairs her up with Wonder Woman. Yes, that Wonder Woman. Geez Camila, how come God let you have so much Rizz? Its rather well written and i recommend checking it out as well.

As for our second to last statement, i have a new editor since my last one went off to write his own story once more... I've mentioned it, The Silver Raven. Anywho, the new editor is a close personal friend of mine from reality who took up the job and I'm grateful for that. He's a professional editor, actually. That's actually why the chapter is very late as it's been peereviewed to ensure quality content.

That's... that's about it, yeah.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Raine Clawthorne, once head of the Bard Coven, turned head of the Bards Against the Throne, turned head of the Covens Against the Throne, and now head of the entire Boiling Isles, briefly considered whether or not simply riding out into the sunset and never looking back would be at all possible.

“... need to face the facts: we cannot return to the times of tyranny that ensnared us for so many decades.” Who the person before them was, well, Raine didn't actually remember. Derwin had told them and then a bunch of councilors had started arguing like they always did and now here they all were listening to an hour long soliloquy about freedom and liberty.

They would have liked it so much more if it weren’t for the reason this entire oration, belabored as it was, had even come up.

“Friends!” The multi-eyed demon said loudly, turning all around the room to all the new elected representatives and councilors that made up the new Republic of the Isles. “Titanfolk, witches and demons one and all: lend me your ears and tell me that I am wrong! Tell me that any in this room would prefer the tyrant Belos, that they would like to return to when our magic was restricted and our lives regimented. Tell me-”

He went on and on, and, at some point, they just stopped listening entirely. They looked around at all the others in the room and found that many of them were also nodding off.

“Our new Sovereign, long may they reign, has brought us to the first pitfall of any burgeoning home of the free: what to do when your monarch is wrong.” The multi-eyed demon, in their snazzy looking suit, cast a wide arm around the room. “Titanfolk, is it not right for us to question authority? Is that not what the Owl Lady preached? Should we not follow her example? Friends, we-”

They cut him off. “We’re not changing the emblem on the flag,” Raine Whispers, duly appointed Sovereign of the Republic Of The Isles by popular demand, said simply before they sighed deeply and sank into their throne. It was a simple one, no bigger than any of the other seats in the room, so as not to give them a big head.

That book Luz had given them, about some human country named Camelot, had made very sure to insist that a good and noble ruler ensured their subjects had equal say. There wasn't a round table big enough to fit the room so a round room was made instead.

“Tyrant!” the demon shouted. “The voice of the people has spoken, and it says that the flag is hideous and we need to change it!”

“We’ve changed the flag several times already!” one of the councilors from Glandula shouted out. “We can't keep changing it every time someone complains!”

“Then we have already lost our civil liberties!” the multi-eyed demon shouted out. “First we cannot change our flag and then what’s next? We can't change our leaders? Our Sovereign? Will we be moved about like pieces on a game board for some sick noble’s game!?”

And once again the Round Room fell into in-fighting and argument.

Raine would never wish to return to the Time of Tyranny… but by the Titan did they wish they could get away with just telling people to shut up and never talk about it ever again.

They hadn’t wanted the job; they had wanted to just safely retire and sleep for weeks and weeks cuddled up to Eda. Except everyone went crazy in the aftermath of the Emperor turning into a “giant kaiju” as Luz so eloquently put it (note to self: find out what a kaiju is) and nearly destroying the entire Boiling Isles for the second time in half a year.

Terra Snapdragon had wanted to be Empress, Hettie Cutburn had wanted to be Empress, Adrian Graye Vernworth had wanted to resurrect the Emperor and start a new crusade against all the non-believers… It was crazy. Raine had just wanted one moment of quiet to marry Eda and retire to the Owl House for the rest of their days.

Except doing that would lead to one of the Emperor’s lackeys taking over so they had rolled up their sleeves, taken their anxiety potions, and promptly got sh*t done. Through Derwin and Amber, because the idea of talking to the entire Boiling Isles all at once was still a terrifying experience despite going through two apocalypses and an attempted genocide.

And now here they were in the new capital of Bonesborough, in a rather quickly constructed capital building that they had fought tooth and nail to not have it resemble a castle.

The building was entirely circular, with a massive dome that topped the building. Many columns and arches held up the building and all around it were statues dedicated both to the nine forms of magic but also to the many ways said magic could mix and match into new, entirely unheard of forms.

In the center of the building, past the offices and meeting rooms, was a colossal chamber with many slowly rising tiers holding a number of equally sized and spartan thrones for all the elected representatives and councilors that the many towns and cities of the Isles had decided would represent them the best. Above the chamber was a beautiful mosaic of wild witches practicing multi-magic throughout the ages, while the center stage of the chamber, where members of the new Government or even anyone with an appointment could speak, was a massive glyph-circle that once would have produced a dazzling display of magical beauty.

Now it was simply decorative.

Raine had tried, oh how they had tried, to get away with having their throne simply be another one in the crowd: one that was just… there. One that anyone could mistake for anyone else’s. They had wanted it to be something that the people to their sides could sometimes be confused by and accidentally take as their own.

Unfortunately, life didn't happen like that.

What happened instead was that Raine had a whole vertical row to themselves. Though they had shut down any and all attempts to build a raised platform underneath their throne as that would defeat the entire purpose of having the Sovereign be a servant of the people, rather than just another Belos.

And now here the mature enby sat, holding their head in one hand as the other drummed divots into the arm of their throne as the entire council chamber dissolved into in-fighting over the pettiest of things.


‘Titan, what I would give for a distraction…’ they thought to themselves as a comforting weight settled itself upon their shoulders.

My witch is hurting again,’ Tilly, their red fox palisman that for so long had been hidden away as a simple violin head to avoid Belos devouring him, rubbed his head against their face as his words appeared in their head. They were constantly amazed at how soft and fluffy a creature made out of magical wood was, and yet petting Tilly was like petting a real fox.

“I’m just annoyed at everything,” they said, scratching the top of the Palisman’s head, still amazed at being able to do this after hiding them for so many years. They mused to themself, “I kind of thought ruling the Isles would be easier than trying to overthrow a tyrannical dictator and yet-”

“IT IS OUR TITAN GIVEN RIGHT TO COMPLAIN IF WE WANT TO!” a councilor yelled at the top of their lungs as several other witches and demons began shouting about marching into the Bonesborough Library and ripping up the new constitution of the Isles.




“...And yet here we are,” they said, annoyed, as Tilly curled up in their lap and looked up at them with understanding.

“Should Tilly go find Eda?” he asked them, his voice full of curiosity. “Eda will be able to make them all stop.”

“Eda would probably try to solve all of this by storming the building and punching people, so… no. Please do not go get my wife.” They loved Eda, always had, ever since they sat across from her at the IFWOT. Well, to be quite honest they hadn’t loved her then, mostly just thought, ” Wow, that girl is really pretty and kinda cool. I should go say ‘hi’.

And from there attraction turned to a crush, which turned to love, and now after so many different hardships and strife: Eda’s curse, the breakup over said curse, Eda going criminal, Raine going revolutionary, battle, uprising, attempted genocide, and two different apocalypses… Well, now they both had the storybook ending to their storybook romance.

Raine loved Eda with all their heart and soul… but that did not mean they were completely blind to the fact that the infamous Owl Lady would usually act first and then think about the consequences never.

There was in fact a very good reason they had never invited Eda to come with them to work: it was because Eda had her own high-focus job and also because Eda was… Eda.

Eda is good for Raine.’”Tilly said, nodding his little fox head. “Eda makes Raine happy, so who cares if Eda causes chaos?

“Eda does make me happy, yeah…” they said with a small smile, scratching underneath Tilly’s chin. “But, uh, I would rather just get through this day and get to afterwards.”

Because afterwards, for the first time in what felt like years, they had a date.

Maybe it had been years, their engagement and wedding was rather quick, all things considered. They both didn't want to potentially die in a third apocalypse (however unlikely one may be) not having been together like they always should have been and thus they had talked it over, made some plans, and then Eda invited them to the flower field they had asked each other out in, had practiced wild magic together in… and eventually broke up in. It was their field.

So they were kinda bummed out by the fact that the flower field fell into the boiling ocean with the lifting of the Left Arm.

f*cking Belos.

Either way, it had been a long time since the two of them had even just sat down and blatantly ignored any and all responsibilities and duties to just… be with one another and be happy. They were absolutely looking forward to this.

Raine is happy.” Tilly said with a purr. “If Raine is happy then Tilly is happy.

“Yeah,” They said with a smile. “Yeah, I am happy.”

“And thank goodness for that, you were looking incredibly stressed there for a moment, Clawthorne.”

Darius Deamonne, former head of the Abomination Coven and now, he himself duly elected, Vice Sovereign, came over in their fluid and ever shifting Abomination-leather suit. The purple muck twisted and turned like water in a machine atop his head as the dark-skinned witch sat down and watched the proceedings.

“You would think they would get tired of acting like witchlets at one point, wouldn’t you?” Darius muttered, his fine black and red leather suit matched with purple abomination leather lining shining under the torchlight. “I don't think I've ever seen them ever get along.”

“Neither have I, if I'm honest.” they said, slumping in their throne as the councilors continued their bickering. Oh, they were fighting about petty grudges and old, supposedly irrelevant, feuds and yet it all boiled down to the fact that this time they were fighting about whether the symbol of the new republic should be Luz ripping Belos out of the Titan’s Heart, or the Titan’s Skull looking down proudly at nine multi-colored witches and demons.

Tilly wishes they would stop.” the red fox told them sadly. “Tilly wishes they would stop making Raine sad.

“Me too, buddy.” they said simply. “Me too.”

They pinched the bridge of their nose and sighed deeply, a pounding headache coming on. If this continued they would be far too irritable and stressed for any sort of date.

A buzzing in their pocket finally drew their attention away from the political quagmire that was the nascent bureaucracy of the new Republic of the Isles and idly opened their scroll.

“Hey Rainestorm! You ready to paint the human realm red?! 😛 “ a cheery message read.

Ah, even seeing a message from Eda brought a smile to their face. A night on the town, a night without worries, no responsibilities… It sounded like their birthday came early this year. As soon as they were out they would finally be free.

“Derwin?” they asked the dark-skinned witch standing just beneath their throne in his own little podium desk. Derwin Wroot was a good kid, he had joined the BATT’s and then the CATT’s in the fight against Belos and had joined them in helping to create a new government out of the ashes the Emperor left in his wake. Now Derwin served as something of a seneschal/secretary for the Republic Council and was happy, if overworked, in his position. “How many more cases do we have this afternoon?” Raine asked.

“Eager to get to your fancy dinner date?” Derwin asked, humor in his voice and a laugh on his lips as they blushed and scratched the back of their head. “Yeah, let me just… Oh.”

There was a frown on his face, which suddenly sparked a mote of worry. “What is it?” they inquired tenuously.

“We have… ah, twelve more petitions from various councilors on the docket.” he winced as, simultaneously, a cold feeling spread through them. “I’m… I'm very sorry Raine- er, Sovereign Clawthorne”

“Please, for the love of the Titan, just call me Raine.”

They would not become a tyrant just by being called their title by everyone, but that didn't make them feel better about or more comfortable with it. “Are you sure there’s anyway I could-”

“I mean, you could call it early and save everything for tomorrow, but it will still take forever to pack everything up and get out of here so you might, ah, be a bit-”


Their first date in years and they’re gonna be late to it.

Disappointment and sadness rushed through them as they typed away.

'Work is overfilled right now and it will take forever to get out of here… I might be kind of late,' they lamented.

Silence for several moments. They began to chew on their nails: what if Eda was disappointed? Or mad? Or would just go on without them and leave them to their bureaucratic fate?

Finally, a response.


… what the-

'What do you mean, ‘nah?’'

‘I mean, ‘Nah.’’

What in the name of the Titan did “Nah,” mean?

They sat in their throne for what felt like hours, maybe even days, as the arguments finally died down and the councilors actually, shocker of shockers, talked to one another like adults.

“... don't understand what the problem with the original emblem was.” Councilor Strada said, scratching at the side of his head. “I mean, nine slices of a circle to demonstrate the nine forms of magic… It was simple and to the point.”

“It was incredibly boring and I'm glad we got rid of it.” Darius said unhelpfully. “Now, why did we get rid of the-”

The doors to the Round Room broke open with a mighty “Weh.” as a cone of power ripped through the wood, sending gusts of wind blowing out all around the circular chamber. King Clawthorne, part-time student of Hexside and full-time Titan Child, stood on all fours as his skull head closed, the Titan power dying out as he scrambled his way down the steps.

“Raine!” the cutest kid in the entire Isles, as far as they were concerned, said. “We got your message!”

A cold feeling settled into their guts. They stammered out a breathless, “We?”

“Yep, ‘we’,

Riding atop her mighty staff, red robes fluttering in the breeze still rolling through the chamber and bushy hair wild and untamed, her usually ever-present hook replaced with a rather real looking prosthetic, Eda Clawthorne stood tall and unstoppable atop her staff as she glanced around the room and settled her mismatched eyes on them. Behind her, the guards that protected the burgeoning Republic had all either been frozen up to their waists or wrapped up in thornless vines.

A genuine and loving smile spread across her face. “Hey Rainestorm,” she crooned with such love that they struggled to be angry at her.

“What is the meaning of this!?” the multi-eyed demon who started this entire mess asked indignantly, still rubbing his many eyes. “Who broke down the- Eda the Owl Lady!?”

“Yep, that’s me,” she stated, rather bluntly, as Owlbert floated in slowly, making her entry as dramatic as possible for maximum effect.

“Show off,” they thought with an indulgent smile.

“I am here to rebuild my rap-sheet,” she pronounced happily, their son scrambling onto the staff and looking far too pleased with himself.

“Yep, we’re re-entering a life of crime!”

“And we’ll start… by kidnapping the Sovereign themselves!”

Eda clapped her hands together, spell glyphs activating and sending out thornless vines to ensnare them and bring them up to the staff. Outside, a few of the guards had managed to cut or burn their way free of the glyph magic traps and rushed in to try and tackle the Owl Lady only for Eda to grab some glyphs and activate them, sending a new wave of vines to snare up the guards.

Darius just face-palmed and groaned in annoyed despair.

“Hear me, Republic of the Isles: You will get your Sovereign back after tonight, safe and unharmed!” Eda cried out, barely stopping herself from laughing. “But for tonight… They are mine!”

And with that, Eda activated a last glyph that sent a mighty fireball arcing high above to burn a hole through the ceiling. She smirked and began to fly Owlbert upward before she flew out of the entire capital with a mad cackle, King laughing alongside her as the three of them flew off into the setting sun.

“Should we… do something?” Derwin, left behind in a heap of wooden splinters and bent gilding as the guard awkwardly began to repair the door with some construction magic. Everyone looked to the Vice-Sovereign who just sighed deeply in disappointment.

“Why are they like this?” Darius asked instead, pinching the bridge of his nose.


“Eda! I had important work to do!” Raine tried to protest, struggling to say anything at all as the wind whipped their graying teal hair around, and yet the sight of Bonesborough far below sent a thrill through their soul as they watched the homes and buildings pass on by.

“And I said, ‘Nah’,” came Eda’s muffled, if firm, response.

Eda was still in her headmistress's uniform, no longer standing atop the staff but more safely riding it like any normal witch would do. King, clad in an adorable young hexside students uniform, scrambled backwards slowly and hugged them tight.

“Mom said that I could help you get out of boring government work so I agreed!” King looked up at them, his eyes alight with happiness. “You know what that means?”

“That your mom has no respect for authority and will do what she pleases even when I specifically ask her not to?” they murmured simply, moving an arm out of the vines and slowly petting their son atop his smooth, bony head.

“What? No!... well, yes,” King admitted sheepishly as he pressed his head against their hand. “But no, it means that I'm now getting my own rap-sheet!"

He sounded so, very, exuberantly proud and they almost didn't want to ruin their joy. They could, after all, see how happy and joyous his eyes were. Almost, but not quite.

"You're not going to be a criminal, King," they said.

"But we kidnapped you already?" King protested, a faint note of disappointment creeping into his voice.

They sighed, already dreading the absolute quagmire that would ensue in resolving all of this before the Republic Conclave. Oh, for sure, they would probably try to appease them by trying to sweep everything under the rug... but that would set a bad precedent. Also, it would let Eda off the hook for this absolute chaos.

They kept petting their adopted son on his boney head as they considered how, exactly, to tell-off their wife.

Before they could get a word out, King turned to them and began talking rapidly, joy in his every word. "You wont believe it, but I discovered another glyph today!”

They paused, and then looked at the thick vines all around them. There hadn’t been a plant glyph last time they checked… “King! I’m so happy for you!” They cried out, hugging the young Titan close. “When we get back, I'll bake you a cake!”

“Yes! Chocolate for days!”

Oh, they would regret that before long, but right now they were just so dang happy for their adopted son that they didn't even care about the fact that Eda kidnapped them from their job.

… wait a minute.

“Eda,” they began tersely. “Why did you kidnap me?”

“Because you’re not going to be late to our first date in years, Rainestorm,” she declared with mirth in her every word. Clouds strode across their view like fluffy giants, glowing in the light of the sun as the rays of the setting orb shone out like flame from a beacon. Eda looked truly magnificent as they angled their staff towards the Owl House. “You need to get a break from that place more than you already-”

“No, you misunderstand me,” they cut her off, perhaps more sharply than they intended, eyes closed in annoyance. “What I mean is: Why did you kidnap me instead of literally anything else!?

Eda paused, considered it, and then shrugged her shoulders. “It was the first thing I thought of so I went with it.”

“Eda!” they protested.

“What?” she asked, sounding genuinely confused. “You’re not missing our date just because a bunch of suits want you to decide when they should wake up in the morning or whether they have toast or griffon eggs for breakfast.”

“It’s… a bit more involved than that,” they tried to explain, only for Eda to blow a raspberry at them in return.

“It's basically a bunch of overgrown witchlets arguing about the dumbest things possible for as long as physically possible and you know it.” As Owlbert landed before the Owl House, the ancient house built long ago, with its crumbling tower and eyeball glassware, Eda co*cked an eyebrow at them from over her shoulder. “Or are you going to argue that those idiots need you to settle their every problem?”

They opened their mouth… and then after a long moment closed it again with a sigh of defeat. Eda slapped an arm around their shoulder and pulled them into a tight hug. “You see? Now come get ready for a wonderful time in the human world with me. King,” she said as she turned to the smallest Clawthorne and leveled a stern look. “You’re in charge of the house while we’re gone. Please do not destroy the house while we’re gone.”

“It was one time!” He complained as they all entered the house, scrambling off towards his own room. "I didn't even make the house walk like Luz did!"

"Luz," She said with a shake of her head, "Did that accidentally alongside her friends. You deliberately tried to turn the house into your own private castle with a moat by making your toys come to life... again."

"Moats are cool!"

As King scrambled his way up the stairs, they looked at the door and the rather… fleshy looking hole in it. “Hooty off again?”

“Visiting Lily, who's visiting our parents, so he’s hanging out over there for the time being,” she explained as she traced her good hand over the wooden door. “Seems everyone is flying the coop these days… Titan, I'll be a mess when King gets older.”

“You mean we’ll be a mess when King gets older,” they mused with a small smile, resting a hand on Eda’s shoulder, who placed her own above it and held it gently. They stood in silence for several minutes.

“We should probably get ready before we’re late,” they said simply, moving away and making their way towards the stairway.

“Oh come on, it’s only…” Eda checked her scroll and winced. “Yeah, let's get ready.”


Throughout the evening sky of the human world, two witches rode their magic staffs towards downtown Gravesfield.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Raine, now clad in a rather fetching pair of slim brown slacks with a white button up and a aquamarine jacket tied over their shoulders, asked nervously as they kept glancing worriedly downwards at the many humans who could, at any moment, look up and see proof of the supernatural.

Well, supernatural to them anyway.

“Relax, it’ll be fine! Everything I've seen says that humans are as addicted to their scrolls as witches and demons are,” Eda rejoined. She, meanwhile, was wearing one of her old red velvet dresses with darker red fabric over the chest. She’d managed to carefully insert her prosthetic arm into one of the sleeves and had successfully, if to her displeasure, been talked down from bringing the hook.

The hook may have been badass but it was not appropriate dateware.

“You know that Cam will grill us if another human gets a snapshot of either of us flying,” they said, anxiety starting to fill them at the thought of being seen where they shouldn't be.

“And I said it’s fine, Rainestorm. Nobody’s going to see us.”

They shivered in anxiety as the two witches flew through the air above the town, cutting through low hanging clouds as the sun began to dip down in the sky. Rays of light shone through the clouds and cast various colorful lights across the surface of said clouds into a dazzling display.

It was beautiful.

They had only been to the human realm once before: after Belos's mad rampage and attempted absorption of the entire Isles was over, Eda had taken them with her to negotiate custody of Luz after all was said and done. They had been far too nervous about the possibility of scaring off their girlfriend’s mentee's mom to actually take in the sights of the human realm.

And what sights they were.

The human realm was so different from the Boiling Isles: instead of red foliage, the trees rose as high and green as plant magic while the grass was like a sea of emeralds. The sky was many different hues as the evening sun shone its light upon the land but there were still hints of blue throughout it. Blue sky, what an intriguing concept!

The landscape all around the town was just as fascinating. Vast forests surrounded the town and seemed to blend in with the edges, making it impossible to tell where the town ended and the forest began. Rolling hills rose up like eaves all around as the trees, still bright and green like everything else, covered them like a blanket.

The wind was pleasant and calm, almost chilly this high up, and the scent of a multitude of flowering plants, numberless in their variety, rose up to meet their nose.

They actually paused in their flight, bringing Tilly to a halt as they simply luxuriated in the sensations of the human realm. A smile spread across their face as they just leaned back slightly and... existed.

"It's nice, isn't it?"

They turned to Eda, the bushy haired witch smiling as she circled around them with a smile. "I remember the first time I came to the human realm, it was... magnificent." She breathed, looking at the distant moon hanging low in the sky but slowly rising, donning itself as a crown over a vast field of stars began to peak like gems from the violet-tinted heavens.

"It does have a charm to it I can't place," they said with a smile, running a hand through their short and graying teal hair. "I've never been this cold flying except when I'm by The Knees."

"The human realm is colder than the Isles, it's true," Eda said as shook her hair back and forth like a dog. "You never get used to it, but it's nice, right?"

"I guess..." they said, just existing free of stress and duty. "It's actually quite nice."

"Good enough to want to be kidnapped again?"

They sighed. "Eda?"


"How about tonight, we forget about politics? No job talk, no politics, no duties, no responsibilities... let's just take tonight for ourselves and deal with the consequences tomorrow," they conceded, finally.

Eda's smile was radiant. "I'd love to."

They sat together in comfortable silence: two childhood friends turned high school sweethearts turned loving spouses. Nothing at all could ruin the moment now as the sun slowly slid fully behind the hills, the last rays dying out as the light disappeared fully.

"I don't want to leave this moment," they said with a smile, reaching over the gap between Staggs to grab ahold of Edas hand. She gripped it tight and smiled at her.

"Neither do I... but I also want to see Cam and her new boytoy, so let's boogie," she crowed as she took off again. They took off behind her, close at hand.

Through the air they cut as they made their way over building after building, until a familiar purple car caught Eda’s eye and with a pointed finger they made their way downward.

They finally touched down in an alleyway behind a fancy looking restaurant. Or at least as fancy as small town Americana could get. It was rather nice looking, all things considered: black stone with white signage, “marble” columns built into the sides to give it the appearance of an ancient Italianate villa, and a rather nice herb-garden out back with a topiary garden, or as much as the hedges interwound with flowering vines could make one, out front to give an air of ambiance to anyone walking by.

“Look, Rainestorm, nobody here knows we’re witches, so what we’re gonna do is pretend like we’re human out the wazoo,” Eda commanded, looking deadly serious. They sighed, a small smile on their face.

“I know, Eda. I wasn’t going to go off showing my magical powers in front of anyone tonight. Just gonna… gonna be normal and not anxious in front of a person I can't let anything slip to,” they swallowed, tugging at their collar as a bead of sweat trickled slowly down their forehead. “No pressure.”

“Camila and her boyfriend are gonna be here any minute so let’s get our covers straight: I live in California with you and we both teach at Luz’s college,” she stated firmly.

“What’s a California?” they inquired, somewhat peevish at a conversation that should have happened hours before their arrival.

“I don't know but Cam said to mention we’re from there, i think she may have used it as an excuse before so….”

As Eda went over every possibility, they found themself smiling at the thought of just… having a nice night with nothing to worry about: No politics, no pressure, no duties, no responsibilities. Just their wife, a good friend and said friend's new boyfriend, and maybe some good food.

A nice night with no worries was just what the healer ordered.


I feel sorry for Raine, they just want a nice night out with their wife and you better believe im going to bring the shenaniganry out in force.

At least Eda will be happy with the chaos.

Anyway, this and the next chapter are pretty much set-up chapter while i prep for the honking big Double Date Who-Knows-How-Many parter.

Next Chapter: Lucifer and Camila meet up first with each other and then with Raeda, let the shenanigans begin.

Chapter 21: Double Date: Part 2


Lucifer preps for his date while a bunch of currently unemployed trtash gremlins plan the first set of shenanigans


So i should probably explain a few things here. If you want to hear a few explanations for both the last chapter and the wait for this one keep reading i guess. You don't have to if you don't want to though.

So... Easter, huh? That was probably one of my worst days in years. First of all, i get my wonderful new editor and forget to post all of his edits to my work and unintentionally bring down his name with that. But that's an easy enough fix so what gives? Why did it take so long to implement said changes and also to produce this chapter?

Well... that's because my extended family situation decided to implode not even half an hour after posting it. Like, by a lot. I don't want to get into specifics if I'm honest.

So... suffice to say my mental and emotional states have been severely out of wack since Easter so i haven't been able to write until last night. This chapter hasn't been edited or beta read since I'm, you know, going through it. The next chapters will be back on a regular schedule though.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell, stared into the mirror of his personal dressing room of his palatial bedroom, his human disguise up and covering him. Many mountains of rubber ducks surrounded him on all sides of his room in the Morningstar Palace and yet there was now meaning to the madness: he had actually managed to organize the ducks into something somewhat resembling order.

He could even see his bed again.

“Alright Lucy, you’re pumped up.” He said to himself, twisting his head back and forth. “You’re gonna go out tonight, romance the sh*t out of your girlfriend, meet her friends, and be the perfect boyfriend!”

He hopped back and began to shadowbox like a fighter. “You’re gonna get this done right! You’re gonna be the perfect Gentleman and nothing will go wrong!” He laughed to himself as he summoned his clothes for the evening and clad himself in his chosen attire.

Blood red velvet shirt that was slightly unbuttoned, pristine white slacks, and a nice looking white suit jacket with red underlining that Ozzie had instructed him to wear over his shoulders like a cloak rather than actually wear. He grabbed a comb and began to fix up his golden locks until they looked properly stylish.

He wanted to look his best, after all.

He had attended all sorts of different functions throughout the Seven Rings of Hell and the Nine Circles of Pride. He had held balls in sweeping palaces and attended court in glorious halls, he had been dragged from Goetia Castle to Goetia Castle and had made his home into the most opulent and decadent citadel in all of Hell in an attempt to try and recreate paradise to no avail.

Lilith had enjoyed his attempts to make Hell more livable for the two of them and he had enjoyed making her smile. She had always enjoyed his many attempts to praise and worship her through his actions and flirting… he wondered when she had stopped.

He crushed down the growing shadow of depression within him and focused on the positives: he had attended and held many ritzy functions before this and thus had experience looking his best. Which he would need for his date tonight.

Camila had invited him to a nice restaurant, something classier than their first official date had been, and invited some friends on a double date. He had been ecstatic: not only an attempt to romance Camila again, but an attempt to impress her human friends and leave a good impression on them? Sign him the hell up!

He popped his shirt collar and tried for a devilish grin… before cringing away from how corny it looked. Devilish and I-Dont-Care were not good looks for him, plus it might turn away her friends which was the last thing he wanted. No, tonight was a night for being classy.

He could do classy, he was the King of Hell for Father’s sake!

“Alright… and that should… about… do it!” He cried out happily as he finished up his hair and stepped away. He looked into the mirror and liked what he saw, a smile blooming on his lips as he twirled around and began to pace back and forth.

Meeting her friends was an important step, he wouldn’t want to ruin any of this and leave a bad impression: doing that and he may as well kiss his relationship with Cam goodbye and then what will he do? Stay cooped up in his room for another seven years with his rubber ducks!?

No, never again. He wouldn't let his depression win like that again.

He carefully didn't look at the bottle of antidepressants sitting on his bedside table that Belphegor had gifted him. No, he certainly wouldn't let his depression win again…

The horrible beast inside his mind tried to rear up but he fought it back, forcing it back in the corner where it would wait for another opportunity to come forward and reap havoc throughout his mind. More nights left just sitting around doing nothing, being nothing

No, no no no. Nope. No time for depression when he had a wonderful date tonight.

A date he would succeed in: he would win over Cam’s friends and win over Cam’s heart tonight. He had even talked with his friends about what to do: He had Mammon's advice for his human disguise and Ozzie’s for flirting, he had this in the bag.

Thoughts of his troupe of Sins brought a frown to his face. Cam was introducing him to her friends so it would stand to reason that pretty soon he would have to introduce her… to them. They were his troupe: his best friends who had fallen with him after everything went down with the Apple and Eve. Where even his Archivists had turned their noses up at him and left him to his fate, they were there to tell Father to screw off and fall with him and Lilith out of solidarity.

He would always be grateful for knowing them and since Cam was introducing her friends to him it was only fair he did the same.

That… would be a slight problem.

He wasn't ashamed of them or anything… okay, he was sometimes ashamed of knowing Mammon but only sometimes! He could be kind of nice when he wasn't being a misogynistic, greedy, classist piece of sh*t. And Satan: he was like another brother to him when he wasn't being a roided-up rage machine obsessed with fighting anything that moved.

… okay, maybe he should keep it cool and drip feed his troupe to her. Maybe just start with Bee or Ozzie and go from there. Bee was a riot and knew how to rein herself in from her overindulgence when the chips were down and Ozzie? Ozzie was such a hoot! A deeply and openly sexual one but a good friend nonetheless.

He could invite Fizz! And what’s his name that was making the Goetia even madder than they already are, Tornado maybe? No, it started with a V… either way, it would be nice to just hang out with his friends again and introduce Cam to them.

Oh Father, he was going to have to spill the beans about Cam being human… and his trips to the human realm… and coach them on how to pretend to be human. It was working for him so far so why not them? He hadn't raised a single suspicion so far so he was clearly good at pretending to be human.

This could work, reciprocating a Friend Meeting between Cam and the Sins could work… He could even invite Charlie along and make it a family meeting! Really get the ball rolling on setting up a family meeting between them all.

He was certain that if he could just get Char-char and Cam into the same room his darling daughter would see the same thing in Cam that he did and everything would be swell afterwards. The plan began knitting together in his mind as he summoned up his royal scepter/cane and opened a portal to the human world: all he needed was to broach the topic to Cam in an organic and totally-not-at-all rushed way. He could do that, he convinced Lilith to marry him… somehow.

He felt a smirk appear across his lips as he danced through the portal. Yes, indeed, everything was knitting together perfectly. First he sweeps Cam off her feet, then he completely charms her friends, then he brings up introducing Char-char, then everyone is happy forever.

Nothing at all could go wrong.


Lucifer did a little shimmy as he made his way down the sidewalk of Gravesfield. He was hyped up and ready for romance!

Tonight was going to go swimmingly, he just knew it. So long as he didn't forget the advice or tips he had been given then he was pretty much going to absolutely nail this.

“Alright Lucy, just remember what Ozzie told you and everything will be okay.” He mumbled to himself as made his way through the town. The evening air was gentle and decently chilled as the last rays of light bathed the town in a myriad of warm colors. People were out and about as they enjoyed the nice weather and he found himself smiling along and even complimenting people he passed by.

“You look nice today!” He told an elderly looking priest as he passed him by, the balding man with thick glasses pausing to smile brightly at him.

“Why thank you, sir! May God bless you on this wonderful eve.” The priest smiled brightly and he smiled even brighter.

“He won't, but thank you anyway!” The balding man paused, frowned, and then shrugged and walked away.

Yes indeed, Lucifer Morningstar found this to be a quite enjoyable evening indeed and it hadn't even truly begun yet.

As he passed by an Italian eatery, he grabbed a hold of a lamppost and began to swing around it gracefully, a laugh on his lips as he just enjoyed life. The lamppost turned on above him alongside the rest of the street lights, the shadows of clouds passing overhead while far quicker shadows darted between them.

He actually skipped off the concrete post holder and did one last shimmy before turning the corner towards the entrance where Camila said she’d be waiting. He had exactly one chance to not screw up his entrance and he would take it. Ozzie’s advice came up in his mind and he smiled before quickly turning and entering what he considered a cool and relaxed pose.

“Hey, Good Lookin’” He drawled, his eyes closed and a finger beneath his chin. “What brings you to… to a… a…” He made a critical error.

He opened his eyes and looked at her.

Every last piece of advice fled his mind as he looked at the truly beautiful woman before him in a gorgeous black dress that was slim on the body and yet poofy in the sleeves. The top around her chest seemed to be embroidered with rhinestones and it matched the simple purse she wore on her side.

Camila looked absolutely stunning and he couldn’t think of a word to say, not one bit of advice from the Sin of Lust staying in his mind as he simply stared with his jaw hanging open like an absolute idiot.

Cam looked at him and smiled, her cheeks a bit pink. “Oh my! You certainly look stunning this evening.” She smiled at him and he swore he almost forgot his own name.

‘Say something you idiot!’ One half of his mind yelled at him.

Pretty lady… pretty…’ the other half mumbled distractedly.

All his carefully laid and interwoven plans, all ruined because Cam looked like an absolute knockout.

She waited for him to say something back, which was fair because he was waiting for the same thing to happen. Finally a look of confusion came across her face and something ended up being blurted out.


Oh dear Father, he felt like a freshly created angel again! Where was the suave and cool King he promised Ozzie he would be? Where was the calm and collected Sin of Pride now?

Ozzie, I'm sorry. I failed you.’ He mentally wailed as his face burned with embarrassment and Cam quickly hid a titter with her hand. “I mean,” He stressed. “You look very pretty tonight, Camila.”

“It’s certainly been a very long time since I've gotten that reaction out of anyone.” She laughed to herself and he finally found an inroad.

“Then the people of this town must be blind.” He said with a grin and a wink.

She laughed and pushed his shoulder slightly, a mad blush on her cheeks as she looked him up and down, a smirk appearing on her lips. “Do you own anything that doesn't look more expensive than my house?”

He blinked and looked down at his clothes. “That depends,” he asked, with genuine concern in his voice. “How much is your house?”

A snort and a laugh was all the answer he got as he decided to lean against one of the fake marble columns out in front. He didn't even need to look to know they were fake, he’d seen enough Lust Ring home remodeling shows to know real marble from fake.

Also, you know, he was the King of Hell and his palace in Envy was made of Marble.

“I’m sorry,” He said suddenly. “I’m still kind of stuck on how great you look tonight.” Wait, sh*t, Ozzie had warned him about something like this. “Not that you don't normally look great!” He panicked. “You look just as great as always, but-”

“Lucius?” She interrupted him, with both burning cheeks and a gentle smile on her face.

“I get it… and thank you.”

He rubbed the back of his head and chuckled nervously. “So… uh, what made you decide to introduce me to your friends?”

She leaned against the column next to him, looking up at the sky. “Oh, Eda called me up and asked if she and Raine could join us on a date. The two of them haven't been on one in a while and I thought it would be nice of them to join us.”

He made a noise of agreement, another lance of guilt working its way through him at the thought that he had yet to introduce anyone from his side of things to her. He may have wanted her as far away from Hell as physically possible but… but she was introducing her life to him so it was only fair that he do the same.

At least, the parts of his life that he actually wanted to show off.

“I promise to live up to your trust then.” He said, to which she pushed on his shoulder again.

“You’ll be fine.” Her smile turned brittle and a little nervous as she looked away from him. “ It’s not you I'm worried about this evening…”


“Oh, nothing!” She waved away his raised eyebrow with a loud laugh as they both fell into companionable silence.

“Anything you can tell me about the two of them?” He asked her as the silence dragged on.

“Oh!” She continued looking away from him so he couldn't see her face. “They’re both from… California! Yes, California. They met Luz in art school and are teaching her magi- Movie Magic!”

Oh, he knew what those were! California was supposed to be the Ring of Pride except on Earth while movie magic- “Luz is thinking of being an actress?” He may not have experience with movies and what not but if she wanted to be an actress then more power to her, he would never rain on someone’s dreams.

Not even Charlie’s, no matter how much it would devastate him when Heaven took her dream and destroyed it before her very eyes. Part of him wanted to intervene-

“I want my father back.”

-but he wouldn’t. He would support her no matter what because he had failed miserably already and refused to do so again. Speaking of Charlie…

“You know…” He began, fiddling with his thumbs and looking to the side. “I’ve… kind of met your family, you know?”

“I wouldn't call ‘Helping my daughters calm down after Jacob came at me with a knife.’ meeting them but I suppose it counts.” She said, watching the clouds pass on by.

He smothered up the flare of rage at the impudent human filth man and focused on the important bits. “Well… then how about we make it an official meeting?” He reached up to tug at his collar nervously. “I was thinking-”

“Hey, Cam! What’s up?”

One of the oddest women Lucifer had ever seen in his life walked up to the pair of them. He actually blinked just from the sight. She was taller than him, because most people and demons were, except she was almost taller than Charlie and her incredibly bushy white hair was tied back with three golden bands. A mismatched pair of eyes, one gray and the other golden, stared out happily at his girlfriend while a bronze prosthetic hand waved at the two of them. She was clad in a knee-length red dress with a black diadem right below the neck and what looked to be an owl on her shoulder.

Beside her was a far more normal looking person: graying teal hair and tanned skin with some particularly large and tear shaped scars running down their eyes like streams. An aquamarine jacket was hung over their shoulders much like his was and they wore a pair of dark brown slacks and a white button up. A fox fur scarf was wrapped around their neck as the pair walked up to them.

“Eda! Good to see you again.” Cam rushed forward and hugged the bushy haired titaness tightly, the heterochromatic mystery lady now known as Eda reaching over with their bronze prosthetic and ruffling Cam’s hair fondly.

He, meanwhile, was focused on making his first good impression on Cam’s friends. “Hey!” He called out to the mystery person with the fox scarf, smiling widely as he started finger gunning. “You have a coat cape- I have a coat cape! Coat cape buddies!”

He paused for his hilarious and absolutely relatable statement to win over the teal haired person before him. They just stared slightly confused at him as Cam and her friend Eda looked ready to laugh.

“So this is your new boyfriend?” The bushy haired Eda asked with a swallowed chuckle.

“Ay- be nice.” Cam warned with a giggle, walking over to sling an arm over his shoulder. “I think he’s cute.”

“It was kind of adorable, I’ll give him that.” The teal haired person said with a small smile before reaching out a hand. “Hi, I’m Raine.”

“Lucius.” So far so good. He had this in the bag so far.

“And I’m Eda!” The bushy haired woman leaned over and looked him up and down. “You’re a lot shorter than I expected.”

“Eda.” Camila and Raine both said with frowns but he simply laughed and waved it off.

“You’d be surprised how often I hear that.” He rolled his eyes. “So… you’re the mysterious friend that Cam wanted to introduce this evening.”

“Yep!” She drew herself up and struck a pose. “You’re looking at Eda Clawthorne, the infamous-”

Raine coughed into a fist and nudged their wife. “-Headmistress of the-”

Camila coughed and now Eda was just straight up frowning. “-University of California.” She finished lamely.

He blinked and co*cked his head to the side. “How does being a headmistress make you infamous?”

Both Cam and Raine leveled stern looks at the bushy haired woman who simply shrugged. “I’ll tell you when I figure it out myself.”


“Anyway!” She pulled Raine in close and stared lovingly at them. “This is my adorable spouse, Raine. They're a… musician.”

“Oh?” He perked up, happy to find another in road. “What do you play?”

Raine smiled bashfully and rubbed the back of their head, their gaze turned away from his. “I… play the violin.”

“No way! Me too!”

All three of them stared at him as he became overly excitable once more. “I actually started off on the Kinnor but kept up with various instruments over the years. The fiddle is my favorite and I’m… well, I’m not terrible at it.”

Whatever nervousness existed in Raine seemed to evaporate like morning mist as they stared at him kindly. “I actually got my start around my teens when I met my pal- well, when I found an instrument that’s stuck with me for years and years.” The scarf seemed to move slightly but it was probably the wind. “I usually play Left Arm Swing or Shin Waltz.”

Cam sighed and he shrugged at the confusing terms. “I have no idea what either of those are, but I play Bluegrass.” He co*cked a grin, “Maybe a bit of country but only with Sa-aaam. With Sam. My friend Sam.”

“I usually play with a few of my students, last time we played at an… antigovernmental protest.”

“Oh, that’s cool. The last time my friends and I played music together we were in Georgia and lost badly to some schmuck named Johnny.” He grumbled and kicked the air. “Lost my favorite fiddle to that nerd…”

“Sorry to hear that.” Raine looked sympathetic as they stared at him. They raised a hand to rub along the fox fur around their neck as they looked away. “Can’t imagine losing my violin to anyone. I actually used to hide it away because I was afraid of… my boss finding it.”

“Your boss sounds like a dick if he doesn't like violins.”

All three of them laughed and he wondered if he was missing something.

“As much as I want to see Raine geek out over music, we should probably get in the restaurant.” Eda patted her stomach as she sauntered her way towards the doors. “I’m kind of hungry to be honest.”

Lucifer nodded and squared his shoulders, a look of determination on his face.

Tonight he would be on his absolute best. He would win over Cam’s friends, romance the sh*t out of her, absolutely slay at being human, and set up a cross family meeting that may or may not include the Sins. Or maybe he would focus on Charlie first and then the Sins. Either way, tonight would go well.


“Alright, so that was another bust.”

Cletus, the head of their little squad of former-cherubs, sighed deeply as the toddler-like cherub rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Well, at least we know who it isn’t. That’s something, right?”

Keenie glared, the golden-wooled sheep cherub crossing her arms and leveling a look at him that caused him to flinch away. “No, Cletus,” She hissed. “No it isn’t. If we don't find Emily’s mystery agent we’ll never get home!”

“She’s here somewhere, Keenie.” Cletus explained, frowning back at the golden sheep cherub. “It’s a finite area, we’ll find her… we just have to.”

“Don't worry, we’ll know her when we see her.” Collin replied happily, causing the two other cherubs to glare balefully at their third friend. Collin was still all shiny and clean even after everything, he had gone out of his way to ensure that his mystery saviors work didn't go away, and the other two cherubs slightly resented him for it whenever they were reminded of how raggedy and dirty their own clothes and bodies were after a year of homelessness.

“That’s easy for you to say, Mr. ‘ I don't know how to ask for names. ’” Keenie snarked, the purple furred cherub flinching away from her venomous glare. “You still have her blessing about you.”

“Not for lack of trying on the universe's part.” Collin preened slightly and his fur fluffed up. “You know how quickly all this work would go away if I went into that dumpster?”

Cletus and Keenie, the two cherubs currently sitting inside a dumpster as they planned their next move, both grumbled only slightly hatefully as they looked away from the shiny fur on their friend. They had been making their way through town for days now trying to find any sign of Collin’s mysterious savior.

Of course, they made their way to the Vet clinic first and waited for hours for her to come back except they had been driven off by the raccoons before they could see her. Every time they approached the clinic the trash panda’s would be waiting, eagerly anticipating their next scuffle with the displaced cherubs.

It had gotten to the point that when they got back into Heaven, Cletus was going to petition the High Council to excommunicate Raccoons from the grace of God entirely. Filthy little bastards deserved it.

Cletus sighed as he shifted into a more comfortable position on his little trash pile. It wasn't the raccoons that were annoying him… well, okay, the raccoons were almost as annoying as the filthy, filthy imps but that was neither here nor there.

No, it was the thought that Heaven was so close and yet so far once more that was getting to him. They’d spent so long wallowing in grief over losing access to their home and just as long trying in what seemed to be vain to find a way back that Cletus was beginning to wonder if he should just buckle down and make do with living in the human world.

Except the human world was awful! Oh, Miss Emily would give him such a disappointed look if she heard him think that but it was true! Whatever kind and wondrous feelings he had towards humanity and their world had soured completely after a year scrounging after them like wretches… Well, he was very bitter.

He might need a therapy cherub of his own after all of this, or he would just go back to being a servant to winners like cherubs were born to be. All he knew was that after this was all over he was never setting foot in the human world ever again.

Heaven and its wonders were so close now, they could almost taste it! The mystery agent of Emily’s would lead them back to paradise if only they could find her, and that was the rub wasn’t it? They didn't know the first thing about where she was or even what her name was so they couldn't even look her up or anything.

It wasn't fair. But then, nothing about their time in the human world had been fair so it made sense.

He leaned against his bed of trash and looked up to the sky despondently. The clouds passed by as Keenie and Collin argued about how to find the mystery lady and he just… he just existed. The clouds reminded him of Heaven, there were even people flying amongst them.

… wait a moment.

He squinted as two figures seemed to fly through a cloud and began to descend towards the dumpster they resided in currently. He could make out colors and general shapes but it wasn't until voices drifted down that he realized that those were people.

“Hide!” He hissed as he started to close the lid on the dumpster.

“Wha- what’s going on Cletus?” Keenie turned her gaze towards him and he pointed upwards at the descending people.

“Are they flying!?”

“Who cares? Just get in here and hide!”

“But my wool! It’s still clean and-”

Keenie and him grabbed ahold of Collin’s hooves and pulled him into the trash, pulling the lid of the dumpster closed until they were safely hidden in darkness. “My wool. My precious wool…” Collin bemoaned in the darkness.

“Shush it!” Keenie hissed angrily as voices appeared. He and Keenie looked through a crack in the dumpster at two pointy eared figures, one with bushy hair and the other with grayish teal hair, talking about cover stories and someone named ‘Cam.’

“Did any of Adam’s descendants ever have pointy ears?” He asked to which Keenie just shrugged, her eyes never leaving the figures outside. They fiddled with the ornaments on their staffs before the busy haired woman got a living owl that hopped on her shoulder and the teal haired person had a fox run up their arm and around their throat like a scarf.

“I have so many questions.” Keenie muttered. Collin could be heard trying to force his way to the front to look out the hole as well while also bemoaning his now dirty wool.

“Do any of those questions help us get to Emily’s agent?” Keenie paused, looked conflicted, and then shook her head. He nodded and continued with his point.“Then we can pass it along to someone in Heaven that there’s, I don't know, flying magical people now?”

“Maybe they’re warlocks making pacts with demons for magical powers?” Collin muttered bitterly, still sore about his now dirty again form. The three of them listened in close as the two mystery figures began speaking again.

“Look, Rainestorm, nobody here knows we’re witches, so what we’re gonna do is pretend like we’re human out the wazoo,” The first figure with the incredibly bushy hair said, a metal hand on their hip as they turned to the teal haired person.

“I know, Eda. I wasn’t going to go off showing my magical powers in front of anyone tonight. Just gonna… gonna be normal and not anxious in front of a person I can't let anything slip to,” The teal haired witch, because they were a witch apparently, replied.

The cherubs looked at one another once more.

“Shouldn’t we do something?” Collin asked, sniffling as he did so.

“Like what?”

He waited for any answer and just sighed when silence was the only response. “I get that we’re all a little testy after everything, but we’re not Archangels or even regular angels- we’re just cherubs.”

He could feel Keenie and Collin begin to grow depressed over his words so he rushed to try and change the subject before things could spiral out of control even further. “I’m sure that whoever is in charge of… magical flying witches will be very impressed with us for finding a pair for them when we get back.” He turned around, his back pressed against the wall of the dumpster, and smiled at his two friends in the darkness. “Just think- as soon as we get back we can do whatever we want!”

“Go back to being a therapy cherub…” Collin muttered dreamily.

“Helping Miss Emily again…” Keenie giggled to herself.

“Yeah! Just focus on that and forget about the flying warlock witches.” He angled himself back around to check on whether the coast was clear and was pleased that the magical flying people were moving on towards the end of the side alley and around to the front of the restaurant.

With a shimmy, he opened back up the dumpster and let light shine down upon them once more. Keenie looked much the same, if a bit happier now that the end of their long torment was in sight, while Collin still looked bummed out and was staring at his now once more dirty wool and clothes with a pitiable gaze.

He flapped his wings and made it over the edge and out of the dumpster, turning around to start waving his friends on. “Come on, gang: We have an agent to find!”

Keenie cheered while Collin just let out a sarcastic ‘yay.’ He would forgive the purple sheep cherub for that this one time since they had technically ruined his blessing from Emily’s agent. They would apologize later, for now it was time to find out where said agent was.

Collin fluttered in front of Keenie and him, flying lazily to the ground as he looked around the corner only to freeze up like a statue and immediately press his back flush against the wall while waving them both forward furiously.

“It’s her!” He hissed and they almost broke several records with how fast they made their way over to the corner.

“You found the agent?” Keenie gasped, sparkles in her eyes as Collin nodded furiously and pointed around the corner.

He was afraid, afraid of looking around the corner and seeing the agent because what if this was another dream he was about to wake up from? What if he was about to wake up to disappointment again? He swallowed nervously, wiped away some sweat from his brow, and inched his eye past the corner at a glacial pace.

The two magical flying people from earlier were talking to a pretty looking tan-skinned woman in a beautiful black dress and a normal human man in a white suit and red shirt. Nothing odd there at all so he focused back on the pretty lady. She had a nice smile and kind eyes as she spoke, and her voice was just as gentle as the rest of her seemed.

He could see why Emily would choose this woman to be her agent in the human realm.

“So that’s her… our ticket back into Heaven.” He muttered as he leaned back into the alleyway and looked at his friends. Keenie was practically vibrating in pure excitement while Collin was hopping from hoof to hoof in joy.

“It’s her! It’s really her!” He giggled to himself. “We’re going home!”

“We just gotta wait for the magical witches to be done with her.” He said happily.

They all paused, digested his words, and then scrambled back to looking around the corner just in time to see the witches, the human guy, and Emily’s agent walking into the restaurant. Panic began to fill them once more.

“They’re here to steal her soul!” Keenie wailed, shock and horror in her voice.

“They’re gonna kill her and sacrifice her to the Morningstar!” Collin shivered, fear of the First Fallen keeping him rooted to the spot.

“We’ll never get back into Heaven if she gets kicked out herself!” He wailed, big fat tears running down his chubby cheeks. Collin and Keenie glared at him before the full force of his words hit them and they began to hyperventilate and cry themselves.

“We can barely feed ourselves!” Keenie cried out with horror. “We can’t add a fourth person to our band, especially someone the size of a full human: we’ll all starve to death within the first month!”

Collin was shivering and hugging himself as he rocked back and forth in the air. “I can't lose hope again… I can't lose hope again… I can’t-”

“Okay C.H.E.R.U.B. Saddle up time!”

The two sheep looked confusedly at him as he rose up in the air with a finger pointed to the sky above. “We finally found Emily’s agent and she’s in trouble! Emily has always been there for Cherubs so it’s time we returned the favor: we’re going to go in there and save her agent from those witches before they can do anything evil to her!”

“Yeah… Yeah!” Keenie and Collin both began to hype themselves up as they flew around one another in celebration. “We’ll go in there and save her!”

“Miss Emily took the time to try and save us so it’s only fair we try and return the favor!”

The three of them cheered into the evening sky.

“Wait,” Collin asked, his head co*cked to the side. “How?”

Cletus… did not have an answer yet.


So that was something. Let me tell you, i can't wait to write the payoff for the Cherubs. A few of you have guessed... or simply hoped for what it will be but im hoping it's still satisfying.

Next Chapter: The Double Date, and the Shenanigans, begin.

A Divine (Romantic) Comedy - Dystopian_God (2024)
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